Family Dynamics

[Plenum]

it is a common piece of folklore that if you are a woman looking to get serious with a man, you should examine the guy's relationship to their mother; and how he treats her.

it is also said that so-called pimps learn to control and manipulate women with 'daddy issues' by first giving their praise and acceptance, and then withholding it to get them to do their will. The women are so hungry and desperate to be accepted, they will do almost anything to earn that 'love'.

just recently, I've worked through a major blockage myself in relation to my sister. I have spoken to her before about this, and although I believe she forgave me years ago, I had still not forgiven myself. Anyway, this issue or conflict has been in play on my side for the better part of 3 decades, and I finally managed to go back to the first memory of it, and release it. I am almost ashamed to admit it, but this tension with my sister was generalised to all my interactions with women in my lifetime and has been the cause of much souring of friendships and closeness.

the point of these 3 above examples is that the family dynamics we have are very powerful indicators to acceptances that we may or may not have given. We knew before heading into this baby's body in the womb who *exactly* our parents were; their personalities, their distortions, their history of behaviour. And we chose it because it offered a good grounding for the lessons we wanted to learn in this lifetime.

so there are deep clues there. The relationship to mother, to father, to brother, to sister ... even perhaps if they do not appear to be nice, or loving, or kind ... it's our response to them that offers the catalyst. They might not love or accept us, but we sure can love and accept them. It maybe just what *they* need to accept themselves.

[reeay]

it is also said that so-called pimps learn to control and manipulate women with 'daddy issues' by first giving their praise and acceptance, and then withholding it to get them to do their will. The women are so hungry and desperate to be accepted, they will do almost anything to earn that 'love'.

The power dynamics goes two ways, although the woman's power may seem rather passive. Typically, when there is something called an attachment injury (where a person feels that he/she has not been nurtured or accepted by other self), the person may likely attempt to engage other to fulfill this desire for bonding which may include resorting to manipulation and control of the object of their affection. Thus, this leads to a relational dynamic of pursuing the object of affection. The one being pursued may withdrawal (withhold affection) or pursue (engage), but not in the way that the pursuer wants (e.g., with violence). Yet, when the object of affection pursues/engages, even in the most undesirable way, it is still engagement - and typically, those who hunger for engagement will accept this bc it is *something* (better than nothing). So this whole notion of victim doesn't really work out bc both parties hold responsibility here.

Family-of-origin work is very important. We unconsciously choose relationships that could mirror our parental/familial relationship in an attempt to resolve multigenerational issues within the family.

There's also something that's called internal family systems, where the fragmented aspects of self mirrors our family members. E.g., the critical voice/aspect of self mirrors a highly critical parent or caregiver, which we internalize. We don't need to physically be present with our family to have 'family drama'... we may internalize them and re-enact those same interactional patterns with non-family members. To be individuated, then means that these issues have been examined, accepted, and forgiven thus you could begin to chart a new course without perpetuating the same or similar themes as your family of origin.

Interestingly we could also pick romantic/marital partners based on shared family-of-origin issues! Imagine a world where people become individuated, then get married or commit to long-term relationships... there would probably be fewer divorces and marital discord!