I can see through the stars inside you

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Gist of my life: Isolation, isolation, isolation. 

Words are too heavy to express my thinking anymore so hopefully I can be somewhat coherent.

I thought after I woke up to who I was, I wouldn't be as isolated, but...for the past 7 years, I've been so isolated that I really feel like i've made very little, if any, progress. I am a single mother of two, in my thirties... I feel like one of the main purposes is to clear my bloodline, but at what cost? Why? I am so frustrated.  In the past, my connection to the outside had been internet forums, but after I woke up, I felt repulsed by all the chatter and debate. I just don't know what to say anymore...as if the person I was died and this new person is someone I can relate to, but don't really know. I feel like I'm in a phase of 'shut up and listen,' but I can't get out of feeling like an island.  Despite that, I feel like i've learned a lot, but I have no way to really express it. That's pretty much the frustration; no expression, but feel like the old ways of expression are not me anymore. 

In childhood I was a misfit fitted into isolation. Mother had narcissistic tendencies, so I was no spotlight in her production. She was a scientist and physician and everyone loved her ambition and charity. She was so sneaky and clever in her disguises that I thought I was every thing she said; which was all forms of s***. My relatives saw me the way she wanted them to, I was also very weird, so I got no support or sympathy there. I didn't know what she was doing to me for all those years, until this year, but I now see and appreciate the catalyst.

As a teen I wore a lot of black, long sleeves, no shorts(even in the summertime), covering up everything I could. I was also a loner (no friends for most of those years) slept a lot, watched t.v. drew comics and played video games all day. I have a brother, and during those shitty days of youth, he would often side with those a******* that tormented me in school. Despite that, I loved him to death and just felt he was doing all of that to fit in. I skipped a lot just to sleep and to be more alone. I was open to friendships, but I was so socially awkward that I couldn't human. I was so drained from just existing..and there was no joy, no friendships, no family...no bonds or connections. It was horrible. I tried to commit suicide a couple of times, and my mother told me that the only reason I shouldn't do it was because it would burden her to take care of the aftermath. 

In my early twenties I met one of the most gentlest man I had ever met, online.  I knew it was planned...I even knew when my children would be born and knew it was the purpose of our union; In my late twenties, after I became pregnant with my second, our romantic life abruptly stopped.  We remain friends to this day and he is very spiritually genuine. During the last couple of years living with him, I was drawn to indigo children, starseeds etc. which seemed to come out of nowhere, seeing I was an atheist. I would ignore it, but this stuff would continuously show up. Happening all the while I was set on being a keyboard warrior, doing research on topics for online debates. *face palm*  But I knew another phase in my life was about to begin so I stopped ignoring those things.

I soon found myself back in my mother's house. With my two children.  This was...a continuation of the past.. I was trying to get to know myself spiritually, but felt so much friction between accepting and rejecting myself because of the two voices I was hearing. I wanted to finally finish college (mostly creating films/animation and game designer/programmer), but I got kicked out and found myself homeless for 3 or 4 months with two young children. Again, no support no connections no friends...oh wait, I did get help with a therapist, but he took advantage of me and we had a short and icky sexual relationship. I suppose I wanted to make sure of something about (romantic) attachment, realized I already knew, and so was able to easily walk away from it.

My awakening happened a little slowly at first...I would go for walks and have quick glimpses and feelings at what appeared to be the truth about everything; extreme love, acceptance and joy that I had never felt before...Then one night, I felt a jolt and heard and saw a rush of purplish liquid light filled with symbols erupt from my crown, like a volcanic eruption turning into a waterfall.  I sat straight up in bed.  AFter the waterfall left my mind's eye, I saw three figures standing in front of my bed. All indigo in color, with no features, just an opaque color. They spoke to me...I just cannot translate what they said...it was something I have no words for. After that I did my homework, found the Ra material, meditated and tried astral travel. After about six months to a year, I stopped actively studying.

