The Matrix of the Spirit

[Plenum]

The Devil Card is card 15 in the Major Arcana. It forms the First Archetype of the Chain of Spirit. Let us put it in it's place:

The Great Chain of Spirit

1 Devil, 2 Lightning Struck Tower, 3 Star, 4 Moon, 5 Sun, 6 Judgement, 7 Cosmos

I think I may have alluded to this previously, but the Chain of Spirit deals with 'spiritual Light'; the use of it, the invoking of it, the manipulation of it, and the projection of it. It is, therefore, the unlocking of great power, and offers the finite mind/body access to almost limitless reserves.

these are, of course, my words and thoughts; I will try to make it transparent where I have taken from Ra (in quotes) and where I am presenting personal interpretation (the rest). This is offered as catalyst, and nothing more.

let us see some pics:



the image on the left is from the stock standard Ryder-Waite deck, and the other one is from the very pretty Gilded Tarot deck.

- -

let us invoke Ra:

80.10 Questioner: The fifteenth archetype is the Matrix of the Spirit and has been called the Devil. Can you tell me why that is so?

Ra: I am Ra. We do not wish to be facile in such a central query, but we may note that the nature of the spirit is so infinitely subtle that the fructifying influence of light upon the great darkness of the spirit is very often not as apparent as the darkness itself. The progress chosen by many adepts becomes a confused path as each adept attempts to use the Catalyst of the Spirit. Few there are which are successful in grasping the light of the sun. By far, the majority of adepts remain groping in the moonlight and, as we have said, this light can deceive as well as uncover hidden mystery. Therefore, the melody, shall we say, of this matrix often seems to be of a negative and evil, as you would call it, nature.

Ra here offers a jumble-bag of thoughts re the Devil, the Star (the Catalyst of the Spirit), the Sun, and the 'groping in the Moonlight'.

my takeaway from this is that the Devil Card represents the first sparklings of Incipient Awareness.

- -


let us look at the Chain of Spirit once more:

1 Devil, 2 Lightning Struck Tower, 3 Star, 4 Moon, 5 Sun, 6 Judgement, 7 Cosmos

you can see clearly that apart from card 1 and 6 we have increasing intensities and consistencies of Light in this sequence. Card 1 represents a form of 'Metaphorical Darkness', enlivened by First Awareness, and Card 6, the Judgement, is an ability to call on the Light of the Cosmos, ie all of Creation Itself.

look at the cards again:

in the Ryder-Waite, we see the human female and male being bound, chained, and this is the chaining to Ignorance of the True Self (metaphorical darkness). In the other image, this is made even more clear; with the helmet covering the eyes entirely, ie one who is Aware, but unable to see.

this 'Darkness' is only remedied in the next card - the Lightning Struck Tower - which, for a moment, illuminates the Landscape in which one is dwelling, and offers a 'flash' of insight or 'spiritual light' to recalibrate the Truth and Compass of our Journey.

- -

the child in the womb may be another metaphor; one who is aware but unable to see; not because of any inner deficiency, but because the Light is not reaching that place of current dwelling. As such, the Devil is somewhat frustrated, maybe a bit angry too. It, too, seeks the light as do we all.

[Aureus]

I have not really studied Tarot much, I find the symbolism quite confusing. But it seems to me that the Devil and the following cards is realizing the interconnectedness of the universe. I don't really understand Ra here either.

[3DMonkey]

"The Matrix of the Spirit is difficult to characterize since the nature of spirit is less motile. The energies and movements of the spirit are, by far, the most profound yet, having more close association with time/space, do not have the characteristics of dynamic motion. Thusly one may see the Matrix as the deepest darkness and the Potentiator of Spirit as the most sudden awakening, illuminating, and generative influence."

.....
"Therefore, the melody, shall we say, of this matrix often seems to be of a negative and evil, as you would call it, nature"

Ra is simply saying that the unknown aspects of time/space (which are vast) are frightening to most everyone... Therefore the devil was preferred to depict this birthplace of the spirit complex.

