I think I may have figured out why I find it so hard to focus during meditation walks

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I was going for a meditation walk today and having a very hard time of it. My mind wanted to think about issues I have, and "What do I want in life?" and "Why do I want that?" and all kinds of questions that distract me from just simply being in the moment and mindfully experiencing the present. So I stopped and thought to myself about that for a second and it occurred to me that if I were present, I would have to accept the present not only as it is, but as it unfolds. And I think there's a piece of me that wants to feel in control and doesn't trust the universe to just give me whatever experience it will, because I've had so many painful experiences in the past. So I go into my mind and I plan out the future, or try to figure out what I want, or I fantasize or things like that. So I can feel safe and in control. I have a hard time of letting go of control, just trusting the universe and enjoying the present as it unfolds.

And then there's a piece of me which cannot accept the now as it is. A piece of me that feels something is always LACKING from the present, making it not good enough. That's another critical part of what keeps me from being in the moment. My unwillingness to accept things just as they are. There's always more I want in my life. More I want in myself. More I want out of my day. More I want in general. And it prevents me from enjoying the present.

I'm not sure what to do about these issues, but now I at least have more awareness of these issues and how they affect my ability to meditate and be present.

[Plenum]

it occurred to me that if I were present, I would have to accept the present not only as it is, but as it unfolds. And I think there's a piece of me that wants to feel in control and doesn't trust the universe to just give me whatever experience it will, because I've had so many painful experiences in the past. So I go into my mind and I plan out the future, or try to figure out what I want, or I fantasize or things like that. So I can feel safe and in control. I have a hard time of letting go of control, just trusting the universe and enjoying the present as it unfolds.

And then there's a piece of me which cannot accept the now as it is. A piece of me that feels something is always LACKING from the present, making it not good enough. That's another critical part of what keeps me from being in the moment. My unwillingness to accept things just as they are. There's always more I want in my life. More I want in myself. More I want out of my day. More I want in general. And it prevents me from enjoying the present.

Hmm.  I would say that you are trying to aim too high.

You can only be 'present' to the degree that you understand what is being witnessed.

This occurs in progressive stages - not as a single 'before enlightenment/after enlightenment' experience.

Think of Ra's description of the kundalini.  This is the meeting point of the personal, and the universal.

The reason why there are 7 densities, which amount to BILLIONS of years of a soul's Journey, is to gain progressive attitudes of comprehension/acceptance.

The kundalini point is moved upwards, one experience at a time: not from root level, to finishing a movie - without having experienced the movie itself (of Creation).

The way you describe acceptance/control is also flawed (imo).

Free Will is like getting behind the wheel of a car.  Who is driving the car?  It's you.  It's the choices you make.  It's where you want your life to go.  Acceptance is not about taking your hands off the steering wheel, and letting it drive itself.  There's no-one else but you who enacts the action in your Life.

Just because you want a fulfilling, empowered life is not equivalent to CONTROL.  Control is about how you respond to the choices of OTHERS.  Control is controlling THEM.

You also can't make choices (about your life) in isolation from others.  You're not driving in a vacuum, in other words.  There are the roads (social opportunities which others provide), as well as taking care of your car.  These don't occur without the participation of others.

So yeah.  Faulty conceptions lead to faulty outcomes.  That's not so much of an issue, so long as one has means of self-correction, once you find yourself in a difficult spot.

The aspect of 'learning how to learn' can be a big game changer.

G

[RitaJC]

So I was going for a meditation walk today and having a very hard time of it. My mind wanted to think about issues I have, and "What do I want in life?" and "Why do I want that?" and all kinds of questions that distract me from just simply being in the moment and mindfully experiencing the present. So I stopped and thought to myself about that for a second and it occurred to me that if I were present, I would have to accept the present not only as it is, but as it unfolds. And I think there's a piece of me that wants to feel in control and doesn't trust the universe to just give me whatever experience it will, because I've had so many painful experiences in the past. So I go into my mind and I plan out the future, or try to figure out what I want, or I fantasize or things like that. So I can feel safe and in control. I have a hard time of letting go of control, just trusting the universe and enjoying the present as it unfolds.

And then there's a piece of me which cannot accept the now as it is. A piece of me that feels something is always LACKING from the present, making it not good enough. That's another critical part of what keeps me from being in the moment. My unwillingness to accept things just as they are. There's always more I want in my life. More I want in myself. More I want out of my day. More I want in general. And it prevents me from enjoying the present.

