Help? - SRA, negative entities, intelligent infinity, advanced entities

[Mahakali]

I was able to access intelligent infinity from a young age.

Now, my body, mind, and soul are being attacked. Both by "negative" entities and "positive" ones.

I feel like the positive entities feel like I'm evil, and don't trust me with it.

The negative ones are just a*******.

And there's no denying that I'm one sick f***, but if I want to get better, I have to go through all the horror in my head. And there is a lot of it. I need full access to my mind, soul, intelligent infinity.

I've read that access to intelligent infinity is controlled by "advanced entities".

Deep down, I'm a nice guy. I've definitely done some evil deeds, but I'm sorry for certain things, and would like to make restitution for them.

I can understand why certain entities intervened in my actions, because I was demon possessed and would have killed innocent people if there had been no intervention. In some cases, I'm glad that I was stopped. One time, I was on a bunch of drugs and ended up stabbing some guy because he was making fun of me. Would have killed him if something hadn't stopped it. Other things like that, too.

That said, I can't just sit down and take "punishment" or live in an etheric prison. I want to go up. I crave it, and I feel that if I really want it, really try hard enough, really willpower through it, I can get there...

My life has been awful, my suffering infinite, and I don't see why I should suffer more. Nothing scares me. I don't feel pain, at least not the way that most people do. It's just a sensation; it's all pain. Everything hurts. Existing hurts terribly.

I don't think I, or anyone else, should suffer from what the creator does to the creator. If I was in charge, I'd hand out intelligent infinity like candy to everyone - thus making everyone powerful and everyone safe.

In that sense, I'm STO. I'd rather radiate than suck. I'd rather live in a society where everyone is free, privacy is a social norm, and knowledge is shared to allow each and every person to do their True Will.

On the other hand, my vibes are not positive. I love depression, hatred, lulz.

But I don't care to interact with other people. I just want my own little bubble where I can work out all the trauma I'm dealing with. I don't want to interact with other-selves except as a way to intensify knowledge. And if I have intelligent infinity, there is no reason to harm or control others, because I can just create whatever reality I want, without conscious other-selves.

I don't see what's wrong with this. I'm not pro-totalitarianism, and I won't bow down to a system that just wants to make me feel bad and keep me locked in cycles of reincarnation.

I'm going for it. I need my mind, heart, soul, intelligent infinity, in order to get better. There's a LOT of trauma and negative karmic attachments that need to be transmuted. If that doesn't happen, I'm going straight to the Pit

But I'm confused about why the "advanced entities" are keeping me away from intelligent infinity? They might be an obstacle, but, if I have to, I'm going to go through them. Anything is possible, and I crave spiritual development more than anything at all.

Could anyone help me out? I need to break free of this etheric prison and restore my god-given abilities. I'll do anything to accomplish this goal. I refuse to live like this. I can't take it anymore. I can't be a part of that world. I can't be what they are trying to make me. I need to transmute.

And anything is possible. Everything is made of the same basic substance. Even if my body is damaged, the information to fix it exists. It's just a chaotic, holographic mass of particles held together by the time dimension...

[AnthroHeart]

You are not the same person you were even 2 seconds ago. That "past" is an illusion, and is not who you are now. So why try to make restitution for something someone else did?

The trauma is real because you're holding onto something that does not define who you are right now. Try focusing on the words "I AM", and leave all thoughts behind. Do that for like 2-5 seconds throughout the day.

I don't believe time holds our particles together. Time ultimately is an illusion.

Just remember, there truly is only one of us here. There is only one being.

[anagogy]

But  I'm confused about why the "advanced entities" are keeping me away from intelligent infinity? They might be an obstacle, but, if I have to, I'm going to go through them. Anything is possible, and I crave spiritual development more than anything at all.

Could anyone help me out? I need to break free of this etheric prison and restore my god-given abilities. I'll do anything to accomplish this goal. I refuse to live like this. I can't take it anymore. I can't be a part of that world. I can't be what they are trying to make me. I need to transmute.

And anything is possible. Everything is made of the same basic substance. Even if my body is damaged, the information to fix it exists. It's just a chaotic, holographic mass of particles held together by the time dimension...

