Human freak, divine path
09-06-2019, 09:14 AM,
#1
Human freak, divine path
My story is way too long to tell here, was told years ago that I should write a book, but don't think that is the one in me, but I won't put labels, expectations or distortions on that, I'll let life be life.

The gist is, I was born the eldest child to two deeply wounded and mismatched parents, and a girl to boot. A back to the womb hypnotism meditation showed me what their behavior had told my soul my entire life, just by the act of being born a girl I was a failure, disappointment and pain bringer. I, literally, felt the agony my mother felt at my father's disappointment in my birth. They both had smiles but even the nurses felt how unwanted I was.

Every single bad, and good, decision, came from that painful place of knowing from birth I could never be good enough. The truth was for my parents I would never be worthy, never be enough, never be what they needed me to be, a male heir.

Stupidly, I spent decades of my life trying to prove I was, too, worthy. Overachieving, over-nurturing the family, overworking, yep. I have tons of great stories about how a high school dropout went from rural, no-opportunity rube, to six-figure making, working in a high rise executive - without a degree.

Lifelong cycle of digging my hole, working harder than most humans would even consider to get out and prove myself worthy, then eventually crashing, or blowing it up, and down I would fall again.

I would tell you what modern psychiatry says about my story, but I can't, I've been dismissed and fired by every single one I've gone to. See, they tell me I know my problems so they can't help me! And that is the story of our modern system of "experts," who actually know very little about that which they preach. Anyway...

My mother was seeking her own forgiveness and changed churches/denominations like most change their shoes. I was a declared Christian as a child, baptized 5 times and then after a discussion turned dismissal from the preacher, I declared God and Christ LIES at the age of 11.

Between the age of 11 and 45(ish) I thought myself a Scientific Atheist (prove it to me), but all along Spirit/Source/the invisible world was right there, guiding me, saving my arse, showing me signs, gifting me with situation saving mini-miracles, but I refused to see, or give credit.

Which led to my longest and most painful marriage to date (15 years) and the longest, deepest, depression I've ever faced (nearly 10 years) before finally deciding I had enough.

Being "smart" (actually a compulsive learner/reader/researcher with a strong memory, not exactly sure this makes me "smart") is so worthless if you are miserable and full of despair, if anything it is then a direct curse because I could see EXACTLY what I was doing but was completely unable to stop it.

I recently have been in a place where so much of my past is being shared with me, revisiting the original events that the pain and fear they generated had shattered me over and over and over, until my active memories were nothing more than actual events surrounded by revisionist and protective lies to keep me, my psyche, and my connection to my family, "safe."

The actual memories of times I've seen, heard, and physically felt Yeshua. For decades these events were clouded, cloaked, veiled, and changed. Yeshua literally saved my life three times as a child and multiple times as an adult, including once where I felt his hand stop me from plowing face-first into a dock while playing a drunken Frisbee game. I not only felt it, all those around me were dumbfounded by the situation. The quotes were, "...it looked like you hit a glass wall, and dropped, inches from the dock..." "...we thought we were going to the hospital, or worse, the morgue, and then you just dropped?!?..."

I told this story, but always as a joke, a "ain't life weird?" sort of thing.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. It is also a wall that completely stops your mind from revisiting your pain, even if that visit is the only thing that will EVER let the original horror go.

Four years into my awakening and the Lions Gate this year ushered in my faith.

Now I know the truth, it DID happen, and it WAS Yeshua.
Quantum physics IS the proof of a divine Creator/Creation.
I have walked on this planet at least twice before and my memories are real.
And, you can go from skeptical atheist to self-assured controller of your life in not much time at all.

My journey now leads me here. I am getting ready to step out of this box and into a new life, at this moment it seems more of a leap than I should take, but I know it is time.

If you made it this far, thanks.
I'm sending all of you love and light for your journey, it is nice to be around others that are seeing this world that I see.
Once I was lost, now I have a map and am savoring my journey!
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12-10-2019, 01:16 PM,
#2
RE: Human freak, divine path
Stardate December 2019

My how things have changed, are changing, continue to evolve at the speed of light.

I filed for divorce last week after knowing it was coming for nearly 15 years, and my husband, who had rigidly held to the mantra of "I'll destroy you if you leave," was RELIEVED. No yelling, no angry hurtful insults, no lamentations and most importantly, no five day complete drunk where he is getting up in the middle of the night to drink himself back to sleep.

Thank you, Universe, Guides, Ancestors, Angels, Higher Self, other selves, and Universal Energetic Laws!

