I have a dilemma

[888]

I'm really not well at all right now, and I felt more stable and functional when I was polarizing negatively.

If you're versed in astrology, I have Lilith in my 12th house (a strong draw towards seductive energies and a strong desire to use them, a predisposition to dark thoughts. This is often considered to be the most unfortunate placement of Lilith) and Pluto conjunct my north node in Scorpio (my life path heavily revolves around power, transformation, and destruction as renewal).

There's a lot of trauma I have, and often when I think I've forgiven people and am ready to move on, I begin feeling the trauma again and anger about it. It felt more natural for me to see this anger and pain as fuel I could draw energy and power from to keep going, rather than something I had to ultimately turn into love, which makes me feel like more of a doormat than anything.

The culture of this generation (I'm in my 20's) also has a strong negative influence, and I feel far more isolated when I feel wrong in expressing negative emotions or sentiments, which are common among most social circles I find.

[Sacred Fool]

It sounds like you have a good sense of the parameters of the ways in which you are penned in. So, where's the gate out of the pen?

I would offer the "tough love" suggestion that the sooner you learn to accept and follow your heart, the sooner you can answer the question above. The hard part is to stay on course and not become distracted for another few decades. Other than that, you have all you need right there inside you. Your dilemma is classic: "The Choice." Follow your heart or follow other things.

[Navaratna]

I do think this generation is kind of mindless. 'I need to make many many thousands of dollars to have a minimally comfortable lifestyle and that is all that matters' and you can't blame them for thinking that way because there are few options to escape it.

Meditate on a candle flame that is my advice. It helps to dissolve tension.

I think I've seen a lot of people get frustrated and act like they need to go do something explosive or angry to get it out of their system. I think the riots on the news we're witnessing right now have a lot to do with people being frustrated and having an excuse to go nuts. If life was 'ordinary' right now I bet most people would just be busy with their lives.

Instead focusing on fire, the practice of pyromancy is an intensely energetic and purifying outlet for frustrations and passions. Focusing on flames helps me burn restlessness away.

[meadow-foreigner]

I'm really not well at all right now, and I felt more stable and functional when I was polarizing negatively.

If you're versed in astrology, I have Lilith in my 12th house (a strong draw towards seductive energies and a strong desire to use them, a predisposition to dark thoughts. This is often considered to be the most unfortunate placement of Lilith) and Pluto conjunct my north node in Scorpio (my life path heavily revolves around power, transformation, and destruction as renewal).

There's a lot of trauma I have, and often when I think I've forgiven people and am ready to move on, I begin feeling the trauma again and anger about it. It felt more natural for me to see this anger and pain as fuel I could draw energy and power from to keep going, rather than something I had to ultimately turn into love, which makes me feel like more of a doormat than anything.

The culture of this generation (I'm in my 20's) also has a strong negative influence, and I feel far more isolated when I feel wrong in expressing negative emotions or sentiments, which are common among most social circles I find.

Let me present an analogy to what I've understood from your depiction of your conflict, so your intellectual self might abstract an idea from it:

You have a brain. A brain that, despite being a note or two more prominent than the average primate brain (picture a chimpanzee if you will), is still intimately related to a primate brain.

• Your brain is your Operating System for this hologram;
  
• You have a certain set of programming that is peculiar to you and your ontogenesis.
  

This configuration is what makes you trigger to some stimuli while ignoring other stimuli.
These triggers link patterns of behavior that were found to be optimal in the past to your mind/body complex.

You relate about a certain behavior that feels undesirable by a 'part' of you, yet it seems to be hard-wired so it just keeps looping whenever the triggers occur.

This inner conflict creates an effect equivalent to the Joule Effect, in which there is a loss of efficiency in the transformation of part of the system's energy in heat.
Because the brain clings to known patterns and has learned to be somewhat aversive to "upgrades" in its configuration, you lose efficiency in your expression of Self.

Is it worth to keep the current programming? If not, how would you "convince" your brain that the upgrade is worth it?

By the way, forgiving others is but the half-way. Truly, timelessly forgiving yourself is the other half.

[888]

This post is going to be fairly heavy, so read this only if you feel like you can handle it.

I have really intense PTSD. This is just a handful of the memories that float through my head on a regular basis.

I grew up in a toxic and abusive home. I dealt with a lot of racism growing up. There was one time when I was a teenager where I was badly beaten by someone shouting racial slurs at me, that left me with a permanent scar above my right eye. I'm Asian-American, and a lot of the racism against Asians gets completely ignored. Now with the pandemic, it's basically normalized because people are looking for a scapegoat.

When I was 16, I got involved with a life coach / mentor-type figure who turned out to be more like a cult leader. He championed his belief of "service" to others (he came up with this himself and wasn't influenced by any of this channeled material), and he used it as an excuse to scream at his students, go over every part of their personality and why they were selfish pieces of garbage, threaten violence, et cetera. In his eyes, he was the epitome of righteousness, and everyone else was selfish, and it was his job to make them righteous like him.

Most things involving the word 'service' leave me with a strong aversion to it and a very uncomfortable feeling.

When I went to the college that this person helped me get into, that my parents wanted me to go to, and convinced me that I wanted to go to, I dropped out after the first year because it was bringing up a lot of trauma. Whenever I tried to forgive all the people I previously spoke of, it preceded mental breakdowns.

I spent 3 years in and out of mental hospitals after this. The first one I went to, I was forcibly brought in by deception, injected with substances against my will multiple times, and once I was injected with enough sedatives for someone three times my body weight, which could have left me dead. This hospital was shut down years later for being unsafe. Here's the news article about it.

https://www.boston25news.com/news/westwo...for%20good.

I've posted about this before. This is where I was at back in 2018 before the first time I left the forums to polarize negatively. I'm fully aware of the cyclical nature of this.

The first time in my life I felt some semblance of mental stability and self-worth is when I embraced my anger and pain as something desirable, something to draw power from. I stopped because part of me was afraid that negativity was false, that it would all be meaningless in the end. But there's a war between my conscious and my subconscious on many levels.

I feel much better when I'm negative. I try to forgive them, I try to forgive myself. But trying to love people I'd rather hate seems to send me on a downward spiral. I'm just scratching the surface of everything, and there's a lot more that I haven't spoken on.

Is it worth to keep the current programming? If not, how would you "convince" your brain that the upgrade is worth it?

