Dark Night, Hatred, Shadow Work, and Acceptance(Please Pray for Me).

[Black Dragon]

I'm going through a really rough time now, as I have been for some years and it seems to just stay the same or get worse and not better. I've been in a weird and prolonged dark night of the soul type experience where I've learned to sort of live day to day as best in a completely broken down, weakened, and extra sensitized form for a number of years. It would be a hell of a lot to post my whole "wanderer story", or completely and properly explain all of my problems. Just know that I'm facing my shadow self right now in a prolonged DNS situation, and it seems like a losing battle. In fact, it's like this situation is consuming or has consumed all that is good in me, and my shadow is the only thing tough enough to even remain or survive in tact. I'm so full of hatred(at least the closest thing to real hatred a person dedicated to STO can feel) that's completely in the way of my true self shining through. I'll admit it. I've posted some stuff here before that may sound a bit confident, intellectual, ETC., but I never claimed adepthood, perfection or to have all the answers...on the contrary I'll freely admit to being quite flawed and in a bad place right now.

My hatred is mostly at authority that I find to be heartless and unloving, distant, manipulative, and mechanistic. This is the Earth governments and elite, secret societies, and all the ET and extra dimensional beings who came in our past and spawned all of our religions, secret societies, etc. I hate the solar guardians of this solar system who keep us oppressed and judge us from their seats of comfort and ease aboard craft or other dimensions, those judgmental cunts who have never had an Earth life and can't relate to our emotions. I want to meet new ET's who do not belong to the groups from our past who created all our problems and abandoned us and left us holding the bag, then judged us for it to boot. I want them to f*** off and never return. I think most humans, as flawed as they are, are more heart-centered and worthy of the power and technology these worthless, mechanistic beings posses. I feel the system of polarity as it currently stands creates way too much misery and no real progress, which is a way for lazy self-serving beings to feed indefinitely off of our misery. It's a broken system by and for dumbasses, and I'm smarter and better than it, even from my 3d human flawed perspective, because these beings have no emotions and no love, no matter how mechanically "perfect" they seem.

I feel abandoned and used like a chess piece by my "guides", whatever ET's I'm connected to, ETC. I feel they are all incapable of real love and relating to life on earth because they have it easy and judge us yet never had to deal with the life we do. I am not some expendable, martyr piece of s*** who's only purpose here is to suffer. To a universe that treats me and all I hold dear like s***, why should I react nice? Why should I smile at a creator that squeezes my "physical orange ray bits" mercilessly in its fist and feeds off my agony? Its like some idea of boot camp like it can abuse me into being a nice person. f*** that. You s*** on all my joy, then I refuse to play this game. f*** their mechanistic versions of what it is to be STO, their little martyr sheep crap is just one piece of a two piece system for generating MISERY.

These beings will interfere(and have) to CREATE problems for us, but interfering to SOLVE them would be interference . The beings seem to be such worthless mechanistic pieces of s***, and I know there's a part of me that's as big and powerful as they are or more, but I'm stuck at their mercy(or lack of it more accurately) in this shitty human body and mind. I guess that's part of where some of the requisite self-hatred to even feel this bad comes from.

So please, I'm sorry if this rant is offensive to anyone, but I'm being real about how I feel, as messed up as it is. I just want to feel like I'm loved, that there is real good out there, and that somebody actually cares about me in the grand scheme of things, beyond my use to them as a chess piece in their stupid fucking polarity games. I'm tired of dogmas and mechanistic s***, I want to feel that real, hear-centered love is out there. There can't be ALL bad out there, so its probably not that there's a lack of love so much as I myself am blocked and not open to receiving it. I feel like I've had too much misery piled on me in this life to handle or be of any use or service to others, but no helping hand to ease any of it.

Please pray for me. I'm fighting so hard but the hardest fight is to stop fighting. I try to start working with myself using a mental health concept known as ACT as a basis and incorporating spirituality and other stuff, and I know deep down there's something useful here, but the modality involves acceptance...which is something I'm struggling with so much right now.

[zvonimir]

Idkn what has come to this world in last 2years ,getting nothing but rejections,pain and suffering .and no matter how much i try to help and fix this broken life i end up breaking even more then i fixed or helped,dark mode ,phase whatever is called ,am done with it ,lost the will to participate in this

Thinking about you dragon and praying but honestly with no reserve i dont want anyone to pray for me i just want this to end and never to return to this planet again ...lost the will to put 1 more letter here....

