I have a dilemma

[888]

i can feel your pain. i also feel despair. i wish more people would talk about this. i want you to remember this. despite what everyone says this world is fundamentally sts and everyone in it is sts too. even the wanderers. the cassiopeans said so btw.
earth is in the process of change. the shift to fourth density will take a few centuries to be completed. by then earth will be sto.
i know Ra might say earth is 4d sto now but you know time works much differently for them.
remember that we are in a prison of sorts. to the higher ups we could be considered scum but they care for us and want to free us from this prison, the prison that is the matrix.
now you can join the matrix and be rich and all that or you could rise above it. leave this planet and live in a heavenly realm instead of going into a hellish one after youve polarized negatively.
this is what you need to remind yourself of. in this world yes we are losers. but this world is temporary. the price is too high at least for me personally. you have to decide for your own. it might seem like its worth it but if you ever manage to contact intelligent infinity your perception will increase dramatically. even if you are just out of body its like youre someone else. your thought process expands. etc... trust me the veil keeps a lot of things in you and it makes you believe wrong things. this was designed to be this way. they wanted it to be dramatic. dont fall for it like the guy in the matrix. in the end its all an illusion, a very strong one.
i myself strive for power. i know its a bad thing but in the end i know powerful is not the one who thinks he is in control, it is he who is able to let go. to be in control is to be controlled. the very things that make the negatives powerful keep them chained.

I think the assumption that all positively polarized entities are broke, oppressed, or losers in the world is false.

Sometimes you might see those stories about positively polarized people just being good to everyone, and then somehow all of that comes back to them not only spiritually, but physically too. I work with this yoga youtube channel often, and they seem to be positively polarized. They also have millions of views and subscribers, and the apparent freedom to travel to exotic locations and film videos (pre-COVID) on a regular basis.

https://www.youtube.com/c/bohobeautiful/featured

Then there are people who don't seem to attract success, stability, or security just by being positive. Whether it's true or not, I worry that I might be one of those people, that if I just surrender to the universe, I won't be free while I'm alive, and I'd just have to accept it.

I get anxious that the path for my current incarnation is just a series of traumas and humiliations that I have to forgive. Maybe that's not true, but if I dig deeper and it turns out that it is, I reserve the right to change my mind from that path and walk away from it at any time. I'd prefer not to exercise that option, but I'm entirely willing to use it if it comes down to it.

I'm fully aware of positivity being the 'correct' choice from the perspective of many people. Then I try to love unconditionally, and I get deeply uncomfortable with it. I begin to feel like it's corny, I start to worry that I'm being weak or a pushover, I get very anxious that bad things could happen and I'd have no choice but to just forgive and love people if they do happen.

What fired me up before, and still fires me up deep down, is the thought of dominating people and situations. It gives me the energy to get up and face the day. It also does make me feel that I'm in tune with the divine. Both paths are valid ways of transcending the 'matrix,' and opposite sides of the same coin, as repulsive as the negative path often appears.

What I want is to maintain the confidence, the ability to function at a high level, the mental stability, the attractiveness, the sense of drive and purpose I felt on the negative path, without going all the way and becoming a total psychopath. If I can balance that with positivity, by working with the duality that exists in all entities and transcending it, integrating my shadow, et cetera, I'll do it.

These are my terms. I will only proceed in a way where I can maintain that stability and sovereignty, and I refuse to live in any other way. No compromises.
___

A few side notes: I've contacted intelligent infinity before.

The general consensus on the Cassiopaean transcripts is that the channel is compromised and leading people astray.

https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=17447

Each chose a fourth-density planet which was dedicated to the pursuit of the understanding of the Law of One through service to self, one in what you know as the Orion group, one in what you know as Cassiopeia, one in what you know as Southern Cross; however, these loci are not satisfactory. (11.12)

[flofrog]

I honestly think that most of us have programmed our incarnation, on this forum, and are positively oriented. And some of us have programmed that incarnation with some affluence and some others with especially little so it’s really a path chosen before, and not a sign we are not incarnating well, or it is our fault or something...

[Black Dragon]

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[/quote]


Then there are people who don't seem to attract success, stability, or security just by being positive. Whether it's true or not, I worry that I might be one of those people, that if I just surrender to the universe, I won't be free while I'm alive, and I'd just have to accept it.

I get anxious that the path for my current incarnation is just a series of traumas and humiliations that I have to forgive. Maybe that's not true, but if I dig deeper and it turns out that it is, I reserve the right to change my mind from that path and walk away from it at any time. I'd prefer not to exercise that option, but I'm entirely willing to use it if it comes down to it.


[quote]

I see myself mirrored in these statements. That's what a lot of my fears and reservations are based on. I refuse to accept a life of martyrdom and arbitrary suffering just for being a decent person and having a few distortions. That being said, I equally reject the idea of becoming a sociopathic STS cunt who makes innocent people miserable, because I'd become the very thing I hate, so that, to me, would be as big or bigger a loss/defeat/surrender as being a martyr. I reject both of those ideas with equal harshness and defiance. There is a certain small comfort and feeling of strength in that rebellion. No matter what, I will stick by my principles against both the path of martyrdom or predatory cuntitude.

