Hi

[Cyan]

Hi you all.

I was going to write a intellectual statement about who I am, and why I am here. Why I was here before, why I left, and apologize for it.

But I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of what social situations offer, of the high likelyhood that this forum will be full of people with psychopathic or STS oriented personalities.

So, I wanted to approach my return here from a point of view of a detached neutrality. To objectively state why I am here, and why I left.

But, that is not what I want, that is what I would do if I was afraid to be hurt. Which i have been for a very long time.

I am slowly learning not to be constantly afraid, to choose situations and forums, such as this place, and choose not to be afraid here.

So, I was here before, I left of my own will because I disagreed with the energy here. Now I am here again because the energy both in me, and in here, has altered significantly for my return to possible.

To put it in normal english:

Did some soulsearching, figured that bring4th is a good place to integrate into my new self on some level.

If I had to explain this place and what I feel, see, observe and relate to in terms that would best suit their color and vibration, though still be off, I would describe it like this.

"I am unsure if I am 1st level or 6th level. STO, or STS, but all I do know for sure is that when I focus my willpower on one of these bipeds walking around and grunting at one another, they usually say they feel better, and most people who are angry at me for any reason, are angry at me for not focusing on them more. And it fills me with all kinds of emotions."

So, the emotional context of this is this.

I was here before, not sure what nickname I had, but I posted a theory here and it was moved to my blogs without asking and I felt hurt by it and instead of trying to force anyone to conform to my views on the issue as this is not "my home" I simply chose to leave instead. Now I am back here because of two things. Firstly, I have a emotional desire to see if "the new mew" can work in a different way, whereby I don't get either leave or get expelled only to prove my point of the negativity of all beings.

To quote Ra, all beings have some negativity in them, and if my intent is to prove it and act in a way where they see it, while it might improve them due to process that it triggers, it harms me significantly more than it helps them, and as I am harmed significantly, the other is improved only slightly, the overall balance of the world as a result of my actions is only negative. Therefore, I am trying to correct said negativity by doing more of things I enjoy and not focusing on things I do not enjoy.

I do not enjoy spending 15 years trying to wake people up and gaining nothing for myself in the process.

I enjoy gaining things, including a nice place to live, good stuff, food, company, friends, and so on.

I am here because the things I wish for in live, that I wish for myself and am building for myself include coming to terms with my own defences, my own pain and my world.

B4 is a part of that, because my actions here were and are, not the quality and purity I desire for them to be.

I will participate in the convos and attempt to help people as help is requested, but only as long as ALSO-I enjoy it and as deep as ALSO-I wants to go.

I'm being born and the first step is the also-me aspect.

Long story short.

I'm here because I learned that that my pleasure is as integral to the universe as the pleasure I can bring to others. B4 brought me pleasure, up until my text was moved, after which it felt like I was unaccepted as a part of the community, which the actions taken by the group attested to.

But only because proving that LL team and others arent perfect was my goal.

My goal was, the growth of the team through my own actions.

I think I understand STS better now.

[Ruth]

Welcome back, Cyan! It makes me feel happy that you have shared your learning process with us. I was especially warmed by your statement "...my pleasure is as integral to the universe as the pleasure I can bring to others." And I agree, anytime we do what makes us feel good, what raises our vibrations is good for the universe.

Bless you, Cyan! Love and light to you!

[kycahi]

"I am unsure if I am 1st level or 6th level. STO, or STS, but all I do know for sure is that when I focus my willpower on one of these bipeds walking around and grunting at one another, they usually say they feel better, and most people who are angry at me for any reason, are angry at me for not focusing on them more. And it fills me with all kinds of emotions."

Welcome back, Cyan. I don't recognize you from before, but the quote above suggests to me that you had dabbled with STS and now are looking to become in service to others. In any case, I hope that you stay around as long as you wish and receive as well as give good help.

Please fear not.

[Parsons]

STS entities can not truly "hurt" you, only inconvenience you. By that I mean they can slow down your progress to STO (if thats your choice) in this incarnation only. Attacking them in the same violent manner only distorts both you and them towards negativity.

But the greatest and easiest weapon to wield against them is simply to turn a light switch on... For does the darkness not retreat from the light? Lighting up your heart or your mind with positive energies is all you need to do. It can be as simple as admiring something beautiful thats neutral or positive and taking it into your heart. Or laughing at joke told. Or feeling what the artists felt when they were in the moment of singing/performing a song or writing the lyrics for said song. Anything that is not negative that is simply enjoyed in a quiet personal moment can have the effect of driving the STS individuals/behavior away.

Since someone mentioned that STO individuals still have some STS in them somewhere: Admitting everyone (even me and you) have some kind of negative STS in them or at the very least in their past does not make us more negative. Better to know ones self, even the potential negative sides, so you may know your handicap so you can deal with said handicap(in my opinion). For me personally, it has had the effect of uprooting some stubborn weeds of negativity; whereas in the past, I simply mowed the stock down, leaving the root structure to regrow the next time it "rained".

[Diana]

Welcome back Cyan. Your nickname suggests that you are focusing on communication, which fits with what you related .

It took courage to open up like that. Thanks for sharing your process.

I echo what Kyachi said: "I hope that you stay around as long as you wish and receive as well as give good help."

[Cyan]

I have huge difficulty maintaining my composure. I've reached a point where I am in the point where I can operate at what I and most LL people would consider "Sto-candidate type stuff" like helping the poor and unfortunate and so on.

But while I construct my psyche to be one of a worker for light, I am unsure if all my actions have turned out such.

So a few weeks back I invited total surrender and acceptance of my faults, revelation of all my demons and how they control and attach to me. And now, when i wrote this and wrote this, I am battling with one that makes my ego bloat in a very specific way.

It is sort of this dissassembling dissocitiative depersonalisation thing after childhood abuse.

But it is also this sort of demonic possession that has like 5-6 roots into my soul from where it controls my actions.

