Seeking healing from addiction to P*rn

[Malajube]

(note, if this is in the wrong sub forum, please let me know)

Hello my Brothers and Sisters in the Creator.

I am reaching out today in the hope of connection, support, and new perspective on an issue that I am dealing with. As the title describes, it is for an addiction to which I have struggled with for some time now. That addiction is to internet pornography. It is in my understanding of myself, that I see and believe clearly that I am addicted, that it is affecting my life, and inhibiting my ability to serve and experience the Creator and others of the Creation. I understand that this is an uncomfortable subject, and that it relates to the sexual expression overall which, I think that most would agree, our society has a very distorted background for which our citizen interact with. These distortions and rife with messages of cold and hot, of shame & repression contrasted with liberation, to which to some might call and others might experience as over indulgence. The feeling around which some,on both sides, are very emotionally impacted , and to my experience, many are very passionate about the case for the stances that they hold. I am coming to this forum, open to all perspectives that you, my family in the wide eye of All, may bring. I will do my best to genuinely hear your thoughts, and to receive them with thanks and love.

In that interest, I would repeat a line from an organization (FTND)

Not everyone who consumes pornography is “addicted.” As many experts agree, pornography consumption is a behavior that can, in fact, qualify as an addiction in serious cases. A number of studies have illustrated the similarity between substance addiction and compulsive pornography consumption

I wish not to judge or diminish anyone here regardless of their current relationship with pornography.  Just to invite open discussion.


I am not entirely sure how to begin this discussion. For me, these word come with difficulty. One particular thing that I would note, is that I have not found that it has been a central focus any threads in the case of pornography, and in general sexual energy is only occasionally referenced, mostly in quotes from Ra or sometimes Q'uo. So I suppose I am offering this a a place to focus some of the potential for this discussion.

As for my personal involvement with this issue, I suppose it would most aptly be described as a distortion of my orange ray, in how I relate to myself, and how that causes me to relate to others. I often struggle with urges and triggers, that lead to relapses and binging. My habits in my relationship to objects(media and devices) is important, as well as my relationship to people, whom are important in fulfilling needs(both sexual as well as emotional, mental, and spiritual) that I am meeting by abusing the pornography instead. The most important I think though, is my relationship to myself. That is the root of all of my other relationships.

To give just some insight into my personal struggle, I was first exposed to porn at the age of 8, regularly sought it out by 9, and by 13 I would say I began using it to cope with difficulty in my life, which may not be the line drawn to define addiction, but it is certainly within the gradient that is it's divide, and my use only escalated until roughly the age of 22. Now I am 28. I've lost a relationship of which I'd been involved with a woman for 3 years. She was and is the mother of a tender hearted young girl of whom I am not the father. That was and is a major motivation for me to heal this issue within myself, having seen the harms that I have caused by having it in my life. This problem with porn was a core issue involved in our separation, though many of the fractures were due to my own heart, to which I'd let in many negative and hurtful distortions into. That was over a year ago. I've managed to heal some anger and resentment that I held towards that relationship, but I still struggle with shame, and guilt(of which I understand the difference between the two, and work with their distinctions). I've been in 12 step, and a separate loosely 12 step based group/therapy. These started just towards the end of my relation ship. I've managed 4 months of sobriety, but relapsed and haven't been able to maintain that since. it'd gone from an average of roughly 25 days, and has dwindled to less than a week. That last development I believe is in part because I am no longer involved with any groups centered on healing the addiction as of ~2 months ago. I am only today seeking to alleviate that condition. As such, I am reaching out to you all on this forum!

I think that ends my opening, and I now invite your responses, for thoughts, feeling, encouragements, rebukes, experiences, corrections, or objections, and I thank you for all that I receive.

[Sacred Fool]

A skilled hynotherapist should be able to help you harmonise your conscious desire to move past this difficulty with your unconscious tendency to stay in it.  You might look into treatment of that sort.  It involves deep relaxation and openness to the intervention of your higher faculties of being.  In that sense it is a useful augmentation of spiritual work you may already be doing.

[Awizeking]

Hello, please help me to understand. You mentioned a sobriety of 4 months. Does that mean 100 percent absence? Also when you say down to 25 days does that suggest same 100 percent absence now down to less than a week? I believe in balance in all things, I don’t think sex with ourselves in necessarily bad only porn portrays things far from truth and often does disrespect to both man an woman. But I’m sure as you have contemplated this a lot you know this all to well. Back to balance, our sexual nature is one of our strongest primitive instincts and hold great power. Some say our sexual energy is the strongest in our body and a lot of us only know how to express ourselves sexually. Sex is a wonderful thing and first we should clear up the addiction part. If I interpreted your words correctly I don’t necessarily see an addiction but I am not in your shoes. Look into Turing your sexual energy into some sort of creativity. When you feel such urges doing some activities you enjoy, art, music, working out, writing and you will be channeling that energy into other parts of your body. As anything it will take practice but it’s impossible to practice and not see some result. Please write further so we can better assist.