[RitaJC]

I'm going through a really rough time now, as I have been for some years and it seems to just stay the same or get worse and not better. I've been in a weird and prolonged dark night of the soul type experience where I've learned to sort of live day to day as best in a completely broken down, weakened, and extra sensitized form for a number of years. It would be a hell of a lot to post my whole "wanderer story", or completely and properly explain all of my problems. Just know that I'm facing my shadow self right now in a prolonged DNS situation, and it seems like a losing battle. In fact, it's like this situation is consuming or has consumed all that is good in me, and my shadow is the only thing tough enough to even remain or survive in tact. I'm so full of hatred(at least the closest thing to real hatred a person dedicated to STO can feel) that's completely in the way of my true self shining through. I'll admit it. I've posted some stuff here before that may sound a bit confident, intellectual, ETC., but I never claimed adepthood, perfection or to have all the answers...on the contrary I'll freely admit to being quite flawed and in a bad place right now.

My hatred is mostly at authority that I find to be heartless and unloving, distant, manipulative, and mechanistic. This is the Earth governments and elite, secret societies, and all the ET and extra dimensional beings who came in our past and spawned all of our religions, secret societies, etc. I hate the solar guardians of this solar system who keep us oppressed and judge us from their seats of comfort and ease aboard craft or other dimensions, those judgmental cunts who have never had an Earth life and can't relate to our emotions. I want to meet new ET's who do not belong to the groups from our past who created all our problems and abandoned us and left us holding the bag, then judged us for it to boot. I want them to f*** off and never return. I think most humans, as flawed as they are, are more heart-centered and worthy of the power and technology these worthless, mechanistic beings posses. I feel the system of polarity as it currently stands creates way too much misery and no real progress, which is a way for lazy self-serving beings to feed indefinitely off of our misery. It's a broken system by and for dumbasses, and I'm smarter and better than it, even from my 3d human flawed perspective, because these beings have no emotions and no love, no matter how mechanically "perfect" they seem.

I feel abandoned and used like a chess piece by my "guides", whatever ET's I'm connected to, ETC. I feel they are all incapable of real love and relating to life on earth because they have it easy and judge us yet never had to deal with the life we do. I am not some expendable, martyr piece of s*** who's only purpose here is to suffer. To a universe that treats me and all I hold dear like s***, why should I react nice? Why should I smile at a creator that squeezes my "physical orange ray bits" mercilessly in its fist and feeds off my agony? Its like some idea of boot camp like it can abuse me into being a nice person. f*** that. You s*** on all my joy, then I refuse to play this game. f*** their mechanistic versions of what it is to be STO, their little martyr sheep crap is just one piece of a two piece system for generating MISERY.

These beings will interfere(and have) to CREATE problems for us, but interfering to SOLVE them would be interference . The beings seem to be such worthless mechanistic pieces of s***, and I know there's a part of me that's as big and powerful as they are or more, but I'm stuck at their mercy(or lack of it more accurately) in this shitty human body and mind. I guess that's part of where some of the requisite self-hatred to even feel this bad comes from.

So please, I'm sorry if this rant is offensive to anyone, but I'm being real about how I feel, as messed up as it is. I just want to feel like I'm loved, that there is real good out there, and that somebody actually cares about me in the grand scheme of things, beyond my use to them as a chess piece in their stupid fucking polarity games. I'm tired of dogmas and mechanistic s***, I want to feel that real, hear-centered love is out there. There can't be ALL bad out there, so its probably not that there's a lack of love so much as I myself am blocked and not open to receiving it. I feel like I've had too much misery piled on me in this life to handle or be of any use or service to others, but no helping hand to ease any of it.

Please pray for me. I'm fighting so hard but the hardest fight is to stop fighting. I try to start working with myself using a mental health concept known as ACT as a basis and incorporating spirituality and other stuff, and I know deep down there's something useful here, but the modality involves acceptance...which is something I'm struggling with so much right now.

I hear you loud and clear. Been there for decades. Not any more. I'm pretty sure I can help you.

Interested? Drop me a PM and let's talk (no strings attached)

[Black Dragon]

I'm going through a really rough time now, as I have been for some years and it seems to just stay the same or get worse and not better. I've been in a weird and prolonged dark night of the soul type experience where I've learned to sort of live day to day as best in a completely broken down, weakened, and extra sensitized form for a number of years. It would be a hell of a lot to post my whole "wanderer story", or completely and properly explain all of my problems. Just know that I'm facing my shadow self right now in a prolonged DNS situation, and it seems like a losing battle. In fact, it's like this situation is consuming or has consumed all that is good in me, and my shadow is the only thing tough enough to even remain or survive in tact. I'm so full of hatred(at least the closest thing to real hatred a person dedicated to STO can feel) that's completely in the way of my true self shining through. I'll admit it. I've posted some stuff here before that may sound a bit confident, intellectual, ETC., but I never claimed adepthood, perfection or to have all the answers...on the contrary I'll freely admit to being quite flawed and in a bad place right now.

