05-13-2022, 03:41 PM
Hello everyone, it’s strange as I write this how excited and yet how hesitant I am to write here. I’m very open and yet very intimate with what I am and what I have experienced. I’m not at all shy of sharing but maybe just a little bit scared, scared that maybe I would be misunderstood or seen as something other then what I am. I’m not worried of what other think of me but again this part of my life is intimate to me but if there is anywhere that I can share and be understood and or accepted it would be here. I could write so much with my experiences and my happenings that it would be a rather long read and I know how minds like to check out after some time so I will share the most profound experience in my life, though I have had many amazing things that I have experienced this is at the top. Please do enjoy, I hold this one very close to my heart. I will say however after this event in my life my learning and growth have been exponentially fast and vast which also led to my coming to the Ra material. Here is my experience:
So this happened Friday night, my wife went to work and I decided to go in my closet in absolute darkness and silence. I told my boys to please keep it down.
I began to meditate. Please see what I'm about to explain can only describe it it maybe 5 percent of the true magnitude of what I felt and thought. After some time of trying to stayed focused over an over I realized I was very deep within. Being conscious of my body was fading in an out. I remember losing all since of time. There is so so much I can explain but I will only hit the high parts.
I remember thinking that humans were a virus that all they do is consume and destroy but then it went a bit deeper and realized that it was the EGO that does nothing but consume. So I thought that I must search out this EGO and eradicate it. As I searched it out it keep eluding me, escaping some how. When I saw it around one corner I would look there and it was gone. I remember having this intense feeling and thought that it was the EGO that takes everything from me, my happiness, my joy, makes me lazy, consumes everything about me and who I truly am, it lies to me, it betrays me ect ect..... I remember getting very frustrated. What was holding me back could not be found or dispelled. I remember my body feeling as of empty space, like looking into outer space. Then I realized that my mind had no boundaries, again like empty space. I remember calling Krishna, speaking the Mantra, I remember speaking OM and nothing was working. I then became extremely frustrated, I was extremely mad and emotional. I remember saying enlightenment is so stupid (excuse my language) I remember saying f*** enlightenment, that this is so stupid. Why can't I find it, how long do I have to practice and meditate, I remember crying, grabbing my head, clenching my fist I was so mad. So mad I couldn't find it and have it, saying how long do I need to practice, and feeling as if I had made no real progress. I was enraged.
This part is very sensitive and absolutely crazy.
I remember crying and laughing simultaneously, screaming inside, laughing. I was having a psychotic break down and I knew it some how, my mind was literally breaking, splitting and cracking. I was so afraid, I was afraid my boys would come up, that my wife would walk in on me. I had no idea what time it was or how long I had been in the closet. I remember weighting the choice to keep pushing forward or to back off, I remember thinking that if I push forward I my never be the same and I have to go a mental hospital because I broke my mind. But I said to my self don't be afraid that I had to push through and so I did. What happened next words cannot described the magnitude of what I'm about to tell you.
A great force overcame me, something that was behind my mind, it has always been there but when my mind split it came forth. I was possessed an it spoke to me, my body began to shake and have tremors, like waves pushing and passing through me. While this was happening the voice told me that it wasn't going to hurt me, to not be afraid. It said this a few time. It said to me, don't be afraid. As I felt this intense wave of energy crawl up my body to the base of my skull on my spine, the voice keep saying "I am purging you, I am purging you" I asked what it was purging and it said "the darkness, the lies. it said this a few times. Let me add that this voice, this entity was using me to speak, like I was in the background listening and watching. My mouth and body was its vessel, my mouth was moving as it spoke. I was absolutely terrified. It sounded like a demon speaking through me. It sounded like a snake speaking through me. My breathing was extremely deep and long and it only spoke when I was breathing out and never spoke while I was inhaling. The waves of energy where so intense that I remember that I was just holding on for dear life, the waves were so powerful. I remember this force didn't feel evil or good that it was far beyond any of those. After the force was done purging me I assume, it continued to speak through me. It told me that I had awakened it and that it is here now and it's not going anywhere, that it was staying. It was saying to me "This is what you wanted isn't it" it repeated this a few times, that you have awoken me. As I was feeling terrified by the shear force and power of this thing it was saying "don't be afraid this is what you wanted" I asked it who it was and it said. "I am the destroyer of worlds, the universe and I give life to everything." It said "that I am you and you are me, we are the same. I asked why it was here and it said you wanted this. It began to tell me how I was wasting my life, that I don't love my wife and family as I should. It was very disappointed with me or at least that was the feeling and that it has givin me everything, life, comfort, love and family and I misuse it. And how I continue to ask for more when I have everything that I need. I felt like a child, it was very disappointed. It told me how to live (in a very good way) It also asked me to bring forth this ego I speak of and it would be rid of it but I couldn’t seem to find it, it repeated this, to bring this ego forward so I can dispel it. But I somehow realized I couldn’t bring it forward because it really didn’t exist then naturally the question and attempt just fell away. After this went on for some time ( no idea how long) the voice stopped and had this intense pressure at the base of my skull, it felt like my spine and head were going to explode. Like someone was filling a balloon until it popped. Right before it popped I got this feeling that if I push through I would lose everything, my family, my current life. That I would be changed forever that I would receive true enlightenment but I would be forever changed. I became very afraid and pulled back. I thought for a while and said to myself I cannot be afraid I have to do this, I assured myself that i wouldn't lose anything, that this was my ego afraid of dieing. So I ask the entity to come back and it came back. The pressure came back to my spine at the base of my skull, it was so intense that I was gritting my teeth, clinching my fist and holding on with everything I had. I thought to myself that I am resisting that I need to relax and let the energy flow. In this moment the ballon popped and my mind exploded into infinity. In this moment I knew I was enlightened. I began to laugh out loud, it was so hilarious and so trivial and so stupid. That what I was searching for was always there and so simple to find. All this fuss and stress for absolutely nothing, that what I was looking for was literally as simple as blinking my eyes. I could not stop laughing at the irony of it all. There is much more that happened afterwards but I have written enough.
