Focusing on the self

[Jeremy]

I know that focusing upon one's self is also a service to the Creator and that's exactly what I'm doing now after all of the wayward traveling I've done in the desert over the years but what I'm having difficulty with is convincing myself that it's ok. When at work, while talking to patients while I'm setting up for an xray, I talk with them but more often than not, I feel like I'm responding but not with an open heart. It feels as if I'm not ready to allow myself to feel their pain and suffering without it causing myself pain. It feels like a defense mechanism of a sort.

One particular incident where I said that I hoped they'd feel better instantly caused me to say to myself I'm saying this so that they feel comforted but I don't really mean it because I don't want to feel anything. I also said that I'm working on improving myself before attempting to help others and that bothered me quite a bit. It's like my heart has been closed. Another possibility is that since I've just begun to establish a meditation routine, I feel as if I'm not grounded enough so I end up taking on too much of the other selfs suffering. It makes me hurt inside when I connect with them and attempt to emphasize.

I'm hopeful that this is simply a process that will take time but sometimes, I feel as if I'm failing the other self by focusing upon myself. 

[RitaJC]

I know that focusing upon one's self is also a service to the Creator and that's exactly what I'm doing now after all of the wayward traveling I've done in the desert over the years but what I'm having difficulty with is convincing myself that it's ok. When at work, while talking to patients while I'm setting up for an xray, I talk with them but more often than not, I feel like I'm responding but not with an open heart. It feels as if I'm not ready to allow myself to feel their pain and suffering without it causing myself pain. It feels like a defense mechanism of a sort.

One particular incident where I said that I hoped they'd feel better instantly caused me to say to myself I'm saying this so that they feel comforted but I don't really mean it because I don't want to feel anything. I also said that I'm working on improving myself before attempting to help others and that bothered me quite a bit. It's like my heart has been closed. Another possibility is that since I've just begun to establish a meditation routine, I feel as if I'm not grounded enough so I end up taking on too much of the other selfs suffering. It makes me hurt inside when I connect with them and attempt to emphasize.

I'm hopeful that this is simply a process that will take time but sometimes, I feel as if I'm failing the other self by focusing upon myself. 

As I see it, it's OK and healthy. If you don't take care of your self you're not able to help anybody.

It's OK to focus on taking care of one's self, until a balance can be found. The barrier will fall away by itself when not needed any more.

[Sacred Fool]

You might consider that the work you're doing on your own personal level is resonant with exactly the work that most needs doing upon this planet at this time, namely, enduring the bewilderment (to play on your desert/wilderness reference) which attends the process of seeking entrance to holy ground within one's self--i.e., within your heart.

On the one hand, yes, you're simply working on yourself. But on the other hand, once that inner holiness becomes apparent to self and you are able to share that, the process becomes even more resonant with why we are here to serve. From where I stand, you are, indeed, not straying from path. You're simply struggling through one of the most confusing areas of it. Sometimes the closer you come to a goal, the more uncomfortable you feel, in part because there's an inner sense that there will be no turning back. And that's just one of the elements of confusion one has to balance out, over time.

The means appear selfish, but from a broader perspective, not so. It's your choice which to put your faith in.

[Diana]

The self IS an other-self, otherwise there is separation. Many STO individuals have a great passion to serve to the detriment of self, but this is an imbalance and carries a plethora of implications, including that the self isn't worthy of care, which by extrapolation means that no self or other-self is worthy of care, creating conflict in the action of service for one thing. Self is as important as other-selves, and so serving self is an honor from the point of view of a STO attitude.

[Sacred Fool]

 
From another of your posts.

There is much more desert in the spiritual life than there is oasis. It is simply a matter of how much you, as a spirit, wish to work in consciousness. The more that you work in consciousness, the more you will change, the more you will be transformed and the more you will be uncomfortable.

Why then, do seekers so stubbornly follow their star? Nothing, my friends, rests in the creation. All things move. And in this activity, in this manifestation, in this movement there is that which, as it is said in your holy works, passeth all understanding. The name for that which passeth all understanding within the holy work of which we speak, is peace. But it is not a peace that is understood among your peoples for it is a peace that is joyful, a peace that is vital, a peace that is merry, that may make light of the serious and may tease and play and feel one’s way as a child within the great caverns and grottoes through which one must pass in the spiritual quest, having only one faint light: that of hope. And so you move in darkness, attempting to see. And much of the energy of the incarnation is involved with the simple ability to perceive without distortion.

Now, perception without distortion is a sure yielding of joy.

It might help to think of your work as seeking the manner of perception--manner of being--which is less distorted.  That takes it somewhat out of the apparent dichotomy of self-serving versus other-serving.  It offers you simply as a seeker of Truth.
 
 

[sillypumpkins]

Diana you took the words right out of my mouth, and did a much better job than I would've wording that!!

[Strannik]

I know that focusing upon one's self is also a service to the Creator and that's exactly what I'm doing now after all of the wayward traveling I've done in the desert over the years but what I'm having difficulty with is convincing myself that it's ok. When at work, while talking to patients while I'm setting up for an xray, I talk with them but more often than not, I feel like I'm responding but not with an open heart. It feels as if I'm not ready to allow myself to feel their pain and suffering without it causing myself pain. It feels like a defense mechanism of a sort.

Try to Feel good and love, focus on this state, it should be sincere. Patients came to you, so God can help them through you, but only to those who sincerely repented, illnesses are traces of mistakes. Everyone  should go their own way and no one can go this way  instead of them.