My hatred is mostly at authority that I find to be heartless and unloving, distant, manipulative, and mechanistic. This is the Earth governments and elite, secret societies, and all the ET and extra dimensional beings who came in our past and spawned all of our religions, secret societies, etc. I hate the solar guardians of this solar system who keep us oppressed and judge us from their seats of comfort and ease aboard craft or other dimensions, those judgmental cunts who have never had an Earth life and can't relate to our emotions. I want to meet new ET's who do not belong to the groups from our past who created all our problems and abandoned us and left us holding the bag, then judged us for it to boot. I want them to f*** off and never return. I think most humans, as flawed as they are, are more heart-centered and worthy of the power and technology these worthless, mechanistic beings posses. I feel the system of polarity as it currently stands creates way too much misery and no real progress, which is a way for lazy self-serving beings to feed indefinitely off of our misery. It's a broken system by and for dumbasses, and I'm smarter and better than it, even from my 3d human flawed perspective, because these beings have no emotions and no love, no matter how mechanically "perfect" they seem.

I feel abandoned and used like a chess piece by my "guides", whatever ET's I'm connected to, ETC. I feel they are all incapable of real love and relating to life on earth because they have it easy and judge us yet never had to deal with the life we do. I am not some expendable, martyr piece of s*** who's only purpose here is to suffer. To a universe that treats me and all I hold dear like s***, why should I react nice? Why should I smile at a creator that squeezes my "physical orange ray bits" mercilessly in its fist and feeds off my agony? Its like some idea of boot camp like it can abuse me into being a nice person. f*** that. You s*** on all my joy, then I refuse to play this game. f*** their mechanistic versions of what it is to be STO, their little martyr sheep crap is just one piece of a two piece system for generating MISERY.

These beings will interfere(and have) to CREATE problems for us, but interfering to SOLVE them would be interference . The beings seem to be such worthless mechanistic pieces of s***, and I know there's a part of me that's as big and powerful as they are or more, but I'm stuck at their mercy(or lack of it more accurately) in this shitty human body and mind. I guess that's part of where some of the requisite self-hatred to even feel this bad comes from.

So please, I'm sorry if this rant is offensive to anyone, but I'm being real about how I feel, as messed up as it is. I just want to feel like I'm loved, that there is real good out there, and that somebody actually cares about me in the grand scheme of things, beyond my use to them as a chess piece in their stupid fucking polarity games. I'm tired of dogmas and mechanistic s***, I want to feel that real, hear-centered love is out there. There can't be ALL bad out there, so its probably not that there's a lack of love so much as I myself am blocked and not open to receiving it. I feel like I've had too much misery piled on me in this life to handle or be of any use or service to others, but no helping hand to ease any of it.

Please pray for me. I'm fighting so hard but the hardest fight is to stop fighting. I try to start working with myself using a mental health concept known as ACT as a basis and incorporating spirituality and other stuff, and I know deep down there's something useful here, but the modality involves acceptance...which is something I'm struggling with so much right now.

I hear you loud and clear. Been there for decades. Not any more. I'm pretty sure I can help you.

Interested? Drop me a PM and let's talk (no strings attached)

Thanks, I definitely appreciate it, and I think I'll take you up on the offer and have a chat. I'm up late now and about to knock out for the night, but I'll shoot you a PM tomorrow morning or afternoon. There's a lot going on in my life and a lot in the past/childhood (wanderer story sort of stuff) and some mental health stuff that ties in, so I'll sort of give you the over view of where I'm at in life both in outer and inner circumstances, what some of my main problems are, and what I'm trying to do or would like to do to maybe start working them out. If you end up having more specific and pointed questions we can go from there and I can address them individually.

[Diana]

@ RitaJC: Thank you for always offering the service of help to those who ask.

@ Black Dragon: No need to apologize for your "rant." I appreciate truth—where are we without it? I also understand your feelings. They are natural given the situation on Earth at this time. I agree to some extent about beings not down here in the 3D/early 4D trenches, though I'm sure that the ones who are STO do not intend to be cavalier.

