05-05-2011, 04:43 AM
Over the days I have tried to keep so many emotions inside of me, but I don't think it's healthy to do. Before I start i just want to state that I am simply letting out my feelings onto this thread, and asking for advice/guidance/support. I love you all so much, Thank you! Mind my grammar as well, i apologize. It might be quite long but there was no way to shorten it...
For the past few months I have spent the most of my time transiting between home and my university (residence), studying away while trying adjust myself to the freshmen year. After exams I came home to see so much negativity, negativity that has been always there. I never realized that deep down inside of me, the reason why i wanted to stay away from home was to escape the pain.
My father has not been so great at all in my life. I don't mean to speak negative of him (forgive me if i do, i see past his negativity though) but I just want to tell the truth... I have grown up watching him throw fists at my mother, threaten her to scathe her skin, spit on her and verbally abuse her as if she was just an animal. He is a man who hides his true figure outside to the public, being as sincere as he can to strangers while being so negative to us, his family. His family was like that, and there's parts of this long, dark history that I understand, as well as parts that remain hidden to me, my brother, my sister and my mother. He still hasn't changed, which hurts me the most. My mother comes to me for aid, and since i am older she tells me stories of how my dad is sexually abusing her till the point that she has no energy. It hurts to see my mother sacrifice everything for the sake of being there as the motherly figure. Deep down inside, i want her to be free, to run away from my dad and this so-called "family" for the sake of her life. I strive to be the protector of my mother, and my family overall. It's part of my name anyway, and I sense that this is one of the life goals/paths i have chosen. I am here partly to be a "beacon of light for the family" (thats what my korean name literally means.)
Though sometimes it seems like the actions of my father purely come from his heart, often I sense that there is an entity that haunts my father's lineage (specifically my father). What i know is that my grandfather married 3 times and kicked out two wives for being unable to have babies (this is the dad side). My grandma from my mother's side (who is very strong spiritually) and I feel that it is one of two wives (the poor women) who comes back to haunt my father's bloodline. Why do i suspect? Because when my father goes berserk, his eyes change. I can see that it is not him, but rather his body is merely being polarized by the entity. There are also patterns throughout my father's family, where EVERY time a baby was being born, a huge family feud would occur. I believe it was the entity basically trying to "stop" the lineage. I understand this entity though, and the negative catalysts it brings. Though it caused so much harm to my mother, and to my father, it is trying to stop the negativity of my father's lineage once and for all by showing me the example of what not to be. It was very hard to recognize oneness towards a negative entity, even if it caused massive harm. But I see it as a different form of love, tough love that can be learned in a different way. Regardless of if it is the entity or my father himself, because of the many negative, traumatic experiences growing up, I swore to myself that I will swing opposite of it and become as positive and loving as I can. It has lead me to my awakening of LOO, the oneness and unity of the infinite one creator. Today I try to see through my father beyond the pain he has created... But it is so hard.
Ultimately though, I am here to talk because my father still continues to be like this today. I wish to end all the pain and his negativity. I want to help my father seek forgiveness and to recognize the love and light around him. It is so hard to forgive someone who has hurt you so much, and continues to do so. I understand that times must have been hard for him to feed the family and carry the role of being a father. But this negativity has to stop, I can't stop running away from it. i need to stay to protect my poor mother, and stop any of the negativity from repeating again. I want to face it and shine as much light on it as i can just as what a beacon of light would do. I have tried talking to him countless of times, trying to tell him that I am here to help him restore the broken relationships at home, but he assumes that I am disrespecting him simply because I am younger than him and telling him what to do. My body may be young but my soul is not. I have been here before and I still remember of how i left this place the last time. Every discussion ends in ignorance, where my words go unheard. My mother,brother and sister have no power or courage to confront my father. I am the only one who is able to talk to him, and at the same time who understands his situation. It is so hard to direct him to the light, away from the entity and help him recognize the oneness and unity in our family. I myself have trouble simply because I have so much pain inside of me that sometimes i end up yelling at him. I realize that often times I have retaliated in negativity as well, and I continue on today to stop any of that from happening so that I don't repeat my father's family's mistake as well. How can i help my father? I am loosing motivation and energy, but I know i can't stop. I feel that it is my duty to bring harmony in this family and end all negativity... but i am so drained and i dont know what to do...
