How we make 'others' feel

[Shawnna]

Compassion, humility, empathy, love; what does it mean to live a life filled with those qualities?

Two sayings come to mind:

Treat 'others' as you'd want to be treated.

AND

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
               ― Maya Angelou

I've been thinking a lot lately about this.  I'm curious what you all think.  

[Jeremy]

Compassion, humility, empathy, love; what does it mean to live a life filled with those qualities?

Two sayings come to mind:

Treat 'others' as you'd want to be treated.

AND

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
               ― Maya Angelou

I've been thinking a lot lately about this.  I'm curious what you all think.  

I would love for people to be more honest to me. I'd rather hear them say "hey stupid,  do you really think that's the best way to think about that" than "it's ok,  we all have faults" 


noun

1.
a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow foranother who is stricken by misfortune,accompanied by a strong desire to alleviatethe suffering.


My sorrow is for those who think less of themselves and don't see it. Therefore my compassionate desire to help is in the form of showing honesty out of love to those situation and insecurities. My approach may be considered more harsh than others because I don't sugar coat anything. I would rather be treated with brutal honesty than innate coddling and enabling. 

I empathize with those who have yet to see and accept their full true self and in that failure of acceptance,  I hope to allow others to realize that without thia true acceptance,  ones personal evolution will continue to be abated 

[tamaryn]

Indeed I feel the same. And one day when we look back on the choices in our lives we will relish in the feelings we gave to others - and feel them for ourselves.

We are all a part of the spiritual web of interconnected loving and wisdom. And even if we feel dead or without purpose - we still serve others to an extent unimaginable to our minds in third density. Whether in dreams or in waking life I think we all are here to experience that web albeit confusedly and muddled.

[native]

Love is a feeling, no? I think emotion is everything, and that we are moving into a realm led by the heart, feeling our way around..sensing our nature and working with vibration.

[Plenum]

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
               ― Maya Angelou

so if we did a survey, how would most people say you made them feel Shawnna?

I guess the question I'm asking is similiar to polarity.  We all probably think we are doing positive polarization, and yet, I'm pretty sure not all of it is (we mistakenly identify our actions as being positive when they are most likely not).

So we have an idea that we are being loving ... but how does that match up to how others actually experience you?

we can take paragons like Carla, and she just did her business, and yet, as her farewell thread shows - she made people feel a certain way with how she lived her life and what she did with it.

I'm a fairly understated guy ... but when I was at my 5 year work presentation two weeks ago, my manager gave quite the review in front of the whole team.  I'd like to think it was all genuine  

So I mean, if you want to know the effects you have on others, let them speak for themselves, in a spontaneous way.  

[Minyatur]

I always spoke with no intent thinking people wouldn't remember my words because I don't myself. But people do and always take the worst part adding intent to it that was not there.

That's blue ray balancing, to convey what is true to yourself consciously.

[Jeremy]

I always spoke with no intent thinking people wouldn't remember my words because I don't myself. But people do and always take the worst part adding intent to it that was not there.

That's blue ray balancing, to convey what is true to yourself consciously.

You very well could be exhibiting a blue ray level communication yet those that focus upon what they consider negative even though that wasn't your intent are exhibiting there own orange and yellow ray imbalances. Don't ever think that you're in the wrong for acting and speaking from what you feel is the most honest and loving perspective 

[Aion]

I always wonder if people reflect areas we are not yet aware of in ourselves. We musn't assume our sainthood.

I think in general people have mixed feelings about me. Most tend to reflect well, but others don't mesh with my expression at all. I do try to simply be honest. I am still working on being kind.

[Jeremy]

I always wonder if people reflect areas we are not yet aware of in ourselves. We musn't assume our sainthood.

I think in general people have mixed feelings about me. Most tend to reflect well, but others don't mesh with my expression at all. I do try to simply be honest. I am still working on being kind.

Yea I agree. I definitely recognize that I could be a little less harsh but it just seems that being soft (within this community) really does nothing to support the evolution of these forums.  everyone tip toes around very obvious imbalances because they don't want to hurt another selfs feelings.