This is not veiled ignorance. It's not the sinkhole of indifference. It's deliberately choosing integrity, sovereignty, and self-direction over dogmatic bullshit. Maybe (hopefully) you'll find that a tiny bit helpful, or maybe it will piss you off and make you think I'm a jackass. Honestly? I do want to help as best I can and I wish you the best, but I really don't give a f*** what you end up thinking about me, I'll simply speak my truth as I see it and hope it helps. You are your own authority.

[Sacred Fool]

 
Well, one thing I can say for you guys, you have some genuine awareness of your personal suffering.  I mean by this that, back a few decades ago, the average person's confusion to clarity ratio would likely have been tipped far more in the direction of confusion than today.  We're just more oriented towards and more supported in doing this work these days.  I say this to offer some encouragement in the sense that you're likely further along now than you would have been then because so many others have widened that trail ahead of you.

What I more deeply wish I could offer you is a view of the work you're engaged in during this brief incarnation from the perspective of your soul stream.  It would all feel much different to you if you could get some sense of that.  Personally, over many years of working with clairvoyants I have gotten some sense of this, but your own path there--should you find one--is not something I can point out to you.

I can say this, however: living a life of disentangling one stinking internal morass after the next after the next does eventually have small some rewards, none of which, in my case, are material.  As one's vibration loses noisiness and gains in signal strength, as blockage after unexpected blockage is healed, one begins to enjoy a greater sense of wholeness, and the work becomes easier, more focused and more rewarding.  It's like having a long term project car.  After repairing the drive train, the front end, the interior, etc., the day comes when you can get in the thing and drive around, and it becomes, so to speak, your instrument.  In the case of doing the hard, miserable, lonely inner garbage collecting and sorting and repairing, that "instrument" is your own consciousness.  What could possibly be more rewarding than having/being a consciousness of significant magnitude as a result of your own humble workmanship?
 
 

[888]

I'm aware of the length of this incarnation being a tiny drop compared to the ocean of the soul. It doesn't weigh on my decision making process.

100 years, 75,000 years, 1 million years, all of that is nothing for a soul with a lifespan of eternity. We also veil our consciousnesses to feel things more deeply and realize things we wouldn't realize without the veil. I'll pursue whatever I feel the most deeply after weighing all my options, because they're all guaranteed to produce results. If I end up taking a gamble that turns out to be 'wrong,' spending thousands of years to counterbalance it is also just a drop in the ocean.

I've had times where I felt a sense of eternity mixed with cosmic horror. Since 2013, I've had several times every year where I wondered if everything was just an endless loop, if the reward of conventional enlightenment was just hitting the reset button on this universe, and then spending another eternity in another series of incarnations across all of their densities, or whatever system they have, with a different set of rules and maybe physics, but still more suffering. If that nagging feeling is true and the entire program is based on suffering, even past complete enlightenment in this universe, then I'll investigate every possibility of breaking free entirely.

I did go with a perspective based on the Law of One because it seemed like there was a far deeper logic to it than the Gnostic thought I was more aligned with before. Those other theories of the universe and this planet being a prison resonated with parts of me on an emotional level, but they had inconsistencies and gaps that the Law of One doesn't.

Anyways, I'm only going to live in a way where I can feel stable, strong, passionate, dignified, and generally happy. At this point, I'm not sacrificing any of that for any version of enlightenment offered, because that might not be enlightenment anyways. Going with whatever I feel the most deeply, regardless of what it turns out to be, may also be the most valuable lesson for my eternal self.

[Sacred Fool]

I'm aware of the length of this incarnation being a tiny drop compared to the ocean of the soul. It doesn't weigh on my decision making process.

Not to overstate this, but I wasn't speaking of knowledge through reading, but experience through communion with one's soul stream...to whatever extent that may be.  The effect is quite different, I can assure you.  The difference, I would say, has to do with lingering--or not--sense of separation from a longer sense of self.  That feeling of potential doom (to some degree) which you express is what I'm responding to here specifically.  In a context of communion, the journey feels far more collaborative because one's entire sense of self(/selves) feels more collaborative and not as a dark burden one must bear alone.  However, as stated above, although that sense of communal joy is something I wish I could share with you, Old Other Self, in fact, it is a pathway you must uncover on your own, ironically.

Anyways, I'm only going to live in a way where I can feel stable, strong, passionate, dignified, and generally happy. At this point, I'm not sacrificing any of that for any version of enlightenment offered, because that might not be enlightenment anyways. Going with whatever I feel the most deeply, regardless of what it turns out to be, may also be the most valuable lesson for my eternal self.

These are good guideposts, and yet, if you are being shepherded by mutable feelings, will your course be true?  Along with these feelings--or maybe through these feelings--I hope you will seek deeper, more constant emotions to guide your search for your identity in spirit.  At deeper levels of self may lie more "plangent" voices calling you thither.

I wish you godspeed, as we used to say.
  
  

[TheAmbiguousSod]

Everyone’s messages have been lovely. It is wonderful to see a group trying to understand together. I have no answers I’m afraid, I have been where you have been and I am aware that I would not have accepted the truth at the time.

It was only due to breaking down and being in complete terror that I was able to see the folly in the world I was creating. I was being hateful towards the powers that be, I was scared all the time, unworthy constantly. I still attempt to deal with unworthiness daily, however, the moment that changed everything was when I accepted responsibility for everything and every moment I have ever experienced.

I am sorry that you have received racist abuse and have had a somewhat more challenging life compared to others. This only proves to me that you have programmed yourself for intense growth and change, you and your higher self sat long and hard planning this life with your guides.