---

Can I throw this is here, Plenum? I know you enjoy reading historic threads. Here was one from a favorite time in my journey. (I'm 12thUranus) http://divinecosmos.com/forums/showthrea...-3x7/page4


Are we the matrices, or are we the potentiators?

[abstrktion]

Thanks guys--great insights. I hadn't thought of the fear of the unknown as being the reason for the imagery of the Devil.

My thoughts were more related to Plato's Allegory of the Cave. The idea that once your spirit eyes open, you start behaving in ways that your society would see as "evil"--you know, things like not revering tradition for its own sake, not doing things the way others expect you to, living by your own morality, etc.

Quick summary for those who don't know it:

Man sits in a dark cave chained such that he can only look forward. He only sees shadows on the wall and he believes these are realities because these images are all he's known. One day, a man gets loose and goes up out of the cave and beholds the sunlight. At first he is blinded and can only see faintly. As his eyes adjust, he begins to see how beautiful and different the "real" world is in the Light. He feels compassion for his brothers, so he returns to the cave to try to teach them, but at first he is again blinded by the darkness, his eyes having become accustomed to the Light. His brothers think he is a lunatic and that he's ruined his vision by leaving. But since he has seen things in the Light, he can no longer play their games in the dark. So he is separated from them and their customs and traditions forever.

Hmmm....could be a Wanderer story...

You can find The Allegory of the Cave on Wikipedia, etc. But here's link to a rather irreverent retelling in more modern, and well, somewhat "coarse" language...(but it's funny ): http://www.philosophybro.com/2010/12/pla...mmary.html

[Shin'Ar]

One can find the true meaning of this card, which I call The Darkness, in the way the torch is held in the proper images. The ones posted here are not in agreement with the true images and I do not acknowledge them. In the actual tarot images the torch is held up revealing that this being has no intention of bringing the sacred fire to man. When you observe the ancient symbols throughout the religions of the world you will always find angels bringing enlightenment to mankind from the Infitnite Spirit which is symbolized by fire, and they always hold the torch as though they are handing it down to us. Much the same way that they are always pointing the spear or sword down toward the dragon. These are the symbols of divine connection and communication. This card reveals to us that there exists darkness that would obstruct that communication and revealtion of truth and divinity.

[BlatzAdict]

The Devil Card is card 15 in the Major Arcana. It forms the First Archetype of the Chain of Spirit. Let us put it in it's place:

The Great Chain of Spirit

1 Devil, 2 Lightning Struck Tower, 3 Star, 4 Moon, 5 Sun, 6 Judgement, 7 Cosmos

I think I may have alluded to this previously, but the Chain of Spirit deals with 'spiritual Light'; the use of it, the invoking of it, the manipulation of it, and the projection of it. It is, therefore, the unlocking of great power, and offers the finite mind/body access to almost limitless reserves.

these are, of course, my words and thoughts; I will try to make it transparent where I have taken from Ra (in quotes) and where I am presenting personal interpretation (the rest). This is offered as catalyst, and nothing more.

let us see some pics:



the image on the left is from the stock standard Ryder-Waite deck, and the other one is from the very pretty Gilded Tarot deck.

- -

let us invoke Ra:

80.10 Questioner: The fifteenth archetype is the Matrix of the Spirit and has been called the Devil. Can you tell me why that is so?

Ra: I am Ra. We do not wish to be facile in such a central query, but we may note that the nature of the spirit is so infinitely subtle that the fructifying influence of light upon the great darkness of the spirit is very often not as apparent as the darkness itself. The progress chosen by many adepts becomes a confused path as each adept attempts to use the Catalyst of the Spirit. Few there are which are successful in grasping the light of the sun. By far, the majority of adepts remain groping in the moonlight and, as we have said, this light can deceive as well as uncover hidden mystery. Therefore, the melody, shall we say, of this matrix often seems to be of a negative and evil, as you would call it, nature.