In my humble opinion, there are no advanced entities keeping us from intelligent infinity. We create our own limitations prior to incarnation. For whatever reason, the limitations we place on ourselves are designed to help us grow spiritually. Unfortunately those lessons can often be painful. But they don't have to be. Pain is always telling us something. Just like when you accidentally touch a hot stove, the pain is saying "what you are doing right now is destructive to some part of you." If there was no contrast between aversive and attractive, life wouldn't be painful, but there would be no spiritual growth.

The only advice I can give you is try to see what the pain is pointing at. And alter your behavior accordingly. There are many types of pain: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. They are all telling you something about what you are doing and whether that something is aiding evolution or impeding it.

I know at times it can seem near impossible, but all we can do is make a modest attempt to not become frustrated, but rather instead, become fascinated. Only curiosity, which is a sincere desire to know and understand, can lead us through the maze of life.

Best of luck on your journey, friend.

[APeacefulWarrior]

Hmm...  A couple things.  First, if there are entities which are actively and deliberately blocking you from intelligent infinity, I would have my doubts that they're truly positive.  Remember, free will is held to be of paramount importance by those of the positive polarity.  Additionally, advanced positive entities of 5D+ have the wisdom to understand the necessity in lower densities of having negative entities doing negative things, specifically because those deeds then create opportunities for others of positive polarity to do service.  I don't see why they'd interfere, even if you were fundamentally negative.

(And remember, "evil" is a wholly relative incarnative concept which doesn't exist in any objective\higher sense.)

So - understanding that I'm spitballing here - I would tend to think that if there are those blocking you, who you believe to be positive, they are actually negatively-oriented and in essence playing a "good cop/bad cop" game along with the a**hole entities.

Otherwise, though, without getting too psychological I would suggest that YOU may be doing more to block yourself than anything else.  From your description, it sounds like you're really in conflict with yourself both spiritually and emotionally. Being in such a state would create inherent barriers to any progress towards intelligent infinity.  I know it's trite advice, but I really would suggest spending time in meditation trying to calm your mind, seeking objective knowledge of self, and thereby getting a handle on who\what you "really" are in this current slice of spacetime.

Whether you are ultimately positive or negative underneath, you will be happier and more successful in life by understanding\embracing\accepting yourself as you are, rather than fighting to be something you are not.  And if that understanding causes you to decide you desire change in yourself, that change is ONLY possible if you have real understanding of yourself to begin with.

[Minyatur]

Otherwise, though, without getting too psychological I would suggest that YOU may be doing more to block yourself than anything else.

I think it is always that, always just a play of conscious/unconscious in which you need to unveil why you unconsciously resist something or attract something.

[Aion]

I don't think there is anything anyone here can say which will help you. It appears to me you suffer from some intense cognitive dissonance and it is likely beyond the powers of any individual here to aid that directly.

There are any number of things I could suggest but it seems that at the root of it you are tormented by your desires and the 'taboo' they are met with in society, in which case it seems you wish to transcend any limitation of social need. Drugs, extreme asceticism, traumatic ritual practices, I think these all emerge from a desire to 'be free' in some fashion, to be able to realize one's desires without limitation. To be sure it is a lofty goal and ideal, but is rather difficult to work out in reality.

By what you have said here it seems you don't have much regard for other life forms insofar as they are not interfering and so while you profess a desire for all to have freedom, there is some fine print there saying 'as long as they are strong enough' in which case your intentions turn back to yourself. That being said, I can commend that you do not wish for anyone to suffer, but that seems contradictory to your own professed actions and desires/interests (hence the cognitive dissonance).

May I ask, do you feel powerless at times? If so, the desire to see a 'stronger' world may be a reflection of that need or desire to feel more power or control over your own freedom. The question though is whether it is really just about other people?

You professed to have been on drugs and stabbed someone because they made fun of you and claim you really have no need for people. Yet, you come here asking for help reaching intelligent infinity and act as though the fact that you would 'hand it out like candy' somehow makes your intentions benevolent.

To be frank, why should anyone help you if you have no concern for anyone else? If you ask me, this is why the universe seems to 'conspire' to keep you from touching intelligent energy directly. You can certainly attempt to go about it the hard way, fighting, kicking and screaming and you might, just might make it through without losing your mind, but I will also happily inform you that there is likely a much easier way, but you would probably never want to hear that suggestion because it means taking control over the one thing you most wish to be free - yourself. Blessings, mate.