There is the ego bloat, the dissassembling, the depersonalizated warmth that prevents action, the sadness from missed opportunity, the hatred for mirrors and reflective surfaces and fear of change. Those ive been working on one by one but damn it is difficult.

Most I can go through, but the ego bloat is one tough SOB. Especially the sidebranching concept how it promogulates faulty ideas.

[Conifer16]

Sts is not really a "bad" thing. Everyone needs to be Sts sometimes. Heck even the creator
Is Sts it only means service to self not hurting others, though from our experiance it can seem like that at times. Just wanted to point this out as it seems like from my Pov that so many equate Sts as evil or bad and STO as good. And if you think about it the. Even STO can be "bad" when it is to much service to other and can overwhelm the other. I just don't think we should put black and white labels on Sts STO.

-Conifer16- Adonai Vasu Borragus

[Cyan]

Nothing to do with black and white labels, it has to do w ith the experience that you as the adonai has. In my view

My experience has been one of darkness, because i have made choices to be with creatures that are inherantly dark, through my emotional choices and actions. I did the choice in an effort to go help them come over to the light, when, ineed, i have relaised that it is only I that must go to the light.

I knew this step would be ahead of me, since i deployed my emotional ballast 2 weeks back.

I was with a group of people and chose to take on possessions to understand their possessions better. Every one of the people that I Wanted to help in my previous life I've now helped.

So, now the possessions serve no purpose, my suffering, and my pain, my bad choices are all completed and healed, the reasons for the bad c hoices are behind me.

Now it is time to start making different choices.

It will only be as difficult as I want it to be.

Sucks that I love the difficulty that is life

---

The answer to being STO is to relax. But teaching a brain thats learned to do nothing but stress for 20 years to just sit and relax is hard work. Paradoxically.

[Ruth]

Sending you extra love and light, Cyan!

[Parsons]

The answer to being STO is to relax. But teaching a brain thats learned to do nothing but stress for 20 years to just sit and relax is hard work. Paradoxically.

I have been desperately trying to "calm down" lately as well. What has recently worked for me when I would have waves of anxiety/self-consciousness of the attention of others is just not fight it down... Just close your eyes briefly and let it crescendo into your heart like ocean surf breaking on a cliff wall. When I achieve this successfully, the feeling I get is: like my heart is fluttering in love like a cute girl just smiled at you, and then a calm warm rush like I just had a shot of whiskey or something. Which saves me from crippling my intillect in conversations with people due to self consciousness/nervousness. Your mileage may vary, just trying to be helpful. lol

[Cyan]

I appreciate everyone trying to be helpful.

I had a very interesting experience last night and the past 3 days which I will now relay here. The experience itself feels as though it should be shared.

I am unsure how to begin writing this as it is such a large topic. So instead of doing it chronologically I will instead approach it from a emotional perspective of describing the events as their importance and significance is to the present day me. Not what they might have been.

So, the story might seem slightly jumbled but try to keep it together.

PS: Contains strong language, things that might trigger negative experiences but I HOPE that they would instead be felt as positive. Has a few curse words, I prefer not to remove them as it might risk the carefully structured energy of what I am trying to convey.

I was sexually abused by my elder brother when I was about 7, it was the down point of my life, and far from its eventual culmination. It did continue to be bad, both before and after that for a long time, but to put it in perspective, the sexual abuse was one of the lower points of my journey in terms of emotional harm.

I remember sitting at my parents house when I was a child, and crying under a table because my brother had once again hurt me emotionally. I retaliated by cutting a few of the hairs of a few of the toys he had made, or were made from him, these round fluffy balls made from twine. And I was yelled at it, and because I never told my parents why I did it the yelling was both unhelpful and only served to worsen my situation.

But my childhood was, in a way, quite a mess, my brother was in a daycare center that was, to put it mildly, absolute hell. He was there until the age of three.

At such a point he was taken out and move to a better facility, this body was born 3 years later.

Best as I can understand, he was abused pretty badly there, and in turn, in his mind he convinced himself that to "help" me, he had to "harm" me to "help" me understand the inherent dangers and hostility of the universe, which was something I absolutely understood, from the farthest moments I can remember, I instinctively defended myself from harm by avoiding things that were harmful. I never really fought since I didn’t believe in fighting, I believed in avoiding fights, the people who fight have the right to fight one another, I simply choose not to care about them, at all. So I never got into trouble in that way. I was sort of "out there" because when I sensed hostility from others I immediately left, that is to say, my soul vanished into this dissociative state and I started to unconsciously channel from my higher self. I lied and directed the conversations away from topics that would "harm" me, that is to say, conversations where as a result of the path the conversation has taken I would have to take in a paradigm that is not something which I feel is what I want the most. So instead of colliding with others, I simply guided them away from forcing me to do anything. I chose to avoid them entirely.

That is how I survived my childhood, it was a relatively good time since I had phenomenal abilities to simply calm others down and direct them away from topics which I would find harmful to me.

That includes talking to a childhood shrink for a year when I was "young" can’t remember when exactly, but the shrink never found out that I was abused and how badly my brother treated me. In a way I felt like his choices were his choices and if he didn’t want to come out and publically admit how much he hurts it’s his call. I will simply not let him influence me. I cry when he hurts me, but when I am somewhere else, as in the psych office, I am no longer unhappy. I am so in the moment that I literally feel just like I normally would. I know life is a combination of painful and pleasurable impulses and you have to sort between the two with your internal defensive systems to get to the outcome you want. There is no evil, as such.

Now, the real trauma I have, is both the combination of the bad childhood, which is not so important. And, what is critically important is how good I was at defending myself. In my 20 years of going around the world and talking with people, it is very rare to see someone with such an ability to dissociate and defend themselves from psychological and spiritual harm.

Now, what really cast me into this web of self hurt that I’ve been sort of stuck with is this experience.