 Like in that debacle of a thread I posted some days ago, I absolutely loved the raw and honest emotion that was being expressed. The reason is that I don't take it personally which is why I thanked them for it. I take what people say and analyze it to see if what they are saying is based upon their own imbalances or something I'm not seeing within myself. A lot of times,  it's a bit of both so I hope they are benefitting as much as I am. 

[Minyatur]

I always spoke with no intent thinking people wouldn't remember my words because I don't myself. But people do and always take the worst part adding intent to it that was not there.

That's blue ray balancing, to convey what is true to yourself consciously.

You very well could be exhibiting a blue ray level communication yet those that focus upon what they consider negative even though that wasn't your intent are exhibiting there own orange and yellow ray imbalances. Don't ever think that you're in the wrong for acting and speaking from what you feel is the most honest and loving perspective 

Surely but if you note a negative response to your words, you can further adapt yourself as to not repeat it.

I do agree there is no point in thinking that I would be in the wrong when not having a negative intentions. Let's just say there is always room for improvement as we are all Teacher/Learner and Learner/Teacher.

An exemple is that I look beat up because I tend to sacrifice sleep in order to have longer days. I am well with feeling tired but others would think I look unhappy and needlessly worry for me. Becoming aware of it, I can work on not creating this misunderstanding or pertaining it.

[native]

"I'm not obsessed" not intended to be a part of the message

[Shawnna]

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
              ― Maya Angelou

so if we did a survey, how would most people say you made them feel Shawnna?

I guess the question I'm asking is similiar to polarity.  We all probably think we are doing positive polarization, and yet, I'm pretty sure not all of it is (we mistakenly identify our actions as being positive when they are most likely not).

So we have an idea that we are being loving ... but how does that match up to how others actually experience you?

Great question!  My sense is .....   it depends.

I can be very direct and focused - and sometimes that comes across as harsh or even judgmental.  I've had to try hard to remember that there are different types of communication styles and adapting my style to the style of the individual I'm communicating with can be very helpful for us both when it comes to clarity of communication.

It also depends on the nature of the relationship I have with the individual.  My family relationships are such a blessing to me; there's a foundation of trust that is rock solid so we tend to be brutally honest with each other.

My professional relationships are different - I keep my personal life and my professional life separate so most people I work with don't know me at a deep, personal level until there is a foundation of trust established.

Internet forums are a whole other dynamic that I find very challenging.  Being honest and direct serves me well in most other situations; in these situations - I have to think three times about what I'd really like to write knowing that it may not be helpful in moving anyone (including me!) forward in their spiritual or emotional growth.

One thing I've tried to do is assume good intent, regardless of how others actually come across.  That may be naive but it seems to work most of the time.  With most being the operative word there.  

{snip}

So I mean, if you want to know the effects you have on others, let them speak for themselves, in a spontaneous way.

I have no way of stopping anyone in this forum community from 'speaking' for themselves so I'm unclear what is meant by this statement.



I am hoping to find a community of loving, compassionate and humble people here.  Always the optimist I guess.  

[Plenum]

{snip}

So I mean, if you want to know the effects you have on others, let them speak for themselves, in a spontaneous way.

I have no way of stopping anyone in this forum community from 'speaking' for themselves so I'm unclear what is meant by this statement.

actually, that was a bit of a confused statement on my part, so I can understand the quizzical response

I didn't have the forum in my mind when I was typing that ... my mind was on an email that I had received a few hours before I posted that reply to your thread.  It was such a nice and warm email (that I can't share here haha!), but it was just a spontaneous response to what I had shared with this person, that it just seemed relevant to the theme of "how what you did made others feel".  

but yeah, my mind was on something else, and so the stunted thought was a bit strange without any context.

[Shawnna]

You very well could be exhibiting a blue ray level communication yet those that focus upon what they consider negative even though that wasn't your intent are exhibiting there own orange and yellow ray imbalances. Don't ever think that you're in the wrong for acting and speaking from what you feel is the most honest and loving perspective 

I confess to not 'getting' the whole blue, yellow, orange, red, purple, polka dot ray thing.  So forgive my deliberate ignorance.



I do not believe there are 'wrong' ways of acting or speaking - but there are compassionate, sensitive, and humble ways of sharing honest, heart-felt opinions and feelings with each other.  For some, learning how to do that can take time (looking in the mirror).  I share this from personal experience.  