So, I spent the next seven or so years after the awakening alone...no desire to be with anyone. once in a while I would get lonely, but I usually felt ok after I sorted through feeling abandoned; this cycle continued throughout the seven years. I focused on my children and cultivated very strong connections with them.  Thank god, I am not my mother! BUt I am here feeling a little ...I don't know, every time I try to go back to school or even pursue hobbies, I get firmly blocked from doing them.  I don't get why.. It's getting so..stale..  The spiritual aspects are intertwined so perfectly into my every day life, that I don't have the desire to study unless there's something pushing me towards something specific. I see the symbolism in just about everything and feel almost everyone..events and experiences seem so obviously attached to a lesson now, that I blithely take them on. ...i just want to..have some fun...come on...dude. please.  Everything is hilarious...

[Plenum]

Thanks for sharing your story.  And welcome to the forums!

[Kaaron]

Welcome to the forums

I can relate as I was isolated for 10 years after I woke up in 2002.
I got to the point where I woke up at 5pm, sat online all night and went to bed at 6-7am. I didn't want to interact with people cos I saw them all as asleep.

All I can say is the more you find happiness in the little things like a smile and let them fully sink down, the easier it becomes to see that there are others awake too

[Aion]

All you'll see if you look through the stars is yourself. Welcome to the forums.

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Thank you all for the welcomes. I've signed up quite a while back..back when I picked this ridiculous username.

Aion, Yes, we are one. Thank you.

Kaaron..the thing about me that I love so very much, is my ability to laugh at how ridiculous I am, and I don't mean that in a negative way, just..well, I laugh at just about everything I do. I know my post sounded like debbie downer, but the truth is, I don't hate people and I don't feel alone in a spiritual sense, I just feel kind of stuck in finding a way out of the shell I created for so long. that is, In a physical, 3D sense. I feel kind of ..well...bored..and not sure how to move forward.

[Kaaron]

Oh, well I hope you find what you're yearning for.
No doubt, it'll hit you like a punch in the face one day n things will never be the same The universe seems to have sped up that way.

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Thank you Kaaron. I really hope I do too. Posting here, I think, was the first step.

[FreedomWithin]

Have you ever thought I giving lsd, dmt or ayahuasca a try? I mean reading you post that was the first thing that popped up as an experience worthy for you. Spiritually these could help shed some light, but in general I think it could add a new perspective for you.

All that being said, I do relate to your post. Most of my life I have felt isolated. While I have had some true friends, at this point most have moved on in their personal life. I no longer have close close friends, maybe acquaintances. While it does seem people enjoy my company, I'm still more of a loner. I've had some meaningful relationships, but most of which were just quick things. I think my mistake is that I look for these deeper connections in people who aren't on that level. Still though I've just accepted that this life might be meant to be spent alone. In this way I am able to gather more information and knowledge, really focusing on growing spiritually.

[Stranger]

Rumpel, your inner beauty shines through your story.  I am just now reading the jeshua.net series which speaks a great deal about the urgent need to heal our "inner child", to become the unconditionally loving parents to that inner child in order to heal ourselves.  By doing this, we are able to experience the joy of life that is blocked by our inner pain. When I read your post, this series immediately came to mind - perhaps you will find some comfort and healing in it, as I did.

Welcome to the forum.  It is wonderful to have your energy here.

[AnthroHeart]

Have you ever thought I giving lsd, dmt or ayahuasca a try? I mean reading you post that was the first thing that popped up as an experience worthy for you. Spiritually these could help shed some light, but in general I think it could add a new perspective for you.

All that being said, I do relate to your post. Most of my life I have felt isolated. While I have had some true friends, at this point most have moved on in their personal life. I no longer have close close friends, maybe acquaintances. While it does seem people enjoy my company, I'm still more of a loner. I've had some meaningful relationships, but most of which were just quick things. I think my mistake is that I look for these deeper connections in people who aren't on that level. Still though I've just accepted that this life might be meant to be spent alone. In this way I am able to gather more information and knowledge, really focusing on growing spiritually.