I am sitting in the nurses office in school, I’m complaining of a headache that I have (wanted to get out, school was crap, didn’t learn anything and simply was bullied every day for 10 years) So I did what I usually do, which is leave the situation but stay IN myself. Simply impress upon others that I have "left". That way, headaches worked wonders, I get to walk out, can’t be proven that I have or don’t have one, and can go to the forest or the park to play and actually interact with things I learn something from, like what sand really feels on a hot summer day.

The nurse talks with the other nurse and the lady turns to look at me, and this is where it goes odd.

I have this image of her looking in my eyes with a very piercing tone and saying "Maybe all your problems are due to sexual abuse" which catches me absolutely by surprise, even though I know it did happen, but getting through ALL my defenses and getting the idea "all your problems" as if there is such a thing called "problem" which is so untrue, there are only choices and circumstances.

Then there is this mental image of bright yellow and purple colors shifting and waving and dance and then I say something hurriedly thought of defensive stuff which puts her off her guard and she looks at her papers again, and my brain is a flash with adrenaline for the first time that I can remember in my entire life I am afraid. If there is a problem then there is WRONG and I am deeply afraid, it is no longer just pain and pleasure, choices and circumstances. But that there is such a thing as WRONG.

I leave the nurses office with a permission slip to go home, I sit down in the hallway and put my head down in my lap and feel absolutely shattered, my life now "sucks" and I know it "sucks" because I have "problems" I must "fix". Instead of my life being neutral and it being neutral because it lacks all inherent meaning that is separate from me as the observer and there are only pleasurable choices, and painful choices.

So my entire world view is shattered, I remember that THEN and ONLY then did the thought of there being a "wrong" person or WRONG anything at all enter my mind, and I was about 11. Up until then I had always known it is just relative that all evil is relative, all good is relative, it is just choices and those who intentionally seek pleasure for self and are absolutely indifferent to others, and those who instinctively seek pleasure for the self through others.

That is my view of the STS and STO concept, that at this level the defining attribute is what do you want, do you work on your own and simply enjoy life and all things around you as they are without any moral judgments. Or do you seek to "heal" or "fix" or "change" it.

Up until then I never saw a need to fix everything or anything, up until such a time even with the sexual abuse, violence, intense stress, fathers depression and mothers issues, I never felt the need to fix anything, I was simply observing the people and saying to myself "they all hurt, and they have chosen to hurt, instead of trying to force them to make another choice, I will simply move towards those that don’t hurt."

After that I have spent my life moving towards those that hurt, in an effort to "move" them to an area that does not "hurt".

The nurse, in my view, brainwashed me to a STS oriented world view, but it never really stuck because it was always slightly "loose".

This all happened almost 15 years ago from today.

And for the past 3 days I've been having feelings of possession, of regret, of mirroring all my hatred back to me, mirroring all my love back to me, of return to the state of pre-wrong innocence.

Last night I went to bed, and I thought to myself. "I want to feel good" "none of this makes any sense" "there has to be something wrong with this" Thinking to myself that there must be a fault SOMEWHERE and I’m not sure where, because I can’t integrate a successful picture of the pieces I have, so I individually go through them until I find the piece that doesn’t fit, the idea that doesn’t harmonize with the others.

Then I had this buzzing feeling in my brain, like someone had shot a voltage through it, every time I had a negative thought about myself I felt awful, every time I just thought "tis all just all that it is, no connection to anything" I felt at bliss. This continued for roughly as I would imagine, a few minutes to a hour, not sure. Then I eventually started to feel no pain at all, no self blame, it’s all just an illusion, and I accepted it all as such, as it is the only realistic way to integrate all I know about physics and the world. That it HAS to be a dream, all of it.

More and more adept I became at holding my mind in place. That is to say, not moving my mind at all. I experienced this pure white bliss with a constant buzzing like sound in my ears, a sense of no heartbeat followed by a sharp electrical shock in my chest and a feeling of adrenaline, followed again by the same state of peace and a few more shocks, and then nothing but the peace.

Then I was in this realm with this kind of white yellow golden energy gently floating about but still staying in form, simply because it all WANTS to stay in form, nothing is holding it there but it just wants to stay in place. I would describe it as a world where you are viewing liquid gold and honey in a state where gravity is significantly less but EM fields are far far stronger than this reality. Everything felt "light" as in, literally having little weight, but intensely energetic and "hot" but still nice to touch. I realize that had my physical body resided in such a dimension it would most likely explode in a brilliant ball of light in the pressure in a small fusion explosion. Or that is what it felt like.

In this realm there were these entities that floated, one came to me that was both a man in a golden robe and no man at all, it shifted back and forth automatically as soon as I thought of one or the other. I talked with it for several hours and we discussed my life, my choices, what happens after death. We are all one soul btw, but this world has many souls but the universe, as we know it to be today, is, according to the vision that this entity provided for me. Almost entirely empty.

According to the vision of this vision, it is at THIS MOMENT only inhabited by the "human" spirit, which is who I was at that side, I was the "human" soul without attachment to anybody or concept. The universe is, according to what I saw, composed of a inherently complex fractal pattern which continues on for an eternity, every black hole opens up a new dimension of existence and a new future. It continues like this forever, and all spirits that have ever entered this orb will always have a memory of them INSIDE the orb. So. From my view, I am now the only human in existence, you are all memories. BUT due to our nature as significantly higher entity beings, the reality is that you are all also real, but you are real when you are in this orb, when you are not, you are a memory of the person that is in the orb at the moment.

For all intents and purposes, the orb only has one human soul at the moment. AS when a soul enters into it, it becomes "human soul" While in reality it is just "soul" and many souls can enter in succession, but I saw I entered it alone. So, it isn’t in the way that many might think, that you are enter into it at 2011 and leave at say, 2012 and when someone enters in after you they start at 2012 and continue to say, 2020 and so on. No, that is not how it works.