[Malajube]

Hello, please help me to understand. You mentioned a sobriety of 4 months. Does that mean 100 percent absence? Also when you say down to 25 days does that suggest same 100 percent absence now down to less than a week? I believe in balance in all things, I don’t think sex with ourselves in necessarily bad only porn portrays things far from truth and often does disrespect to both man an woman. But I’m sure as you have contemplated this a lot you know this all to well. Back to balance, our sexual nature is one of our strongest primitive instincts and hold great power. Some say our sexual energy is the strongest in our body and a lot of us only know how to express ourselves sexually. Sex is a wonderful thing and first we should clear up the addiction part. If I interpreted your words correctly I don’t necessarily see an addiction but I am not in your shoes. Look into Turing your sexual energy into some sort of creativity. When you feel such urges doing some activities you enjoy, art, music, working out, writing and you will be channeling that energy into other parts of your body. As anything it will take practice but it’s impossible to practice and not see some result. Please write further so we can better assist.

Thank you for your thoughts.

To clarify, yes I mean total abstinence. The vocabulary used in most of these circles is PMO. Porn, masturbation, and orgasm.
And also, yes, I have heard the perspective of masturbation not being something that needs to be avoided and thought on it considerably. I say I do hold that belief still, but that is where the aspect that is addiction comes into play. The research coming out now, and all of this is just my untrained understaning of it, describes  how our minds are wired in relation to the object of addiciton and how that changes our experience of the world. Dopamine is the reward chemical. It is something that is supposed to help us feel pleasure in the great things, but also the smallest things. The breeze across our backs, the glimmer of the sun in the sky, the songs of birds, the smiles of friends, family, and strangers alike. When I have desensitized my mind's receptors for that, all of these things become duller, depending on how much and how often significantly duller.

To be plain, I had abused PMO for long periods of time, hours even tens of hours in my youth, for many or most days of the week. this is not natural in any sense, and I was using what I saw on the screen to get a constant stream of dopamine, it is quite similar to drugs when used in this fashion. When I do use it,I lack control and still binge for hours. I do it less often, but I have not shaken parts of the incredibly damaging patterns I've ingrained in my youth.

The reason for the abstinence is to let the brain heal itself. The dopamine receptors need time to resensitize, and neural pathways linked to arousal need to be changed. The research I am aware of suggests this process can take 3 months to 2 years. What I am experiencing will likely take 2 years, as internet pornography has been refined to be an extremely powerful super stimulus. Not that I am seeking to be abstinent for 2 years my personal goal is just 3 months, but I have read of others who have recovered from this addiction having problems with masturbation after only that amount of time and have it quickly lead to relapsing.

turning the energy into something creative is something I aspire to, but again I am rather unrefined in this aspect. some days are better than others. I read, I write some, and I am learning the guitar. I struggle sometimes, on the bad days. I try and turn to those things, and I can't focus on them. My mind will have strong pangs wanting to turn to what has made me feel good in the past, even if it leaves me feeling worse overall.

[IndigoSalvia]

I want to acknowledge your openness and seeking.

What I hear from your summary is a connection to your childhood and your relationship to self, so perhaps these energies run quite deeply, or these energies (actions, thoughts, feelings) have been with you for many years. With your awareness of this, you have probably done some searching/discovering of these connections.

Since I know little about the topic itself, I speak more broadly about shadow work. Self-love, slowly releasing judgment and balancing energies come to mind: holding and magnifying the energy that is 'less-than-desirable', and then balancing it by magnifying the opposite or complementary energy. When I balance complicated or big things, it takes me a while to peel back layer after layer, discovering more and more as I dig.

There are opportunities for self-judgment or criticism. I also find there is a place for love and gratitude/acceptance. I often find an understanding of what I've done: I grow to understand the why. And from that, there grows a sense of gratitude for the opportunity to look closely at self/other.