It is what it is (though that offers little comfort). I think this reality on Earth can be quite confusing. For one thing, there are physical survival needs that must be met: food, shelter, sex, family (tribe) which without we can hardly be expected to "think positively" or maintain a higher consciousness. People who are secure in their survival (those with trust funds, some wealth, and the like) never seem to get this, and it's understandable since they have no experience of it. 

We are all walking our individual paths along the steps of light. It is good that you allow your true feelings to surface, even if they are counter to what is accepted by normal standards (even here on B4). What you do from here is your choice(s), and the only suggestion I can make is to intend that you continue to move forward consciously, be open to catalyst (which is everything in this reality: joyful as well as difficult), and know that there are others who understand your struggle.

Good luck in your journey. <3

[Black Dragon]

Idkn what has come to this world in last 2years ,getting nothing but rejections,pain and suffering .and no matter how much i try to help and fix this broken life i end up breaking even more then i fixed or helped,dark mode ,phase whatever is called ,am done with it ,lost the will to participate in this

Thinking about you dragon and praying but honestly with no reserve i dont want anyone to pray for me i just want this to end and never to return to this planet again ...lost the will to put 1 more letter here....

I did not even see your post late last night, scrolled up and found it this morning, or I would have already commented. It makes me said to hear you say you just want it to end, and even though I feel that way too sometimes, leaving this incarnation early is not productive and won't solve your problems in the long run. I sincerely appreciate your prayers and thoughts and even responding to this thread at all. I will be praying for you, but better yet, I will keep you in my mind and heart as I work on healing myself. I heard of this sort of old Hawaiian healing modality where the healer doesn't even have to see or touch the person being healed. What happens is, the healer focuses on the issues of the one to be healed, and finds their mirrors within him/herself and works on healing these things in the self, and it creates this sort of morphic field connection, a door or opening for the other person to heal as well. This apparently is very effective because this is a free will zone, so while I can't take your problems away(and we seem to have a lot of similar problems), I can help in that manner.

When we seek together, the result is empowered exponentially. Maybe it works the same if we seek healing together. This goes for anyone else also having difficulties at this time if you are reading this thread. Let me know, and I will have you in my focus as well while I do this. I still feel like s***, but today is a new day, and today I'm at least going to start making an effort at healing myself and opening up. I can't afford to be such an angry jackass right now, because as messed up as my life is, there are at least a few people directly in it that care about me, and there is good out there in humanity and in Earth's morphic fields, and just cause everything's not perfect and they can't solve all my problems, I should not shut myself down and I should value and be open to their love.
On the same note, this extends to other beings. I want the childhood innocence again of one fascinated and curious about ET'S rather than wary, resentful, judgmental, envious, etc. I believe at the moment the nature of most or virtually all of the contact relating to our shift/harvest is positive (with the negatives being more remnants/earthbound ET's from the past, Djinn, certain beings living underground or entering from portals there) and as far as coming from space there are new and fresh faces here and on the way that aren't part of the same old agendas on Earth. I want to be in a good place to make contact.

Zvonimir, just know I'm with you my dude. RitaJC, I'll be dropping you that PM today sooner rather than later. I'm going to try to work on myself some today as well. Diana, thank you for the kind words and concern. Thanks to anyone who stops in to post here, prays for me, shares something, etc.

[flofrog]

You are going to be ok black dragon, much love

zvonimir hang on here !! Don’t give up, you are us too, we are you

[Aion]

It's not unusual how you feel, I think I've seen this exact post from a dozen or two other individuals across the span of this forum. I may have made it myself in the past. That isn't to diminish what you are experiencing but rather to point to perhaps a common condition and experience being shared between different individuated consciousnesses.

All I think I can say on this matter is that the way is through the shadow, not in it. Yet it will give you many false lights to follow. Look only to silence and listen only to your own voice as you command it to speak, negating all others.

You may benefit from the Heart Sutra:

The Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore

Avalokiteshvara
while practicing deeply with
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore,
suddenly discovered that
all of the five Skandhas are equally empty,
and with this realisation
he overcame all Ill-being.

“Listen Sariputra,
this Body itself is Emptiness
and Emptiness itself is this Body.
This Body is not other than Emptiness
and Emptiness is not other than this Body.
The same is true of Feelings,
Perceptions, Mental Formations,
and Consciousness.

“Listen Sariputra,
all phenomena bear the mark of Emptiness;
their true nature is the nature of
no Birth no Death,
no Being no Non-being,
no Defilement no Purity,
no Increasing no Decreasing.