I'm not sure what to do about these issues, but now I at least have more awareness of these issues and how they affect my ability to meditate and be present.

I am so happy you had these realizations already.

You will find your way but I assure you: you are on the right path

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks guys.

I'm glad to be making progress, and thank you Plenum for your input. I appreciate you correcting some of my misconceptions. Glad to know some of this pondering of what I want has a purpose.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I have come to start thinking... maybe I have a hard time focusing because a piece of me is resisting full presence, because it doesn't want to process all the negative emotions I might find myself sitting with or in the case of a meditation walk, walking with. Maybe a piece of me doesn't want to meditate? Maybe there's a subconscious resistance to anything that might result in me processing my pain and trauma.

[RitaJC]

I have come to start thinking... maybe I have a hard time focusing because a piece of me is resisting full presence, because it doesn't want to process all the negative emotions I might find myself sitting with or in the case of a meditation walk, walking with. Maybe a piece of me doesn't want to meditate? Maybe there's a subconscious resistance to anything that might result in me processing my pain and trauma.

I believe that is usually the case.

Only none of that is really you.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm also having a hard time getting myself to do these basic things in the first place. Probably for the same reason. All's I know is, I have a problem. I feel like I cripple myself. Like I subconsciously resist doing anything that might forward my life. I can't get away from my computer for very long.I don't know why I'm so resistant. I swear there's more to it than just laziness. There's... addiction. And a need to escape. A need to keep myself distracted. I can't explain it. Maybe Agua's theory about prenatal trauma explains it. He said my inner infant is afraid of losing connection, afraid of being fully present and, while he didn't say this outright, I think a piece of me is afraid to "leave the womb" so-to-speak. When I was an born, I had to be born by C-Section because I just REFUSED To come out. I think maybe I DID face some prenatal trauma and this part of me that procrastinates all day in front of a computer screen is that piece of me not wanting to leave the safety of the womb, or in this case, my comfort zone. There might be more to it than that, and yet maybe it's something else entirely. Who knows? Anyway, I'm tired so I'm gonna leave it be for now.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Rita, I have only just now found your post. I don't know how I missed it the first time, but I'ma watch your video. Thanks for posting.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I also notice that when I spend my time on the computer, it's to talk on forums or chatrooms, or to watch Youtube videos. The videos I tend to watch largely have a tendency to fill the hole created by loneliness. I then remember those videos about addiction that talk about "Rat Park" where the rats barely touched the drugged water because they had so many fellow rats to play with and socialize with. The opposite of addiction is connection, right? And I don't feel very connected. I need to establish my own personal "Rat Park" for myself, but I don't know how...

[Aion]

I would propose that it's not that you're not focusing, because you are, but what is the result of your focus?

Focus is everything. If you can focus your mind you have mastered the biggest obstacle in directing your life where you want it to be.

See, when you think in this way, you think from the outside in. When you focus on what you are dreaming, you put yourself in it, and you think from the inside out.

What you have are desires. You have not accepted that you have desires. Thus there appears to be a gap.

Desires are not evil, even if they are illusory, but they actually are the 'way through'.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I think I see what you're saying. I guess my issue is I don't know how to fulfill those desires. My desire for connection for example. I've been told that's just a traumatized part of me thinking it needs a connection and that that's an illusion, but I think of the Rat Park thing and I think of how humanity is, and I get the feeling that needing connection is part of the human condition. But what could I do to meet that need and fulfill those desires, you know?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

What do you recommend I do about my desires?

[Aion]

Humans are a social species. There have been numerous studies which have shown that the most detrimental thing for children is a lack of touch, lack of connection.

There are genuine human desires there which are a part of your biology. Your physiological needs aren't just physical like food and water but also emotional and mental, there needs to be feeding and stimulation on all levels for health. That's why 'professional cuddling' has become a thing. There's this idea of 'rugged individualism' which is dominated western industrial society for more than the past century. This idea of 'individuation' became a core idea of the movement of individualism over the last century. However, I think it has been taken too far. We have individuated so much we have lost our connection.

As for how to fulfill those desires, you really gotta be honest with yourself with what it is your want. Do you need to meet survival needs? Are you looking for companionship? Friendship? Sexuality? Becoming clear and honest with yourself about what you actually want is a good first step.