[Diana]

Here is a great thread exploring this subject:

SEXUAL ADDICTION! AND MALE-FEMALE ENERGY ROLES/ENERGIES

[Awizeking]

I can only speak from my experience and give my perspective and by no means do I say this is end all be all and all pervading truth, it only hold true for me. But I come from an additive personality and doing things that have not been healthy for me or the ones around because of my impulsive additive behaviors, so I might be able to shed some light.
There are 4 Instinctual fountains placed within us at our human creation, food, sex, sleep and survival. I personally don’t know of anyone who has all 4 perfectly regulated and the only ones I know who have them under conscious control are swamis and some monks. With that being said we need to regulate them and work with them. Trying to control them will only bring much suffering for most of us. As you stated that this has been going on for years so you have ingrained these habits or grooves into your mind very deeply. So it is very easy for your mind to travel in these deep grooves and for energy purposes it’s quite easy. When you are trying to do creative things and put your mind else where it’s hard for your mind to travel in these grooves because they are shallow and the connection is not as strong as the ones you created that cause you suffering. You need to be easy with yourself and take small steps. Set easy goals at first, maybe 2x a week, then 1x a weeks and maybe 3x times every two weeks, you see where I’m going. Be patient with yourself. I have gone very long without sex of any kind due to my Sadhana and put very strict disciplines on myself. I learned to have dialogue with my mind. Even if the wind blew on my skin I would get aroused and have sexual thoughts. Sex starts in the mind first where as the other 3 fountains start in body. When I would become aroused I would talk to my mind and say, it is not time for sex, remember when we get home in x amount of days we can make love to our wife but we cannot right now. Some days my mind would listen right away and some times I needed to have longer talks, Speaking kindly to my mind. I also talked to my mind before I slept so that it wouldn’t give me sexual dreams and release my seed in my sleep.
When we fall short of our goals especially ones where we are trying to better ourselves we can be extremely harsh on ourselves, damming ourselves and saying all kinds of awful things. All we can do is practice, practice, practice. It’s impossible to practice and not see results, the results may be slow but it is still results. You need to ingrain new habits into your mind and stop damming yourself for your sexual wants and or needs. Learn to regulate them, they are a huge part of you. Start telling yourself a new story on what sex means to you, what ever you want it to mean make it your mantra and it to will Ingrain into your mind. The other part of you that isn’t so pleasant will also be there and be a part of you except it and learn from it, don’t push it away.
If you have sought much help elsewhere and have been to a couple 12 step programs im sure you have heard 75 percent of this before. Maybe you need to learn how to decide and stick to your decision, create will power all while being gentle with yourself.

[Malajube]

Since I know little about the topic itself, I speak more broadly about shadow work. Self-love, slowly releasing judgment and balancing energies come to mind: holding and magnifying the energy that is 'less-than-desirable', and then balancing it by magnifying the opposite or complementary energy. When I balance complicated or big things, it takes me a while to peel back layer after layer, discovering more and more as I dig.

There are opportunities for self-judgment or criticism. I also find there is a place for love and gratitude/acceptance. I often find an understanding of what I've done: I grow to understand the why. And from that, there grows a sense of gratitude for the opportunity to look closely at self/other.

Thank you. I've tried this sort of meditation, and have struggled with it in the past. Magnifying the undesirable energies itself is difficult, and depending on what it is I have gotten stuck there, especially with anger, and at other times the emotions are difficult for me to magnify, especially shame and guilt. Summoning the opposite I am not always able to do.

I will say, a similar sort of work that is meant for interacting with the mind has been helping me in the past several days. It is a simple exercise to engage with negative or unwanted thoughts, often dealing with shame and guilt, but it seems just as well for any situation.
That is to, when a thought comes to you, acknowledge that you have that feeling and be accepting of yourself, acknowledge the truth or seeds of truth of the thought, and then add to the thought "but,...." and then add the thought more preferred, healthier, loving, encouraging, and empowering thoughts. I encountered it in a podcast, and so far it has been helpful.

Here is a great thread exploring this subject:

SEXUAL ADDICTION! AND MALE-FEMALE ENERGY ROLES/ENERGIES

Thank you Diana, I did not see that when I searched. I've spent just a bit of time reading through, and I see that there are many heartfelt posts that I already have taken much away from. I look forward to reading through this.

When you are trying to do creative things and put your mind else where it’s hard for your mind to travel in these grooves because they are shallow and the connection is not as strong as the ones you created that cause you suffering.

You need to be easy with yourself and take small steps...

Sex starts in the mind first where as the other 3 fountains start in body. When I would become aroused I would talk to my mind and say, it is not time for sex, remember when we get home in x amount of days we can make love to our wife but we cannot right now. Some days my mind would listen right away and some times I needed to have longer talks, Speaking kindly to my mind. I also talked to my mind before I slept so that it wouldn’t give me sexual dreams and release my seed in my sleep.