I can't find many ways to convince myself that it's worth it to keep going positive. Part of me wants to, and the other part is very uncomfortable with the idea of virtue being its own reward. Sometimes positivity feels like embracing the dynamic of an abusive relationship as the victim, taking on a certain degree of masochism.

There are no answers that we have to give you. We can only say that you are asking the correct questions. We cannot promise you riches, fame, security or happiness. We offer you only the dust, the coarse roads of the pilgrim, the harsh sun of the desert which is often traveled while the soul is in travail and a new soul is being born within. We offer you discomfort, the discomfort of change, and as you meditate and seek to know your own deep self, seek to deepen your trust, you shall find yourself more and more uncomfortable as you change more and more. This discomfort is a divine discomfort, an excellent discomfort, an encouraging discomfort, for it means that you are in truth prepared to change. You have allowed your rigidity of belief to melt into the malleable, impressionable thought processes which are powered by the energy gained from dropping the old programs that have been to you in some way destructive.

Each of you has a different way of destroying self-esteem within the self, a different way of rationalizing. Do not condemn yourselves, pilgrims. Move to one who is in pastoral relationship with you and speak your thoughts freely, for you are the Creator speaking to the Creator, and you must needs find entities whom you may trust to that extent, else you shall be alone and confused in the outer world. But when you have expressed yourself and have been heard, then it is time to carry on that which you have begun, the infinite processes of change and transformation.

You will always be on the way, you will never see the face of the one infinite Creator, for could you but see it, it would appear only as light, a light that would blind you. You are not ready for an unbiased look at the infinite One which broods over the universe and gazes upon Itself with a love so compassionate and so complete that there is no end to the loving you are receiving at this very moment, not simply from us, messengers of the Law of One, but from the Creator Itself, whose love sparkles in the air that you breathe, comes through the soles of your feet as you touch the earth, moves through the body enlivening, refreshing, restoring.

https://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/i..._0401.aspx

Some people might see beauty in this quote. I feel despair. Sometimes I worry that this is just an endless loop, that to unify with the universe and infinity is to just give myself up to enter another cycle, in another universe, where I would have to go through more suffering to progress by forgiving others. I don't want that.

I haven't made the choice yet. I'm going to meditate on it for a while.

[flofrog]

888, I dont know if this will help.. There has been in my life one person especially difficult deal with, and one day I started to apply what Q'uo said about when feeling intense anger, being to imagine, in quietness, to see oneself sitting by the fire and asking your anger to come and sit by your side. It worked with me as I did this many times.


I am sure there's an abyss between what you experienced and what I did, but just in case this might help. Many thoughts towards you.

[Asolsutsesvyl]

I'd just like to add that there's an enormous difference between being full of negative emotions and polarizing negatively. 888, it sounds like your emotional side is stuck in a nightmare rooted in the past, unable to move beyond it fully. (That's just another way of saying that trauma is still deeply emotionally rooted, however.)

I'm not going to try to compare traumas (mine were largely bullying, depression, and related), but in my teens there was a time when I clung to my anger, even though I could not express it, because it was a part of me that felt like something in the way of strength and hope, something without which I would be very small inside. (After that, I went through an inner collapse in which my feelings generally became more distant from myself. It took many years and a long, complicated journey to turn that around and emerge in a better way.)

The biggest point is, I spent many years fearing that I'm somehow evil deep down, and I've been very concerned about the risk of somehow hurting others, even when there's no logical way it would happen. That's common in people who have empathy, strong negative emotions, and fear of what they view as dark inside. But there is a huge difference between boiling in your own negative emotions and dark thoughts, in private, and actively hurting people. It seems from your description that you likewise care, while dreaming darkly about yourself at the same time, instead of being a person who lives to cause harm to others.

I think flofrog's advice seems good as a way of moving past fear of your own feelings. Those extra layers, like fear of negative emotions, and fear of positive responses to negative emotions, etc., prevent really facing and accepting the underlying feelings in a calm and clear way. When you find a kind of inner balance, then I think it will begin to point you towards where you need to go, wherever that is.

[Sacred Fool]

 
Perhaps I was wrong in my post above?  You may not be at the point of Choice between the + and - pathways.  Your post reads as though you're caught between the analgesia of being mean spirited and the misery of reconciling an immense load of trauma.  For some reason, that doesn't sound like a simple left versus right decision.

Through my eyes, you seem like a kid who's a bit too smart for his own good: good at sensing into the pain, but not so good at knowing what to do with it.  My guess is that, even if your recent life experiences had not been so dramatic, your response to whatever came your way would be similar.  You would have felt deeply into the pain around or within you, but not known what to do with it.  (And, I might add here, even if you embrace the path of analgesia, you still won't know what to do with the mega-loads of pain you are attached to.)

My suggestion is that you step back from the supposed brink for awhile (meditate a bit longer) and study the problem more deliberately.  What does/should one do with loads of pain and trauma?  Simply, what does the array of the options look like?  After considering that, you might feel less personal pressure and you might see some reasonable pathway through this mess.  At that point, then, you can revisit the question of Choice--in other words, commitment to how you would work to tune your personal frequency.  It's a pointless question when your signal so convoluted by all this noise in your system, right?
 
 

[Cannon]

There's a lot of trauma I have, and often when I think I've forgiven people and am ready to move on, I begin feeling the trauma again and anger about it.

A very powerful method of dissolving this particular form of suffering is the Formula of Compassion, a technique detailed here: https://nibiruancouncil.com/what-is-comp...ompassion/

It is by far the most effective way to release oneself from prior wrongs and such that I am aware of at this time. If you choose to look through it, I hope it provides some peace for you.

[Navaratna]

Holding pieces of obsidian and natural magnets such as lodestone drained a lot of negativity back when I had depression.

Dark objects absorb negative energy, brighter colored blue or purple ones shine higher frequency energy. It's the nature of light, like how going out on a hot day with a black shirt will absorb the heat.

[888]

6 years ago, before I knew about the Law of One, I was very angry because I thought I had made peace with the universe, that I had chosen light and I wouldn't have to suffer as much, and the suffering got worse. That's when a lot of my repressed negativity came out, and the mental breakdowns and institutionalizations started happening, as well as bunch of other things.