[Mahakali]

stuff

My "desires" are usually only desires because they're taboo... I generally take care to be engaging in anti-social activities at any given time, and not because I necessarily truly desire my "desires". I don't care what anybody else thinks, and the more that my behavior disgusts them, the more it offends the order of this universe, the better, because the more it distances me from this place.

If I had my real desire, which is to fuse myself with intelligent infinity, I wouldn't have or require the same desires anymore. I feel like even when I desire to do extreme things, like rape or mass murder, it's more out of a feeling of duty that I should rebel against this place. As well as petty revenge against this universe.

So, you (and most people, I think) misunderstand my intentions entirely. When I do certain things, or seem attracted to certain behaviors, it's because I desire to be abominable, totally repulsive to the fabric of this reality. Anything that is considered "negative" by society is something that I naturally latch on to, to the point where negative entities don't like me because, deep down, I'm so utterly without, and against, order.

Because I fucking HATE it here.

If I had my way, I'd probably become something else entirely...

"Stronger world"? I never said that. I don't care what happens to this world. Or its people. I just want to leave this place.

No, maybe I don't have much regard for other people. I did, but then I realized what this world was like, and that it was more efficient to be evil.

I don't think there is a higher benevolence than allowing everyone to reach limitlessness, is there?

How is it so difficult to work out? It's definitely possible. If magick is just taking control of the auric field to the point where you can cause it to encompass other things, and there are adepts who can transmute their bodies entirely or even modify their internal organs to feed on light... then, why not?

You mean, others taking control of it, or me taking control of myself? The latter is all I want, you know. And, sure, I'll fight and kick and scream to achieve it, if it's my only option.

Whether you are ultimately positive or negative underneath, you will be happier and more successful in life by understanding\embracing\accepting yourself as you are, rather than fighting to be something you are not. And if that understanding causes you to decide you desire change in yourself, that change is ONLY possible if you have real understanding of yourself to begin with.

You might be right... but I try so hard to be a positive person. Maybe it doesn't seem like much, but it keeps a monster at bay. Should I let the monster out?

I know the answer I'll get to a question like that on a forum like this. But... maybe something Down There would give me the assistance that I lack up here, and I'd be a lot more content that way, while I'm forced to be here...

[Mahakali]

Anyways, they say that "the greatest sinners are often the greatest saints"...

So doesn't it make sense that my utter hatred, repulsion, disgust for this universe and its inhabitants, is inversely reflected in - perhaps, even required by - my completely and ultimately benevolent desire for all to be free?

It's interesting how STO'S and STS's neither seem to like me very much - maybe I'm something else.

[Aion]

You reap what you sow, I suppose. Also, I do not dislike you. I don't think you are as unusual as you think, personally and when it comes down to it you will always choose your own path.

[Mahakali]

I don't think you are as unusual as you think,

How so? There are lots of people who hate this place and all its inhabitants and seriously want to see it destroyed, as their heart's greatest desire?

Glad to hear it. We should start a gang.

[Minyatur]

Have you considered that the ways you feel simply reflects a need of healing within yourself and that you cling on to your unhealed state?

Also this place clearly isn't the place you want to be in, but could this be the place you needed to be in to effectively work on healing yourself?

I don't think there is a higher benevolence than allowing everyone to reach limitlessness, is there?

How about allowing that which is limitless to experience limitness? I think that limits were your own desire to experience and that what you deem as enemies are probably more benevolant toward yourself than you even are.

[Minyatur]

On a side note, the idea of the destruction of all always had an appealing peacefulness to me.

But this still remains a desire of non-alignment with what you truly are, for one day you can only come to see that all you experienced was always your very own desire to experience.

[Aion]

I don't think you are as unusual as you think,

How so? There are lots of people who hate this place and all its inhabitants and seriously want to see it destroyed, as their heart's greatest desire?

Glad to hear it. We should start a gang.

There have already been groups started, I'm sure you could find them if you really are interested in them. Complete hatred of all that is and a want for utter destruction isn't all that foreign to me, personally. I just got over it.

[Manjushri]

What would happen if you let the monster out?

And

What are you if not STS or STO? The One and only that is perfectly balanced?

[Mahakali]

Have you considered that the ways you feel simply reflects a need of healing within yourself and that you cling on to your unhealed state?

Also this place clearly isn't the place you want to be in, but could this be the place you needed to be in to effectively work on healing yourself?

