03-21-2020, 01:15 PM
Before anyone reads this I don’t have the ability to make a coherent story and jump back and forth. Every time I reread it I change it and it’s a never ending cycle till I usually just say screw it and delete everything. I find that my frontal lobe was impacted drastically and the occipital during my childhood “accident”. I’m not able to structure and perceive things properly.
(I’m just gonna post it like this or else I’m gonna make myself stress as the guts health is determined by health and I’m contradicting my thoughts as I just to release information in a sensible way which I know feel my colon starting to stress itself )
Welp, it seems as the days go on since my last toke I become more and more grounded.
Weed helped me at first but the more I smoked, the more I became aware of.
Awareness is addicting, the pursuit of greater knowledge. Especially when you can achieve it using a shortcut by smoking.
At first it was helpful, I could finally understand my situation. I could see myself on a social level. Think of a child becoming aware of others for the first time.
For the first time I grew out of the take care of me I’m a little kid phase. Which then I was an older kid in the candy store.
The craziest thing I remember learning, which side note I never learned from my owns thoughts before. Almost like I’m machine learning at this point. Is that there something called time management, y’all probably know what it is, as I can’t remember how to do it >.>
So it was all good, I remember eating my food and I heard screaming because the food was alive and it was eating it without asking it if i could eat it.
I went up a thin energy line, charging my third eye and then poof, all of a sudden UP the wormhole I went. First part probably not technically correct but picture it. Because later I can crashing down.
At the height of the good experience I balanced my physical body and felt light as a feather. I had thoughts of wisdom and loved myself again.
But there were also times where I didn’t believe I was in control. Kind of like I am now.
As I come back to Earth I’m confused and a little fearful of what my future holds.
I’m scared that I know my mind doesn’t work properly. Because I have tried everything in the 20 years leading to this and marijuana was my only ticket to understanding anything.
I’m confused as I try to remember back to the incident, because there’s a chance I had schizophrenia and told myself to kill myself by jumping off the couch and hitting the corner of the coffee table in the middle of my forehead.
I remember being super fearful of what I was doing at the time but I powered through it. Then when I was becoming the light I felt a presence that said it wasn’t my time yet. That sadness has been with me ever since and I found that during my “episode” I visited the light again and I was not deserving of the love/light. I wasn’t pure enough yet.
It’s like I turned my own schizophrenia off and am able to control it through weed. But isn’t that what a schizophrenic would say.
I just want to point out that the first couple times I smoked after a long t break, I would “become conscious” in my mind which makes me want to learn like crazy. At the moment I don’t have thoughts I can control, but thoughts that control me.
In the past I couldn’t understand freewill because I broke my friends heart out of love. All I ever did was follow love and it gave me heart break. I would like to think that the heart break would be the main problem, but how can I have a heart if I can’t believe in love.
(I’m just gonna post it like this or else I’m gonna make myself stress as the guts health is determined by health and I’m contradicting my thoughts as I just to release information in a sensible way which I know feel my colon starting to stress itself )
Welp, it seems as the days go on since my last toke I become more and more grounded.
Weed helped me at first but the more I smoked, the more I became aware of.
Awareness is addicting, the pursuit of greater knowledge. Especially when you can achieve it using a shortcut by smoking.
At first it was helpful, I could finally understand my situation. I could see myself on a social level. Think of a child becoming aware of others for the first time.
For the first time I grew out of the take care of me I’m a little kid phase. Which then I was an older kid in the candy store.
The craziest thing I remember learning, which side note I never learned from my owns thoughts before. Almost like I’m machine learning at this point. Is that there something called time management, y’all probably know what it is, as I can’t remember how to do it >.>
So it was all good, I remember eating my food and I heard screaming because the food was alive and it was eating it without asking it if i could eat it.
I went up a thin energy line, charging my third eye and then poof, all of a sudden UP the wormhole I went. First part probably not technically correct but picture it. Because later I can crashing down.
At the height of the good experience I balanced my physical body and felt light as a feather. I had thoughts of wisdom and loved myself again.
But there were also times where I didn’t believe I was in control. Kind of like I am now.
As I come back to Earth I’m confused and a little fearful of what my future holds.
I’m scared that I know my mind doesn’t work properly. Because I have tried everything in the 20 years leading to this and marijuana was my only ticket to understanding anything.
I’m confused as I try to remember back to the incident, because there’s a chance I had schizophrenia and told myself to kill myself by jumping off the couch and hitting the corner of the coffee table in the middle of my forehead.
I remember being super fearful of what I was doing at the time but I powered through it. Then when I was becoming the light I felt a presence that said it wasn’t my time yet. That sadness has been with me ever since and I found that during my “episode” I visited the light again and I was not deserving of the love/light. I wasn’t pure enough yet.
It’s like I turned my own schizophrenia off and am able to control it through weed. But isn’t that what a schizophrenic would say.
I just want to point out that the first couple times I smoked after a long t break, I would “become conscious” in my mind which makes me want to learn like crazy. At the moment I don’t have thoughts I can control, but thoughts that control me.
In the past I couldn’t understand freewill because I broke my friends heart out of love. All I ever did was follow love and it gave me heart break. I would like to think that the heart break would be the main problem, but how can I have a heart if I can’t believe in love.
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