06-27-2017, 05:20 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-28-2017, 06:56 AM by third-density-being.)
There’s no place but this Forum, where I can express myself. My thoughts and here.
I do not know what is peace. Inner peace. I live in constant struggle within Self regarding Other-Selves. Recently it became so strong, I almost cannot feel or think about anything else. Overpowering, massive, “it” is “all” within me so often these days, that I don’t know anymore where it all will lead me. I feel like I’m loosing myself badly and I’m weeks away from breaking somehow. I don’t even know how – by hurting Other-Selves, hurting Self or simply to withdraw from everything and everyone even more, than I already have. Oh, and I have done this so efficiently that there are only few close People to me – People who still accepts me and Who I, somehow, “left within Self”.
I believe (consciously used symbol/word) that I am a Soul Experiencing Self as a Creature and there’s no day passing by without me questioning my presence here, within this reality, whole reincarnational system even, called “Our Octave”. So many times I’ve promised Self that when only I die, I will never come back. No matter what.
I feel sometimes anger for – as I reduce this Knowledge to – an extension of vast and incomprehensible Being/Entity which does not count in the long run. I deeply hope that I will be able to maintain my anger and repulsiveness toward Other-Selves after I die. To somehow refuse to merge with greater portion Self and being reduced to “experience based reflection”.
Even thought I became clearly aware of all this I also know that I will not change. Not now. I do not know how. I find within Self … small interest to do that.
I am always polite and well mannered. I was raised like that and I try to maintain it, as I think it is important to offer/preserve respect of Other-Selves. But within my thoughts I am not polite nor well mannered. I’m cruel, vulgar and primitive. I’m ashamed of that. Deeply sometimes. And sometimes not. Yet, I’m never proud of it. Not even close to that state of Self.
Between me and You, there’s a wall I’m building with my words. I build well. And show You with my wall different Self. Self I don’t even know. Self I don’t want to experience. Awful Creature I do not like. I am waiting for my death. Impatiently, looking forward it, hoping for it to come sooner than later.
I cannot kill myself. I would have to than relive this hell, this beautiful pain, those endless days with repetitive content. I truly see no point in my existence. With what I know now, I am irritated at best with this existence. Why would I want to experience Self as this Creature?
I’m devastated with all this. Deeply. I guess Knowledge-Bringers were conscious that some of Us react like that. Acceptable cost. I understand and am grateful. Because I know.
Yes, I wrote before that I “believe”, but I think more precise symbol/word is “to know”. Within Self, with utmost certainty, beyond any doubt. Because I also Feel all this and in this matter, for once, my Mind and Body agrees completely.
Mind may do many different things with Self, but there’s always a point, at which Body will intervene with such momentum, that Mind will have to reconfigure to some degree.
Mind-Self is always different from Mind-Self-Other-Self. Even the very same content – to think of a/imagining a meeting and emotions, and to experience it.
I find content of my Mind more important that what is going on “out side”, about me, out side of my Mind/Body (Soul is not available at this time).
Consciousness is represented and led by the Mind. In the end, when material vehicle will cease to function, content of the Mind will be that, which will be couched by the Soul until reached Greater Self (portion of Self that cannot be expressed together with Our “current Self”. This reality cannot handle Us in full. I see myself as “fluid greater Self” offering each part of Self to express “here and now” in time.
This is irritating sometimes as well – Greater Self have already expressed Self and Knows. Only We don’t due to the “time rule” of this existence/reality. Focused portion of Self here and now do not know. Led by the Mind which must think that he does. It is required to think that to function. That’s how it all starts. Seekings of beyond that leads to unexpected attitudes and reactions. To changes that may result in gradual withdrawing Consciousness from the Body, from this reality. With enough focus and dedication, I believe One can die from Body failure. When enough time will pass with such dramatic state of Self.
I just observed carefully my hand for a while and this it totally crazy. I am a freaking Creature! Why in the… I would want that? To learn what is like to feel pain? Well, mission accomplished, we can go. Just say when. Seriously, common, don’t keep me waiting.
At some point I felt it all. I could seriously leave now.
I am disappointed with Self. Unspeakably. There’s no point in prolonging this.
OK, One can argue that for Other-Selves. I cannot see it, but impact I have on Other-Selves is needed. Even if it is diminishing for me, less than respectful, it is important to endure for Them. Whatever was/is/will be changed within Their lives by my influence, is needed. Maybe it’s something that will help Them to become more? – whatever that may mean.
I hate that argument. There’s nothing that Mind can offer as contra. None. What? “So what?” Too childish for Him. “Who cares?” I do. And I cannot lie to Self about it any longer.
I don’t want “this” but I want for Other-Selves to succeed. Very much. Unspeakably.
