11-23-2012, 05:01 PM
I should start this by saying that I was never sure whether I'm a wanderer or not but I do feel a strong connection to the concept.If you cannot deal with negativity at this moment, do not read this.
I was a sickly kid (allergies,asthma, etc), could never really make any sense of people being mean to me even during childhood (and there was plenty of that s*** from family members and "friends") and I've always seen myself as an outsider, I never really fit any particular social circles or groups or teams, it was like...whenever I thought I found my place as a pebble in the pond, the pond would just spit me out again...bad pebble!
Anyways, at some point I left home to go study and suddenly all my allergies dissapeared, my social issues were persisting BUT I did a really good job studying and just blazing (is that the right word?) through degree after degree and success after success. So I knew that I was doing well in at least 2 big "sectors" of my life.
2010 was probably the worst year in my life (or was it?) and the best at the same time. I was exposed to spirituality at that point and I felt I had started figuring out what had been going on in my life previously. My first thought about people being mean to me in the past was "Aw they must had been jealous...but jealous of what? And how does that explain family members?". I studied the LOO, the Seth material and whatever I could get my hands on and thought I got the answer. Noone was ever jealous, it was just me, I was bringing people's insecurities out just by being present. I thought about this over and over again, tried to see if I was actually doing something to cause such reactions but the conclusion/realisation was the same. I tested it, in occasions were someone was treating me in a bad manner I would intentionally keep my calm and tell myself "This is not something you are doing to them, stay calm, this is fight between A and A's self, not a fight between A and you". So I figured that it was my aura, energy or whatever you want to call it, me sense of understanding myself, a sense of calmness and a sense of certainty that was causing some people to automatically attack me and some others to just love being around me.
Understanding all this changed me from a lonely, remote person to rather warm and social. and for a year or so it had been getting better and better. Still a bit lonely, but much more capable of making friends, striking conversations, lifting people's moods, working with them on their problems and generally just making people smile (I guess that would be my drug, i really enjoy making people smile).
Now to the problem. I thought I had dealt with all the bullshit, I had understood all the catalyst even though it took years and was ready for new catalyst, challenges, development, whatever one would call it. And everything just started falling apart.
In the past three/four months all the catalyst I went through since I was a child seems to be coming back. I made choices which have brought me were I am today, i was doing the whole "follow your heart, trust yourself, trust your intuition, trust your feelings" thing, yet, others have been involved, others who lied to me. I feel there is a bigger picture to all this but I feel drained and unwilling to try and see the bigger picture. Just tired. I cannot even make any sense of the smaller pictures. I have lost faith in others and I have lost faith in myself, meaning that I am afraid to move forward, backward, left or right.
I tried strengthening my communication with guidance, higher self, creator, whatever label seems best. Truth is, I cannot hear any of them or if I do the answer I get seems to be "Go forward, backwards, left and right", so I chose to stay where I am. At this moment I feel that the only thing I want to do is be a passive observer of my life, not because I'm tired and sick of it not making any sense, but because I feel any choice i make will just drop me further into the void. A lot of the time I just imagine myself pointing the middle fingure high up to all the guidance watching over me to simply state that their way of guiding feels cruel.
I should say that meditation, contemplation and anything related don't seem to have the same effects on me that most here report. It might be that my ego is too strong and holding hands with what some would call high intellect. So, I'm trying looking inside and there's too much noise outside or I'm trying to figure it out through dreams but (after several months of trying to understand symbolism) they just don't make sense, so I record them but I avoid trying to explain them cause I just get let down, either because I end up feeling incompetent or completely disconnected. In the meantime, i understand that there are people out there with problems far surpassing mine, but given the fact i am the centre of my universe the only problems I can really, trully identify with are my own.
Thoughts?
I was a sickly kid (allergies,asthma, etc), could never really make any sense of people being mean to me even during childhood (and there was plenty of that s*** from family members and "friends") and I've always seen myself as an outsider, I never really fit any particular social circles or groups or teams, it was like...whenever I thought I found my place as a pebble in the pond, the pond would just spit me out again...bad pebble!
Anyways, at some point I left home to go study and suddenly all my allergies dissapeared, my social issues were persisting BUT I did a really good job studying and just blazing (is that the right word?) through degree after degree and success after success. So I knew that I was doing well in at least 2 big "sectors" of my life.
2010 was probably the worst year in my life (or was it?) and the best at the same time. I was exposed to spirituality at that point and I felt I had started figuring out what had been going on in my life previously. My first thought about people being mean to me in the past was "Aw they must had been jealous...but jealous of what? And how does that explain family members?". I studied the LOO, the Seth material and whatever I could get my hands on and thought I got the answer. Noone was ever jealous, it was just me, I was bringing people's insecurities out just by being present. I thought about this over and over again, tried to see if I was actually doing something to cause such reactions but the conclusion/realisation was the same. I tested it, in occasions were someone was treating me in a bad manner I would intentionally keep my calm and tell myself "This is not something you are doing to them, stay calm, this is fight between A and A's self, not a fight between A and you". So I figured that it was my aura, energy or whatever you want to call it, me sense of understanding myself, a sense of calmness and a sense of certainty that was causing some people to automatically attack me and some others to just love being around me.
Understanding all this changed me from a lonely, remote person to rather warm and social. and for a year or so it had been getting better and better. Still a bit lonely, but much more capable of making friends, striking conversations, lifting people's moods, working with them on their problems and generally just making people smile (I guess that would be my drug, i really enjoy making people smile).
Now to the problem. I thought I had dealt with all the bullshit, I had understood all the catalyst even though it took years and was ready for new catalyst, challenges, development, whatever one would call it. And everything just started falling apart.
In the past three/four months all the catalyst I went through since I was a child seems to be coming back. I made choices which have brought me were I am today, i was doing the whole "follow your heart, trust yourself, trust your intuition, trust your feelings" thing, yet, others have been involved, others who lied to me. I feel there is a bigger picture to all this but I feel drained and unwilling to try and see the bigger picture. Just tired. I cannot even make any sense of the smaller pictures. I have lost faith in others and I have lost faith in myself, meaning that I am afraid to move forward, backward, left or right.
I tried strengthening my communication with guidance, higher self, creator, whatever label seems best. Truth is, I cannot hear any of them or if I do the answer I get seems to be "Go forward, backwards, left and right", so I chose to stay where I am. At this moment I feel that the only thing I want to do is be a passive observer of my life, not because I'm tired and sick of it not making any sense, but because I feel any choice i make will just drop me further into the void. A lot of the time I just imagine myself pointing the middle fingure high up to all the guidance watching over me to simply state that their way of guiding feels cruel.
I should say that meditation, contemplation and anything related don't seem to have the same effects on me that most here report. It might be that my ego is too strong and holding hands with what some would call high intellect. So, I'm trying looking inside and there's too much noise outside or I'm trying to figure it out through dreams but (after several months of trying to understand symbolism) they just don't make sense, so I record them but I avoid trying to explain them cause I just get let down, either because I end up feeling incompetent or completely disconnected. In the meantime, i understand that there are people out there with problems far surpassing mine, but given the fact i am the centre of my universe the only problems I can really, trully identify with are my own.
Thoughts?
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