Ra here offers a jumble-bag of thoughts re the Devil, the Star (the Catalyst of the Spirit), the Sun, and the 'groping in the Moonlight'.

my takeaway from this is that the Devil Card represents the first sparklings of Incipient Awareness.

- -


let us look at the Chain of Spirit once more:

1 Devil, 2 Lightning Struck Tower, 3 Star, 4 Moon, 5 Sun, 6 Judgement, 7 Cosmos

you can see clearly that apart from card 1 and 6 we have increasing intensities and consistencies of Light in this sequence. Card 1 represents a form of 'Metaphorical Darkness', enlivened by First Awareness, and Card 6, the Judgement, is an ability to call on the Light of the Cosmos, ie all of Creation Itself.

look at the cards again:

in the Ryder-Waite, we see the human female and male being bound, chained, and this is the chaining to Ignorance of the True Self (metaphorical darkness). In the other image, this is made even more clear; with the helmet covering the eyes entirely, ie one who is Aware, but unable to see.

this 'Darkness' is only remedied in the next card - the Lightning Struck Tower - which, for a moment, illuminates the Landscape in which one is dwelling, and offers a 'flash' of insight or 'spiritual light' to recalibrate the Truth and Compass of our Journey.

- -

the child in the womb may be another metaphor; one who is aware but unable to see; not because of any inner deficiency, but because the Light is not reaching that place of current dwelling. As such, the Devil is somewhat frustrated, maybe a bit angry too. It, too, seeks the light as do we all.

i just totally get you. just think of what service to self means
self love, but it is there to contrast with action, the inaction of service to others. like a balance of ying and yang. it is the counter pull.

it is the notion of contracting energies... while service to others is ever expanding..

if service to others is pull.. then service to self is push.
you need both to create movement.

because you understand there must be movement, all there needs to be is the intention to direct that movement...

[3DMonkey]

The spirit part of our m/b/s complex is born in nothing, complete darkness. That means every moment of our existence contains a spiritual birthing point that see no light whatsoever. What stirs this emptiness is a revelation, an apocalypse, an aha moment, an enlightenment, and a flash of light/awareness. The darkness contains connotations of fear, evil, danger lurking that "Therefore, the melody, shall we say, of this matrix often seems to be of a negative and evil, as you would call it, nature". So, the devil it is by third density innate standards.

[Meerie]

Are we the matrices, or are we the potentiators?

Aren't we both? the matrix is the conscious and the potentiator the unconscious.
We have both aspects.

[3DMonkey]

When lust arises in an individual or two, there is a consciousness birthed in the mind, there is movement birthed in the body, and there is a darkness birthed in the spirit. Skipping to spirit, the darkness birthed between two individuals in lust is potentiated by flashes of 'light', or realizations of one another's awareness, and these flashes turn into passion. ...

Mind you, all the while, new moments are continuing to birth new archetypal situations

---

Are we the matrices, or are we the potentiators?

Aren't we both? the matrix is the conscious and the potentiator the unconscious.
We have both aspects.

we are both, probably in the sense that one is all.

What I suggest by asking the question is that if we are born from consciousness, are our lives more like the unconscious that stimulates the all-consciousness. Because it seems like we all consider ourselves an island when we imagine ourself as the consciousness and the unconscious as what we seek. What if we are what is sought?

Likewise, what if we are not the motion from which the body comes? What if we are the wisdom that creates the form.

Finally, what if we are not the darkness of unknowingness? What if we are the light of the world that reveals life to the darkness?

---

When lust arises in an individual or two, there is a consciousness birthed in the mind, there is movement birthed in the body, and there is a darkness birthed in the spirit. Skipping to spirit, the darkness birthed between two individuals in lust is potentiated by flashes of 'light', or realizations of one another's awareness, and these flashes turn into passion. ...

Our spirit becomes enthralled by the notion that what we perceived as possible is actually coming to be. Lighting is attractive to the spirit.

These are only the first two in a series of seven steps. Next we move to spiritual catalyst and then spiritual experience.