Sometimes the picture changes but the lesson being offered remains the same. If you can hand on heart say that you’re satisfied in being STS then I encourage you to do so, and fast. The fact you’re posting on this forum indicates me to believe that you’re asking for help, you know you don’t want to go down that path and you want the fruits of love and compassion.

Unfortunately, we cannot give what we don’t have. We cannot love others without loving ourselves and ourselves are not what we believe they are.

There is a wonderful book called the power of now, I would recommend it. When I stopped identifying with the voice in my head, the ego, I began to hear the voice of our creator, that’s our real voice. It speaks in silence and it loves you.

May we all prey that you learn the lessons being offered to you. May you find what you are seeking and may you rise up every time you fail. There is a long queue of souls here and only those with the possibility of graduating are incarnate, you are worthy and you can do it. The creator isn’t playing a game of cat and mouse, snatching away enlightenment when it’s close.

The creator created love, everything else is the creation of man and can only exist in the mind of man, separate from the creator. Therefore, it is perceiving being separate that enables anything over than love to exist. I ask you honestly, does separation appeal more to you than unity?

Sometimes I realise I am seeking the one to rid myself of suffering. This may be so, I believe if those that are enlightened do not attempt to share that with man, then it will fade, for why do we seek to gain if not to share it with others?

I can assure you that the STO path will not relinquish your suffering. It will make you hurt to see your brothers and sisters hurt, it is this that will motivate you to help them. I wish you only the best and I ask that you try to find compassion for yourself. You’re a strong soul and it would be an honour to have you with us in 4th density. Love/light

[11celia11]

The culture of this generation (I'm in my 20's) also has a strong negative influence, and I feel far more isolated when I feel wrong in expressing negative emotions or sentiments, which are common among most social circles I find.

Hi 888. I'm also in my 20s (early) and have a similar experience to you. I get along well with older people, I have a few close friends in their 30s. Sending you love and light ~*~*~*

[888]

Thank you for the replies. I've reflected on everything all of you said but I'm not ready to forgive people yet.

I'm just going to use this thread to vent or post insights I have as they come to me. I dislike pity and I have no desire for sympathy or attention. All of this is for the purpose of unpacking and analyzing my experiences as objectively as possible. If it somehow gives other people a better understanding of polarity or their own experiences, cool.

I have more understanding of where my attraction to the negative path comes from now. It's a defense mechanism against any kind of perceived failure on my part, rejection, or humiliation, whether it's real or imagined.

When I was a kid, my parents constantly screamed at me and essentially told me I was worthless for any mistake (they've made fairly significant efforts to make amends much later on). I'd lose access to cable, internet, and video games for years at a time as punishments. It's a first world problem, but I felt depressed and deprived and alienated about it. Other kids didn't want to come to my house because there was nothing to do. I started contemplating suicide at 8.

Then when I was a teenager, my mentor did the same thing, going from intelligent, friendly, and charismatic into absolute rage at the sign of any 'mistakes' I made. There was an art-based component to this teaching, and the twisted part is that it worked well, in a way. I had some artistic talent before, but working with this person increased my technical skills considerably. His requirements were that I complete an exercise like the one on the left daily, and multiple portraits like the one on the right weekly.



This was in addition to other 'coaching' he'd give me that was supposed to one day make me successful and a 'good person,' along with an already intense regular school schedule. I got 3-4 hours of sleep a night on average that year. Any minor mistake I made (which could even be having a haircut he didn't like) would result in hours of him screaming and threatening me, which I mentioned before. But the worst part of it was how much he could get into my head. I looked up to this person and I saw my art and some other parts of my life temporarily improve because of him, and he knew a lot about me after working with me. He had the philosophy he created based around the word 'service,' and he used it as a psychological weapon. He'd use this to convince me that any mistake I made was because I was inherently bad or that something was wrong with me, and all of it was evidence of me being an unlikable and selfish person who nobody wanted to be friends with or date. On some level I knew this wasn't true, especially because the ridiculous schedule gave me no time for a social life anyways, but I internalized it deeply at the time.

I remember him being in my house once on New Years Eve (my parents gave him access to our house for a while because they were so happy about him helping me get into a prestigious college). I had recently made new friends after finally getting some free time, and one of them invited me to a New Years event but forgot to text me the details, which he later apologized for. I was too insecure to remind him. Then my mentor found me and started screaming at me about how I was alone on New Years because I was a selfish and repulsive person, and how I should be working with him more. You get the picture at this point.

Two years after this, I had multiple psychotic breaks from all the trauma, sleep deprivation, and drugs I eventually turned to, to escape. I actually did freak out and lose all my friends after, multiple times. I'd start over somewhere else and make new friends after having a massive breakdown, then after a few months to a year, I'd have another breakdown and lose all the new friends I made, as well as education, jobs, and so on. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Experiencing all the loss and abandonment and rejection, on top of the other insecurities, I turned to a superiority complex for a coping mechanism. I wouldn't show it directly, but deep down I believed that surviving everything made me stronger than everyone, and that my talents and work ethic made me better than everyone. And if I felt like someone was disrespecting me, I would just look down on them instead. It made me even more driven to become wildly successful, and I developed a lust for power from it, which I still have. Every failure and every breakdown drove me deeper into the hole, with a desperate need to become successful and powerful to get out.