I have been stunned by the beauty of pharmahuasca, which is just the active ingredients of ayahuasca, so produces no nausea (or minimal). Never threw up on it. It once made me hallucinate and see my entertainment center into dripping paint. And my laptop turned into a 1980's terminal.

Didn't get answers though to secrets of the Universe. Didn't even feel one with everything. Just felt good.

I believe that ultimately each of us is a star.

[FreedomWithin]

I see, well maybe it wasn't a full dose. Smoking dmt will definitely put you into a another dimension, or at least a different perception. Still it can almost be so intense and quick that it's hard for your brain to process everything that happened. For that reason I like lsd better, the experience lasts much longer and you can take more away from it. With all the senses heightened there is a different beauty to life, music, love, etc. Still it seems you have your head on pretty straight without drugs, so seems all good. I was just thinking when you said can I have some fun, I got some fun for you! lol

As far as the everyone being a star, would you mind elaborating on that?

Have you ever thought I giving lsd, dmt or ayahuasca a try? I mean reading you post that was the first thing that popped up as an experience worthy for you. Spiritually these could help shed some light, but in general I think it could add a new perspective for you.

All that being said, I do relate to your post. Most of my life I have felt isolated. While I have had some true friends, at this point most have moved on in their personal life. I no longer have close close friends, maybe acquaintances. While it does seem people enjoy my company, I'm still more of a loner. I've had some meaningful relationships, but most of which were just quick things. I think my mistake is that I look for these deeper connections in people who aren't on that level. Still though I've just accepted that this life might be meant to be spent alone. In this way I am able to gather more information and knowledge, really focusing on growing spiritually.

I have been stunned by the beauty of pharmahuasca, which is just the active ingredients of ayahuasca, so produces no nausea (or minimal). Never threw up on it. It once made me hallucinate and see my entertainment center into dripping paint. And my laptop turned into a 1980's terminal.

Didn't get answers though to secrets of the Universe. Didn't even feel one with everything. Just felt good.

I believe that ultimately each of us is a star.

[AnthroHeart]

Someone else here had originally said it that everyone is a star, perhaps many.

We are all sub-logos in another dimension. Another level of us, all the way up to Creator.

We are all Creator too, but we also are all things.

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Have you ever thought I giving lsd, dmt or ayahuasca a try? I mean reading you post that was the first thing that popped up as an experience worthy for you. Spiritually these could help shed some light, but in general I think it could add a new perspective for you.

All that being said, I do relate to your post. Most of my life I have felt isolated. While I have had some true friends, at this point most have moved on in their personal life. I no longer have close close friends, maybe acquaintances. While it does seem people enjoy my company, I'm still more of a loner. I've had some meaningful relationships, but most of which were just quick things. I think my mistake is that I look for these deeper connections in people who aren't on that level. Still though I've just accepted that this life might be meant to be spent alone. In this way I am able to gather more information and knowledge, really focusing on growing spiritually.

You know, I've never tried those things, and I cringe at the thought..not because I'm not open to the experience in general, but because I hate feeling out of control..it's too intense for me.  In fact, I can't even handle marijuana! I hate it!  Yeah, I haven't had a close friend in quite some time, but honestly things are definitely going into a completely different direction for me.

I too want for deeper connections with people..it makes me sad, because I want to be closer with my siblings for example, but the sad truth is, I don't know them very well and they don't know me.  We get along, i suppose, but it's like I'm shut out; it's palpable -they don't want it.

With spirituality, I've had a love/hate relationship with it.  SO many sources, so much bull crap and so much truth rolled up into a big mess and it infuriates me because I can't know everything now! I know I sound angry and I am...heh, but not in the seeing red sort of way, just...well--just for a pause. just for the sake of..ok, as a respite from my fits of laughter even though I'm shy and awkward, fresh out of my dungeon, I wish I could share that with people in my life more often. ..it's my favorite joy! 