I chose lust to passion because it is a quick observation. Many things born in the spirit take many years to develop to a point when a lightning flash brings light to it.

[abstrktion]

Just thought I'd add a quote from Ra since Don actually asked this question:

"80.10 Questioner: The fifteenth archetype is the Matrix of the Spirit and has been called the Devil. Can you tell me why that is so?
Ra: I am Ra. We do not wish to be facile in such a central query, but we may note that the nature of the spirit is so infinitely subtle that the fructifying influence of light upon the great darkness of the spirit is very often not as apparent as the darkness itself. The progress chosen by many adepts becomes a confused path as each adept attempts to use the Catalyst of the Spirit. Few there are which are successful in grasping the light of the sun. By far, the majority of adepts remain groping in the moonlight and, as we have said, this light can deceive as well as uncover hidden mystery. Therefore, the melody, shall we say, of this matrix often seems to be of a negative and evil, as you would call it, nature.

It is also to be noted that an adept is one which has freed itself more and more from the constraints of the thoughts, opinions, and bonds of other-selves. Whether this is done for service to others or service to self, it is a necessary part of the awakening of the adept. This freedom is seen by those not free as what you would call evil or black. The magic is recognized; the nature is often not."

From this, "The Devil" as a title comes from 1)the fact that many adepts get stuck in the delusions of the lesser light and 2) the change in perspective (i.e., freedom) of the Adept is viewed as "evil" by others--which is exactly as Plato posited for the Philosopher in The Allegory of the Cave.



But Ra said that we do have to interpret things for ourselves and it seems like we all see something slightly different at the heart of the archetype.

[Gribbons]

I like that. Cause I have to push myself to be of service to self, because there's always been a natural pull to be of service to others.

[JustLikeYou]

I am glad that abstrktion brought this particular quotation into the conversation. This is one of those quotations that has much more in it than is immediately apparent.

The darkness itself is the matrix, but Ra mentions that those who attempt to use the Catalyst of the Spirit often find themselves groping in the moonlight. Here, it appears that Ra is not speaking only of the Matrix of the Spirit: Ra is also speaking of the matrix now informed by catalyst: the Experience of the Spirit -- the Moon card. Consequently, we can see that the progressive action of evolving the spirit is depicted (however briefly) in this one quotation: first there is darkness, then the darkness is potentiated by the "fructifying influence of light". This potentiation yields some kind of spiritual catalyst which may be seen as that part of this fructifying influence of light which was actually retained from the jarring experience of potentiation. It is this glimmer of residual light which may then be used to pry open a hole in the darkness of the spirit, thereby reshaping the matrix into one which is now not completely dark but twilit as by the moonlight.

The moonlight is now the new darkness, the new matrix, because there can always be more light and less darkness. This is how the slow progress of spiritual evolution occurs: little by little, the matrix transforms from one that is dark into one that is lit, the end goal being the ability to "grasp the light of the sun".

[Shin'Ar]

One must realize that it is the darkness from which we must escape. The darkness is the cycle of reincarnation in which we are trapped in the existence of flesh.

the key to understanding this card is the way the torch is held. In many depictions throughout the religious world we have the gods bringing with them the Light of the Infinite Spirit, the Sacred Fire, and they are handing it to us, reaching down with it from above and literally handing it to us, giving us the Light that will lead us out of the darkness.

In this card we see that the torch is being held aloft and not presented to us but actually being kept away from us.

This Being is one who has chosen to remain in darkness and wants to keep that Sacred Fire from ever being attained.

Notice where the Serpent resides within it. the Kundalini is not risen it instead reveals itself in the position where it has not yet been activated at all.And look at the creatures at its feet being ruled over by it. They are not dark, they are light. they are being led back into darkness.

[dreamoftheiris]

The Matrix of the Spirit is also called “The Devil” in tarot. In the Brotherhood of Light deck, the devil is depicted as the Egyptian deity Typhon, the spirit of the Adversary. Typhon means insolence and pride and represents egotism and self-centeredness. This archetype suggests the lesson as to how it happens that beings can forfeit their freedom and become slaves of a monstrous entity that makes them degenerate by rendering them similar to it.