Depression is rage turned inwards. Whenever I make any minor mistake, or experience any type of rejection or humiliation, whether real or imagined, some part of me relives all of the abuse and gaslighting. At some point, I got tired of internalizing all the rage I felt, and I directed it towards the world as a survival mechanism. First it was unsophisticated, manifesting as mental breakdowns and lashing out indiscriminately. When I started getting a handle on myself, I organized it and sophisticated my approach, and used it for dark magick. That's when I stopped experiencing complete breakdowns. It allowed me to materialize my negative energy and trauma in a controlled way, use it to make myself more functional and attractive, and prevent it from overwhelming me.

The negative path gave me a structured outlet for my rage, and made me feel powerful and secure. If anyone tried to victimize me, I'd find a way to destroy them, enjoy it, and have a completely clear conscience. It gave me hope that I'd have the success to make up for everything that I'd lost. The seductive and magnetic qualities of negative energy allowed me to attract all types of people easily. It ticked most of the boxes that I was looking for, to get out of the despair and self-hatred I was in. And I'm still looking for other ways to tick those boxes.

[Sacred Fool]

It may well be that you programmed these difficult elements of your current incarnation in order to bring you to exactly the point where you are, that of choice. And I can see how subterranean option appears to offer a more balanced sense of self than the other. And yet, of course, the darker path is, at the same time, less balanced because it deflects you from experiencing the transcendent resonance of your own heart. But then, you're not moving very quickly in that direction anyhow, are you?

Rereading one of your posts above, I thought, if one only had access to first and second chakra conscious awareness, how would one feel in a social situation, not having the energetic apparatus to comfortably vibrate there: being able to conceptualize the experience, but not really feel it when one is in it? I thought about that as an analogy to how it feels to see love--in real life, but as if it were in a dream or vision--and have no capacity to give or receive it with capacious resonance. It just feels off, it doesn't add up. However, when one does have facility with that capacious resonance, with but a knowing glance, it can all click into place like the last pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. One feels the support of all one sees, of the universe.

I expect that if you were to seek out this level of consciousness, it would be so very, very painful to begin to experience what has been so dearly missing from your life for so long. (Don't ask me how I know that, but it has to do with me, not so much you.) Because the pathway to the loving heart is so murky and slippery, beginning in the zone you are now, well, yes, it might be better to avoid the sunlight and remain traveling in the goblin caves until you reach end of this life's road. That would be the more expedient choice. And when it's over, you can re-evaluate and move on from there.

[flofrog]

888, I am just curious as iam a painter and my drawings look strangely renaissance , did you follow up on drawing

[888]

888, I am just curious as iam a painter and my drawings look strangely renaissance , did you follow up on drawing

I haven't created art seriously in several years. Every once in a while I make something, maybe once in several months.

[888]

I'm going to keep using negative energy for its benefits and make zero effort to love people who I genuinely don't love at this time, for the sake of my stability and sanity. This doesn't include blatant manipulation or exploitation for its own sake, of people who I have no ill will towards, at this time. But I embrace the power that comes with consciously using dark emotions, magnetic energy, and domination.

Three things can happen here:

1. I reach a point where I naturally feel OK with myself and other people, and my heart opens organically, or forgiveness at least becomes less risky for my mental stability. Dark emotions naturally take on a new context for me, conducive to positive growth.
2. I go very deep into the negative polarity, becoming negatively harvested.
3. I end up somewhere in between and repeat the cycle.

Both outcomes 1 and 2 are completely fine with me. We'll just see where it goes.

Some of my background is in Daoism. I'm a proponent of Wu Wei (without effort) and doing what one naturally feels after introspection and intuition. I also have a background in Chaos Magick. All paths of growth are valid, and I have no intrinsic attachment to any paradigm. If it works, it works.

[Black Dragon]

I'm going to keep using negative energy for its benefits and make zero effort to love people who I genuinely don't love at this time, for the sake of my stability and sanity. This doesn't include blatant manipulation or exploitation for its own sake, of people who I have no ill will towards, at this time. But I embrace the power that comes with consciously using dark emotions, magnetic energy, and domination.

Three things can happen here:

1. I reach a point where I naturally feel OK with myself and other people, and my heart opens organically, or forgiveness at least becomes less risky for my mental stability. Dark emotions naturally take on a new context for me, conducive to positive growth.
2. I go very deep into the negative polarity, becoming negatively harvested.
3. I end up somewhere in between and repeat the cycle.

Both outcomes 1 and 2 are completely fine with me. We'll just see where it goes.

Some of my background is in Daoism. I'm a proponent of Wu Wei (without effort) and doing what one naturally feels after introspection and intuition. I also have a background in Chaos Magick. All paths of growth are valid, and I have no intrinsic attachment to any paradigm. If it works, it works.

You do you. Can't force anything to happen if your just not feeling it. I have a lot of baggage from childhood as well, but one thing I've sort of noticed about society and bad influences is that it seeps into people's lives from the governing structures right down to the family unit so insidiously that in many cases parents acting in authoritarian manners with ass-backwards ethics and psychologically damaging their children is sort of the norm, not the exception, and although everyone has choices, it's not 100% their fault.

