12-08-2019, 11:45 AM
Hi All. I've been a longtime lurker here and a loyal listener to "In the Now." My friend Eric introduced me to the Law of One material after he and I bonded over spirituality-related interests while living in a co-op. I started meditating every day in 2016.
I'm a musician by choice and by training.
Several patterns in my 21 years of life began to come to the fore after I started smoking cannabis every day (fall 2017).
Before that I was a social smoker. Every weekend I would light up with friends.
(I was always looking to "level up" socially from the time I was around 9 years old and felt alienated by my peers)
Following some times I turned to the plant (see above) after dysfunctional sexual situations, it became an easy outlet for my anxiety and confusion.
The numbness allowed me to overwork myself at school and gain false fulfillment from seeking perfection and always able to do whatever anyone asks, foremost the academic system. (My shadow side is competitive.)
Meanwhile I still thought I was rebellious for smoking every day.
I realize I'm scared of pursuing something because I'm afraid to take ownership. In my head my life will be great if I can do everything people tell me to do to be smart, be a good musician by outside standards, etc.
Now I'm scared of doing anything toward my studies out of fear that it is not the right choice for me, that I will get sucked into overworking again.
Last fall I started some spiritual growth work with a teacher which was both centering and tumultuous at times. Encouragement from my teacher for me to stop smoking cannabis led me to switch from smoking to eating as an addiction. In March I spent five days in the hospital for a suicide attempt.
Now I still self-sabotage in the form of isolating and sleeping poorly and eating sugar.
Lately I am seeing the light and letting tears fall. The book "Brida" by Paulo Coelho is a beautiful story and through it I am able to return to myself. I have had two great therapists who helped me a lot since I have been in the hospital. When I am around people my own age I can interact with them fine, though I sometimes communicate with empty intentions just to fill the silence. Sometimes I just feel like I want to take orders from someone instead of listen to myself, though I cannot go this way anymore. It is hard to return to myself around others.
Any thoughts/conversation on this thread or PMs are welcomed and appreciated.
I am grateful for the friendship that exists within this community. <3 Celia (she her hers)
I'm a musician by choice and by training.
Several patterns in my 21 years of life began to come to the fore after I started smoking cannabis every day (fall 2017).
Before that I was a social smoker. Every weekend I would light up with friends.
(I was always looking to "level up" socially from the time I was around 9 years old and felt alienated by my peers)
Following some times I turned to the plant (see above) after dysfunctional sexual situations, it became an easy outlet for my anxiety and confusion.
The numbness allowed me to overwork myself at school and gain false fulfillment from seeking perfection and always able to do whatever anyone asks, foremost the academic system. (My shadow side is competitive.)
Meanwhile I still thought I was rebellious for smoking every day.
I realize I'm scared of pursuing something because I'm afraid to take ownership. In my head my life will be great if I can do everything people tell me to do to be smart, be a good musician by outside standards, etc.
Now I'm scared of doing anything toward my studies out of fear that it is not the right choice for me, that I will get sucked into overworking again.
Last fall I started some spiritual growth work with a teacher which was both centering and tumultuous at times. Encouragement from my teacher for me to stop smoking cannabis led me to switch from smoking to eating as an addiction. In March I spent five days in the hospital for a suicide attempt.
Now I still self-sabotage in the form of isolating and sleeping poorly and eating sugar.
Lately I am seeing the light and letting tears fall. The book "Brida" by Paulo Coelho is a beautiful story and through it I am able to return to myself. I have had two great therapists who helped me a lot since I have been in the hospital. When I am around people my own age I can interact with them fine, though I sometimes communicate with empty intentions just to fill the silence. Sometimes I just feel like I want to take orders from someone instead of listen to myself, though I cannot go this way anymore. It is hard to return to myself around others.
Any thoughts/conversation on this thread or PMs are welcomed and appreciated.
I am grateful for the friendship that exists within this community. <3 Celia (she her hers)