Its theme is one of the generations of negative thought forms and of the power that they have over those who generate them. It is the Arcanum of the creation of artificial beings and of the slavery into which the creator can fall - becoming a slave of his own creation.

The ego is just such a thought form. Grafted onto us during development as an infant, the Ego functions as a way to interact in mostly material existence. Its purpose is as an interface, allowing you to function within this plane. Its domain is the material and is concerned with physical survival.

In a perfect world, the veil between worlds is not as tightly shut, and the higher takes command over the lower and thus has command over the ego. However, in our world, we are lost in the lower and our egos often have full command of us and often keep us enslaved. We become lost in the roles we play, in the masks we wear.

For some, this mask is all there is. For others, the calling of Spirit penetrates through and beckons them forward.

The self-centered desires of the ego, when followed, often result in destruction and enslavement. You become what you focus on. Those that focus on the lower, attract and become the lower. Those that focus on the higher, attract and become the higher. The difference can sometimes be subtle. The lower feels desperate and urgent. The higher feels more subtle. One demands. The other suggests. This is how to tell the difference between the urgings of the lower and the subtle pull of the higher.

The more we follow the lower, the more we become enslaved by it. The deeper the darkness becomes.

Ra says, “The Matrix of the Spirit is what you may call the Night of the Soul or Primeval Darkness”.

This archetype can be seen as the difference between inspiration and counter inspiration.

Every moment is a choice and the choice of what to be inspired by is critical to the development of the adept.

To be inspired by that which is false demands the adept to immerse themselves in that which is false. Likewise, for adepts to be inspired by that which is true requires the adept to see through falsity. Just how it is easier to gain weight than to lose it, the starting position of everyone who comes through 3D reality at this time is darkness. It requires constant vigilance, work, and applied wisdom to see through falsity. Some, such as wanderers, have a better developed Spirit that can help them see through it easier than others. But it requires work nonetheless to avoid the trappings of Typhon.

Ra says,
“The adept, then, is working with the power of hidden things illuminated by that which can be false or true. To embrace falsity, to know it, to seek it, and to use it gives a power that is most great.”

While the darkness is deep in this matrix, the divine flash of lighting can break through and provide a glimpse and insight into a path out of the dark.

Surrounding Typhon and his slaves are fallen pillars. In the Potentiator of the Mind, Isis is shown between two great pillars symbolizing the fact that Nature attains productivity by means of polarity. The pillars represent two out of three pillars of the Tree of Life. These are Strength and Wisdom with the third pillar being Harmony which is placed between them.

Two pillars are also often represented archetypally as entrances to sacred places. They represent an important gateway or passage toward the unknown.

The destruction of the pillars by Typhon reinforces the image of this archetype being darkness by cutting off this gateway to the Spiritual. Without the guiding influence of Spirit, chaos, destruction, and enslavement reign supreme, and those that attempt to serve the Ego eventually become enslaved by it.

[Ohr Ein Sof]

The Matrix of the Spirit is also called “The Devil” in tarot.   In the Brotherhood of Light deck, the devil is depicted as the Egyptian deity Typhon, the spirit of the Adversary.  Typhon means insolence and pride and represents egotism and self-centeredness.   This archetype suggests the lesson as to how it happens that beings can forfeit their freedom and become slaves of a monstrous entity that makes them degenerate by rendering them similar to it.  

Its theme is one of the generations of negative thought forms and of the power that they have over those who generate them.  It is the Arcanum of the creation of artificial beings and of the slavery into which the creator can fall - becoming a slave of his own creation.

The ego is just such a thought form.  Grafted onto us during development as an infant, the Ego functions as a way to interact in mostly material existence.  Its purpose is as an interface, allowing you to function within this plane.  Its domain is the material and is concerned with physical survival.