No. This is exactly the place I need to be if I want to go further into madness. Recent experiences have put me in a position where I have no choice but to become "worse" from a subjective normal human perspective. If "healing" were the goal, the last couple of years would have been very different. If I "chose" these experiences, I chose to immerse myself deeper in madness, hatred, and insanity. Which does sound like me...

How about allowing that which is limitless to experience limitness? I think that limits were your own desire to experience and that what you deem as enemies are probably more benevolant toward yourself than you even are.

Well, I'm done with it, then.

There are ONLY enemies, with very few exceptions (still no friends), and I'll believe that for now because I've seen no evidence to the contrary.

[Mahakali]

What would happen if you let the monster out?

And

What are you if not STS or STO? The One and only that is perfectly balanced?

Don't be an ass, Manjushri. Why are you always making comments like this? Your assumptions stink of a judgmental arrogance that makes my own pale in comparison, and that's saying something. No offense, but could you cut that kind of s*** out?

All I meant is, my goals don't seem to be in line with either orientation, and I thought about that a lot when I first read the Ra material. I don't think that STO or STS are the only ways to exist in an infinite universe, and just because you're not capable of understanding any other concept doesn't mean that I have to limit myself to accompany your lack of imagination.

[Manjushri]

What would happen if you let the monster out?

And

What are you if not STS or STO? The One and only that is perfectly balanced?

Don't be an ass, Manjushri. Why are you always making comments like this? Your assumptions stink of a judgmental arrogance that makes my own pale in comparison, and that's saying something. No offense, but could you cut that kind of s*** out?

All I meant is, my goals don't seem to be in line with either orientation, and I thought about that a lot when I first read the Ra material. I don't think that STO or STS are the only ways to exist in an infinite universe, and just because you're not capable of understanding any other concept doesn't mean that I have to limit myself to accompany your lack of imagination.

Was not my intention. Good luck with your current thing.

[Aion]

Have you considered that the ways you feel simply reflects a need of healing within yourself and that you cling on to your unhealed state?

Also this place clearly isn't the place you want to be in, but could this be the place you needed to be in to effectively work on healing yourself?

No. This is exactly the place I need to be if I want to go further into madness. Recent experiences have put me in a position where I have no choice but to become "worse" from a subjective normal human perspective. If "healing" were the goal, the last couple of years would have been very different. If I "chose" these experiences, I chose to immerse myself deeper in madness, hatred, and insanity. Which does sound like me...

How about allowing that which is limitless to experience limitness? I think that limits were your own desire to experience and that what you deem as enemies are probably more benevolant toward yourself than you even are.

Well, I'm done with it, then.

There are ONLY enemies, with very few exceptions (still no friends), and I'll believe that for now because I've seen no evidence to the contrary.

Well I don't know if you count me as an enemy, but I assure you I do not consider you as such.

[Minyatur]

Have you considered that the ways you feel simply reflects a need of healing within yourself and that you cling on to your unhealed state?

Also this place clearly isn't the place you want to be in, but could this be the place you needed to be in to effectively work on healing yourself?

No. This is exactly the place I need to be if I want to go further into madness. Recent experiences have put me in a position where I have no choice but to become "worse" from a subjective normal human perspective. If "healing" were the goal, the last couple of years would have been very different. If I "chose" these experiences, I chose to immerse myself deeper in madness, hatred, and insanity. Which does sound like me...

Maybe though those experiences were meant to draw things from within your soul that do require to be processed and healed. A life that draws nothing probably can only bring little change to the soul although the 3D life will seem balanced of itself.

How about allowing that which is limitless to experience limitness? I think that limits were your own desire to experience and that what you deem as enemies are probably more benevolant toward yourself than you even are.

Well, I'm done with it, then.

There are ONLY enemies, with very few exceptions (still no friends), and I'll believe that for now because I've seen no evidence to the contrary.

I'm somewhat your opposite, I tend to see all things as friend although I don't like to connect with other-selves much and that some have ill-intent.

[Minyatur]

Your depiction of how you desire to be rejected is exactly how I've been seeing negative entities.

They enter a pithole where they try to be what is unsightful to others, to boost their own rejection of themselves and others and go further down their negative pithole. To leave this pithole requires openness to be loved for everything you are and this is a hurtful process for the negative being. To transmute the darkness into light.

[Mahakali]

Maybe though those experiences were meant to draw things from within your soul that do require to be processed and healed. A life that draws nothing probably can only bring little change to the soul although the 3D life will seem balanced of itself.