These structures are so pervasive and subtle abuse is passed from generation to generation when people think they are doing the right thing for one reason or another. It wouldn't be so pervasive if not for the influence of ET and higher density negative beings on our society. Beings like Belial and the others you tried to summon at one point. Nobody's forcing you to forgive wrongs that were done to you if you are not ready to, but I'm just trying to warn you against the "allure" of the STS path because then you would literally be taking the side of the forces that are responsible for your misery in the first place. To me that would be absolutely stupid and pathetic, weak, defeatist, and powerless, and I don't think you are pathetic or stupid enough to give your power away to the forces that have orchestrated all your misery. You would be right to be angry at THEM, if anyone.

They are the ones who sew the seeds in our society for the types of attitudes and behaviors your parents displayed towards you as a child. They are the ones who pull the strings on worthless teachers like that guy who was "mentoring" you, although he seems like he consciously chose this path and was actually dedicated to STS pretending to be otherwise. If you can't forgive people who were simply swayed by these forces into being a*******, then why did you, at one point, turn to them for power? It's their influence that made our society what it is and your parents what they were towards you. There is a huge irony and lack of consistency there in turning to them for power.

Also, you keep saying the STS path is "valid", and while from a purely objective/cosmological view that may be true, that's like saying you can forgive all the evils in the world as long as they happen to somebody else, but when they happen to you, they are not valid or forgivable. Child rape? Valid. Genocide, exploitation, corruption, valid. Racism and hate, valid(except the times it happened to you...). Parents being a*******? Not valid. Totally unforgiveable. I'm not trying to judge, just pointing out the huge dichotomy here so you can examine it and discern some things for yourself.

Thankfully, it seems you've steered away from those sorts of delusions that caused you to turn hardline to the STS path and try to summon dark forces and now are just going to live your life being honest about what you feel. I wish you well with that, and hope things come together for you.

[dexter101]

.

Then there are people who don't seem to attract success, stability, or security just by being positive. Whether it's true or not, I worry that I might be one of those people, that if I just surrender to the universe, I won't be free while I'm alive, and I'd just have to accept it.

I get anxious that the path for my current incarnation is just a series of traumas and humiliations that I have to forgive. Maybe that's not true, but if I dig deeper and it turns out that it is, I reserve the right to change my mind from that path and walk away from it at any time. I'd prefer not to exercise that option, but I'm entirely willing to use it if it comes down to it.

I see myself mirrored in these statements. That's what a lot of my fears and reservations are based on. I refuse to accept a life of martyrdom and arbitrary suffering just for being a decent person and having a few distortions. That being said, I equally reject the idea of becoming a sociopathic STS cunt who makes innocent people miserable, because I'd become the very thing I hate, so that, to me, would be as big or bigger a loss/defeat/surrender as being a martyr. I reject both of those ideas with equal harshness and defiance. There is a certain small comfort and feeling of strength in that rebellion. No matter what, I will stick by my principles against both the path of martyrdom or predatory cuntitude.

This is not veiled ignorance. It's not the sinkhole of indifference. It's deliberately choosing integrity, sovereignty, and self-direction over dogmatic bullshit. Maybe (hopefully) you'll find that a tiny bit helpful, or maybe it will piss you off and make you think I'm a jackass. Honestly? I do want to help as best I can and I wish you the best, but I really don't give a f*** what you end up thinking about me, I'll simply speak my truth as I see it and hope it helps. You are your own authority.

hey there dragon,
think about how jesus felt when he first found out about his destiny. acceptance is the sto way. no matter what comes.yea you may be miserable but in accepting that you are in your mind at least free from suffering.
you know? you might be starving but in your mind you are totally at peace. thats nirvana. it is not a place but rather a state of mind. you might suffer in this world but if you are sto and truly awakened you will be free in your mind.

i know most of the time people will want the best of both worlds. they want security,money and or fame and of course love. but neither of those things are possible. you have to surrender to one of those ideals. be it positive or negative.
this is a fundamental flaw with the law of attraction movement. they think they can be millionares and good people. but we all know the truth. deep down....

i hope you make it. good luck.

[Black Dragon]

.

Then there are people who don't seem to attract success, stability, or security just by being positive. Whether it's true or not, I worry that I might be one of those people, that if I just surrender to the universe, I won't be free while I'm alive, and I'd just have to accept it.

I get anxious that the path for my current incarnation is just a series of traumas and humiliations that I have to forgive. Maybe that's not true, but if I dig deeper and it turns out that it is, I reserve the right to change my mind from that path and walk away from it at any time. I'd prefer not to exercise that option, but I'm entirely willing to use it if it comes down to it.

I see myself mirrored in these statements. That's what a lot of my fears and reservations are based on. I refuse to accept a life of martyrdom and arbitrary suffering just for being a decent person and having a few distortions. That being said, I equally reject the idea of becoming a sociopathic STS cunt who makes innocent people miserable, because I'd become the very thing I hate, so that, to me, would be as big or bigger a loss/defeat/surrender as being a martyr. I reject both of those ideas with equal harshness and defiance. There is a certain small comfort and feeling of strength in that rebellion. No matter what, I will stick by my principles against both the path of martyrdom or predatory cuntitude.

