Difficulties with restriction of personality

[ayadew]

Hello my friends.
I ask for your advice and help in resolving a conflict with another person and myself.

I have never intended any hardship or negative thought upon this person, yet she feels uncomfortable in my presence because our personalities does not work together. She does not want my presence.

This may seem like a simple problem, but I am very sincere in my desire for all to feel comfortable and loving around me. I do not wish to contribute to negative feelings, for even though I have done little to feel 'bad' or 'responsible' about this situation it hurts deeply inside me.

I have approached her about this, but she says she does not wish to talk about it (not right now, later).
Until that time I would wish to regain a feeling of full love towards her and not this restrictive feeling which makes my light body knit itself together at orange ray.

Because I believe my hurting feelings comes from a sense of unworthiness, That I have not been enough, that I could have been better.
That I cannot accept that she does not wish my company.
That I cannot accept her for being herself in this relationship, and I myself too - and that it simply does not work.

How can I be of service to her? My only idea is to restrict my personality, and remove the parts she dislikes while in her company.
Because I think that I am not deeply found of my personality anyway, and that it's simply a transient construct of this particular reality.

But, if she is deep in her personality, defines herself with it, should I then not respect it? And is there a way of doing this without restriction of personality?
Avoiding her altogether is an alternative, I suppose. Yet an unlikely one in my present life situation.

Can you blame anyone or yourself for being yourself.

[transiten]

Hello my friends.
I ask for your advice and help in resolving a conflict with another person and myself.

I have never intended any hardship or negative thought upon this person, yet she feels uncomfortable in my presence because our personalities does not work together. She does not want my presence.

This may seem like a simple problem, but I am very sincere in my desire for all to feel comfortable and loving around me. I do not wish to contribute to negative feelings, for even though I have done little to feel 'bad' or 'responsible' about this situation it hurts deeply inside me.

I have approached her about this, but she says she does not wish to talk about it (not right now, later).
Until that time I would wish to regain a feeling of full love towards her and not this restrictive feeling which makes my light body knit itself together at orange ray.

Because I believe my hurting feelings comes from a sense of unworthiness, That I have not been enough, that I could have been better.
That I cannot accept that she does not wish my company.
That I cannot accept her for being herself in this relationship, and I myself too - and that it simply does not work.

How can I be of service to her? My only idea is to restrict my personality, and remove the parts she dislikes while in her company.
Because I think that I am not deeply found of my personality anyway, and that it's simply a transient construct of this particular reality.

But, if she is deep in her personality, defines herself with it, should I then not respect it? And is there a way of doing this without restriction of personality?
Avoiding her altogether is an alternative, I suppose. Yet an unlikely one in my present life situation.

Hello ayadew

First i don't think one can count on everybody to like you, although i've had the same issue myself. Also i wonder if you had a loverelation and it's over?...my keyboard is slowing down, talk tomorrow.

transiten

[ayadew]

That seems to be the essence of the problem..
My current love-relation is going strong.

[Questioner]

How can I be of service to her? My only idea is to restrict my personality, and remove the parts she dislikes while in her company.

I hope that I can ask a few questions that may be of use to you.

Removing parts of a personality: that's a tricky surgery, isn't it? A trait-ectomy? A qualities transplant? Ego fusion? Arthroscopy of the unconscious?

Rather than restricting your personality, have you asked her if there is a change in your behavior that would serve her? E.g., "I love to spend time with you and I can tell you aren't always comfortable around me. I'm sad about that because I'd like to get to spend more time with you. Is there something I could do more of or less of to help you enjoy time together with me? Or is this just not a good time in your life to spend as much time with me?"

Meanwhile, from a spiritual perspective, what do your meditation, prayer and mindfulness tell you about the sense of unworthiness or anxiety? Those are feelings that come up for you at the idea that this one particular person doesn't fully accept you. Why is that idea so emotionally important? Why is your acceptance and love of yourself, as a spark or facet of the One Creator, contingent on someone else having a particular point of view about you?

[ayadew]

Hello Questioner. Thank you for your post.

My 'mindfulness' tells me that this whole situation originates from that I am stuck in the drama of this world, and that I do not see the spark of the creator in this person, and that I have forgotten that all is well.
I would wish to resolve this issue with her, but if she does not wish it, I don't want to force it.
Then I'd like to accept this, and for all similar confrontations in the future, that we love each other deeply even though we do not realize this in this body/personality.