Are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Might be worth looking at.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I guess what I need is Love/Belonging in the pyramid.I want more deep, intimate connections with close friends and I want a GF. Right now, I'm not doing very good on either front. And I'm not sure how to improve my situation either. Feels like I'm just waiting for certain things to happen: Waiting for Learning Academies to line me up with work as a teacher's assistant, waiting to be able to afford this powerful subliminal I think will help me, waiting to be able to finish my schooling so I can teach English abroad, etc. Lots of waiting, but I don't know what I can do now. I tried Meetup.com. That didn't work. I tried various apps on my phone and they didn't work. I can't really network through my friends because my social circle's getting smaller rather than larger. My ex-friend won't accept my apologies and be my friend again. Nothing I try seems to work.

[Aion]

Well do you have any hobbies? Are there any community events you can go to? My point here is that really in adulthood it's harder to make connections with people unless you're approaching on some common ground.

Lets look at that desire deeper though. When you say 'deep, intimate connection', what do you mean by that?

For me, when I find I am caught up on a desire that is unfulfilled and there seems to be no way to fulfill it I usually just think I need to take a different direction. That is, maybe there is some other desire closer to the bottom of the pyramid which is actually needing more attention. Sometimes what we want in our most surface desires isn't really what we most need.

I think what a lot of people need is patience.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm safe and I have my physiological needs met. Where I'm really hurting is the social/love part. When I say "Deep, intimate connections" I mean I mean friendships where I connect with my friends on a deep and intimate level, like I did with my ex-friend. I went to a community event with some neighbours a bit ago. It was a free concert held at my college. We left just when I was starting to like the music they were playing because my neighbours don't like hip hop. Personally, I didn't care for the U2 inspired college indie rock sound of the first band we saw, but whatever that's just me.

[Aion]

I'm safe and I have my physiological needs met. Where I'm really hurting is the social/love part. When I say "Deep, intimate connections" I mean I mean friendships where I connect with my friends on a deep and intimate level, like I did with my ex-friend. I went to a community event with some neighbours a bit ago. It was a free concert held at my college. We left just when I was starting to like the music they were playing because my neighbours don't like hip hop. Personally, I didn't care for the U2 inspired college indie rock sound of the first band we saw, but whatever that's just me.

Is that ex-friend the only friend you would say you've experienced this with? I ask just because I wonder if you're just trying to recreate an old feeling?

True it's hard to please everyone when it comes to social situations.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm safe and I have my physiological needs met. Where I'm really hurting is the social/love part. When I say "Deep, intimate connections" I mean I mean friendships where I connect with my friends on a deep and intimate level, like I did with my ex-friend. I went to a community event with some neighbours a bit ago. It was a free concert held at my college. We left just when I was starting to like the music they were playing because my neighbours don't like hip hop. Personally, I didn't care for the U2 inspired college indie rock sound of the first band we saw, but whatever that's just me.

Is that ex-friend the only friend you would say you've experienced this with? I ask just because I wonder if you're just trying to recreate an old feeling?

True it's hard to please everyone when it comes to social situations.

I have a couple friends from high school and I've had a close relationship with one of them, but it's grown much more distant over the past few years. And he doesn't quite get me anymore, as I've changed a lot. And there were always issues in the past. Yeah, my ex-friend is the only friend I've experienced that degree of intimacy and closeness with and I am looking to recreate what I had with that friend. I don't think there's anything wrong with that though. What I had in that sense was good. There were other issues though, but I don't intend to make the same mistakes again.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Rita I have watched your video. Thanks for sharing it. A piece of me sees how to apply this to my life. I remember when I was at a German beerhall with my friends, I was looking at my beer and I would always think of it as "bready" or just "beer" when I looked at it before taking a drink. Maybe I should have just taken it as it was without identifying it at all, in order to have true experience of the beer I was drinking?

[Aion]

I'm safe and I have my physiological needs met. Where I'm really hurting is the social/love part. When I say "Deep, intimate connections" I mean I mean friendships where I connect with my friends on a deep and intimate level, like I did with my ex-friend. I went to a community event with some neighbours a bit ago. It was a free concert held at my college. We left just when I was starting to like the music they were playing because my neighbours don't like hip hop. Personally, I didn't care for the U2 inspired college indie rock sound of the first band we saw, but whatever that's just me.

Is that ex-friend the only friend you would say you've experienced this with? I ask just because I wonder if you're just trying to recreate an old feeling?

True it's hard to please everyone when it comes to social situations.

I have a couple friends from high school and I've had a close relationship with one of them, but it's grown much more distant over the past few years. And he doesn't quite get me anymore, as I've changed a lot. And there were always issues in the past. Yeah, my ex-friend is the only friend I've experienced that degree of intimacy and closeness with and I am looking to recreate what I had with that friend. I don't think there's anything wrong with that though. What I had in that sense was good. There were other issues though, but I don't intend to make the same mistakes again.