Reading about the stories of the saints and so on, it seemed like the light path glorified suffering for the purpose of forgiveness, loving the source of the suffering. When I began recovering, I questioned what it all meant, what the purpose of these lessons were in the first place, if in our original state we were all knowing and omnipotent. It seemed like a paradox that we had to go through any type of suffering or lessons at all. So to protest the insanity and lack of logic I perceived in this, I made a pact with an entity I believed to be Lucifer. I summoned it by doing the LBRP in its entirety backwards several times a day, every day, for a month. Whatever it was, it had genuine powers. There was one incident during this period where I read a woman's mind, and she confirmed that I read her exact thoughts verbatim, which I would have had no way of knowing without supernatural stimuli.

A year after that, I made pacts with Belial and Paimon. Similar supernatural occurrences happened. I have a giant upside down tree of life tattooed on my left ribcage. It symbolized my drive to become an Ipsissimus.

I'm not entirely sure what all of this means, and I am listening to what you're all saying. But it feels like the darkness follows me everywhere I go, and I really don't want to just give myself over to the positive path again, to be 'rewarded' with more suffering again. Even choosing unity makes me feel that I'm taking on all the pain of the world, especially during these times. I feel like I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself just so I can feel the same pain and weakness most people feel right now.

I appreciate what you're all saying and I'm not dismissing your contributions. These are my experiences and raw unrepressed thoughts and emotions.

[Sacred Fool]

 
I salute your seeking and your honesty, 888.  I sorely understand the price one pays for engaging in such work.

You might possibly find it profitable to read the following Q'uo session.  The questions were posed so as to maybe assist those with a background in STS proclivities.  The answers point to some ways of exploring self which are not focused on polarity, but on deep self-awareness.    

https://llresearch.org/transcripts/issue..._0414.aspx


Regarding suffering in general, the Buddhists have given much thought to this problem.  The Tibetan branch might hold some interest for you.  If you're not already familiar with it, the story of Milarepa might interest you.  Vajrasattva practice in particular has been helpful for many, myself included, in terms of removing accreted darkness.

In a general sense, one might say that darkness cannot be eliminated.  It can be integrated into a larger Whole which involves determined commitment to benefit all beings.  Again, it's a Choice, a choice as to how to tune your instrument. 

As to why one might incarnate into this mess when things are far more facile in higher planes, one answer is that here, on this plane, one has a greater opportunity to tune one's basic vibration.  The idea is that choices made under duress are more deeply resonant than those made when can simply see the entire layout of things. 

Many years ago, I was swimming underwater in a murky lake and completely lost my sense of in what direction the surface lay.  After moving fruitlessly in several directions, and running very low on oxygen, I simply stopped moving.  After a few moments, I began to float in a direction I had not previously suspected was the way up.  I accelerated along that trajectory and was quite happy when I breached the surface.  Coming to the shore, it was all I could do to drag myself out and lie down for a time.  It was a trying and worrisome experience, but one for which I am grateful.  It was a seminal lesson in navigating murk, and since then I've had zero fear of being in the water.
  
   

[888]

I think I'll try to compromise for now.

I've been seeing things in extremes. Previously, it's either been I unconditonally love people who I'm not ready to love right now, and probably won't be able to for a long time, or it's f*** everyone.

There was a psychological article I read that described 'unburdening' as an alternative to forgiveness. Maybe that's not the end goal from a metaphysical perspective, but it's the best I can do now while maintaining my stability. Then maybe someday I can genuinely feel forgiveness instead of hate.

A few years ago I was at a place where I was ready to manipulate and drain everyone indiscriminately because I felt betrayed and abandoned by everyone I'd already known, and that I had nothing. There's still people I hate deep down, but I don't have the fire in me to go all the way with that hate and emanate it towards everyone right now.

I'm not ready to be all sweetness and light either right now, but maybe that will change eventually.

The one thing I'm worried about is still being able to express any type of negativity at all. There was a time in 2016 where I blew up at someone in anger and got in a car accident a few days later, things like that. I really dislike having apparently extreme repercussions programmed in for things that most people seem to be able to express normally... One of the other things that attracted me to the negative path, besides desperation and despair, was freedom to embody my shadow. I'd still like that freedom to express my shadow without feeling like I'll immediately be punished or whatever.

[Sacred Fool]

I'd still like that freedom to express my shadow without feeling like I'll immediately be punished or whatever.

It's an internal game.  For whatever reason, you're not able to get around that.

  

[Asolsutsesvyl]

I have a giant upside down tree of life tattooed on my left ribcage. It symbolized my drive to become an Ipsissimus.

Interestingly enough, the symbol in itself is ambiguous and rather open-ended in meaning. You have a choice in what to "make of it" being there.

The upside-down tree of life is a standard Kabbalistic symbol, sometimes used to refer to how souls "grow down" into manifesting their roles or plans in life. Jungian psychologist James Hillman, in the book The Soul's Code, covers that in general and in various examples.

Patterns relating to the life plan and "aims" of what to turn life into appear early on, and symbolic reflections usually echo backwards through time.

I would add a big thing to that, relating to forks in the road. While Hillman looks at the lives of people as wholes over time, he does not explore lives centering around open-ended change processes at other levels. If several possible futures exist, then several patterns may be reflected back into the past. If there's a drama of which path will be taken, then two conflicting patterns may overlap somewhat chaotically throughout life. (I base that on my own observations.)

You've described one prominent pattern related to negative involvement. There may or may not be a clear pattern relating to an alternative to that. It's a question for you, along with the rest, to examine such things if you do, which may become significant when considering the larger sense or context of your life.

When focusing on symbolic patterns, it is easy to tune into one big pattern at a time, becoming blind to other patterns for the time. Finding inner balance, and a more detached and larger inner vantage point, goes hand in hand with moving beyond whatever inner tunnel-vision there may be, seeing not only one, but ultimately all significant patterns which may be there at the same time. This may greatly change the picture of available choices and the meanings of things.

[Dtris]

Do you meditate daily? If so are you focusing on an image or symbol such as is done in the middle pillar exercise or are you clearing your mind and listening? The reason I ask is everyone I know or have known with PTSD has had a ton of trouble trying to meditate. Doing so brings back all the things they have repressed. If you can get in touch with your higher self, you might find some answers.

Patterns repeat to make a lesson sink in, often with increasing severity. What patterns have you identified and what lessons have you learned? It might be helpful to ignore polarization right now. The lessons you need might not reside specifically in that realm.