This is not veiled ignorance. It's not the sinkhole of indifference. It's deliberately choosing integrity, sovereignty, and self-direction over dogmatic bullshit. Maybe (hopefully) you'll find that a tiny bit helpful, or maybe it will piss you off and make you think I'm a jackass. Honestly? I do want to help as best I can and I wish you the best, but I really don't give a f*** what you end up thinking about me, I'll simply speak my truth as I see it and hope it helps. You are your own authority.

hey there dragon,
think about how jesus felt when he first found out about his destiny. acceptance is the sto way. no matter what comes.yea you may be miserable but in accepting that you are in your mind at least free from suffering.
you know? you might be starving but in your mind you are totally at peace. thats nirvana. it is not a place but rather a state of mind. you might suffer in this world but if you are sto and truly awakened you will be free in your mind.

i know most of the time people will want the best of both worlds. they want security,money and or fame and of course love. but neither of those things are possible. you have to surrender to one of those ideals. be it positive or negative.
this is a fundamental flaw with the law of attraction movement. they think they can be millionares and good people. but we all know the truth. deep down....

i hope you make it. good luck.

I don't believe that one must be miserable in order to be STO. Those two things going commonly hand in hand is something more to do with our society and planetary themes than anything inherent to the positive polarity saying you can't be good and happy too. Having to choose simply between being somebody who makes others miserable or someone who is miserable is nothing but a s*** system who's net sum is misery, which is a STS system. Not for me. Somebody truly STO knows that they are as worthy of happiness and success as all others who are their equals.

[Asolsutsesvyl]

[...]

[...] These structures are so pervasive and subtle abuse is passed from generation to generation when people think they are doing the right thing for one reason or another. It wouldn't be so pervasive if not for the influence of ET and higher density negative beings on our society. Beings like Belial and the others you tried to summon at one point. Nobody's forcing you to forgive wrongs that were done to you if you are not ready to, but I'm just trying to warn you against the "allure" of the STS path because then you would literally be taking the side of the forces that are responsible for your misery in the first place. To me that would be absolutely stupid and pathetic, weak, defeatist, and powerless, and I don't think you are pathetic or stupid enough to give your power away to the forces that have orchestrated all your misery. You would be right to be angry at THEM, if anyone.

They are the ones who sew the seeds in our society for the types of attitudes and behaviors your parents displayed towards you as a child. They are the ones who pull the strings on worthless teachers like that guy who was "mentoring" you, although he seems like he consciously chose this path and was actually dedicated to STS pretending to be otherwise. If you can't forgive people who were simply swayed by these forces into being a*******, then why did you, at one point, turn to them for power? It's their influence that made our society what it is and your parents what they were towards you. There is a huge irony and lack of consistency there in turning to them for power.

Also, you keep saying the STS path is "valid", and while from a purely objective/cosmological view that may be true, that's like saying you can forgive all the evils in the world as long as they happen to somebody else, but when they happen to you, they are not valid or forgivable. Child rape? Valid. Genocide, exploitation, corruption, valid. Racism and hate, valid(except the times it happened to you...). Parents being a*******? Not valid. Totally unforgiveable. I'm not trying to judge, just pointing out the huge dichotomy here so you can examine it and discern some things for yourself.

Thankfully, it seems you've steered away from those sorts of delusions that caused you to turn hardline to the STS path and try to summon dark forces and now are just going to live your life being honest about what you feel. I wish you well with that, and hope things come together for you.

So far, it's not clear how things are ultimately going to turn out. 888 may begin to care more or to care less about such inconsistencies, from the apparent overall ambivalence about it all at present. Caring less about it would, however, seem to go hand in hand with a turn towards the negative path. I point that out in terms of whether reason, and the window of opportunity for exchange through reason, matters or not in the end for 888, which remains an open question.

Basically, on the negative path, the driving force and its results matter far more than whether or not there is any consistency in terms of reason surrounding it, upon examination. Those who go to the greatest lengths in embracing the negative path ultimately stop caring at all about whether there's inconsistencies to their engagement, whether through a simple lack of self-questioning and an assertion that the self is always right (regardless of how self-defeating it looks to a sober outsider), or through going further into full-blown solipsism.

[Black Dragon]

[...]

[...] These structures are so pervasive and subtle abuse is passed from generation to generation when people think they are doing the right thing for one reason or another. It wouldn't be so pervasive if not for the influence of ET and higher density negative beings on our society. Beings like Belial and the others you tried to summon at one point. Nobody's forcing you to forgive wrongs that were done to you if you are not ready to, but I'm just trying to warn you against the "allure" of the STS path because then you would literally be taking the side of the forces that are responsible for your misery in the first place. To me that would be absolutely stupid and pathetic, weak, defeatist, and powerless, and I don't think you are pathetic or stupid enough to give your power away to the forces that have orchestrated all your misery. You would be right to be angry at THEM, if anyone.

They are the ones who sew the seeds in our society for the types of attitudes and behaviors your parents displayed towards you as a child. They are the ones who pull the strings on worthless teachers like that guy who was "mentoring" you, although he seems like he consciously chose this path and was actually dedicated to STS pretending to be otherwise. If you can't forgive people who were simply swayed by these forces into being a*******, then why did you, at one point, turn to them for power? It's their influence that made our society what it is and your parents what they were towards you. There is a huge irony and lack of consistency there in turning to them for power.

Also, you keep saying the STS path is "valid", and while from a purely objective/cosmological view that may be true, that's like saying you can forgive all the evils in the world as long as they happen to somebody else, but when they happen to you, they are not valid or forgivable. Child rape? Valid. Genocide, exploitation, corruption, valid. Racism and hate, valid(except the times it happened to you...). Parents being a*******? Not valid. Totally unforgiveable. I'm not trying to judge, just pointing out the huge dichotomy here so you can examine it and discern some things for yourself.