This brings to mind this bit in the Law of One.

Ra: I am Ra. To attempt to reproduce an initiatory experience is to move, shall we say, backwards

No, it's not 'wrong' to try and get back what once was, but is it working against yourself? Focus is something that I think about a lot. I think it is the fulcrum of reality.

Do you think it's possible that being caught up on how you think it's 'supposed' to feel or how you want it to feel might close you off from the possibility of new experiences?

I'll be honest, to my eyes I see you walking backwards. You want to move forward and you say you want to, and in a manner you are but your eyes are always glancing back. Again, not wrong, but at a point you are only torturing yourself.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Well, I don't really like living my life without closeness or intimacy, now that I know what it feels like to have that in my life. And besides, I'm still just plain lonely. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have, I rarely see or hang out with. I don't want solitude right now. I don't like being lonely. I don't like spending most of my time alone. I don't like having few friends and none who really get me. Imagine if she were my only friend and I wanted to recreate the feeling of having friends. Would that be "moving backward" to want to have a friend again?

[Aion]

I can understand that and that makes sense. I have made most of my friends either through music or work, so I'm not exactly one to talk as a social butterfly. I really only have a handful of really good friends and only a couple I see regularly. However, it takes time to build friendships. You need to get through the 'acquaintance' period and it can be pretty difficult to meet new people who are on the same wavelength. It's also hard seeing distance. Some of my old friends it's hard to accept that I am an 'old' friend now.

[Aion]

I don't think it's moving backwards at all to want to have friends again. Notice that even if you're walking backwards you're still technically moving forward, but your eyes are on the past.

I guess my general message is along the lines of releasing expectation as to the experience. Do you actually want to get to know people or do you just want to have a feeling? Do you find yourself interested in people?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I don't know. I guess, both?

[Aion]

Sorry if I ask a lot of questions aha I like to dig in to the raw material of what we experience.

That answer is just fine, these are just things for food for thought.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

It's fine. Definitely food for thought, I agree. I do miss what I've lost, but I also just want to have close relationships with people my age or younger that I find interesting. I just struggle to find a way to make that happen. My loneliness is my biggest problem lately, it feels like. And I can't figure out how to resolve the issue.

[Aion]

Well it could be that you are lonely in the sense that you need others. You could also be lonely in the sense that you don't enjoy being with yourself.

Do you mind being alone? I'm sure it's more about balance, nobody wants to be totally alone or totally smothered.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yeah I feel there's not much balance to it. My life is mostly spent in hermit mode. Maybe I don't enjoy being with myself, I dunno. But I do feel like I need others to an extent. And like I said, I live my life in hermit mode lately, which I'm sick of.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I think I've come to the realization that the way I'm living now is the way I've always lived. I just have more awareness of it. But I have a hard time changing the way I live. So I feel shitty about it. I want to change the way I live, but any time spent away from the computer leaves me feeling empty and lonely. The computer distracts me from that.

I feel like I've wasted my youth: 10 years barely working at a dead end minimum wage job I hated, not going to college through a good portion of it, spending so much time doing nothing at the computer, just killing time. Mindlessly. And now that time's gone and I can't get it back. I regret how I wasted my twenties. And yet, I can't help but still waste time. I can't stand being aware of how alone I am.

I don't know what to do. Maybe there's no amount of social life I can have that will satisfy me? I don't know.

It feels like I've got layers and layers of issues. It's like I think I've found the root of an issue I'm facing, but then that root has a root, which has a root, which has a root, and I haven't even managed to figure out a good way to deal with the first layer, you know? It feels like more than I can handle, yet I've got no choice but to try.

Trying to clean up my life sometimes feels like trying to clean a filthy crackhouse with s*** smeared all over the walls using nothing but a toothbrush.

[xise]

I know of a lot of people say the 30s are better than the 20s. So keep your head up mate. Even the 40s are pretty awesome per my friends.

Often dissatisfaction in the present is rooted in unresolved things in the past or distortions created in the past.

Yeah, the peeling of an onion is really how deep all this stuff goes, always my own issues fit that analogy. If I hadn't found mediation or at least something as useful as meditation for unraveling that, I'd be lost as hell. Still somewhat am

You sound like you're having breakthrough realizations though, so it definitely seems like you are a faster path back to the Creator.