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Rumpel, your inner beauty shines through your story.  I am just now reading the jeshua.net series which speaks a great deal about the urgent need to heal our "inner child", to become the unconditionally loving parents to that inner child in order to heal ourselves.  By doing this, we are able to experience the joy of life that is blocked by our inner pain. When I read your post, this series immediately came to mind - perhaps you will find some comfort and healing in it, as I did.

Welcome to the forum.  It is wonderful to have your energy here.

Wow, thanks!   I probably won't like that, but I'll have a look at any rate.    It's just such a chore to read new things.

 I am such a punk, nevermind. I'll give it a go!

[Infinite Unity]

Gist of my life: Isolation, isolation, isolation. 

Words are too heavy to express my thinking anymore so hopefully I can be somewhat coherent.

I thought after I woke up to who I was, I wouldn't be as isolated, but...for the past 7 years, I've been so isolated that I really feel like i've made very little, if any, progress. I am a single mother of two, in my thirties... I feel like one of the main purposes is to clear my bloodline, but at what cost? Why? I am so frustrated.  In the past, my connection to the outside had been internet forums, but after I woke up, I felt repulsed by all the chatter and debate. I just don't know what to say anymore...as if the person I was died and this new person is someone I can relate to, but don't really know. I feel like I'm in a phase of 'shut up and listen,' but I can't get out of feeling like an island.  Despite that, I feel like i've learned a lot, but I have no way to really express it. That's pretty much the frustration; no expression, but feel like the old ways of expression are not me anymore. 

In childhood I was a misfit fitted into isolation. Mother had narcissistic tendencies, so I was no spotlight in her production. She was a scientist and physician and everyone loved her ambition and charity. She was so sneaky and clever in her disguises that I thought I was every thing she said; which was all forms of s***. My relatives saw me the way she wanted them to, I was also very weird, so I got no support or sympathy there. I didn't know what she was doing to me for all those years, until this year, but I now see and appreciate the catalyst.

As a teen I wore a lot of black, long sleeves, no shorts(even in the summertime), covering up everything I could. I was also a loner (no friends for most of those years) slept a lot, watched t.v. drew comics and played video games all day. I have a brother, and during those shitty days of youth, he would often side with those a******* that tormented me in school. Despite that, I loved him to death and just felt he was doing all of that to fit in. I skipped a lot just to sleep and to be more alone. I was open to friendships, but I was so socially awkward that I couldn't human. I was so drained from just existing..and there was no joy, no friendships, no family...no bonds or connections. It was horrible. I tried to commit suicide a couple of times, and my mother told me that the only reason I shouldn't do it was because it would burden her to take care of the aftermath. 

In my early twenties I met one of the most gentlest man I had ever met, online.  I knew it was planned...I even knew when my children would be born and knew it was the purpose of our union; In my late twenties, after I became pregnant with my second, our romantic life abruptly stopped.  We remain friends to this day and he is very spiritually genuine. During the last couple of years living with him, I was drawn to indigo children, starseeds etc. which seemed to come out of nowhere, seeing I was an atheist. I would ignore it, but this stuff would continuously show up. Happening all the while I was set on being a keyboard warrior, doing research on topics for online debates. *face palm*  But I knew another phase in my life was about to begin so I stopped ignoring those things.

I soon found myself back in my mother's house. With my two children.  This was...a continuation of the past.. I was trying to get to know myself spiritually, but felt so much friction between accepting and rejecting myself because of the two voices I was hearing. I wanted to finally finish college (mostly creating films/animation and game designer/programmer), but I got kicked out and found myself homeless for 3 or 4 months with two young children. Again, no support no connections no friends...oh wait, I did get help with a therapist, but he took advantage of me and we had a short and icky sexual relationship. I suppose I wanted to make sure of something about (romantic) attachment, realized I already knew, and so was able to easily walk away from it.