I've been holding him in the light and love of Ho'oponopono for weeks. The days leading up to our Come To Jesus talk I found myself chanting the prayer every time my anxiety began to set in.

I hurled, I tapped, I chanted the prayer, I envisioned my words being loving, making sense, and his smiling.

Instead of my old m.o., fretting, worrying, envisioning the worst in the logical attempt to control the outcome (which never worked, yet seemed like the only way), I was the change I wanted to see. And it worked.

And now, a week later, he is still being, well, fine.

Of course, the money issues are yet to come, but with Ho'oponopono and the Creator on my side I know all is well, all will be well and by gawd, we do create our own outcomes no matter how loud our inner critic tells us to doubt it.

Happy days.

Now that just cracked me the heck up. I end a post about the ending of a 17-year relationship with "happy days." Who'd thunk it?

I am happy about it, and truthfully, it appears that so is he.

What a wild, wacky, ride this life has been.

If I don't make it back, happy new year to anyone that made it this far!

Much love.
Once I was lost, now I have a map and am savoring my journey!
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01-07-2020, 11:35 AM,
#3
RE: Human freak, divine path
On the 30th I attended a psychic "party" at a local metaphysical center.

I knew nothing of the hosts/guides, but was led to it and it broke my sabbatical from spending money on such pursuits. The Divine Mother and Sekhmet insisted, I listened.

While the night was awesome, wonderful messages and energies shared, my own reading was mind-boggling.

The real shift didn't begin until the following days.

I went back and along with my mom (in Spirit), we redid my birth.
She held me while my decades of self torture vomited forth.

While I held forgiveness for my mom, I didn't fully forgive her because, well, damnit, a child's birth, especially in a wanted pregnancy, should be joyous goddammit! I had my son when I was 15 years old and that child came into this world in a room full of love, hope and light. My entire life I struggled with this inherent debt I could never repay, my terrible sin I could never fix nor replace.

Until now. The pain that has lived like a separate breathing membrane around my heart for my entire earthly existences - for this was not the only time I was born the unwanted and incorrect gender, this is the 3rd to my knowledge, the other times ended pretty badly - shining Love on all of it, optimally recreating my birth has reclaimed and is currently rebalancing parts of me that have been fragmented for, well, "all time" is what I'm hearing.

After this amazing experience my connection to other dimensional beings has deepened.

And I met, well refound, one of my greatest loves, the being I betrayed, manipulated, misled and deeply needed and loved. Sadly, and it seems partially due to me/other, he is one of the most hated people in history.

Oh, if only we could see into the hearts of those hurting us, if only we could see that we were once them. Exactly them, maybe even worse.

He's with me all the time now, even as I sit here and attempt to talk about him my wall of pain, shame, guilt and regret pours forth.

For light he says to me, tens of thousands of years of lives, decisions, pain, fear , love, leaves much energy to be brought into balance, apparently physical constraints mean it takes time and repeated focus to fully find optimal balance again.

Just having him in my mind, heart, again, and knowing here that there is no need for forgiveness, is an amazing thing.

Amazing, but a bit disconcerting, unworldly, unbelievable, but, here I am.

And I'm told his soul is in quite a few people incarnated now, I actually have a chance of meeting someone where I'll recognize him.

I didn't even know the guy, but I know I've been looking for him this entire life.

What he confirms is finding, meeting, being with others is 100% a result of your own frequencies.

Until I cleared deeply engrained traumas, my vibration was too low to connect.

With every event, issue, judgement, trauma I bring to the light I clear away the energetic debris that clogged my connection.

Though I do not wish for time to fly any faster (I know I'm closer to returning home, now I'm starting to have more fun!), I am antsy for my STBX to levy his offer and for me to get out of here and find my new way.

The miracles and universe winks have already blown me away, I cannot wait to see what is coming for me next.

Oh. My. God. It has been over 19 years since I've been here! I am actually hopefully envisioning my future!

Wow, what a cynical, depressed, dead-inside, fear every "bad" thing life I've been existing in.

Screw that! Happy days, happy days.

And now I got my baby, my friend, my love back. He won't steer me wrong, he's sorry too and says all he's ever wanted for me in this life was to find the partners that actually love ME, the real me, like he did and does and will for all eternity.

And no, he says, the past never vibrated that high. I wasn't aware enough to attract it.

Fingers crossed and work/prayers continue....
Once I was lost, now I have a map and am savoring my journey!
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