[Lorna]

weirdly just before i logged onto bring 4th i was thinking about my gran's brother who died on thursday. he is someone i didn't like, i didn't feel comfortable in his presence, he felt toxic to me, mainly because he had a lot of anger and he seemed, to me, to have quite an artificially constructed personality - he was not expressing the truth of himself - i just couldn't be around him

anyway, families being as they are it's going to be difficult for me to explain to some members of my family why i won't be going to the funeral and that was what was playing on my mind

i didn't feel any ill toward my uncle, quite the opposite, i smile thinking of him being now reunited with people who he had lost and at his joy at being released from the confines of his incarnation

i'm not sure what i'm trying to say other than that in my experience with this particular relationship interaction was best avoided. not because there was anything 'wrong' with his personality, which was clearly right for his circumstances and his path. but it was just not right for me (or my mum who had the same response to him as me) to spend any time with this particular person

i hope this situation has an outcome you can feel content with ayadew

[Monica]

I would wish to resolve this issue with her, but if she does not wish it, I don't want to force it.

Ayadew, I can relate to this question from both perspectives. I've been on both sides of this dilemma!

A few years ago, an ex-coworker wanted to be my friend, but wouldn't accept me for who I was. It really bothered her that I chose a certain lifestyle (such as being a vegetarian, etc.) which she didn't agree with. I did my best to never judge her for her own choices, but maybe I wasn't successful, or maybe she had her own issues, whatever...at any rate, I finally got tired of having to defend my own choices about something as personal as diet! I told her I accepted her for who she was, and asked her to please accept me, "I'm ok you're ok" ya know? But she wouldn't quit, so finally I made a conscious decision to terminate our email correspondence (which is all it was, anyway! Not really much of a friendship, actually, as we no longer saw each other in person since I had left that job). I explained this to her as lovingly as I could...I told her that I had no interest in being challenged on my personal lifestyle choices and that my life was not up for debate! I also told her that if she could accept me and not judge me, I would be fine with being friends.

Well, she refused. She continued to jab at me about things that were really none of her business (such as my new business, more on diet, etc.). I could only conclude that she was jealous of me. Though she had financial wealth and I didn't, I had many other things in my life that she didn't.

I had immense regret at the way things worked out. I always prefer to have open communication with people, and I prefer to get our differences resolved so we can coexist. Like you, I prefer reconciliation and understanding over a severance of the relationship.

But, since I had tried that to no avail, there was just no way to accomplish it alone!

This situation was different from yours in that I was the one seeking communication, but when she refused, I felt I had no other recourse but to put an end to the harassment. In your case, it might even be more difficult, since your 'friend' not only refused communication and your efforts at reconciliation, but then shut the door completely without an explanation.

Your situation is more like the other one I experienced, from the opposite side of the fence.

Another person whom I had thought was a friend (though not a close friend), terminated our 'friendship' with no explanation. Her son was my son's best friend, and we had very different parenting styles. There were several incidents in which she got upset about something I did. For example, we gave Christmas gifts to her son, not realizing that they frowned upon Christmas gifts. In another instance, her son, who was already an adult by that time (I think he was 19 or so...had just come home from college for the summer) made a decision to go someplace with my son, and the mother got angry at me for not telling her. I didn't think it was my responsibility, since the son was already an adult! Anyway, it was one of several instances in which I tried to communicate but my attempts were rejected.

In both of these cases, I concluded that my 'friend' was jealous of me in some way. In the former case, for my marriage, child, and lifestyle, and in the latter case, for having a son who was somewhat close to me, while her own son wasn't close to her.

That's my attempt at psycho-analyzing, anyway!

In both cases, even though in one case I was the one terminating the 'friendship' and in the other case I was the one being rejected, I attempted communication but was rejected.

In both cases, there was nothing I could do but choose to love the person from afar. I left an open invitation in both cases.

I don't think changing who you are is the answer. In my case, should I have been expected to give up my convictions against eating meat, just so my 'friend' would feel more comfortable when we went out to lunch? I never admonished her for eating meat. I don't see why she felt she had the right to judge my own choice!

Now, if either of these friends had communicated something to me that they didn't like, then of course the thing to do would be to look in the mirror and see whether it had any merit or not.

I once had a co-worker tell me I was too preachy about vegetarianism. This was 30 years ago, when I was basically an evangelist for both spirituality and vegetarianism! She was absolutely right - I was horrid! She said I was cramming it down people's throats and I was mortified to realize how I was coming across!

In that case, I absolutely did change an aspect of my personality! And it made me a better person!

In the other 2 cases, though, how could I change anything if I didn't know what it was that was bothering them? And even if I did, unless it's something really obnoxious, why should I be expected to change?

My advice is:

Consider the aspects of your personality that your friend doesn't like. Look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. IF you conclude that you really would like to improve yourself in those areas, then by all means make that effort! Tell your friend thanks for the feedback, but ask her to please be patient, as people don't change habits overnight. Ask her to please accept you as you try to incorporate her suggestions.

