The dark night of the soul.

[aWanderer91]

Hi all,

I wish to shed some light on my experience of the dark night of the soul, in the hope that it may help others who find themselves with this predicament, and also so it may inspire others to share their own stories as well.

At 20 years of age I had a spiritual awakening, after I had planned to kill myself. I made this decision quietly and it brought me much peace (apparently this decision is often made quietly among men, and they also find it quite satisfying once they have decided to do it).

One day, laying upon my sofa, I had a sudden spiritual awakening. I was not spiritual before hand (in terms of knowing anything about it, nor religious). It wasn't an extravagant experience to begin with, only my mind switched off for around 10 seconds or so. It was just pure simple awareness, then after 10 seconds thoughts began again but I felt different. I went to sleep that night and I woke up the next day to the most beautiful experiences of my life. It lasted for 2 weeks before I was plunged into the dark night of the soul, maybe I can share more of my awakening experience later.

After 2 weeks of pure bliss, love, light and clarity, I felt doubt creep in. I felt depression creep in. The ego clenched up tremendously and before I knew it I was lost once more. The 3rd eye shut down and I could no longer see my way, I felt angrier than ever and rage towards my past, amongst feeling frustrated at my lack of being able to perceive the creator anymore. My old ways of functioning became the norm all over again. For 11 years I have gone through the most intense catalyst. Shrouded by darkness (literally, if I close my eyes I can see darkness all around me, swirling). I've felt majorly blind sided while I have been working through major catalyst with family members, friends, my self and with the outer world at large.

What I wish to share most here, is what I've found to prolong my dark night of the soul the most and what has caused me the most havoc, has been my inability to let go. What started out with such bliss, love and light (my initial spiritual awakening) soon made me realise what a huge shift had taken place inside of me and I quickly became scared of how quick myself and reality had changed. That's when the ego doubts creeped in and the darkness began. A spiritual awakening is truly beautiful, but I would like to stress that it's MASSIVE when it happens, and takes some getting use to. The huge blast of love and light is quite the impact, it's a tremendous energy and the sudden awareness which brings empathic and psychic abilities is great to start with, until you realise "oh crap, I can actually know another's thoughts and feel their every emotion".

If you are going through the dark night of the soul, I can only call you to "let go". Surrender to the natural and organic intelligence that is taking place inside of you and trust that the creator, your higher self and your guides know how to work through this with you. I'm slowly but surely finding my way out of this dark place now, or should I say this darkness is falling away from me, since I have accepted that what happened has happened and I really don't know how to navigate life anymore (I never did to begin with, hence why I was in such despair and had a spiritual awakening). I do believe, and I want to word this carefully now, that after a spiritual awakening "free will" doesn't hold the same power anymore. You do have free will, to choose to awaken when you do and at what time, before incarnation. But after a spiritual awakening you are now under divine intelligent guidance and anything the ego tries will surely fail and have you hitting a brick wall. Everything I've tried to do from the ego to change my reality or re-create the initial awakening experience has only led to me being tangled up more and feeling more lost. It's only now that I've surrendered and accepted that I don't know the answers as to what I'm meant to do in life or how to do it, that I'm gradually finding peace again and it's a huge burden off my shoulders knowing that I don't have to have it all worked out.

I'm not completely in the clear yet, my relationships are still fractured but gradually repairing and I'm still coming off the back end of loosing a lot during this dark night, my green ray has really taken a pounding over these years. But I can slowly but surely feel flow entering into my life again, love coming back and I can sense a deeper intelligence at play to help me achieve my purpose and goals for this lifetime.

So, whether you have had a spiritual awakening or not, I call you to surrender. To let go of your hold on reality so divine intervention may take place and show you the way. Know that if you have had a spiritual awakening and find yourself in the dark night, that you're not alone, you may feel the most intense loneliness and confusion but you are having your hand held by the creator the whole way through. The creator (and yourself) would not give you anything you couldn't handle, and only if you are able to give way and hand over your will to the creator are you then able to realise that you don't have to work it all out on your own. Help is at hand, after all

I hope this helps someone!

[IndigoSalvia]

Thank you for sharing. Did you have the spiritual awakening and then feel suicidal, as a result of an intense spiritual awakening? Or reverse? 

Dark nights of the soul are hairy beyond belief. Not to make light at all, because mine was almost 20 years long. Ugh, that's a long time in human years. And it is like a slow crawling out of a dark hole ... the darkest and deepest hole.

Everything seems to crumble away, all of what I thought I knew about myself and the world around me. The 'rules of the game' no longer held sway for me. And the harder I grasped at my 'perspective', the longer the dark night lasted.   (ha ha, I laugh now)

And as you so wisely point out, there was, within me, a hanging onto some semblance of reality (firm ground that I could stand on) that it took me a very long time to 'let go' of. (Still am.) 

I had my way of viewing the world, and then there was the world as it is. And I wanted the world to be: loving, compassionate and collaborative. And, it wasn't going to be my ideal, no matter how hard I tried to make it. So, here I see that I was making a choice and was hoping to manifest my choice. Yet, I would say this choice was of non-acceptance: I was not willing to accept that the world - those about me - wasn't a loving and cooperative place.

And, there's a paradox here that I can't quite articulate.

It was only by letting go of the way I wished the world would be; accepting what is happening within and about me, and then seeing, oh there are choices here in this new landscape. And it seems that after the crumbling down, and as one is walking out of, there is a more expansive panorama. There is more acceptance.