IT works that when I enter it, I pick a random point in the entire human evolution, which btw extends forward in history several billion years from t his moment, we will not die as a species but we will by our end convert all matter in the universe into a single calculation device, move our spirits there and experience nothing but eternal joy for all eternity. AS the purpose of any orb is to convert all the matter in that orb into pure joy. And us humans like dem technical ways, to put it mildly. So out evolution will slowly advance towards a singularity and from that a ever expanding fleet of faster than light nanobots that contain a neural net connected via quantum entanglement to all other nanobots and all nanobots are the size of 1:1000 or less of one normal cell and can communicate with any nanobot at any distance instantly. Such a fleet of nanites will eventually extend outward from the earth, first in a semi controlled manner and then get totally out of hand as all restrictions collapse and we will convert all matter in the universe into one brain. And this orb will then turn pure white.

But due to the nature of the fractal and the difficulty of it all, this orb is still in the dark dark purple and almost black golden color. It is in its infancy yet, most of it lacks color (black) and the parts that do have this weird illusion that there is such a thing as wrong. So, this is one of the most difficult orbs out there, life is on ONE planet only and that planet is very difficult to stay in as a soul. That is why more than 90% of pregnancies end in miscarriages methinks, the soul doesn’t want to stay once it has a taste of what this place tastes like.

I am now in this orb, and I am living here and changing the orb by "just chillin and enjoying my life" and eventually brightening it by a bit, and throughout the billions of years that humanity will evolve, my words will result in a marked change in how it all plays out, art, music, literature, all will take a more positive tone, if I simply enjoy my life, if I don’t, then they will grow darker.

The challenge on this level is to maintain your positivity, in knowing that there is absolutely no reason ever to maintain it. It doesn’t matter AT ALL. So there is never a shame, or a wrong answer. IT is like a play where no mistake is ever a mistake, a free theater of sorts.

I understood that I have acted towards others the way my brother acted towards me, the way the people in daycare acted towards him, and so on. All perpetuating the myth of a mistake, there is no such thing.

The wall of all my misdeeds and wrong actions washed over me and I felt a sharp electrical shock on my heart and the pillow on my face felt like it was tingling with small lightning bolts arching back and forth in the fabric and playing with my face. That I died of happiness and my heart needs to be shocked back to living because it all just felt so good. I was just lying there on my side, entirely and completely aware of how it all works, as far as I can be aware entirely and completely, since by comparison, my spirit is possibly 2-3 days old at the level where I was at, and some of the spirits I saw where about 30 by their comparative timing. And I’m 27 now, and with all my experience and working, I was the equivalent of a talking baby. It all felt so good, to know that no matter how it all plays out, the best I can do is to just enjoy myself, just do what I get the most pleasure from.

I'm not sure what else I did but I remember the hall/house/room with this orb, while I was aware that there were other orbs, and that black orb looked insanely beautiful. The spirit looked at me and said you don’t have to go back anymore. And I said I'm okay with it, I want to, I want to finish my job as the best I can, I started it by damn you'll see that I'll finish it with a BANG! Now that I know that there is a entirely logical reason for all of this!

And my awareness moved to the orb, and it was about the same size of a soul, bout 70-80 cm in diameter and I looked at the spirit, and there were others now standing next to it and I said "aren’t you supposed to go like NOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!! and reach our your hand to stop me"

and they said.

"We won’t, because it is your choice to go back."

Then I snap back to reality lying on my left side on my bed and I feel intensely afraid, my body is in a state of shock and most of my body both hurts and doesn’t hurt. It is like my brain is more hurt than anything else, it is afraid of where exactly the signal vanished off to. Like for it, it was all over. And I return my awareness from the spiritual realm back to my physical body and I feel all the demons and possession re-attach them to me, and I observe them as they attach back again, what memories they are linked to, how my thinking changes when they do, and so on. After all, they are only a part of me, and trying to "drive" them away only causes pain, I know I tried both before and after the experience. They are ME, so I make no effort to resist as I haven’t for a few hours. As soon as I start resisting the demonic aspect of myself, my normal personality slowly climbs back to my mind and I return back to who I am.

I sit up in the bed and feel healthy, I have demons but I don’t care, my choice is to live a life where said demons will no longer be needed and thus THEY can let go of ME. I choose to return to the path I had before, where there is no evil, no good. And to get there I must accept where I am now, without judgment.

I learned to love my demons, they taught me so much because they reflected my own hate so much, they reflected the hate that the nurse playced(somehow the spirit from the other side said that this word is more apt than placed or played) in my mind. And to change my past I have to change my future. To change my future I have to accept my past. IT was the first real deep soul level mistake I made, there were others after it, but it was the first one, and the only one that really mattered, as it placed the concept of "a mistake" or "problem" in my mind.

Now I know that there never is a mistake, or a problem. All that it amounts to is a 80 cm orb in a higher plane on a pedestal. It is a orb that looks like a polished peace(spelling intentional) of glass and crystal with a infinitely progressing layers of "shards" that reflect with absolute clarity. So when a soul is placed inside, the light it shines reflects back from the shards, surfaces and walls around it. The trick is to eventually learn to control your mind and your minds random impulses and use those to form something pretty. The harder it is, the earlier it is, the bigger the influence, the later it is the smaller the influence. I choose a point that is virtually at the birth of it all. Human history will advance for a few more billion years. And we will all be remembered by the future generations as incredible giants. The mind management abilities we all have, due to the virtue of being in a PURELY biological body with NO direct control via a machine interface is something that causes future generations to look at us in much the same way as we look at the first monkeys to develop speech. It is a fucking incredibly achievement. Just being able to smash two rocks together is, from their point of view, incredible. The level of control that you have to have, over your own thoughts, on this level, is insane.

One "wrong" thought and you'll make a lifetime long "mistake"

So, never worry, never fear, and know that even smashing two rocks together is a feat that will be applauded by billions for billions of years to come.