When we fall short of our goals especially ones where we are trying to better ourselves we can be extremely harsh on ourselves, damming ourselves and saying all kinds of awful things. All we can do is practice, practice, practice. It’s impossible to practice and not see results, the results may be slow but it is still results. You need to ingrain new habits into your mind and stop damming yourself for your sexual wants and or needs. Learn to regulate them, they are a huge part of you. Start telling yourself a new story on what sex means to you, what ever you want it to mean make it your mantra and it to will Ingrain into your mind. The other part of you that isn’t so pleasant will also be there and be a part of you except it and learn from it, don’t push it away.

If you have sought much help elsewhere and have been to a couple 12 step programs I'm sure you have heard 75 percent of this before. Maybe you need to learn how to decide and stick to your decision, create will power all while being gentle with yourself.

I have heard some yes, but I still find your perspective very helpful, thank you.

I have much learning to do with being gentle, and patient with myself. to have those longer talks with the parts of my mind that crave and want to shirk the burden of taking care of myself or of working towards something healthier or to wait for something much better. there are times My mind and body simply want the desire met, to feel good, and to no longer deal with the urge. I have done better in the past, but am making an earnest effort to stay this course.

I am trying to find what exactly I want sex to be. I have, I suppose a solid idea, of a loving connection that is commited to my partner, and that the sexual connection is an extension of that simpler, more foundational connection of commited love. At times I question where masturbation fits in, but as stated earlier my intention is to abstain for 90 days before I consider engaging with it w/o viewing any materials.



As aside to all else, I have recently, as of just yesterday, joined a group that is organized and centered on healing this particular wound. The head of the group is a spiritual person himself, but more than that he has a very genuine energy in his desire to help heal. There are other leaders that I have yet to meet, but I am most hopeful that this will be an amazing tool. It will give me much opportunity to engage and relate with others who have the same struggle and desire to heal.

[SolRgreen]

I deeply appreciate the awareness and love in what you write.

"I" have also been masturbating for quite some time, and though it did not occur for roughly 4 months here as well as I entered a phase of much confusion which might be called the dark night of the soul I felt less motivated.

That previous motivation was coming mainly from transient things and beliefs, I now know, such as feeling that I am incomplete and need to do this or that or I am guilty of not helping others and preventing destiny, or something.

I then had 2 major changes which have lead me to try a new approach though, the first was a month ago - Letting all my emotions just be, I cried for a few hours as I felt an extreme amount of suffering as I bathed in these negative emotions I had been shutting off (I feel that this was probably old identities I was still feeling tied to starting to collapse), but, this started to open up more space which allowed me to stop following a cycle I had been having for the past year and a half of motivated and unmotivated periods.

This brought, however, a lot more suffering as I did not know how to love myself and feel complete, I soon realized conceptually that guilt and many things did not really make sense, but, I just wanted to be loved, and also I felt as if I was wasting my potential by trying to "find motivation without x and y thing", feeling as if "this is impeding the service I must provide to others and is altering my brain, this might make it harder to be aware even!" (*that service to others = certain things I work on) 

At some point I had again the thought of being loved by one of my fictional characters, but, this time I saw it in a new way, as this imaginary character said "[...] I love you, I am you", and I began to feel myself as that character, feeling as if I was hugging and loving myself.

Sometime later that day I realized that I was just projecting the love I truly had for myself (as unchanging awareness) onto characters.

From here, by simply naturally working on self-inquiry and not judging what comes up the past few days I have had so many epiphanies, it also seems like now by letting my mind have it's addiction when it really wants it that it is no longer treating it like this taboo thing that's "oh I know this is bad, but I am addicted, oh mannn", but, genuinely, the chemical processes are beginning to see it more as annoying suffering when compared with silence, talking to others or eating in peace.

 Though, what leads to me feeling most happy I should note is rather that whatever happens with this, and no matter how lucid I am, and all this that changes, I am.

This has been quite an interesting writing journey, it has helped me also reflect on some things, and notice a few new things. I felt/feel like sharing the full story together with almost all that came up when I saw this thread, my signature applies 100 times multiplied for this reply  .

Edit: final note: I am deeply thankful to the videos of "Aaron Abke", which have helped me soooo much.

Thanks for reading friend, much love and peace to you.

[Sacred Fool]

Malajube, this is a very generalised reply and may not be of much assistance.  You're standing on the outside of this situation, looking inwards, and that's a useful thing, but maybe not where you will find a solution.  You may need to go one step further and stand within the larger system of which this problem is a part.  From there you are more likely to see solutions.  However, discovering what that larger system is a personal quest because the process of discovery is a part of the solution.