In a perfect world, the veil between worlds is not as tightly shut, and the higher takes command over the lower and thus has command over the ego.  However, in our world, we are lost in the lower and our egos often have full command of us and often keep us enslaved. We become lost in the roles we play, in the masks we wear.

For some, this mask is all there is.  For others, the calling of Spirit penetrates through and beckons them forward.  

The self-centered desires of the ego, when followed, often result in destruction and enslavement.  You become what you focus on.  Those that focus on the lower, attract and become the lower.  Those that focus on the higher, attract and become the higher.  The difference can sometimes be subtle.  The lower feels desperate and urgent.  The higher feels more subtle.  One demands.  The other suggests.  This is how to tell the difference between the urgings of the lower and the subtle pull of the higher.

The more we follow the lower, the more we become enslaved by it.  The deeper the darkness becomes.  

Ra says, “The Matrix of the Spirit is what you may call the Night of the Soul or Primeval Darkness”.

This archetype can be seen as the difference between inspiration and counter inspiration.  

Every moment is a choice and the choice of what to be inspired by is critical to the development of the adept.  

To be inspired by that which is false demands the adept to immerse themselves in that which is false.  Likewise, for adepts to be inspired by that which is true requires the adept to see through falsity.  Just how it is easier to gain weight than to lose it, the starting position of everyone who comes through 3D reality at this time is darkness.  It requires constant vigilance, work, and applied wisdom to see through falsity.  Some, such as wanderers, have a better developed Spirit that can help them see through it easier than others.  But it requires work nonetheless to avoid the trappings of Typhon.  

Ra says,
“The adept, then, is working with the power of hidden things illuminated by that which can be false or true. To embrace falsity, to know it, to seek it, and to use it gives a power that is most great.”

While the darkness is deep in this matrix, the divine flash of lighting can break through and provide a glimpse and insight into a path out of the dark.

Surrounding Typhon and his slaves are fallen pillars.  In the Potentiator of the Mind, Isis is shown between two great pillars symbolizing the fact that Nature attains productivity by means of polarity.  The pillars represent two out of three pillars of the Tree of Life.  These are Strength and Wisdom with the third pillar being Harmony which is placed between them.  

Two pillars are also often represented archetypally as entrances to sacred places.  They represent an important gateway or passage toward the unknown.  

The destruction of the pillars by Typhon reinforces the image of this archetype being darkness by cutting off this gateway to the Spiritual.  Without the guiding influence of Spirit, chaos, destruction, and enslavement reign supreme, and those that attempt to serve the Ego eventually become enslaved by it.

Very nice what you have written here Dreams!!!! I agree. I had to look at the card/key you are using and I found it quite obvious that the creature we call "the Devil" or the adversary is making a gesture that it intends to swallow the light which is the burning torch.
The condition of mankind I find fits this well as materialism always swallows the light. The worship of anything in the material world will swallow the light.
This particular key has the Hebrew letter Ayin in the lower right corner that means "eye". Seeing life experience for what it truly is or it sees it incorrectly and in error thus creating a darkness which is called ignorance; ignorace that swallows up the light.
Also, to the lower left is the Hebrew letter Samekh that corresponds to Key 14, Temperance or the Holy Guardian Angel. And then the Roman numeral X which is 10; thus signifying Key 10 or the Wheel of Fortune (the Law of Rotation).
This may offer us clues that what we experience here in the material plane; all the atrocities and suffering is written in a universal law thus allowing for this process to take place so that mankind may go deep into his materialistic desires in order that eventually he may liberate himself and come full circle as the letter Samekh indicates. What temps us, liberates us eventually. And to me this Key indicates that what is bad is good as each of us will use the ignorance of the world to further polarize and eventually helping others when they are leaving the darkness of the material world.
The small entities at the feet of The Devil; combined, they make the gesture of the Magus. One figure points upward and the other points to the below. Signifying the conscious and subconscious mind are at play here. Possibly indicating that All is mind and all is generated by mind; who knows this better than the conscious entity that positions himself correctly? And he who has left the darkness but realizes that every experience created and everything around him he has created as all is mind; he begins to use the limitations of this material plane to further his work upon the material plane of existence.