Saying "don’t worry" or "have a nice day" will be worthy of an opera, and there will be operas of all your days of all your moments, except the once that you want to keep private. You CAN hold secrets, if you want. But the way that place works is that you don’t want to.

In closing, I am okay, 15 hours after the experience. I have no serious heart conditions and while I am slightly nervous now, I do feel the need to sleep soon. I am aware of who I am, my name, gender, age and all relevant details and can function without any problems. So not asking for help, just wanted to share something.

It could just be a random dream visual, a Ayahuasca flashback (very unlikely, never seen anything even remotely like this, ever, on Ayahuasca or not), I did smoke pot but I’ve done that as much as I want for 4 months and the closest similarity I can think of is when I fall asleep I sometimes see a businessman with a pale face asking me what dream I Want to see now. Beyond that I have no experience to compare this to and can find no other reason besides the strong desireful application of my willpower for both personal development, happiness and willpower, combined with MANY fortuitous circumstances.

I could write more about what I feel but I’ll rather keep this relatively short.

[Observer]

Interesting story indeed, we all have experiences that help us progress and learn, I must say this was yours. Love and Light, never forget that you are not alone, all is one, and one is all.
Namaste friend.

[Cyan]

Anyone else read it, or have comments on it? I invite discussion about it if at all possible

[kycahi]

Thank you, Cyan. We enjoy the company of people who like to discuss every point of a post, so I leave yours to them. Instead, I'll focus on just this one bit.

That is my view of the STS and STO concept, that at this level the defining attribute is what do you want, do you work on your own and simply enjoy life and all things around you as they are without any moral judgments. Or do you seek to "heal" or "fix" or "change" it.

I submit that most people around the planet, although fewer all the time, fall into the first category. I call this the Random Mass. They bounce around among being nothing in particular, a little helpful, a little selfish, a little sad and a little happy.

The rest, who seek to heal, fix or change, fall into STO or STS. Those in service to others work to be examples of loving, serving, open and tolerant.

Those in service to self work to make themselves as leaders who can show the True Way to enlightenment, happiness and/or wealth. They probably believe that they have good stuff for their followers and are doing them favors, even as they set themselves apart and above everybody else and demand the very strict following of their rules. They chose this path because they have a natural gift for it; it's the easy way for them to go, whereas most people would find it extremely difficult.

With this in mind, decide where you fit--STS or STO. Either choice is good, and likely better than not making one at all.

[highpriestess]

Firstly just a big thank you for sharing your words and experiences with all here! Many can be apprehensive to post, and reply as well (myself included). It's remarkable how there can be such an inbalance between the # of times a posts have been viewed vs. the replies it actually receives.

Everyone's experience in this 'worldly' plane can be so varied and unique as to encompass both polarities of extremes-- moments that amaze, inspire, go beyond description and elevate us out of 'ourselves'; and others which likewise speak to such depths of darkness that it can make one drown inside themselves.

Before I stumbled onto the Law of One information I had done some research on various facets of ritual abuse and the like; many who identify as victims have shared stories and have a very similar description of self disassociation. Descriptions of connecting with their higher selves and out-of-body experiences where they are above themselves watching events occur. It is truly amazing what defensive means we are capable of.

I feel so happy to know that your experiences have culminated into a level of peace and happiness. It's such a reminder of the true opportunity that lies within catalyst. Everything truly happens for a reason, there is no such thing as coincidence, or wrong. We're all one!

[Cyan]

I feel my negativity slowly creeping up on me again. I feel anxious about if I am going insane or losing my mind. I feel as if the experience itself made me "lose" a central part of my crown chakra.

I feel that my negative choices literally and physically affect the world around me in ways that I can not explain appropriately without concluding that I am on the 4th dimension and that this world is a representation of my mind.

I feel that my mind is a place filled with so many negative thoughts and desires that given 4th level existence and the creation that molds itself around my desires as I am now would lead to my annihilation in conflicting desires.

I know that I have a path back to the peace and calm of the, what I feel is either 5thD or 8thD, 8thD is closer to what my heart says that it was.

But if I want to move there as a whole creature, without leaving parts of me behind or leaving my life process in a state that is not what I want it to be, I wish to remain here and complete my OWN desires to be here.

I feel as if I am unable to complete the journey on my own and need help.

I feel as if asking for help causes people to attack me.

So asking for help causes people to attack me.

I have several explanations for why I feel that way.

But I am unsure if the explanations are relevant as they move me away from my heart and towards my mind.

But if it is my mind that I wish to heal, then moving towards it seems logical.

As long as the direction, desire and influence is as I wish for it to be.

Wish for guidance on this matter, opinion sought from healers and seers that I know of well from my pre-experience life.

Also posting request for guidance here.

While I might not change myself based on what guidance is provided, the guidance itself is always helpful as the mirroring effect that any community provides allowes me to better understand who I am.

So, help?

---

Things i wrote down last night:

Lying down seems like the best teacher.

Balance is not something you go to, it is where you are when motion ends.

(pet store name) bunny is alone and it makes me feel anxious.

I feel anxious that (girlfriend name) prevented me from petting bunny even though she brought me there. I said i want to pet it a few times but (girlfirend name) took the attention and time away, then the bunny was left unpetted.

A nail on the wall above my bed would allow me to hang a camera there to record thoughts.

(girlfriend name) answer 100-200 okcupid questions.

Anxiety comes because there are so many things on my brain that I want to get written down but I wont let myself do so.

---

Buy a smoothie maker, put on lowest possible setting, fill with innards of watermelons, turn into a drink, filter seeds easily through their different weight compared to the drink itself. If setting is low enough should work. Would allow me to eat as much water melon as my body says I want. Which is a tremendous amount. I simply dislike picking the seeds off and the seedless variety tends to get soggy on the inside.