So this happened Friday night, my wife went to work and I decided to go in my closet in absolute darkness and silence. I told my boys to please keep it down.
I began to meditate. Please see what I'm about to explain can only describe it it maybe 5 percent of the true magnitude of what I felt and thought. After some time of trying to stayed focused over an over I realized I was very deep within. Being conscious of my body was fading in an out. I remember losing all since of time. There is so so much I can explain but I will only hit the high parts.
I remember thinking that humans were a virus that all they do is consume and destroy but then it went a bit deeper and realized that it was the EGO that does nothing but consume. So I thought that I must search out this EGO and eradicate it. As I searched it out it keep eluding me, escaping some how. When I saw it around one corner I would look there and it was gone. I remember having this intense feeling and thought that it was the EGO that takes everything from me, my happiness, my joy, makes me lazy, consumes everything about me and who I truly am, it lies to me, it betrays me ect ect..... I remember getting very frustrated. What was holding me back could not be found or dispelled. I remember my body feeling as of empty space, like looking into outer space. Then I realized that my mind had no boundaries, again like empty space. I remember calling Krishna, speaking the Mantra, I remember speaking OM and nothing was working. I then became extremely frustrated, I was extremely mad and emotional. I remember saying enlightenment is so stupid (excuse my language) I remember saying f*** enlightenment, that this is so stupid. Why can't I find it, how long do I have to practice and meditate, I remember crying, grabbing my head, clenching my fist I was so mad. So mad I couldn't find it and have it, saying how long do I need to practice, and feeling as if I had made no real progress. I was enraged.
This part is very sensitive and absolutely crazy.
I remember crying and laughing simultaneously, screaming inside, laughing. I was having a psychotic break down and I knew it some how, my mind was literally breaking, splitting and cracking. I was so afraid, I was afraid my boys would come up, that my wife would walk in on me. I had no idea what time it was or how long I had been in the closet. I remember weighting the choice to keep pushing forward or to back off, I remember thinking that if I push forward I my never be the same and I have to go a mental hospital because I broke my mind. But I said to my self don't be afraid that I had to push through and so I did. What happened next words cannot described the magnitude of what I'm about to tell you.
A great force overcame me, something that was behind my mind, it has always been there but when my mind split it came forth. I was possessed an it spoke to me, my body began to shake and have tremors, like waves pushing and passing through me. While this was happening the voice told me that it wasn't going to hurt me, to not be afraid. It said this a few time. It said to me, don't be afraid. As I felt this intense wave of energy crawl up my body to the base of my skull on my spine, the voice keep saying "I am purging you, I am purging you" I asked what it was purging and it said "the darkness, the lies. it said this a few times. Let me add that this voice, this entity was using me to speak, like I was in the background listening and watching. My mouth and body was its vessel, my mouth was moving as it spoke. I was absolutely terrified. It sounded like a demon speaking through me. It sounded like a snake speaking through me. My breathing was extremely deep and long and it only spoke when I was breathing out and never spoke while I was inhaling. The waves of energy where so intense that I remember that I was just holding on for dear life, the waves were so powerful. I remember this force didn't feel evil or good that it was far beyond any of those. After the force was done purging me I assume, it continued to speak through me. It told me that I had awakened it and that it is here now and it's not going anywhere, that it was staying. It was saying to me "This is what you wanted isn't it" it repeated this a few times, that you have awoken me. As I was feeling terrified by the shear force and power of this thing it was saying "don't be afraid this is what you wanted" I asked it who it was and it said. "I am the destroyer of worlds, the universe and I give life to everything." It said "that I am you and you are me, we are the same. I asked why it was here and it said you wanted this. It began to tell me how I was wasting my life, that I don't love my wife and family as I should. It was very disappointed with me or at least that was the feeling and that it has givin me everything, life, comfort, love and family and I misuse it. And how I continue to ask for more when I have everything that I need. I felt like a child, it was very disappointed. It told me how to live (in a very good way) It also asked me to bring forth this ego I speak of and it would be rid of it but I couldn’t seem to find it, it repeated this, to bring this ego forward so I can dispel it. But I somehow realized I couldn’t bring it forward because it really didn’t exist then naturally the question and attempt just fell away. After this went on for some time ( no idea how long) the voice stopped and had this intense pressure at the base of my skull, it felt like my spine and head were going to explode. Like someone was filling a balloon until it popped. Right before it popped I got this feeling that if I push through I would lose everything, my family, my current life. That I would be changed forever that I would receive true enlightenment but I would be forever changed. I became very afraid and pulled back. I thought for a while and said to myself I cannot be afraid I have to do this, I assured myself that i wouldn't lose anything, that this was my ego afraid of dieing. So I ask the entity to come back and it came back. The pressure came back to my spine at the base of my skull, it was so intense that I was gritting my teeth, clinching my fist and holding on with everything I had. I thought to myself that I am resisting that I need to relax and let the energy flow. In this moment the ballon popped and my mind exploded into infinity. In this moment I knew I was enlightened. I began to laugh out loud, it was so hilarious and so trivial and so stupid. That what I was searching for was always there and so simple to find. All this fuss and stress for absolutely nothing, that what I was looking for was literally as simple as blinking my eyes. I could not stop laughing at the irony of it all. There is much more that happened afterwards but I have written enough.
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