Another concept which can be very hard to accept or believe in when you have experienced a lot of trauma like you have, is that we create our own reality, and we program our own experiences. On some level you might have programmed to go thru these negative experiences and there is a reason for it.

On anger, Ra said that the appropriate response to any catalyst is the spontaneous use of it. You may have thought you were forgiving people when you were actually repressing the anger, which led to the breakdowns. You can use the anger in many ways, by itself anger is not a bad thing. Anger becomes negative when it leads us to harm.

It is also ok to not forgive them. Hating is ok too. You can always say to yourself that you aren't ready to forgive, but you will be some day. If you want to forgive people maybe you can start with some people who did really minor things, like borrow a dollar and never pay you back. Then work your way to worse things as you feel up to it. There is no need to try to forgive it all at once, and indeed that isn't possible. I have found myself going back to some people repeatedly in meditation and forgiving them, because I realize my previous attempts were not complete. That is ok too. You can forgive someone for some of their actions, and still condemn them for the rest.

On your desire to not be all rainbows and kittens, f*** that. I can love people while being me. I am not opposed to change but the concept of everyone becoming some brain washed teletubby is not my cup of tea either. I still cuss, I can be rude sometimes, I have even been arguing more than before lately as I work more on blue ray communication and honesty. So you can figure out how to be you while loving everyone too. Don't feel like you have to be pigeonholed into some touchy feely woo woo personality type.

I have a link here to a Joe Rogan podcast which might be helpful. The dude went thru some insane stuff and came out the other side. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIc5XYpRc1M&t=2931s

Also if you want to experiment with summoning the Lesser Key of Solomon the King and the Sacred Magic of Abra-melin the Mage are the go to texts.

[Ozziwtf]

removed

[888]

These next two posts are just me venting my frustrations and nobody's obligated to read it, including the people I quoted. I just needed to write it. I'm well aware that dealing with other people's negative emotions often isn't fun.

Find a goal and learn using your mind by setting a goal. It could be anything. But go all out, keep it in your mind as if it was really important, keep coming back to it. You will learn how to use your mind properly.

Also, do something explosive that drains your physical energy. Go start boxing, buy a sandbag you can hit. You would be surprised how good it can feel when you are angry. If you learn how to do it properly even better, but preferably don't think of using it on people, think about yourself and stuff you hate about yourself when you really feel like "hitting the bag".

The spirit part of this complex exercise is to keep on believing in positive results even when you lose faith in a positive outcome. This is probably the hardest part.

If you are so much drawn to power, find power structures that you can join. You will either enjoy it or understand why it's not designed for most people. It's a win-win.

Your help is appreciated, but I should add more context. I've done all these things for many years, and I'm still doing them, and I feel like it's been leading nowhere.

I'm very physically fit, and I exercise on a regular basis. I've practiced martial arts on and off for 14 years. There's several things I worked extremely hard at over the last decade (when my other issues weren't getting in the way) and almost saw results from, then things always fell apart at the last moment.

I had an internship with Disney years ago. That same year, I could have been part of a start-up that was having hundreds of thousands of dollars invested in it. Everything led nowhere or fell apart. There's several times where I felt like my worldly dreams would come true, and I wouldn't have to worry about money any more, and then my past mental instability or negative events got in my way.

There's multiple creative pursuits I have, that I just don't have the time or energy to complete on a regular basis right now. I'm struggling economically because I didn't see all of that through. The worst part is I know that a huge amount of it is my fault, which makes me feel worse and intensifies my hate.

A lot of my rage is also from getting so close to my goals so many times and not feeling like I have to struggle, then feeling like 'God' just shoves Its hand in my face and sends me back to struggle, almost as if me having worldly power and comfort wouldn't be 'positive.'

I'm tired of struggling, especially when I already came close to being free and then had it fall apart, over and over again. I also wanted to go negative because I felt like there might be some type of limitation, that I couldn't be comfortable and 'positive' at the same time... I still wonder about that.

It's worse because it feels like the world's falling apart now, and maybe I 'ran out of time.' I took all these risks and put in all this effort, and I might have nothing to show for it, and no more chances.

I really don't want to sound defeatist or whiny or self-glorifying or whatever. I just don't know what else to fucking do at this point. I keep pushing, I keep getting back up, and I have the same self-destructive, self-sabotaging patterns play out again. I recognize them, I analyze them. I've read books and a ton of articles on psychology, I have hundreds of pages of journals, and hundreds of pages of dream journals over the last several years, I analyze them and see if I can integrate their lessons. I've really tried to get to the bottom of all my issues and it feels like I have very little to show for it.

[888]

Do you meditate daily? If so are you focusing on an image or symbol such as is done in the middle pillar exercise or are you clearing your mind and listening?

I do 20 minutes minimum of silent meditation a day. I'll stretch it out to multiple hours if I have the time and inclination to, and I cycle through various meditative activities like the Wim Hof breathing method, yoga nidra, qigong, regular yoga, guided meditation / visualization audios, Hindu mantras, candle meditation, chakra meditations etc. on a daily basis... I'll do maybe 2-3 of the activities I listed a day, and switch them to maintain variety. I invoke and banish, and do Kabbalistic meditations every day (I'm going to stop for this next week or so because I feel very burnt out).

It seems like none of that's working right now. This is a very low point for me I guess. It felt like it was working at points before.

Anyways I'll listen to the interview you linked when I have the time to.
_________

I'm not going to give up, I'm really going to keep pushing until I either break through or everything falls apart for good, but it's really, really frustrating putting in 110% into everything, in the 'regular' world, and the spiritual world, and just feeling like I'm getting further and further from actual progress.

I just need to say this s***. I'm not looking to complain to anybody and I don't care if anyone even reads or responds to this at this point. I'm fucking frustrated and I just need to post this somewhere. I really need things to change.

[Ozziwtf]

removed, no longer relevant

[sillypumpkins]

888 I can relate to some of your feelings and frustrations, particularly the feeling that "things need to change"..... I've enjoyed reading this post and the replies, and I hope you continue to post your experiences on here....

[meadow-foreigner]

First there was Unity. While Unity is ∞, Unity isn't (∞-n). Therefore, all combinations of (∞-n) are only unmanifested potentialities. To differentiate anything from ∞ would necessarily imply another state other than Unity.

Then, there was Duality: ☯.