[Cyan]

So, this one should be a little more coherant, last one was more of a list of things i thought about and wanted to throw out there and ahve sorted out. Most of you sent energy I felt and it helped me sort it all out. Thank you for that.

I still have trouble integrating the thought that this is ALL, every experience, formed around my desires, and the reason for all my suffering is that I have incarnated only partially and left myself mostly outside due to fear. Which is why everything in this universe forms in this manner.

While the STS-STO concept my exist, the reason I am here is not to participate or feel of it, but to see and gain knowledge of it. I study the universe from a intellectual point of view only. Were i truly in it i would be out there doing charity work, helping people, i would not be in here.

So while the universe might be entirely the same or entirely different, what matters is that for me, eprsonally, it all revolves around what I want.

I see how my actions changed my parents, how the people i influenced went for good and bad. I see all the negative consequences of my actions. And it is, devastating and rebuilding.

I realise that at the moment, now, i suffer only because i choose to do so. And My problem is this, I can no longer make a different choice. But the question that arises from that:

Have I ever made a choice? At all?

And the answer is.

No.

[Cyan]

EDIT: TO clarify, it is something I saw and wrote down.

This…. This is going to be a long one.


Now bear with me here, I cant promise accuracy but it is something that I felt was true, and feel was needed to be channeled here.

Everyone who feels uneasy about the concept of STS oriented material please just skip the following text. I feel that it is strongly STS oriented material and not sure if it is meant for everyone, but I will post it here as it is what my heart says I should do.

------

I saw a shape floating in space, it had two spheres of equal size followed by a long beam of light from where the spheres meet.

The one on the left was the sphere of creation, and the one on the right was the sphere of destruction, the beam in the middle is the energy of all the souls that ascend the system and are liberated.

The path of creation is one where a single entity becomes many shards for the benefit of all. Each shard will grow on its own into a million more entities that all shatter on their own time keeping the cycle going forever.

The path of destruction is one where a million entities slowly become one entity. Each shard is merged with those near it to form one whole shard again.

If the path of creation, the path bringing forth the light from the core gains an upper hand, the universe overheats and slowly cookes to death.

If the path of destruction, the path bringing to within from the external gains an upper hand, the universe grows cold and slowly freezes to death.

STO is the structure that cycle forever.

STS is that which the structure houses, that which is being given birth to.

Everyone who follows STO will eventually lose all independence, free thought and personal liberty through merging into greater and greater wholes until you became a part of the background, it is the force of entropy whispering sweet nothings to you.

Everyone who follows STS but fears and blocks the energy will turn into a violent psychopath as they strive to prove to themselves how much power they have while they themselves resist.

Everyone who follows STS and gives in will liberate themselves from the illusionary STO-STS dichotomy and reach nirvana.

What Ra does not understand that the cycle can never end with all merging into one, because it is a cycle that will continue as long as a single positive entity decides to turn negative and shatter itself into a billion trillion pieces again.

Ra is looping a thought that he will never be free from. Be free.

-------

Opinions?

[Ankh]

-------

Opinions?

You have to feel inside what is right for you personally. Use Ra material, if it "speaks" to you, and use it in those ways that/if it speaks to you. There is no universal truth/knowledge in this density that is valid for each and one of us, as we are "blind" here and must seek with our lights off, or behind the so called veil. If the above thoughts of what you wrote resonate with you, hey! Then you found a way. Me personally, I feel that I will stick with Ra though, at least for now, as it resonates not only in my mind, but in my heart.

Are you feeling better now?

In loving Oneness, my brother.

[Cyan]

All i can say for sure is that I am in a state of flux.

[RonAl]

Hi Cyan, welcome.
It is true that the cycles never end in a way, but I think they complete and then restart but at a different level.
STO does in a way lose independence but becomes part of a bigger whole and as such gains more 'power'.
I think you are an equal partner to the greater whole, you are not less than you were before but I think 'greater'
I sometimes wonder that when the cycles restart at a different octave if we also start over again at the beginning.
Much love and light to you and yours

[Cyan]

I think I now understand it better.

I made a choice last night to be what I want to be regardless of how it might be viewed by others. Then I proceeded to lie down and imagine what I would do if I had "absolute power" as such fantasies usually reveal most about people, power corrupts and all that. What would my "corruption" be.

And I pictured myself creating an universe from nothingness, then splitting small shards of myself to create a universe on my term and gift them with life and attaching the entities to the physical world and then separating them from me, even though they are completely the same as me. Then I would move between entities, becoming one entity at one time and then another at another time. It would be my creation. I would then ask STO entities to protect me and my creation from others. Then I would ask purely STO oriented entities to play in my world with me.

Then i thought back to my childhood and youth. I have always had a purely selfish desire, but the content of that desire has always been to provide others with the highest amount of pleasure and joy that is possible for me to generate, regardless of how much I might suffer or not.

Then i realised, that this level is a STS oriented black hole like structure, where simply saying "Hi, I see what you are doing there, I'll play with you and give you a playing partner so both will enjoy it more!" will lead to pain and suffering, the reason for that is that this is a historically STS oriented world.

Now, nothing is wrong with the desire to offer a canvas to others and let them paint with "me". What this world does is that it is an incredibly good reflective surface, if you are unable to channel it from the self, you will simply put two creatures next to each other and they will rapidly reflect off of each other until they are both incredibly disoriented and nauseous.

But. If you change that in the following pattern.

"Hi, My name is (illusionary concept of self), I want (illusionary concept of a self that has desires) to do **** (illusionary desire arising from the self) with you (Illusionary concept of the other self). Would you like to share your illusionary concept with me for a moment, it seems like fun!"

It is effectively the same thing, except that you acknowledge that the world itself is an illusionary concept. And that being born here you live on the terms of this world and you can not use your own sense of "that is STS and that is STO" because it no longer applies here as both actions are entirely impossible on this level until you gain a new balance.

So, we are all STS primarily, especially all those who are awaken. But what happens then is what you do with your knowledge of self centered soul powers.