My awakening happened a little slowly at first...I would go for walks and have quick glimpses and feelings at what appeared to be the truth about everything; extreme love, acceptance and joy that I had never felt before...Then one night, I felt a jolt and heard and saw a rush of purplish liquid light filled with symbols erupt from my crown, like a volcanic eruption turning into a waterfall.  I sat straight up in bed.  AFter the waterfall left my mind's eye, I saw three figures standing in front of my bed. All indigo in color, with no features, just an opaque color. They spoke to me...I just cannot translate what they said...it was something I have no words for. After that I did my homework, found the Ra material, meditated and tried astral travel. After about six months to a year, I stopped actively studying.

So, I spent the next seven or so years after the awakening alone...no desire to be with anyone. once in a while I would get lonely, but I usually felt ok after I sorted through feeling abandoned; this cycle continued throughout the seven years. I focused on my children and cultivated very strong connections with them.  Thank god, I am not my mother! BUt I am here feeling a little ...I don't know, every time I try to go back to school or even pursue hobbies, I get firmly blocked from doing them.  I don't get why.. It's getting so..stale..  The spiritual aspects are intertwined so perfectly into my every day life, that I don't have the desire to study unless there's something pushing me towards something specific. I see the symbolism in just about everything and feel almost everyone..events and experiences seem so obviously attached to a lesson now, that I blithely take them on. ...i just want to..have some fun...come on...dude. please.  Everything is hilarious...

The beauty of the setting sun only last but a short time.

[Infinite Unity]

The Fruit is only Ripe for a short duration. To be picked, ate, and enjoyed in all its beauty. I am saying, you are on the cusp of a greater, deeper way of expression. To turn back to old ways, is to look away from the beauty of the setting sun; or to walk right past the ready fruit, as you starve.

[Infinite Unity]

The reason you contempulate such energies is probably due to social pressures. Such as money, and how your mother thinks about you. These are fine and acceptable catalyst to be learned from. I am much like you. I am 27 years old, with two children. I am with my wife though. We were friends 5 years before we dated. One night we were hanging out with a group of friends. I opened the door for her, and as she walked past. I had an affirmation. I knew I would marry her, and have two children. Like you said it was planned. However because of financial pressure. We our forced to live with her mother. I know she is a major catalyst and mirror for me. I have often felt the same as you. My daily life will never switch gears from spiritual lessons it seems. I will try to make moves just like you, such go back to school. I can never find success. I often find myself saying "I just want to have fun." I understand how you feel, I believe. and believe what I said above is whats right for me. I need to stay focused on the creator, and the original thought. The time is ripe on Earth for real spiritual work to me done.

[Dekalb_Blues]

http://funnyjunk.com/Physical+forms+are+...s/5527172/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE--ak7MBe4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlbZnv5DApY

https://vimeo.com/25996242

https://vimeo.com/5292009

[Rumpelstiltskin]

The reason you contempulate such energies is probably due to social pressures. Such as money, and how your mother thinks about you. These are fine and acceptable catalyst to be learned from. I am much like you. I am 27 years old, with two children. I am with my wife though. We were friends 5 years before we dated. One night we were hanging out with a group of friends. I opened the door for her, and as she walked past. I had an affirmation. I knew I would marry her, and have two children. Like you said it was planned. However because of financial pressure. We our forced to live with her mother. I know she is a major catalyst and mirror for me. I have often felt the same as you. My daily life will never switch gears from spiritual lessons it seems. I will try to make moves just like you, such go back to school. I can never find success. I often find myself saying "I just want to have fun." I understand how you feel, I believe. and believe what I said above is whats right for me. I need to stay focused on the creator, and the original thought. The time is ripe on Earth for real spiritual work to me done.

I have to say, that I'm slightly more of a feeling type of person than a thinking type of person. For that reason, I tend to feel through certain events, and go with the flow.  I hate the thought of having to do anything; i.e. I have to be of service in some way or forcing myself to stay positive. What i mean by that is THINKING what I should be doing v.s. feeling an inclination or flow towards doing something. 

[Rumpelstiltskin]

http://funnyjunk.com/Physical+forms+are+...s/5527172/

Mr. Game and Watch! You're awesome!