In a dual world, you have new possibilities in which the fractal and the infinitesimal (1) play a major role.
The infinitesimal is also a fractal in itself, so it also has ∞ within.

The catch of this phase is: your Self was shattered and you are, most of the time, clueless to what to do about it.

Since Duality is based on oscillation and balancing (also referred to as impermanence), at the moment that there is a certain unbalance, there will be the potential of the opposite within it.

This seems confusing. In this point of view, you're either in balance (consonant) or out of balance (dissonant) to a certain reference point (equilibrium). Whenever one tries to specialize in whatever extreme of the polarity, one will face new layers of the fractal being shown endlessly, effectively maintaining the potential to the opposite within. In this sense, it may appear useless to invest time and energy in anything, as based on this premise "beginning and end are but one".

Yeah, well, that is just a part of the path: the Realization and Discernment of You (1) and your surroundings (∞-1).
Once you have that sufficiently well outlined, you may present yourself with some questions:

"Is this it?"
"What now?"
"Is this as pointless as it seems to be?"
And so on.

The next phase is when you add a third element: instead of being thrown from side to side of the duality, you find such a balance that you now are a conscious active force of Creation, through your volition.

So now another degree of complexity is added to the mechanics of the Universe. You have the fractal properties, infinitesimal properties, an environment that works on differentiation, and a being who is sufficiently enlightened to Create.

That's really cool. However: "Is this it?"

Obviously, no. You might consider two possibilities: create from within and to within, and to create from within to outside. Both creations invariably have an impact on the Universe as a whole.

Note that creation is aligned with the harmonics of the Universe, and destruction also has the harmonics of the Universe as a reference, though it is its reciprocal. In this sense, the dissonance is the attempt to differentiate to the furthest from the reference point (harmonic mechanics of the Universe). You might consider the validity of such an enterprise yourself.

Below is an illustration of an individual's dilemma who attempts to re-establish the connection from within oneself to the world that surrounds one:

If you didn't care
What happened to me

And I didn't care
For you

We would zig-zag our way
Through the boredom and pain
Occasionally glancing up through the rain
Wondering which of the buggers to blame

And watching for pigs on the wing

The logical conclusion that one needs another.

You know that I care
What happens to you
And I know that you care
For me too

So I don't feel alone
Or the weight of the stone
Now that I've found somewhere safe
To bury my bone

And any fool knows a dog needs a home
A shelter from pigs on the wing

The logical realization that connection is a need, even to a dog.

Now, although there are certain biological, phylogenetical, cultural, and ontogenetical biases to each individual who finds himself incarnated, one may choose to repeat what has been previously established (dog eat dog dichotomy);
One may also choose to transcend this apparent maelstrom of entropic tendency by bridging this division that one finds oneself into.

[Diana]

I do 20 minutes minimum of silent meditation a day. I'll stretch it out to multiple hours if I have the time and inclination to, and I cycle through various meditative activities like the Wim Hof breathing method, yoga nidra, qigong, regular yoga, guided meditation / visualization audios, Hindu mantras, candle meditation, chakra meditations etc. on a daily basis... I'll do maybe 2-3 of the activities I listed a day, and switch them to maintain variety. I invoke and banish, and do Kabbalistic meditations every day (I'm going to stop for this next week or so because I feel very burnt out).

It seems like none of that's working right now. This is a very low point for me I guess. It felt like it was working at points before.

Anyways I'll listen to the interview you linked when I have the time to.
_________

I'm not going to give up, I'm really going to keep pushing until I either break through or everything falls apart for good, but it's really, really frustrating putting in 110% into everything, in the 'regular' world, and the spiritual world, and just feeling like I'm getting further and further from actual progress.

I just need to say this s***. I'm not looking to complain to anybody and I don't care if anyone even reads or responds to this at this point. I'm fucking frustrated and I just need to post this somewhere. I really need things to change.

I hear you. And I am in agreement that even just posting—getting something out of your own head and into words somewhere—is wise as a step forward in balancing. I do the same. I also get your frustration about putting 110% into everything, as I do this as well, but here I can offer my own general philosophy, which is: don't be attached to outcomes. This short article I wrote may be of interest on that score: http://warriorspirit.net/what-is-a-warrior-spirit/

I'm only conjecturing here, but it seems to me, and for months it seems to have been ratcheting up, that there is some kind of collective energy bringing up otherwise undealt-with catalyst for people. The sort of catalyst I refer to is the stuff perhaps that's been repressed, or issues from childhood, and other buried feelings that weren't processed.

As an observer of my own life, I witness these things coming up lately. Personally, it has been my past experience that directly dealing with imbalances isn't as efficacious as just working in general to evolve consciously forward. Many things just fall away without having to agonize over analyses when consciousness expands. I am not sure how the current wave of catalyst will play out, for myself or for the world in general.

My own approach is to try to stay open to whatever comes through. At the same time, move forward. One thing that helps me is to have a purpose outside of myself, a service to the world. Individuals have different things to offer others. It could be just volunteering somewhere for example; though, with things the way they are at the moment, that may be difficult to do.

Ultimately, and paradoxically, though everything is connected, one is alone in one's challenges—being accountable and responsible for self.

[Stranger]

I'm really not well at all right now, and I felt more stable and functional when I was polarizing negatively.

If you're versed in astrology, I have Lilith in my 12th house (a strong draw towards seductive energies and a strong desire to use them, a predisposition to dark thoughts. This is often considered to be the most unfortunate placement of Lilith) and Pluto conjunct my north node in Scorpio (my life path heavily revolves around power, transformation, and destruction as renewal).

There's a lot of trauma I have, and often when I think I've forgiven people and am ready to move on, I begin feeling the trauma again and anger about it. It felt more natural for me to see this anger and pain as fuel I could draw energy and power from to keep going, rather than something I had to ultimately turn into love, which makes me feel like more of a doormat than anything.

The culture of this generation (I'm in my 20's) also has a strong negative influence, and I feel far more isolated when I feel wrong in expressing negative emotions or sentiments, which are common among most social circles I find.

888, your post has been on my mind for some time now.  I think I have a bit of clarity about your situation, and I hope this will be helpful to you.

The parts of you hurt by the perpetrators of your trauma are still carrying that hurt, inside you.  That is what trauma is.
When you try to love or forgive the perpetrators of your trauma without doing anything to help your own hurt, those parts of you feel betrayed and violated all over again.  That is why you feel the trauma and the hurt.