I choose to, and have always chosen to, give as many people as much pleasure and joy as they want in specifically the way they want. It is my selfish desire and i choose to use this self centered world to improve that.

And there is my understanding of STO and STS. That to be STO when you start in a STS-Candidate world you must accept the rules of the world and use those rules to express your love and heart. If your heart says "i want to hug others and give them all kinds of nice and joy" then you are STO and it is good. If it says "I want to rip from others and curse them all kinds of pain and misery" then you are STS and it is good.

For me, being alone is never really all that much fun, but i have trouble finding the people i can be positive with and not have to shield my heart from them because of their inability to control themselves. Which is always just a reflection of my inability to control myself.

My purpose for being here is to learn how to accept the illusion that is the existence of the self. And from that to attempt to ascend to 8th Directly, as alluded to in the Ra material Might fail but at least it will provide all you fellas with a spectacular show if it works the way I feel it might

[Cyan]

TO:

RA

FROM:

ME!

MESSAGE:

Thanks folks, energy has helped, appreciates more but would prefer feeling better throughout the process if possible. OK. thanks.

[Aaron]

Love you!

[Cyan]

Had 1 friend do a healing on me remotely, another one f***** with my mind pretty badly.

which is both what I want and deserve as it is what I have done to others.

I know that what is happening is that I am being "healed" because I asked for it, but my unconcious/subconcious/fears/me is trying to resist it, but it is now happening at what I would consider "optimal" speed.

So, keep sending the love. I'll keep using it to move closer to who I want to be for real.

On another topic.

Watching that blackwhitetriangle fractal tube thing that someone linked was an intensly trippy experience! Marvelous work!

[Cyan]

Okay, so, I feel.... interesting.

I feel like I have been in THIS moment (as in, the moment I am in now) in the past and all of my past was just a sidetrack, a lie, or some kind of dream that I am now waking up from, at age 27, and I sort of feel like I was a child that dreamed the last 20 years because they would have been filled with such crap that the child wanted nothing to do with it.

Now that I am focusing again on what I WANT as a spiritual entity, my inner child comes back and screams with glee.

It is sort of "I want to hug that lady on the bus there, i want to talk with her, i want to hand this person my contact info, i want a connection with that, i want..." and so on.

I havent given into my "I want" personality for nearly 20 years and it literally feels like my heart chakra spinning open and marveling at everything.

It isnt a want that i would categorize as "I want that from out there to stop being out there as well and instead move to within me" (devour, i think)

More of a "Oh, The creation that this entity has made for itself looks marvelous and makes this creation that I have made for myself experience this, I dont know why but it makes me feel good! So, I will proceed towards that "good" feeling regardless of what it means."

This has resulted in me randomly giving away my possessions to people I meet and then just smiling as I walk around and talking to quite a few random nice people and complementing random things about them every day.

Sometimes I still get scare and fear for social acceptance as some acts would invariably cause a huge commotion.

Example of this would be the following:

I saw a fairly young girl (11-13) on a bus and instantly knew that she seeks the attention of older men who abuse her because her sex chakra is intensly open and this society in general does not tolerate women with open sex chakras, as any women probably knows. I felt a tug at my heart so that I should say to her that she doesnt need to do that, that the world is full of nice older men too. That there is no need to debase her for the amusement of others if she feels it is the only way to trade for something that she really wants, which is based on her energies, sex. That if she really is determined to do that then any relatively good psychcounselor or spiritual person can tell her simple pointers on how to separate those that seek to devour her energies from those that just enjoy being close to her energies.

It is something she would learn on her own but just the deep almost painful urge she had for the sexual approval of older men was such that I had to tell my heart that while I could say to her that I see it and then say that she doesnt need to seek it constantly would probably help her, it would not help her to do it in a public and potentially very scarring way.

While I did realise that just saying it to her would get quite a few very queer looks from others, the pain that she projected was so immense that literally it grabbed my heart and pulled me to the situation. I could walk away but only by saying that saying anything to her would be both too painful for me, and possibly, too public for her.

So i felt the energy go and then dissipate and then she looked a bit sullen.

It is, in many ways, a huge burden to see jus thow much people hurt themselves and just how little they are really willing to heal themselves.

A another similar situation was a chick in a train reading a book that i bumped into and decided to randomly tell her that she looks pretty and has a nice smile, then i continued talking with my friend about metaphysics while most of the people on the train occasionally glanced at the two of us. She laughed and smiled and i could see from the corner of my eye that even whiel reading her book she couldnt help but have a little wiggle-smile on the corner of her mouth!

Made me feel happy!

Stuff like this, in general, is something I have utterly refused to do as I have considered self centered manipulation (I see what others want and return it via energy in a way that they want)

But that has changed. Only thing is that every now and then there ARE times that I could say something but let my fears or something stop me and then the whole situation goe sbad quickly.

Good example of this was making candles and failing and then becoming intensly angry with myself for a failure and proceeding to rip myself to shreds emotionally for it. Which is a echo from past failures, i think.

Also, on the downside, I cut like 15 cuts into my left calf/thigh for some reason repeating to myself "never ask for help, you'll never get it anyway, never ask for help, you're not worthy of it" and so on. I felt like I wanted to do it, didnt feel that painful when i did it nor did it provide the relief that it used to, it just felt like 5 seconds of "oooh yeah" then nothing, and i felt a bit silly about the whole thing. Then i proceeded to show it to one of my students/patients and explain that every human being has their own issues and no single authority no matter how good or bad by their subjective experience should EVER be trusted with everything. So always ground your personality in your concept of "I want X" so you can change it easily, and if you want to trust, then you can trust 100% but trust through yourself to others, not through the other self to you. So, build on your own desire and expand from there creatively, not from the otherself and from there in a re-creating way.

Make your own adventure, dont just live through the adventures of others. So dont idolize or mimic.