Hmm. Well, some negative entities are playing a "game" with me, and we're talking the world-class sort. Compounds guarded by dogs and trained Marines, literal armies, taking over whole police departments, nanotech, Tesla tech, advanced SRA and mind control, worldwide crime networks... the works. And that's not even starting on the occult stuff.

They have the person I care about more than anything... They've already killed friends and family members. Broken my legs with a car. Trying to torture me to death or goad me into killing cops.

They say it's a "game", but I don't think they have any plan to give me a fair chance to win. I've seen them do to other people more or less what they've done to me, and they generally torture someone until the person snaps and tries to attack them, then use that to justify killing them.

Walking away is not an option, after some of the stuff they've done. But I also can't just go running headfirst into a fight with these people. I've seen what happens when somebody tries that. I think they know that I'm unlikely to let this go. So they're planning something for me, probably. And I need to be very careful.

I have an incredibly powerful mind; they told me that themselves. I also have a ruthlessness and lack of grip on reality that just might make winning a possibility - I'm not like most of their prey; I no longer have human fears or moral limitations; I no longer process pain or inhibition the way humans do. What I don't have, is military training, advanced weaponry, or the kind of occult experience that would be necessary to hand-to-hand them. Plus I'm dealing with SRA-related brain damage, DNA hybridization, chemical castration of my neurotransmitters and endocrine glands, and an advanced negative energy working its way through my system that's trying to pop the blood vessels in my eyes and rot my teeth.

Polarizing my soul is my *only* option here, yeah. I polarize enough, I might just be able to make myself a serious nuisance. But I have to be smart and play it safe... this is the worst of the worst of the worst.

Still, "healing" sounds like sort of a lot to hope for in this situation, even if I make it out alive...

[Minyatur]

You can always seek guidance from the Higher Self, afterall it is you that found balance and knows the many possible roads back to itself.

[Mahakali]

You can always seek guidance from the Higher Self, afterall it is you that found balance and knows the many possible roads back to itself.

Absolutely true, but I also have difficulty grabbing onto the necessary faith right this moment. If there's any doubt in my head, I have to take a deep breath and wait it out.

With the necessary levels of faith, I could flap my arms and fly over and blow up all their buildings with lazer beams from my eyes - everything is, after all, made of the same basic particle interacting with itself in increasingly complex ways. I'm not quite there yet.

[Minyatur]

You can always seek guidance from the Higher Self, afterall it is you that found balance and knows the many possible roads back to itself.

Absolutely true, but I also have difficulty grabbing onto the necessary faith right this moment. If there's any doubt in my head, I have to take a deep breath and wait it out.

With the necessary levels of faith, I could flap my arms and fly over and blow up all their buildings with lazer beams from my eyes - everything is, after all, made of the same basic particle interacting with itself in increasingly complex ways. I'm not quite there yet.

If you did that, you'd probably get kicked out by the game admins but I think that is unlikely if you were accepted to be here.

I think the unconscious is truly an important aspect of the self, because the you that came here lies there and to channel higher energies you probably need to find a form of alignment with the true self. So while I don't think the rules of this space are absolute, you are approved to be here if they can see within yourself that your true inner desires are not to f*** things up but instead truly and sincerely work on something.

Like other members have said, more often than not we are our own limit and to understand this we need to unveil higher desires from the unconcious which conflicts with lower desires. I do think there's quite the hierarchy of desires underneath the ones we experience in a conscious manner. So conciously you can desire god-like power, but unconsciously and in a greater awareness, this is not what you truly desire of this place and not what you came here for. Although I'd say you could have foreseen you would come to feel this way from within your lifetime.

[Minyatur]

Not saying this to shake your faith either, which I think could be an aspect of why you perceive enemies in others, but the core of seeking is to seek to know the self and the limits and frustrations we come across serve this purpose.

Many times I got to a point where things seemed clear as to how much I had been my own unconscious barrier, even when it was impossible to perceive initially.

[Aion]

Hmm, well, if I was to give you any serious advice it would be to find a cave or some other isolated natural space and to begin to dwell there, commune and listen for the wisdom taught by rock, wind and fire. I don't know if that will make sense to you, but it is what I am able to offer.

[Infinite Unity]

Your depiction of how you desire to be rejected is exactly how I've been seeing negative entities.