Imagine if it were three people: the perpetrator, the victim, and you.  You come into the situation and decide that the perpetrator should be forgiven.  How does the victim feel?

The way out of this is to love the hurt and violated parts of yourself first.  Observe within yourself the distress that gets triggered as soon as you decide to forgive.  Then, take time to be loving and kind to those feelings within you; comfort them, the way you might a small child or frightened pet.  Be the caring presence they need.  This will actually begin to heal them.

Basically, you need to acknowledge their hurt and give it expression; then meet it with kindness.  "Expressive writing" is a good tool for this:
https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/expressive_writing
This purely self-guided practice has been scientifically shown to even make wounds heal faster.

Also, EMDR is an excellent form of therapy for trauma.  It also works by connecting you with your unhealed distress and bringing it to the surface, so it can be released.  https://www.emdria.org/find-a-therapist/

I hope this makes sense - if not, send me a PM as I don't often follow threads.  Good luck!

[flofrog]

Wonderful, Stranger.

Best, best wishes 888..

I know EMDR has worked with many of our veterans here in California, suffering from PTSD

[Black Dragon]

I've stayed mostly away from this forum for a bit to take a breather, step back, and process my own stuff so to speak. Also, to sort of get away from too much thinking and philosophizing and start to look for methods of working on/with myself that are not so cognitive or "brain" based, and are more holistic. That's still an ongoing process that I've only made a little headway into, and I didn't really have any major inclination to post on here for a while longer, but I saw this thread and to a large extent, understand and relate to what you are going through. Fair warning: this will be a big post.

I'm going to try the best I can to share some perspectives that might help, though I'm far from undistorted myself, and any insight I share is stuff I'm still working on myself and still may be struggling, to some extent, to put into practice or fully apply in my own life. Regardless, I feel that doing my best on the chance you might find it helpful is preferable to just staying silent. With the utmost respect, I'm going to be pretty blunt and honest with some of the points I make.

First off, you seem to have a distorted view of polarity and how it works in general, and I know because your biases on the subject mirror my own. This is still something I'm struggling with myself, and something that's expressed and discussed quite a bit on this forum recently. How you are seeing it is a false paradigm of abusers and victims, predators and prey, those who instigate and feed off suffering and those who experience and endure it to provide sustenance for those who instigate it. This is a hole I'm in the process of climbing out of myself, and it's very easy to get caught up in because on the surface and to the cognitive mind, this is exactly how polarity appears to be structured, especially by those who predisposed to a positive orientation yet have had lives full of too much suffering and unjust adversity.

To quote the famous line from Star Wars..."IT'S A TRAP"! It's a false paradigm created by the conditions of veiling and being human, and it's amplified, exacerbated, and pushed/peddled by STS beings. It's very salubrious for them to have us believe that, because it can cause those who are inherently positive to turn to the STS path. How much or little success they have on it matters not, either way it works out good for their agendas.

They would want you to believe that STO is all about suffering, sacrifice, austerity, self-denial, loss of individuality, victimhood, powerlessness, weakness, and conformity, and that joy is unimportant or has no place on the positive path(and they even have some beings masquerading as STO ETS/angels/ascended masters and what have you to promote this fake dogmatic version of STO. Some of these beings might even believe they are positive). It's a lie, although it can seem a very convincing one behind this veil.

In actuality, the STS path is the one that is very rigid, extreme, and narrow in its focus, while TRUE STO is more balanced, holistic, and centered. You've got practically half of your available focus to take care of JUST yourself on the positive path(not to mention all the opportunities in creating win-win situations that create joy for both yourself and others at the same time), because you are equally worthy of happiness as all those you would serve. The STS path doesn't believe in win-win situations. They have a zero-sum rather than zero-point worldview; somebody has to lose for somebody else to win. The FAKE STO path you(and I) find so repellant is exactly the same. Win-win is "cheating" or "unpolarized" or "not positive", and to be properly STO is to be a victim/loser/martyr/etc. It sounds like just another side of a two-piece STS system designed to create misery...because that's exactly what it is.

It sounds like this "mentor" type figure you've had in your life is pushing the false STO mindset on his "disciples", while at the same time displaying behavior of his own that is STS. This is because he's a fucking charlatan, and at best he's just a messed up, confused, and distorted human who's got his own stuff to work through, and at worst, could be consciously polarizing towards STS and manipulating people. That's exactly what one gets, though, when one craves outside authority and denies their own power. I'm sad to say this is looking like another theme with you that you are going to have to address.

Feeling powerless and not too self confident because of factors in your life(understandable and relatable for sure), you turned to this this person's authority. After that, you turned to the authority of channeled material and such, which you interpreted as only giving you two very narrow, joyless, dogmatic polarity options. When you realized (what you thought was) STO wasn't working out for you, instead of thinking for yourself or contemplating on why that might be, or that your interpretation or approach might be off, you simply jumped ship to the other path, knowing it sucks but thinking it might suck less. What's more, you didn't even attempt the negative path in a self-directed way either....craving outside authority to direct you once again, you went and got yourself some new "life coaches" of LITERALLY the worst fucking kind.

I'm no compendium on "demonology", but I'm familiar with the name Belial. This being(or perhaps it's a whole race or SMC) is largely responsible for the corruption and subsequent destruction of Atlantis, at least the first time around about 40,000 years ago. I'm sure he orchestrated or had a major hand in the final one too. This being is also mentioned in the book of Enoch, when he is taken up to see all the impostor angels and demons and overlords. Very tall and reptilian, albino if I remember the description right. Beings like this are responsible for pushing the fake STO paradigm that lead you right to him.

The STS path is a dead end. It does play a roll in the dynamic of our universe in a way that's necessary to some extent, but by mid 6d, they realize that they need others too, it just takes a lot longer. It may seem that one would be happier on this path in terms of independence, security, and the meeting of personal needs and desires-just look out for number one, no guilt, and no opposition(as positive beings won't psychically attack and try to undermine your progress like negative ones will do to those polarizing STO). Seems a lot more easy and free, right? But that's only if your really capable of just not having empathy for others, or remorse or guild or anything, and ok with basically being alone with no real intimate or loving connections, just either using or being used in the hierarchy (which STS is always a lot more about hierarchy then they let on trying to sell you a very libertarian image of STS).