It is absolutely possible to be honest, open and loving in a compassionate, heart-felt way that encourages introspection.

[Shawnna]

{snip}

 Like in that debacle of a thread I posted some days ago, I absolutely loved the raw and honest emotion that was being expressed. The reason is that I don't take it personally which is why I thanked them for it. I take what people say and analyze it to see if what they are saying is based upon their own imbalances or something I'm not seeing within myself. A lot of times,  it's a bit of both so I hope they are benefitting as much as I am. 

What if they are not 'benefiting'? What if, in fact, you're encountering someone who is seriously looking for a compassionate community of like-minded individuals but hasn't quite progressed to your level of self-awareness? Or what if the communication style of the individual you're in dialog with is such that your direct words are misinterpreted?

In this type of forum, it seems to me that it would serve others more effectively to not 'hope they are benefiting', but to be sure what we share doesn't, in fact, hurt or push away the individual who is searching in the same way we all are.

Just sayin......

Namaste dear Jeremy.

[Aion]

That seems to me that if we aren't expressing ourselves according to a certain standard of 'compassion' that we are immediately considered inconsiderate. Maybe not everybody is shaped or comfortable with this or that communication style but it seems to me that even if people try to communicate to the best of their abilities if it doesn't have the appearance of 'politeness' it is treated as 'lacking compassion', but doesnt that just create these expectant images of what 'compassionate people' communicate like?

So, on that note, how can you ever know for sure that your expression is not going to be 'taken badly'? Why assume that anybody who isn't expressing things according to your expectations of compassion is lacking in that intention?

I am just confused over the mixed views.

[Aion]

I guess just to speak to how some of this makes me feel, I feel like my way of expressing myself might be looked down upon simply because I may not be as familiar or comfortable with 'sensitive' ways of speaking and to feel like I am therefore being less oriented towards service because of that feels kind of unfair. Like people who are 'obviously' being 'compassionate' automatically get the head nod but I have to prove my own compassion by mimicing the communication methods of those who are apparently 'more compassionate'?

The whole thing just seems presumptuous and derogative...

[Splash]

That seems to me that if we aren't expressing ourselves according to a certain standard of 'compassion' that we are immediately considered inconsiderate. Maybe not everybody is shaped or comfortable with this or that communication style  but it seems to me that even if people try to communicate to the best of their abilities if it doesn't have the appearance of 'politeness' it is treated as 'lacking compassion', but doesnt that just create these expectant images of what 'compassionate people' communicate like?

So, on that note, how can you ever know for sure that your expression is not going to be 'taken badly'? Why assume that anybody who isn't expressing things according to your expectations of compassion is lacking in that intention?

I am just confused over the mixed views.

----------

I guess just to speak to how some of this makes me feel, I feel like my way of expressing myself might be looked down upon simply because I may not be as familiar or comfortable with 'sensitive' ways of speaking and to feel like I am therefore being less oriented towards service because of that feels kind of unfair. Like people who are 'obviously' being 'compassionate' automatically get the head nod but I have to prove my own compassion by mimicing the communication methods of those who are apparently 'more compassionate'?

The whole thing just seems presumptuous and derogative...

I think I see what you mean.. and what Shawnna means...

for me, the issue I've been having on and off for over 6 months with several different members is: name calling, condescension... patronising wording.... passive/aggressive replies, telling me I shouldn't reply to a thread, or shouldn't reply in a certain way to a thread....

- interactions that are clear breaches of 'politeness'...

I don't have any expectation of compassionateness... but I don't want to be written to in ways that are subtly or overtly bullying or passive aggressive...

I've experienced many of these behaviours since the end of last year (4 different user names - and 2 accounts ago) (!)... when I first joined Bring 4th

it hasn't been an easy ride for me...

I've even recently had a member accidentally send a pm (meant for another person) to me - where they were saying how much they disliked me (and another member)... and I've never received an actual heartfelt apology for that...

(this is a person who I've made efforts to be friendly and complimentary to as well...)