They enter a pithole where they try to be what is unsightful to others, to boost their own rejection of themselves and others and go further down their negative pithole. To leave this pithole requires openness to be loved for everything you are and this is a hurtful process for the negative being. To transmute the darkness into light.

Good statement so true. It is painful.

[Glow]

Hi I can only add one or two things.

The advanced positive beings do not think you are evil.
I know this because I don't no matter what and if I can see from 3D those beyond can see your true beauty even clearer. We all have s*** spackle over our glow.
The glow is there though. All the same glow.

If you were closer I'd like to just sit beside you. I think you could be eased some with another self who accepted you completely. No judgement.

I understand not wanting to be around otherselves, pain pushes you beyond yourself. You can't handle anymore.

I'd ask you to not judge yourself. Nurture yourself with good food, and the presence of good vibes even if it isn't people there are places with vibes that can help.

As to accessing intelligent infinity fully considered perhaps despite you suffering big YOU that controls all things big and small might know you need some healing and nurturing before it would be in your best interest to access your full capacity.

I don't think it will be long. But the harder we fight our higher selves the longer it takes to get where we are supposed to go.

I hope my words have not added to your burden.
Be well, we truely are one. Selfishly I wish I could comfort you, as you are me in another life.

[Glow]

stuff

My "desires" are usually only desires because they're taboo... I generally take care to be engaging in anti-social activities at any given time, and not because I necessarily truly desire my "desires". I don't care what anybody else thinks, and the more that my behavior disgusts them, the more it offends the order of this universe, the better, because the more it distances me from this place.

If I had my real desire, which is to fuse myself with intelligent infinity, I wouldn't have or require the same desires anymore. I feel like even when I desire to do extreme things, like rape or mass murder, it's more out of a feeling of duty that I should rebel against this place. As well as petty revenge against this universe.

So, you (and most people, I think) misunderstand my intentions entirely. When I do certain things, or seem attracted to certain behaviors, it's because I desire to be abominable, totally repulsive to the fabric of this reality. Anything that is considered "negative" by society is something that I naturally latch on to, to the point where negative entities don't like me because, deep down, I'm so utterly without, and against, order.

Because I fucking HATE it here.

If I had my way, I'd probably become something else entirely...

"Stronger world"? I never said that. I don't care what happens to this world. Or its people. I just want to leave this place.

No, maybe I don't have much regard for other people. I did, but then I realized what this world was like, and that it was more efficient to be evil.

I don't think there is a higher benevolence than allowing everyone to reach limitlessness, is there?

How is it so difficult to work out? It's definitely possible. If magick is just taking control of the auric field to the point where you can cause it to encompass other things, and there are adepts who can transmute their bodies entirely or even modify their internal organs to feed on light... then, why not?

You mean, others taking control of it, or me taking control of myself? The latter is all I want, you know. And, sure, I'll fight and kick and scream to achieve it, if it's my only option.

Whether you are ultimately positive or negative underneath, you will be happier and more successful in life by understanding\embracing\accepting yourself as you are, rather than fighting to be something you are not. And if that understanding causes you to decide you desire change in yourself, that change is ONLY possible if you have real understanding of yourself to begin with.

You might be right... but I try so hard to be a positive person. Maybe it doesn't seem like much, but it keeps a monster at bay. Should I let the monster out?

I know the answer I'll get to a question like that on a forum like this. But... maybe something Down There would give me the assistance that I lack up here, and I'd be a lot more content that way, while I'm forced to be here...

I understand this perspective. I would love to be one with the waves, the birds the sun but not a true egoic part of this reality. I chose to come here though. I am not trapped except for my own want to be here when not actually incarnated.

I've asked them(higherselves) and they don't feel this experience as intensely as we do here. It must be tempered with all the other experiences. I've told them I won't come back. I can even leave early, I'm free but we all know I will stay... and will eventually wander back.

I'd say a lot of that is the same for you too except you are more of a fighter, fighting it harder and you regect this place/reality/illusion even more fully. I could have ended up in the same place but I took a few different turns.

Having read that I'm not sure anything but time, and yourself and self care will do much. Please do try to nurture yourself though. What should one do for a child you. Feed, protect, fuel with good things and experiences. If you cannot do it for yourself perhaps you could do it for me, as I'm you and I do not wish to suffer as you are.
Only you can fix this but we here will be around any time you need.