If you are really that kind of person, a stone cold sociopath with a solipsistic world view, that doesn't have empathy for others, loves their own company, and isn't bothered by being alone with no meaningful connections, and all your joy comes from/all your desires are based on material pursuits, competition/winning, and serving the self rather than interaction with and relating to others, then maybe you would be a lot happier and healthier on the STS path...but from what little I know about you, you don't strike me as that type at all, so the STS path would be just as miserable to you as the fake STO one.

If you put in half the effort you put into contacting and summoning those STS beings into connecting with your higher self, maybe things might have turned out better for you, because that's the only "authority" you should be listening to(I hate saying "should", but you get the point). I've never been partial to authority(one of my own biases/wanderer armor/past life stuff), but there's times I definitely crave support and guidance, so I can still understand where you were coming from with some of your views and actions.

The last major portion I'd like to address is something Eckhart Tolle calls the "pain body". It's part of the ego and shadow side that carries all your unprocessed catalyst and unhealed pain, and takes on a sort of rogue autonomy. At that point, it will act from the standpoint of self-preservation, meaning it will try to get you not to heal and to stay suck on the same crap. If you let it, it will actually continue to attract suffering and harsh catalyst into your life, the same types which made it in the first place, which can make it feel as if the universe is "punishing you" even though you are on the STO path, or worse yet, BECAUSE you are on the STO path, leading one to believe that the STO path is nothing but punishment and sacrifice and suffering. This is something I'm in the middle of the process of working on within myself.

This reminds me of something Agua said about blaming all your suffering on others and then subconsciously creating more of it just so you can keep blaming them, and going "See! My life sucks because of YOU!" This struck me so much because I saw it in myself, and like a lot of other things I mentioned, is an issue I'm still processing myself.

My biggest suggestion would be to try and get out of your head a bit and find some modalities of working with yourself that are less based on thinking/cognition. This is an area I have trouble and am just starting to address, I'll let you know if I find something really substantial that works for me. Another big one is to stop giving your power away to outside authorities(human or otherwise) and try to connect with your higher self instead. Work with your pain body and shadow side. When you do these things, you'll give yourself the room and possibility to change the way you look at stuff like polarity to a way that is authentic and comes from within, and you won't be susceptible to false paradigms.

[Asolsutsesvyl]

That reminds me of some thoughts I had but didn't post, and makes for broadening the discussion a bit...

To quote the famous line from Star Wars..."IT'S A TRAP"! It's a false paradigm created by the conditions of veiling and being human, and it's amplified, exacerbated, and pushed/peddled by STS beings. It's very salubrious for them to have us believe that, because it can cause those who are inherently positive to turn to the STS path. How much or little success they have on it matters not, either way it works out good for their agendas.

They would want you to believe that STO is all about suffering, sacrifice, austerity, self-denial, loss of individuality, victimhood, powerlessness, weakness, and conformity, and that joy is unimportant or has no place on the positive path(and they even have some beings masquerading as STO ETS/angels/ascended masters and what have you to promote this fake dogmatic version of STO. Some of these beings might even believe they are positive). It's a lie, although it can seem a very convincing one behind this veil.

In actuality, the STS path is the one that is very rigid, extreme, and narrow in its focus, while TRUE STO is more balanced, holistic, and centered. You've got practically half of your available focus to take care of JUST yourself on the positive path(not to mention all the opportunities in creating win-win situations that create joy for both yourself and others at the same time), because you are equally worthy of happiness as all those you would serve. The STS path doesn't believe in win-win situations. They have a zero-sum rather than zero-point worldview; somebody has to lose for somebody else to win. The FAKE STO path you(and I) find so repellant is exactly the same. Win-win is "cheating" or "unpolarized" or "not positive", and to be properly STO is to be a victim/loser/martyr/etc. It sounds like just another side of a two-piece STS system designed to create misery...because that's exactly what it is.

It sounds like this "mentor" type figure you've had in your life is pushing the false STO mindset on his "disciples", while at the same time displaying behavior of his own that is STS.

The fake STO teachings are more similar to old religious dogmas than genuine STO, which is not an accident. STS beings, both human and non-human, have found it useful to promote fake STO teachings throughout human history, and to work to replace the real with such imitations whenever the real appears.

Look more closely at Christianity, and what do you see? Jesus presents the heart of positive spirituality, but not the mind. For the mind, you need to look elsewhere, without fear of damnation. And then there's Revelations, where the "angels" make clear that they will come - from the sky - and that when they do, people will obey or burn. A pre-sci-fi alien invasion story, where the conquerors are presented as saviors.

The more naive left-hand path approaches often rebel against mainstream religious dogmas, at the core. But to people who don't have those basic views of God and all the rest, such paths in their milder forms simply look silly, and in their serious forms look self-defeating. When serious interactions with intelligent and malevolent beings enter the picture, here's how it starts to look...

Imagine a demon who wishes to enslave a person. The person is fearful. So the demon sets things up so that the person, walking through life, will painfully smash toes into something while being handed a note which says, "You didn't obey me enough! - God". The person believes the note, and, swearing and muttering while holding the foot, jumps back towards the demon who seems to offer salvation from the cruelty of God.

What's the nature of fake STO in relation to real STO? Basically, STO tends towards spiritually producing energy, while STS tends towards simply consuming it. So any big system run by highly polarized STS beings needs a big external power supply. External to the beings, but ideally not to the empire. Beings who are captured or co-opted or grown in a controlled environment, and put into a "weak" or "fake" STO configuration, become like dependable batteries or power generators who do not threaten the "Matrix" system they power up.

[dexter101]

This post is going to be fairly heavy, so read this only if you feel like you can handle it.

I have really intense PTSD. This is just a handful of the memories that float through my head on a regular basis.

I grew up in a toxic and abusive home. I dealt with a lot of racism growing up. There was one time when I was a teenager where I was badly beaten by someone shouting racial slurs at me, that left me with a permanent scar above my right eye. I'm Asian-American, and a lot of the racism against Asians gets completely ignored. Now with the pandemic, it's basically normalized because people are looking for a scapegoat.

When I was 16, I got involved with a life coach / mentor-type figure who turned out to be more like a cult leader. He championed his belief of "service" to others (he came up with this himself and wasn't influenced by any of this channeled material), and he used it as an excuse to scream at his students, go over every part of their personality and why they were selfish pieces of garbage, threaten violence, et cetera. In his eyes, he was the epitome of righteousness, and everyone else was selfish, and it was his job to make them righteous like him.