[MusingsofanAwakenedIteration]

Hello, everyone! I really appreciate reading all the different perspectives based on this enlightening and life-changing book series. When reading through it and trying to figure out what was going on with me, fine tuning myself and my Chakras, I connected with it in my own way.  As stated, this is my opinion (acclimation) of the Matrix of the Spirit when I read through it.

As Ra stated, "Therefore, may we ask the student to look up from inward working and behold the glory, the might, the majesty, the mystery, and the peace of oneness. Let no consideration of bird or beast, darkness or light, shape or shadow keep any which seeks from the central consideration of unity. We are not messengers of the complex. We bring the message of unity. In this perspective only may we affirm the value to the seeker of adepthood of the grasping, articulating, and use of this resource of the deep mind exemplified by the concept complexes of the archetypes. Elkins, Don; Rueckert, Carla; McCarty, Jim. The Ra Contact: Teaching the Law of One: Volume 2 (p. 465). L/L Research. Kindle Edition. "

Drawing upon my own life experiences (catalysts), I started off my life hating everything pretty much. I didn’t like my life at all. I hated the fact that I had no choice to be born but now was stuck with making my life the best I could be - being the best I could be to survive. One of the first things I learned was that you can’t trust anyone. When you reach out for help, you get nothing but pain in return. So I went inward. Developed myself. I used everything to make myself better. Screw the world.

In all of this, I valued the one thing that I could rely on. That was me. The power of one. I overcame lot of things, let's say, with no help from anyone. Others brought pain. However, I focused all that negative energy to make myself the best I could be. I believed in my word. My word was me. I wouldn’t say/promise anything if there was any doubt that I couldn’t fulfill that promise. I was me, even back then. Just really negative me.

Survival. That was it. I grew up wanting to see the world burn, metaphorically. Although, some days I wanted literal. I learned very early on that the world was a sh@thole. A place for souls to be tormented. Essentially, hell on earth.

As eluded to in my opening thread, the chapter in my life where I was back with my biological father, the catalysts was even darker for me, at least I saw it as that back then. Locked in a room a lot with no food, I made the best of the situation to better myself. Balancing on my bed (when I eventually got my own), calisthenics, meditating to calm my breathing and heart rate (lots of fear back then), and, surprisingly, reading the bible. My biological father was a man in search of his soul. He was a minister/participant in lots of Christian faiths. I read that bible (which I still have to this day) backwards and forwards. Although, flawed in lots of ways, it did save me. I still feel like if not for the info that did resonate with me and making my own life amalgamation, I would truly be a devil, if you will, with all the things I suffered.

During those years, I had to question everything - still do. What is right? What is wrong? Is it wrong to be locked in a room by “Christians” that told me it was for my own good? To starve a kid? Not to mention the other things that went on…I had to steal so I could eat. Was that a crime? To steal to survive? When I moved in with my biological mother (from a small town to a big city, whole different story), I had this annoying, yet pervasive drive to be kind to others. Because of what I gleaned from the bible, I didn’t want to be evil, if you will. The life conundrum that I lived. Hating life, but knowing the value of it.

I spent lots of time with the elderly in the church. I learned early on that that group had lots to share, as far as someone trying to learn as much as possible to survive, and quite honestly, to be human. I have never felt like I was a normal person, a “normie” I guess. In my mind, I always referred to others as “those humans”. One more word about the elderly in the church before I move on, I was also attracted to them because they were the only ones that I allowed to touch me. Their touch was welcoming, lots of compliments about my hair, heh. Very gentle. All other “touching” from other people I would flinch, brace myself for what’s next.

So, to bring it back to the Matrix of the Spirit, I believe it comes down to personal interpretation based on all the complexities of life as we know it. I’m just really thankful for the natural gifts that were given to me at birth to be able to bring me to the point I am now and rid myself of the veil and partially see what really is. Life to me is truly beginning!

Peace to all of you!