So new year new lesson.
I’m pretty good at accepting I am all things even the darkest of actions I could be capable of in unconscious/different consciousness and I think it’s been a healing journey to get here. I can see myself in the vilan in movies, I even suddenly understood the biblical plagues the other night watching Exodus: gods and men. I even now get the 10 commandments being an attempt to help vs a willful act of negative infringement. So I thought I was grasping entirety as self. Everything is self in a different context.
However one thing I have struggled with is while I accept otherselves that are harder to understand for me, I have no context of experience for some things so while I don’t judge it I don’t always get how crappy the experience is first person.
Last night I experienced what it is like to live with triggerable anger bubbling under the surface. Some energy attached as a lesson or to keep me from going out. Both I guess.
For 20 minutes straight out of no where I was so agitated I couldn’t fully control it. I would gain composure/balance then lose it again, over and over. It was like every noise/vibration/light/shadow/the cold/ etc was 100 times more intense and I was constantly trying to suppress or manage my reactions to the stimulus.
I am never like that, so much so that my husband and I decided we should turn around because what ever this was it didn’t belong at a New Years party. I wasn’t aware enough in the moment to notice it was not this selfs energy, I kinda thought I was just sick or something as I had a stomachache too. I’ve had anxiety attacks when younger,... this was not that. This was anger not fear, it was so strange to me.
15 minutes after getting home it was like suddenly that energy stepped out of me.
My husband was blaming the supermoon and that one of my friends is having an existential crisis but it didn’t feel like him.
Anyways last night a nonincarnate was pacing back and forth in my room. It woke me up. I haven’t had any of the people show up in my room in almost a year so I’m certain it was not a coincidence but was the fellow who I had experienced the agitation of earlier. Unfortunately I’m not terribly balanced when first awakens so I sort of rudely yelled out “what are you doing in here?” to him when I first awoke to his incessant pacing. Then I couldn’t see him as I was out of theta brain state.
Opportunity lost as he clearly was still agitated and I might have been able to help or learn further. Anyways not sure why I’m typing this except to share.
I had never experienced this anger issue and while I always new it came from pain so empathized I really had NO consept about how it was to live like that. Great teaching and I appreciated it, I sure hope that energy has found some rest in the last few hours. What a trying experience, now when I meet someone who just seems to be lashing out at all times I will have better reference in regard to how hard every moment is being them and be better able to not take any of it personally.
I’m pretty good at accepting I am all things even the darkest of actions I could be capable of in unconscious/different consciousness and I think it’s been a healing journey to get here. I can see myself in the vilan in movies, I even suddenly understood the biblical plagues the other night watching Exodus: gods and men. I even now get the 10 commandments being an attempt to help vs a willful act of negative infringement. So I thought I was grasping entirety as self. Everything is self in a different context.
However one thing I have struggled with is while I accept otherselves that are harder to understand for me, I have no context of experience for some things so while I don’t judge it I don’t always get how crappy the experience is first person.
Last night I experienced what it is like to live with triggerable anger bubbling under the surface. Some energy attached as a lesson or to keep me from going out. Both I guess.
For 20 minutes straight out of no where I was so agitated I couldn’t fully control it. I would gain composure/balance then lose it again, over and over. It was like every noise/vibration/light/shadow/the cold/ etc was 100 times more intense and I was constantly trying to suppress or manage my reactions to the stimulus.
I am never like that, so much so that my husband and I decided we should turn around because what ever this was it didn’t belong at a New Years party. I wasn’t aware enough in the moment to notice it was not this selfs energy, I kinda thought I was just sick or something as I had a stomachache too. I’ve had anxiety attacks when younger,... this was not that. This was anger not fear, it was so strange to me.
15 minutes after getting home it was like suddenly that energy stepped out of me.
My husband was blaming the supermoon and that one of my friends is having an existential crisis but it didn’t feel like him.
Anyways last night a nonincarnate was pacing back and forth in my room. It woke me up. I haven’t had any of the people show up in my room in almost a year so I’m certain it was not a coincidence but was the fellow who I had experienced the agitation of earlier. Unfortunately I’m not terribly balanced when first awakens so I sort of rudely yelled out “what are you doing in here?” to him when I first awoke to his incessant pacing. Then I couldn’t see him as I was out of theta brain state.
Opportunity lost as he clearly was still agitated and I might have been able to help or learn further. Anyways not sure why I’m typing this except to share.
I had never experienced this anger issue and while I always new it came from pain so empathized I really had NO consept about how it was to live like that. Great teaching and I appreciated it, I sure hope that energy has found some rest in the last few hours. What a trying experience, now when I meet someone who just seems to be lashing out at all times I will have better reference in regard to how hard every moment is being them and be better able to not take any of it personally.