Most things involving the word 'service' leave me with a strong aversion to it and a very uncomfortable feeling.

When I went to the college that this person helped me get into, that my parents wanted me to go to, and convinced me that I wanted to go to, I dropped out after the first year because it was bringing up a lot of trauma. Whenever I tried to forgive all the people I previously spoke of, it preceded mental breakdowns.

I spent 3 years in and out of mental hospitals after this. The first one I went to, I was forcibly brought in by deception, injected with substances against my will multiple times, and once I was injected with enough sedatives for someone three times my body weight, which could have left me dead. This hospital was shut down years later for being unsafe. Here's the news article about it.

https://www.boston25news.com/news/westwo...for%20good.

I've posted about this before. This is where I was at back in 2018 before the first time I left the forums to polarize negatively. I'm fully aware of the cyclical nature of this.

The first time in my life I felt some semblance of mental stability and self-worth is when I embraced my anger and pain as something desirable, something to draw power from. I stopped because part of me was afraid that negativity was false, that it would all be meaningless in the end. But there's a war between my conscious and my subconscious on many levels.

I feel much better when I'm negative. I try to forgive them, I try to forgive myself. But trying to love people I'd rather hate seems to send me on a downward spiral. I'm just scratching the surface of everything, and there's a lot more that I haven't spoken on.

Is it worth to keep the current programming? If not, how would you "convince" your brain that the upgrade is worth it?

I can't find many ways to convince myself that it's worth it to keep going positive. Part of me wants to, and the other part is very uncomfortable with the idea of virtue being its own reward. Sometimes positivity feels like embracing the dynamic of an abusive relationship as the victim, taking on a certain degree of masochism.

There are no answers that we have to give you. We can only say that you are asking the correct questions. We cannot promise you riches, fame, security or happiness. We offer you only the dust, the coarse roads of the pilgrim, the harsh sun of the desert which is often traveled while the soul is in travail and a new soul is being born within. We offer you discomfort, the discomfort of change, and as you meditate and seek to know your own deep self, seek to deepen your trust, you shall find yourself more and more uncomfortable as you change more and more. This discomfort is a divine discomfort, an excellent discomfort, an encouraging discomfort, for it means that you are in truth prepared to change. You have allowed your rigidity of belief to melt into the malleable, impressionable thought processes which are powered by the energy gained from dropping the old programs that have been to you in some way destructive.

Each of you has a different way of destroying self-esteem within the self, a different way of rationalizing. Do not condemn yourselves, pilgrims. Move to one who is in pastoral relationship with you and speak your thoughts freely, for you are the Creator speaking to the Creator, and you must needs find entities whom you may trust to that extent, else you shall be alone and confused in the outer world. But when you have expressed yourself and have been heard, then it is time to carry on that which you have begun, the infinite processes of change and transformation.

You will always be on the way, you will never see the face of the one infinite Creator, for could you but see it, it would appear only as light, a light that would blind you. You are not ready for an unbiased look at the infinite One which broods over the universe and gazes upon Itself with a love so compassionate and so complete that there is no end to the loving you are receiving at this very moment, not simply from us, messengers of the Law of One, but from the Creator Itself, whose love sparkles in the air that you breathe, comes through the soles of your feet as you touch the earth, moves through the body enlivening, refreshing, restoring.

https://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/i..._0401.aspx

Some people might see beauty in this quote. I feel despair. Sometimes I worry that this is just an endless loop, that to unify with the universe and infinity is to just give myself up to enter another cycle, in another universe, where I would have to go through more suffering to progress by forgiving others. I don't want that.

I haven't made the choice yet. I'm going to meditate on it for a while.

i can feel your pain. i also feel despair. i wish more people would talk about this. i want you to remember this. despite what everyone says this world is fundamentally sts and everyone in it is sts too. even the wanderers. the cassiopeans said so btw.
earth is in the process of change. the shift to fourth density will take a few centuries to be completed. by then earth will be sto.
i know Ra might say earth is 4d sto now but you know time works much differently for them.
remember that we are in a prison of sorts. to the higher ups we could be considered scum but they care for us and want to free us from this prison, the prison that is the matrix.
now you can join the matrix and be rich and all that or you could rise above it. leave this planet and live in a heavenly realm instead of going into a hellish one after youve polarized negatively.
this is what you need to remind yourself of. in this world yes we are losers. but this world is temporary. the price is too high at least for me personally. you have to decide for your own. it might seem like its worth it but if you ever manage to contact intelligent infinity your perception will increase dramatically. even if you are just out of body its like youre someone else. your thought process expands. etc... trust me the veil keeps a lot of things in you and it makes you believe wrong things. this was designed to be this way. they wanted it to be dramatic. dont fall for it like the guy in the matrix. in the end its all an illusion, a very strong one.
i myself strive for power. i know its a bad thing but in the end i know powerful is not the one who thinks he is in control, it is he who is able to let go. to be in control is to be controlled. the very things that make the negatives powerful keep them chained.

[LukeM7]

I'm only conjecturing here, but it seems to me, and for months it seems to have been ratcheting up, that there is some kind of collective energy bringing up otherwise undealt-with catalyst for people. The sort of catalyst I refer to is the stuff perhaps that's been repressed, or issues from childhood, and other buried feelings that weren't processed.

As an observer of my own life, I witness these things coming up lately. Personally, it has been my past experience that directly dealing with imbalances isn't as efficacious as just working in general to evolve consciously forward. Many things just fall away without having to agonize over analyses when consciousness expands. I am not sure how the current wave of catalyst will play out, for myself or for the world in general.

What you said there reminds me of what Ra said in session 40:

40.15 Questioner: Thank you. A very important concept. Does the fact that basic vibration that we experience now is green true color, or fourth density, account for the fact that there are many mental effects upon material objects that are now observable for the first time in a mass way like the bending of metal by mind?

Ra: I am Ra. This shall be the final query in total of this working. This is not only correct but we suggest you take this concept further and understand the great number of entities with the so-called mental diseases being due to the effect of this green-ray true color upon the mental configurations of those unready mentally to face the self for the first time.

[AnthroHeart]

I tuned into the sun months ago and even it had some mental illness. I shifted myself (through trying to heal the sun), to this timeline where the sun is healed.