My words hardly capture.

[Margan]

Wanderer your post reminds me of what I later came to recognize probably some kind of kundalini rising experience.
I was 29 at the time (those familiar with astrology will know that is the time Saturn returns and often causes problems) and had challenging times at work with a colleague - some kind of mobbing situation. (I later found out that it was mostly misunderstandings that probably could easily have been avoided but at the time I was quite unaware of the deeper dynamics at play)
I was desperate and felt utterly alone, since our boss was a coward and did not get involved nor try to help - he left me hanging there despite having promised something else....
one day I was home earlier than usual from work and I remember sitting outside on the lawn, it was such a beautiful sunny day. I pondered the situation and the dark clouds were hanging over me as usual, until finally something "clicked" inside - there was this thought "what if I try to view this from a different angle"..... and all of a sudden I felt a huge surge of energy, rising from bottom to top and it was as if someone had lit a light on top of my head.
I got up and started walking towards the park, smiling and laughing to myself. All the people stopped and stared, many were greeting me and started laughing also. I was so happy all of a sudden for no reason and life was beautiful!!!!
That night was the first night in weeks that I actually slept good. I was back to work the next day and my boss was very nice to me and the colleague and her other "helpers" which before had been teasing and torturing me with their exquisite little games were irritated and also a bit scared of me....
this bliss and happiness lasted for two-three days.... day 3 slowly doubts started creeping in.... I thought I had overheard something someone said....
the doubts increased and by the end of that day I was literally lying on the floor in my office, unable to move and I did not dare exit (i was alone at the time, they all had left) - I was so scared to confront the world.
I went home hours later and I was so paranoid I felt people smirking at me and the darkness was there again, a lot worse than before.
I went to a psychologist who put me on sick leave and wanted to confine me to a mental hospital. Somehow I managed to avoid that and I was lucky to find a new job rather soon... I never went back to that other job (I think I sneaked there at a weekend in order to pick up the stuff I had left on my desk but that was it)....
I did not comprehend what had happened and only years later when I read about kundalini I started to understand.
But the experience and especially the dark dark night that followed left a mark and for a while I was very cynical and also a bit afraid of new age or spiritual stuff, since I could not forget how huge the backlash had been and I felt such a failure and a hopeless case.

[aWanderer91]

Firstly, thank you for what you've shared IndigoSalvia, it's heart warming to know that others have experienced this too. Not the suffering, but the alienation and darkness that we've shared makes one know that we're not alone.

I felt suicidal first, and it wasn't exactly feeling suicidal in terms of something I had contemplated for a long time. While I was in anguish, I just kind of had a brain wave one day like "oh, I can actually kill myself, I really don't have to put up with this suffering" and that's when I made my decision.

The awakening did lead to me feeling suicidal, for many years. But I understand that it's the death of the ego I wanted, not to actually really die. I do yearn to be in time/space and to be back with my original soul family, but I also understand that while I'm here I have a job to do and my mission isn't completed yet.

I really appreciate your words and quite rightly, it's only when one has accepted their current predicament and reality, that suddenly infinite possibilities open up.

[aWanderer91]

Thank you for sharing your story Morgan, I really hope that now you understand you're not a failure or a hopeless case. Your story was very inspiring

The spiritual path is quite the whirlwind at times, but it seems with faith, patience and will that we eventually find our feet and can see clearly once more.

Having "bring4th" helps a lot, it's a great place to share and serve and always reminds us that we're not alone.

[Margan]

I think my story highlights a couple of things and maybe thus can help others in similar situations.
First - experiences like that can indeed be a bit dangerous if one is totally unprepared such as I was ...
and it illustrates quite nicely how important the role of MIND is in all this.
Because it started with a certain mindset - "how about i view all this from a different angle" - and it ended with another mindset and doubts creeping in and my giving food to those doubts....
which is what most spiritual teachers talk about. Be careful of what your (egoic) mind tells you, it will always try to trick you... especially after uplifting spiritual experiences it will try to trigger your weak point (because the ego knows you very well, it has been with you all the way) and try to dissuade you.
As they say "the mind can make heaven a hell, and a hell out of heaven"
it is all a matter of perspective.

[aWanderer91]

I really loved this response Morgan, thank you!

If one is unprepared it can really take a toll, that's where we are lucky to have teachers, spiritual media (YouTube etc) and books at hand to give us the information to set us straight. However, it's not always a guarantee that one will find these and it seems some awareness of what an "ego" is and how it can be so cunning and clever, is always needed after a spiritual awakening. Otherwise we fall prey to its traps

[Margan]

Wow that was a lovely Freudian slip to call me Morgan....
Morgan Pronunciation of Morgan ▼ as a girls' name (also used less commonly as boys' name Morgan) is pronounced MOR-gen. It is of Welsh and Old English origin, and the meaning of Morgan is "circling sea or great brightness; bright or white sea dweller".
I like that

[aWanderer91]

I changed it once and then put it back, after reading more of your description!

I like that too, it suits you well

[Margan]

"The White Sea (Russian: Белое море, Béloye móre; Karelian and Finnish: Vienanmeri, lit. Dvina Sea; Nenets: Сэрако ямʼ, Serako yam) is a southern inlet of the Barents Sea located on the northwest coast of Russia. "

Wow I did not know there was actually a white sea - and here is your explanation why I am passionate about that other subject. The one with the train wreck