- fortunately it doesn't 'hurt'... because I like myself.. and people don't have to like me... but it does make interactions (plus other bullying I've experienced here) on B4 quite daunting... stressful...

so in summary... I'm actually referring to behaviours/words that are obviously negative...

[Aion]

Well, I don't know too much about all that, but I can say that one of the reasons I get confused is that all of these kinds of threads and subjects seem to be directed towards 'someone', although rarely specified whom. So I naturally just start I think I'm part of the problem. Maybe I am, I can be a jerk sometimes.

[Aion]

I might actually mention that on the topic of how you make others feel is for all those who talk about how apparently negative or confused or cliquey or whatever other issue this forum has, do you ever think about how it might make us feel, those who have poured hours in to sharing and being a part of this forum? Do you have any idea how it feels to constantly feel like your participation is negative for the community, especially when you really just want to join in?

It seems the feelings of us 'regulars' aren't important because we have all been here so long that we are responsible for it being a 'good place for seekers'. Really though, this attitude is part of the 'high horse' we seem to find ourselves upon.

If people don't like my presence or my words I can leave. I would like to participate, but I also would like to actually be present in that participation and not just offer a friendly image. However, lately I feel that even just for the sheer fact that I am an 'old member' that there is some standard I have to be meeting in my 'performance' on the forum and if it's not how others might expect then I might as well not say anything at all.

[Splash]

I haven't had any problem with you.... and I don't think you are discouraging or rude to anyone whenever I have seen you post....

the word "clique" is probably not the right one for what I have felt here...

there was a member "Unbound' who spoke of an "egregore" that he wanted to disengage from.. and he left... this comes closer to what I feel here...

[Aion]

I was Unbound and I came back to attempt to aid in balancing the egregore. I believe that much of the current manifest conflict on the forum is coming about as the extremes of our collective self identity (expressed as the egregore or thought-form of the forum) come in to contact with each other. Thus you can see it that we as a collective have formulated an identity which exists as an image that reflects the current meshing of minds. There is a severe cognitive dissonance within this egregore because of how many minds are tied to it that are working to reconcile opposites or polarities.

Thus, we have a metaphysical environment in which contrasts and extremes will naturally be brought out to face each other, in the spirit of unity, or the attempt thereof.

[Splash]

oh !

how interesting that *We've* circled around to this connection in this dialogue then

I very much like what you have just written as well.

^j^

[Aion]

I admit, I have tried a few times to express this idea, that the conflict on the forum is actually the result of so many minds attempting to work through their confusion. However, that being said, we have seen many sides of this egregore lately. I think this is because we have many people across the spectrum and there are a lot of opposites at play.

It appears to me that we have established ourselves within an identity of a 'community of seekers' but we are now attempting to discover what we actually mean by that. Naturally this means the 'conflict' between many interpretations as the egregore doesn't have a definite shape yet. There is an immense amount of potential, but for what? I believe we are working on discovering that now.

[Bluebell]

I guess just to speak to how some of this makes me feel, I feel like my way of expressing myself might be looked down upon simply because I may not be as familiar or comfortable with 'sensitive' ways of speaking and to feel like I am therefore being less oriented towards service because of that feels kind of unfair. Like people who are 'obviously' being 'compassionate' automatically get the head nod but I have to prove my own compassion by mimicing the communication methods of those who are apparently 'more compassionate'?

The whole thing just seems presumptuous and derogative...

QOTD

[Bluebell]

If people don't like my presence or my words I can leave. I would like to participate, but I also would like to actually be present in that participation and not just offer a friendly image. However, lately I feel that even just for the sheer fact that I am an 'old member' that there is some standard I have to be meeting in my 'performance' on the forum and if it's not how others might expect then I might as well not say anything at all.

it's probably not worth much from a rabid dog but i like u.

[Bluebell]

i think i make most people feel something unpleasant. i apologize for that.

[Minyatur]

i think i make most people feel something unpleasant. i apologize for that.

You never did with me.

[Bluebell]

i think i make most people feel something unpleasant. i apologize for that.

You never did with me.

thanks  ur not most people 

[Minyatur]

I've thought about having a signature that says : "If I ever offended you, it was not intended... sorry"

In real life I'd need a shirt. That way if I say something that upsets someone, he can then see my shirt and know it was light talk.