Thankfully, it seems you've steered away from those sorts of delusions that caused you to turn hardline to the STS path and try to summon dark forces and now are just going to live your life being honest about what you feel. I wish you well with that, and hope things come together for you.

So far, it's not clear how things are ultimately going to turn out. 888 may begin to care more or to care less about such inconsistencies, from the apparent overall ambivalence about it all at present. Caring less about it would, however, seem to go hand in hand with a turn towards the negative path. I point that out in terms of whether reason, and the window of opportunity for exchange through reason, matters or not in the end for 888, which remains an open question.

Basically, on the negative path, the driving force and its results matter far more than whether or not there is any consistency in terms of reason surrounding it, upon examination. Those who go to the greatest lengths in embracing the negative path ultimately stop caring at all about whether there's inconsistencies to their engagement, whether through a simple lack of self-questioning and an assertion that the self is always right (regardless of how self-defeating it looks to a sober outsider), or through going further into full-blown solipsism.

Hence the myth that a vampire can't see its own fucking reflection. I really hope it's not at that point yet, but it is, in the end, his choice, to either take a stand against what he perceives to be injustice on conceptual level, or to become everything that made him miserable in the first place, like a self-replicating virus. There is no true strength on that path, and no true autonomy. I would have nothing more to say or to do with somebody who chooses such a path.

I'm all the more determined to let go of petty resentments from the past that no longer serve me, lest I find myself in a spot where I consider the global elite "valid" and turn to demons for power, yet hate my parents for taking away my fucking Nintendo(now I'm not trying to downplay years of childhood being treated with harsh disciplinarian contempt, I understand in many ways from experience how damaging that can be. I'm simply trying to present a sense of scale and consistency here). 888 If my words piss you off, it's not because I'm trying to tweak you or attack you or pass judgment. It's because I respect you from the limited interactions we have had and don't want to see you do yourself a disservice by becoming a worthless piece of STS s***. I think you are better than that.

I think I've made my main points clearly enough. I can't force anyone to not make stupid-ass self-defeating decisions in life, so with things standing as they are, there's not much more I can say on this subject. The best I can do is examine myself for similar inconsistencies and work on them, which is what I intend to do.

[888]

I'm not angry at my parents anymore.

I think most of my trauma comes from humans who weren't consciously polarizing negatively, or ones who genuinely believed they were positive but were severely confused. There may have been negative entities influencing them, but it was ultimately the actions of that person / those people, operating out of ignorance. I have more respect for clearly defined intentions with a higher purpose (regardless of how vicious it may be) than voluntary ignorance.

Over the last decade, every time I've tried to embrace positivity ultimately led to imbalance and severe instability. Negative energy played a part in that... But during the time I consciously chose to harness that negative energy, although it came with its own set of issues, I began to stabilize. I do have gratitude for that.

Going deeper on any path serves The Creator. I'm fully aware of the apparent inconsistencies and I don't care.

[Black Dragon]

I'm not angry at my parents anymore.

I think most of my trauma comes from humans who weren't consciously polarizing negatively, or ones who genuinely believed they were positive but were severely confused. There may have been negative entities influencing them, but it was ultimately the actions of that person / those people, operating out of ignorance. I have more respect for clearly defined intentions with a higher purpose (regardless of how vicious it may be) than voluntary ignorance.

Over the last decade, every time I've tried to embrace positivity ultimately led to imbalance and severe instability. Negative energy played a part in that... But during the time I consciously chose to harness that negative energy, although it came with its own set of issues, I began to stabilize. I do have gratitude for that.

Going deeper on any path serves The Creator. I'm fully aware of the apparent inconsistencies and I don't care.

I don't think it was the negative energies themselves that gave you the stability, but the act of consciously acknowledging and accepting those things in yourself rather than denying or repressing them. Your own self-honesty is a self-empowering trait. The attempt to polarize positively too fast when you weren't "feeling it" caused some disintegration. That's understandable. Like I said, there's nothing really left for me to say at this point I haven't already said. You do you. I hope things work out for you.

[888]

There's some nuance here that's difficult to describe. I'll try to clear up some misconceptions.

This isn't a 'people hurt me, so I'm going to hurt other people indiscriminately' situation.

I'm giving myself freedom to express my shadow side, which all entities have, without seeing it as something 'wrong.'

There are many instances of this that are not explicitly sociopathic, but are not exactly consonant with the positive path.

If I dislike someone and it seems irreconcilable even after extensive contemplation, then I'll feel free to say 'f*** that person,' without feeling guilty about it. If I want to see myself as a dominant and powerful person, and feel the confidence that comes with it, I will. If I want to dominate or control a situation where I believe I have good reason to do so, then I will. Even if I want to listen to music that I know has a deep Luciferian or STS influence (more common than many may think, which I may go into more detail about another time), I will do so without getting hung up on it.

There are benefits from consciously using my negative energy (which goes beyond only accepting it) that seem crucial to my stability and well being at this time. I have an idealized self, a powerful individual who doesn't break down in the face of extreme trauma, a persona I began to develop years before learning the nuances of the STS and STO dichotomy. That idealized self got me through a lot of difficult situations, and it also has very dominant, rugged, and calculating aspects that are at times consistent with the negative path.