I know my paragraphs are bouncing back and forth and is very cluttered. I think I am going to take my time writing out a full story of my life later on, it just hard to bear the pain for a long time. I am sorry.
Thank you for reading my-very-hard-to-follow speech.
For the past few months I have spent the most of my time transiting between home and my university (residence), studying away while trying adjust myself to the freshmen year. After exams I came home to see so much negativity, negativity that has been always there. I never realized that deep down inside of me, the reason why i wanted to stay away from home was to escape the pain.
My father has not been so great at all in my life. I don't mean to speak negative of him (forgive me if i do, i see past his negativity though) but I just want to tell the truth... I have grown up watching him throw fists at my mother, threaten her to scathe her skin, spit on her and verbally abuse her as if she was just an animal. He is a man who hides his true figure outside to the public, being as sincere as he can to strangers while being so negative to us, his family. His family was like that, and there's parts of this long, dark history that I understand, as well as parts that remain hidden to me, my brother, my sister and my mother. He still hasn't changed, which hurts me the most. My mother comes to me for aid, and since i am older she tells me stories of how my dad is sexually abusing her till the point that she has no energy. It hurts to see my mother sacrifice everything for the sake of being there as the motherly figure. Deep down inside, i want her to be free, to run away from my dad and this so-called "family" for the sake of her life. I strive to be the protector of my mother, and my family overall. It's part of my name anyway, and I sense that this is one of the life goals/paths i have chosen. I am here partly to be a "beacon of light for the family" (thats what my korean name literally means.)
Though sometimes it seems like the actions of my father purely come from his heart, often I sense that there is an entity that haunts my father's lineage (specifically my father). What i know is that my grandfather married 3 times and kicked out two wives for being unable to have babies (this is the dad side). My grandma from my mother's side (who is very strong spiritually) and I feel that it is one of two wives (the poor women) who comes back to haunt my father's bloodline. Why do i suspect? Because when my father goes berserk, his eyes change. I can see that it is not him, but rather his body is merely being polarized by the entity. There are also patterns throughout my father's family, where EVERY time a baby was being born, a huge family feud would occur. I believe it was the entity basically trying to "stop" the lineage. I understand this entity though, and the negative catalysts it brings. Though it caused so much harm to my mother, and to my father, it is trying to stop the negativity of my father's lineage once and for all by showing me the example of what not to be. It was very hard to recognize oneness towards a negative entity, even if it caused massive harm. But I see it as a different form of love, tough love that can be learned in a different way. Regardless of if it is the entity or my father himself, because of the many negative, traumatic experiences growing up, I swore to myself that I will swing opposite of it and become as positive and loving as I can. It has lead me to my awakening of LOO, the oneness and unity of the infinite one creator. Today I try to see through my father beyond the pain he has created... But it is so hard.
Ultimately though, I am here to talk because my father still continues to be like this today. I wish to end all the pain and his negativity. I want to help my father seek forgiveness and to recognize the love and light around him. It is so hard to forgive someone who has hurt you so much, and continues to do so. I understand that times must have been hard for him to feed the family and carry the role of being a father. But this negativity has to stop, I can't stop running away from it. i need to stay to protect my poor mother, and stop any of the negativity from repeating again. I want to face it and shine as much light on it as i can just as what a beacon of light would do. I have tried talking to him countless of times, trying to tell him that I am here to help him restore the broken relationships at home, but he assumes that I am disrespecting him simply because I am younger than him and telling him what to do. My body may be young but my soul is not. I have been here before and I still remember of how i left this place the last time. Every discussion ends in ignorance, where my words go unheard. My mother,brother and sister have no power or courage to confront my father. I am the only one who is able to talk to him, and at the same time who understands his situation. It is so hard to direct him to the light, away from the entity and help him recognize the oneness and unity in our family. I myself have trouble simply because I have so much pain inside of me that sometimes i end up yelling at him. I realize that often times I have retaliated in negativity as well, and I continue on today to stop any of that from happening so that I don't repeat my father's family's mistake as well. How can i help my father? I am loosing motivation and energy, but I know i can't stop. I feel that it is my duty to bring harmony in this family and end all negativity... but i am so drained and i dont know what to do...
I know my paragraphs are bouncing back and forth and is very cluttered. I think I am going to take my time writing out a full story of my life later on, it just hard to bear the pain for a long time. I am sorry.
Thank you for reading my-very-hard-to-follow speech.
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