I am truly not from here. Not even close.
I do not know what is peace. Inner peace. I live in constant struggle within Self regarding Other-Selves. Recently it became so strong, I almost cannot feel or think about anything else. Overpowering, massive, “it” is “all” within me so often these days, that I don’t know anymore where it all will lead me. I feel like I’m loosing myself badly and I’m weeks away from breaking somehow. I don’t even know how – by hurting Other-Selves, hurting Self or simply to withdraw from everything and everyone even more, than I already have. Oh, and I have done this so efficiently that there are only few close People to me – People who still accepts me and Who I, somehow, “left within Self”.
I believe (consciously used symbol/word) that I am a Soul Experiencing Self as a Creature and there’s no day passing by without me questioning my presence here, within this reality, whole reincarnational system even, called “Our Octave”. So many times I’ve promised Self that when only I die, I will never come back. No matter what.
I feel sometimes anger for – as I reduce this Knowledge to – an extension of vast and incomprehensible Being/Entity which does not count in the long run. I deeply hope that I will be able to maintain my anger and repulsiveness toward Other-Selves after I die. To somehow refuse to merge with greater portion Self and being reduced to “experience based reflection”.
Even thought I became clearly aware of all this I also know that I will not change. Not now. I do not know how. I find within Self … small interest to do that.
I am always polite and well mannered. I was raised like that and I try to maintain it, as I think it is important to offer/preserve respect of Other-Selves. But within my thoughts I am not polite nor well mannered. I’m cruel, vulgar and primitive. I’m ashamed of that. Deeply sometimes. And sometimes not. Yet, I’m never proud of it. Not even close to that state of Self.
Between me and You, there’s a wall I’m building with my words. I build well. And show You with my wall different Self. Self I don’t even know. Self I don’t want to experience. Awful Creature I do not like. I am waiting for my death. Impatiently, looking forward it, hoping for it to come sooner than later.
I cannot kill myself. I would have to than relive this hell, this beautiful pain, those endless days with repetitive content. I truly see no point in my existence. With what I know now, I am irritated at best with this existence. Why would I want to experience Self as this Creature?
I’m devastated with all this. Deeply. I guess Knowledge-Bringers were conscious that some of Us react like that. Acceptable cost. I understand and am grateful. Because I know.
Yes, I wrote before that I “believe”, but I think more precise symbol/word is “to know”. Within Self, with utmost certainty, beyond any doubt. Because I also Feel all this and in this matter, for once, my Mind and Body agrees completely.
Mind may do many different things with Self, but there’s always a point, at which Body will intervene with such momentum, that Mind will have to reconfigure to some degree.
Mind-Self is always different from Mind-Self-Other-Self. Even the very same content – to think of a/imagining a meeting and emotions, and to experience it.
I find content of my Mind more important that what is going on “out side”, about me, out side of my Mind/Body (Soul is not available at this time).
Consciousness is represented and led by the Mind. In the end, when material vehicle will cease to function, content of the Mind will be that, which will be couched by the Soul until reached Greater Self (portion of Self that cannot be expressed together with Our “current Self”. This reality cannot handle Us in full. I see myself as “fluid greater Self” offering each part of Self to express “here and now” in time.
This is irritating sometimes as well – Greater Self have already expressed Self and Knows. Only We don’t due to the “time rule” of this existence/reality. Focused portion of Self here and now do not know. Led by the Mind which must think that he does. It is required to think that to function. That’s how it all starts. Seekings of beyond that leads to unexpected attitudes and reactions. To changes that may result in gradual withdrawing Consciousness from the Body, from this reality. With enough focus and dedication, I believe One can die from Body failure. When enough time will pass with such dramatic state of Self.
I just observed carefully my hand for a while and this it totally crazy. I am a freaking Creature! Why in the… I would want that? To learn what is like to feel pain? Well, mission accomplished, we can go. Just say when. Seriously, common, don’t keep me waiting.
At some point I felt it all. I could seriously leave now.
I am disappointed with Self. Unspeakably. There’s no point in prolonging this.
OK, One can argue that for Other-Selves. I cannot see it, but impact I have on Other-Selves is needed. Even if it is diminishing for me, less than respectful, it is important to endure for Them. Whatever was/is/will be changed within Their lives by my influence, is needed. Maybe it’s something that will help Them to become more? – whatever that may mean.
I hate that argument. There’s nothing that Mind can offer as contra. None. What? “So what?” Too childish for Him. “Who cares?” I do. And I cannot lie to Self about it any longer.
I don’t want “this” but I want for Other-Selves to succeed. Very much. Unspeakably.
I am truly not from here. Not even close.
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