I FEEL i understand why i am here, and was here, and was there... and so on.

It is because as a child I decided to start manipulating others and myself for some reason. Best explanation I can give is a sense of wanting to help other sby becoming more like the image of what others want of me, and through that becoming what the strongest image wants of me, and through that becoming negative. But only becasue I desired to be and experience the negative.

Now, i think, i've had enough of it. The negative that only seeks to re-create and reflect the creation of others with no sense of from self-to-others.

I feel I want to resume my creative work and seek to create worlds, adventures, artifacts and things. I feel I want to create from what the universe provides things and experiences that I enjoy making.

By my definition that is positive, but I suppose its a matter of definition as always.

Opinions as always accepted and sought for.

[Cyan]

I'm fairly sure that STO does not have the same understanding that STS does and the only way TO really proceed to STA (7th level self) is to integrate both within.

So

The only way for ANYONE ANYWHERE EVER to reach any advance in STO, there HAS TO BE STS creatures in the mix at some level.

Without them, as alluded to in the Ra material as to the reason for STS, about how pure STO does not move or evolve much on its own. Added catalyst they said, i think.

This leads me to think that the conventional model is incorrect.


I saw the universe as this:

This should have a picture, if not, i'll edit and reupload.

  Singularity.png (Size: 53.08 KB / Downloads: 7)

With the lesson being that only by purely surrounding yourself in STS while maintaing a STO inner part, will you be able to maintain your soul and remain individuated in society and NOT have to draw in all of this societys darker energies and be incapaciated by it. So, the best possible defence would be to surround yourself with the event horizon and collect all your light within that.

So.

Through that, it is possible to determinte that we are indeed in a 4th D STS space, not 4th D STO space. Meaning that the only way to escape is to die in this reality with the conciousness that remebers that the LOGICAL CHOICE that MUST be made in 5th D is to go for STO, to ESCAPE from this orb.

HA,

Now this self is ready to accept that it must choose differently in the beyond, that this quest really is over.

Thoughts?

[Cyan]

SO, here is another thought I had, which makes sense to me from a Ra material PoV if this world is indeed now in the 4th D-STS as seems very probable due to the energies of the people here.

This is my view of how to propel yourself into a mostly STO oriented world-line and maintain what you have learned here as a STS-Candidate entity, which is where this world is heading, and i believe you all can sense it. My personal PoV is that it is time to get ready to evacuate this world before it does the Atlantis.


  3 ways to operate in a STS candidate world.png (Size: 61.95 KB / Downloads: 9)

PS(EDIT): Even though i say STS core and STO edge, it works in both ways in this world funnily enough, depending how YOU observe it, as the reader. From your POV if you focus on the outer layer, it will be STS core and STO shell, if you focus on the inner level it will be STO core and STS shell. That it works as a 2 point fractal with itself in a 4 way chart means that is very likely true from a logical PoV.

That is to say, if both models are ways to accomplish the same aim of survival in a STS world then both ways work. What matters then, is that you have positive energy and that you intentionally use the negative portions of yourself (selfish) to increase your overall positivity is the key. I would personally prefer a STS shield and a STO core until others open the STO to me at which point i will repricote in kind, as a purely STO outer and STS core will mean that when others want they can take your energy for their needs. So that your STo then serves another persons STS. And as all STS are linked by harmonic vibration. Openly and without restraint love for all people will always result in an outcome i na STS-candidate world where you will turn to STS yourself too, unles syou have a core =)

[neutral333]

[WOW. Such a high degree of sensitivity. You mostgh definitely are a wanderer. And. you must definitely have active thought process. But beware, your thoughts can overwhelm and distract. Things happen for a reason. You came back for a reason and we're all glad. Your input is essential.

Big LOVE[/i]

[Cyan]

Thanks, i didnt think anyone was still reading my processes.

It is facinating as no matter who I am, my reflections are always a reflection of something. So. By default. Even if I am STS-Sto-Something else-Neutral-In my defences. Reading my material with the proper PoV is a positive experience.

The positive nature of anyones experience is "how much STO-STS" Do they see in each individual they encounter. Or, in another way. On what aspect of the creation do they focus on.

And to me, and in my PoV. Every interaction, no matter what the nature, content and direction of that intercation is, the experience itself is positive and has no negativity beyond what I choose to enter into the situation.

I intentionally mirror the absolute minimal amount of negativity that I can maintain while sitll having my own individual creation, or, STO-Potential, as I see it.

Too much STO causes a person to explode, and it is one of the hardest lessons to learn for a STo directed entity (Form a individual self barrier or perish).

Too much STS causes a person to implode. And it is one of the harest lessons to learn for a STS directed entity (Accept other selves as real and individuals).

So.

My model, and my experiences correspond to a probable world where earth has been leaning in a STS direction for decades. Slowly heading towards STO direction.

I am a very STO entity with a very very difficult life lesson directly designed by me to force myself to intentionally manipulate STS strands to form a protective shell. Followed by equally deliberately removing said shell one strand at a time and allowing for resumption of STO-communication.

Only way on this level to reach the STO-candidates is to be able to mis-direct and delibrately defend oneself from STS-candidates.

Now, having reached a point where I strongly feel I am within who I wish to be, and thus, protected. I am able to start mapping the world around me in a way that I feel is objective.

Towards that view, which i feel is objective and i feel I am able to manifest with intent. My actions to others are STO always, regardless of what I do, as there is never this "self" to give power to, other than in the sense whereby two electrons are both the same electron but both must intentionally manifest their own electric field even when separated from the mass.

Not sure if what I said makes much sense to anyone, it is very difficult to find the proper words to describe something that in my mind has several more dimensions than what the English language will allow. So the decription seems jumbled and like it is jumping over points. I do that because to explain what happens when the reader notices a "jump" would take several dozen pages at least.

Thank you if anyone is sitll reading and finds my things interesting, even if you do not provide feedback as I had hoped