However, if the disliked aspects are just a part of your personality, and not really anything all that dreadful, I don't see why you should have to change who you are just to please someone else. It's reasonable for, say, a husband and wife to expect some small changes as they learn to cohabit, but it's not reasonable to expect a casual friend to change core aspects of his/her personality.

My best friend is a very passionate, expressive person. She can sometimes be rather loud and sometimes has strong opinions, which some people are uncomfortable with. Her ex-husband was a very reserved man and couldn't handle her intensity. Well, these qualities are what make her special! Her ex-husband didn't appreciate her beauty or her specialness. She felt very stifled when she was with him. They are both much happier now that they are apart! But I can't help but feel that he was a bit uptight. Perhaps she mirrored to him some suppressed aspects of himself! By the same token, perhaps he taught her a bit about when it might be appropriate to reign in her enthusiasm a bit. For exampe, she has had to tone it down at times (like at work). But, overall lives her life as she chooses.

My advice is to rejoice at the unique, special person that you are. Invite others to accept you, with all your flaws, just as you accept them with all their flaws. At the same time, work on those areas of your personality that you feel might be improved, but do it because it's part of your own spiritual process, not to win her approval! I don't think we need ever feel that we must measure up to anyone else's expectations.

Those are my suggestions...if any of it resonates, great! If not, just discard.

[Peregrinus]

I've always had an analogy about people and life, plain and simple.

If I am standing in manure, I have two choices; continue to stand in it and get used to the smell, or walk away from it.

[transiten]

Hello ayadew

Since we're meeting today i could wait for asking, but i did not understand from your reply if the woman you have difficulties is you ex girlfriend? And what do you mean by "the essence of the problem and that your current relationship is going strong?"

To me is sounds as an ex-girlfriend who doesn't want to communicate with you and that you have a new relationship....if that's the case why are you so occupied with the old one?

I might have misundersood this of course and i can ask you today, but for clarification to the other forummembers also perhaps i choose to ask this. See you at 3PM

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[ayadew]

Hello everyone.. thank you so much for your advice!

Peregrinus: In my situation, it looks like I wish to stand in the manure! A bit smelly, hmm

Lorna: Your post is appreciated, and yes, if you can see a person really suffering in an incarnation/personality it's a relief to see them released. In my case the person is lively and quite young though! As for now, I will take the 'avoid' approach you describe since I clearly can't reach her

Bring4th_Monica: Your lengthy posts are always appreciated, it feels like you write directly from your heart. And your soul is very beautiful.

You speak of mirrors, that all people are a mirror of your own self, and I believe this is a most vital truth to both understand and to live by. If all lived by it, and worked upon themselves according to the catalyst provided, this would truly be the fine, strong, moment of inspiration the planet would need to polarize towards harmony. Everything would zooooom to the heavens.

It's almost impossible for me to speculate why my friend reacts as she chooses, since she is shut. Analyzing other people's feelings/life is a work of futility in any case, for none knows the self better than the actual self, and no other-self, in this existence. So I do not wish to analyze her, but love her despite knowing. This poses a hard-learned lesson to my little rational mind which loves cause and effect and justifications.

I've been thinking of a quote these last days
"If you love all you need not think about right or wrong."
This also applies to being judgmental, for in you are in deeming things right and wrong. And by that idea I need not know my friend reacts as she chooses, but I can still love her for the unique and beautiful soul she is.
This also means you can be yourself always, without analyzing or manipulating anything.

Your best friend's situation may apply to mine still, where I am quite expressive by nature and do not think before I speak often. This indeed makes a great number of people uncomfortable, likely due to the suppressive aspects of them you describe.
I cannot think of any other reason, for if all knew/embraced themselves fully and accepted all others equally this would not be a problem.
This I attempt to do, and thus being my full self always, and obviously it brings complications...

I am constantly working with myself, and I will take your advice to look at myself in the mirror once more to this aspect of myself.

In the end, this is a choice of limiting myself at the 'respect' of others, or living my full self.
Either way is thick with the drama in this existence, but I'm surely leaning towards the latter. I do dislike manipulating/tricking others and myself.. how can I accept others if I can't accept myself and vice versa.

[Monica]

Bring4th_Monica: Your lengthy posts are always appreciated, it feels like you write directly from your heart. And your soul is very beautiful.

Wow, thanks for your kind words!

You speak of mirrors, that all people are a mirror of your own self, and I believe this is a most vital truth to both understand and to live by. If all lived by it, and worked upon themselves according to the catalyst provided, this would truly be the fine, strong, moment of inspiration the planet would need to polarize towards harmony. Everything would zooooom to the heavens.

Agreed! Looking at self and seeing the Creator, and looking at other-selves and seeing the Creator, are 2 key tenets of the Law of One.

So I do not wish to analyze her, but love her despite knowing. This poses a hard-learned lesson to my little rational mind which loves cause and effect and justifications.