I'm choosing to continue my life as that person without excessively worrying about the dichotomy.

These are some potential outcomes of this.

1. This ends up being part of the process of refining my lower energy centers, and / or part of the maximum 49% STS activity that positive entities can engage in while remaining positive. Eventually, I evolve past the need for dominance and power while still retaining security, or I find ways to express those qualities while minimizing their destructive effects.

or

2. Embodying that dominant and powerful persona ends up being inherently negative, and I end up deep into negative territory.

3. I go far into negative territory, but gain a level of awareness and competence that allows me to switch polarization, and clearly perceive and complete the necessary steps to resolve karmic baggage, without the difficulties I'm currently facing. If I still want to switch back at that point, this then turns into scenario 1.

The further an entity has, what you would call, polarized, the more easily this entity may change polarity, for the more power and awareness the entity will have.
Those truly helpless are those who have not consciously chosen but who repeat patterns without knowledge of the repetition or the meaning of the pattern.

There are inherently 'negative' aspects that all entities carry... The left side of the body, the lower pole that magnetically attracts experiences to oneself, the receptive energy that absorbs. For example, eating anything, even a plant, has the potential to violate the free will of that which is being eaten. There is always 'prey' in this equation. The difference for positive entities is giving the process of consumption a metaphysical context, elevating the process and that which is consumed to a sacred level through gratitude.

https://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/i..._1016.aspx

The drive to be a dominant and powerful person isn't as inescapable as say, the necessity to ingest food. For me, though, it's the only security and happiness I've known in this life, up until this point. I choose to embrace it and imbue it with a metaphysical aspect. Whether that ends up refining my lower energy centers for the eventual purpose of positivity, or inextricably ties me to the negative path... Both results serve The Creator at a high level, and either one is fine with me. So I'm going to continue my life as this person and see what happens.

Also, even if I were to end up ultimately polarizing negatively, it doesn't mean I would simply bow down to the current STS 'elite,' or those higher density negative entities. In this hypothetical scenario, I would be entering a game where I'm playing against them, regardless of potential short term arrangements. This option frees me from ensnarement in mourning my past traumas, as I recognize all harm, even harm out of ignorance, as merely part of the game. The freedom to engage in this side of the game replaces the sadness, rage, and 'unfairness' I may feel at my own wounds. Past trauma retroactively becomes a valuable lesson and liberating moment, where I learn the ruthless mentality and receive the seeds to refine it.

Again, these are just options and possible outcomes I've considered. For now, I'm focusing on stabilizing. Everything is up in the air after this.

[Green_One]

hey there dragon,
think about how jesus felt when he first found out about his destiny. acceptance is the sto way. no matter what comes.yea you may be miserable but in accepting that you are in your mind at least free from suffering.
you know? you might be starving but in your mind you are totally at peace. thats nirvana. it is not a place but rather a state of mind. you might suffer in this world but if you are sto and truly awakened you will be free in your mind.

i know most of the time people will want the best of both worlds. they want security,money and or fame and of course love. but neither of those things are possible. you have to surrender to one of those ideals. be it positive or negative.
this is a fundamental flaw with the law of attraction movement. they think they can be millionaires and good people. but we all know the truth. deep down....

i hope you make it. good luck.

I so agree with what you spoke on the law of attraction..... It's been presented in a sts prosperity preaching fashion for material gain from those either confused about soul evolution or purposefully promoting it to confuse others about it.....

[Green_One]

I do 20 minutes minimum of silent meditation a day. I'll stretch it out to multiple hours if I have the time and inclination to, and I cycle through various meditative activities like the Wim Hof breathing method, yoga nidra, qigong, regular yoga, guided meditation / visualization audios, Hindu mantras, candle meditation, chakra meditations etc. on a daily basis... I'll do maybe 2-3 of the activities I listed a day, and switch them to maintain variety. I invoke and banish, and do Kabbalistic meditations every day (I'm going to stop for this next week or so because I feel very burnt out).

It seems like none of that's working right now. This is a very low point for me I guess. It felt like it was working at points before.

Anyways I'll listen to the interview you linked when I have the time to.
_________

I'm not going to give up, I'm really going to keep pushing until I either break through or everything falls apart for good, but it's really, really frustrating putting in 110% into everything, in the 'regular' world, and the spiritual world, and just feeling like I'm getting further and further from actual progress.

I just need to say this s***. I'm not looking to complain to anybody and I don't care if anyone even reads or responds to this at this point. I'm fucking frustrated and I just need to post this somewhere. I really need things to change.

Taking a break may be best...... I had to take a break from doing 20-30 min meditations in recent weeks due to the massive influx of information I was receiving.... Long story short I sacrificed something major to my well being 2 months ago and fell homeless for a month... the night after I moved into the woods I reached intelligent infinity.... I think the rate of everything and the impact of everything made me feel weary and sad and lost.... currently I'm with home again pondering where do I go from here.... I draw/shuffle the major arcana here and there... I often pull The moon and the hanged man (12:12)..... I'll see the hanged man more so.... My clocks and watch will mysteriously stop at 12:12 and not move until I reconfigure them... I say all that to say your not alone in feeling frustrated with the STO path..... I plan to do a high dose shroom trip in august to lift the veil for a few hours to ask what else do I need to let go and what specific purpose was I sent here for.... other than the entheogens I do not know what else can help for me at this point...