That sounds like a wise decision! You are way ahead of me in that respect. I tend to analyze too much.

And by that idea I need not know my friend reacts as she chooses, but I can still love her for the unique and beautiful soul she is.
This also means you can be yourself always, without analyzing or manipulating anything.

Wonderful!

Your best friend's situation may apply to mine still, where I am quite expressive by nature and do not think before I speak often. This indeed makes a great number of people uncomfortable, likely due to the suppressive aspects of them you describe.
I cannot think of any other reason, for if all knew/embraced themselves fully and accepted all others equally this would not be a problem.

Agreed! In my friend's case, I have seen her change over the years. When I first met her, her expressive nature often translated to loud opinions that sounded judgemental. But she has softened that to a large degree. Now, she is much more sensitive about respecting others, while at the same time much more comfortable with her own nature. She once told me that, as she became more accepting of others, others became more accepting of her. I love her dearly and she is one of my favorite people in the world! She delights in little things...has such appreciation for stuff most people take for granted. For example, she can go in your backyard and notice a tiny spider and exclaim with delight how beautiful its web is! Or stand in awe at the color of the clouds at sunset. She truly does stop and smell the roses!

These passionate, expressive characteristics are her strengths. By being fully who she is, she helps the rest of us open up more. The world needs people like her! I am very grateful to her, for how her passionate, expressive personality has helped me personally.

There may be people in her life who don't appreciate her now, but perhaps they will later. It doesn't matter because they will attract what they need in their own lives. There are plenty of people who do appreciate her! For them (and this includes me), we are grateful that she has chosen to live fully rather than with limitations. Her light shines more brightly by living fully than by wearing sunglasses.

[Peregrinus]

Peregrinus: In my situation, it looks like I wish to stand in the manure! A bit smelly, hmm

In which case you have made a choice. Now then, why do you contemplate it so? To what further purpose does this contemplation serve other than to torment yourself? This is inefficient use of catalyst; catalyst is as manure. From it comes a choice. The wrong choice dictates that more manure will fall in the same spot until one makes the correct choice. Don't look up!

I've been thinking of a quote these last days
"If you love all you need not think about right or wrong."
This also applies to being judgmental, for in you are in deeming things right and wrong. And by that idea I need not know my friend reacts as she chooses, but I can still love her for the unique and beautiful soul she is.
This also means you can be yourself always, without analyzing or manipulating anything.

I judge up and down to be up and down, and even though it is just the illusion of up and down, judging one from the other serves a purpose because we swim in the illusion. This doesn't mean there is right or wrong in judging. Judging is just a way to understand a contrast to something else, a weighing of facts, as it were.

Yes you should love her, as that is both natural and is as it is supposed to be. You should also love STS entities, but it doesn't mean you should put yourself in harms way to suit their needs. Your primary role as an STOS entity is to take care of yourself; to be the lighthouse of light shining for others. If you have a burned out bulb, you aren't helping anyone else.

I was in a devastating relationship up until June '09 with a crack addict. The end of that relationship left me with an infant, penniless, homeless, and with almost nothing. In recovering from that relationship, I began the journey to where I am now. One of the things I have done is read read read, and that included several religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, and the Muslim faith (all leading me to the LOO). One thing that resonated with me came from the Buddhist faith, whereby one should love everyone, especially those that hurt them. Those that hurt one should be loved and respected as though a teacher, and this is so true. Were my teacher not to have been what she was, I would not be where I am.

Either way is thick with the drama in this existence, but I'm surely leaning towards the latter. I do dislike manipulating/tricking others and myself.. how can I accept others if I can't accept myself and vice versa.

You manifest your own reality. You have exactly what you have because you chose it to be so.

If one wants to understand their present, they must look to their past actions. If one wants to understand their future, they must look to their present actions. ~Chinese Proverb

[Brittany]

It has been my experience that some people simply do not resonate with each other. Sometimes this divergence in vibration can occur after a relationship has already been formed, as our vibrations are constantly changing. This does not mean that we should not respect each person for exactly what they are, but it also does not mean that we have to synch up with every one in every way. If we all matched up perfectly we would not be individuals but robots. In my opinion, and it is only my opinion, if this person truly needs to be away from your presence for a while, I would honor that request, letting it be known that you are completely open to further contact and will react out of love regardless of the situation. Sometimes people just really need their space. They need room to think. Forcing a relationship can only cause it to tear more quickly. I would simply try to step back and try to be content with knowing that love is universal. However, I know this is far easier said than done. Orange and yellow ray can hurt tremendously. I wish you strength and clarity in whatever action you decide to pursue.

_Lynn

[ayadew]

Thank you for all your advice.. I feel like I have forgiven her and myself for this, and I will indeed let her be herself as she wishes without my interference for now.

You are all very beautiful