“That is why in Emptiness,
Body, Feelings, Perceptions,
Mental Formations and Consciousness
are not separate self entities.

The Eighteen Realms of Phenomena
which are the six Sense Organs,
the six Sense Objects,
and the six Consciousnesses
are also not separate self entities.

The Twelve Links of Interdependent Arising
and their Extinction
are also not separate self entities.
Ill-being, the Causes of Ill-being,
the End of Ill-being, the Path,
insight and attainment,
are also not separate self entities.

Whoever can see this
no longer needs anything to attain.

Bodhisattvas who practice
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
see no more obstacles in their mind,
and because there
are no more obstacles in their mind,
they can overcome all fear,
destroy all wrong perceptions
and realize Perfect Nirvana.

“All Buddhas in the past, present and future
by practicing
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
are all capable of attaining
Authentic and Perfect Enlightenment.

“Therefore Sariputra,
it should be known that
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
is a Great Mantra,
the most illuminating mantra,
the highest mantra,
a mantra beyond compare,
the True Wisdom that has the power
to put an end to all kinds of suffering.
Therefore let us proclaim
a mantra to praise
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore.

Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!
Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!
Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!”

https://plumvillage.org/about/thich-nhat...anslation/

[Black Dragon]

It's not unusual how you feel, I think I've seen this exact post from a dozen or two other individuals across the span of this forum. I may have made it myself in the past. That isn't to diminish what you are experiencing but rather to point to perhaps a common condition and experience being shared between different individuated consciousnesses.

All I think I can say on this matter is that the way is through the shadow, not in it. Yet it will give you many false lights to follow. Look only to silence and listen only to your own voice as you command it to speak, negating all others.

You may benefit from the Heart Sutra:

The Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore

Avalokiteshvara
while practicing deeply with
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore,
suddenly discovered that
all of the five Skandhas are equally empty,
and with this realisation
he overcame all Ill-being.

“Listen Sariputra,
this Body itself is Emptiness
and Emptiness itself is this Body.
This Body is not other than Emptiness
and Emptiness is not other than this Body.
The same is true of Feelings,
Perceptions, Mental Formations,
and Consciousness.

“Listen Sariputra,
all phenomena bear the mark of Emptiness;
their true nature is the nature of
no Birth no Death,
no Being no Non-being,
no Defilement no Purity,
no Increasing no Decreasing.

“That is why in Emptiness,
Body, Feelings, Perceptions,
Mental Formations and Consciousness
are not separate self entities.

The Eighteen Realms of Phenomena
which are the six Sense Organs,
the six Sense Objects,
and the six Consciousnesses
are also not separate self entities.

The Twelve Links of Interdependent Arising
and their Extinction
are also not separate self entities.
Ill-being, the Causes of Ill-being,
the End of Ill-being, the Path,
insight and attainment,
are also not separate self entities.

Whoever can see this
no longer needs anything to attain.

Bodhisattvas who practice
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
see no more obstacles in their mind,
and because there
are no more obstacles in their mind,
they can overcome all fear,
destroy all wrong perceptions
and realize Perfect Nirvana.

“All Buddhas in the past, present and future
by practicing
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
are all capable of attaining
Authentic and Perfect Enlightenment.

“Therefore Sariputra,
it should be known that
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
is a Great Mantra,
the most illuminating mantra,
the highest mantra,
a mantra beyond compare,
the True Wisdom that has the power
to put an end to all kinds of suffering.
Therefore let us proclaim
a mantra to praise
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore.

Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!
Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!
Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!”

https://plumvillage.org/about/thich-nhat...anslation/

Thank you for sharing that. I will read it more than once and keep it on reference. There seems to be a certain energy(with a very calming character) to it beyond just the words or even the meaning of it. There are inspiring things and not so inspiring things from all Earth religions, and I don't consider myself affiliated with any one of them or another, though respect and study a bit from all. I have to say though, out of all of them, I'm a little more biased/connected with Buddhism than the others. This was very thoughtful, and I really appreciate your sharing it.

And no, I know it's not unusual for people with similar feelings and issues to come here and post basically the same spiel/rant as me. In fact, when I was lurking/browsing here a lot a few years back, I read a lot of those, some maybe with a bit more eloquence than mine, some with a bit less...I'll never forget the term "demiurgic buttpuppets", I really do adore that term and it made me laugh a bit when I read it, though I do feel really bad for the guy who posted it and what he was(is?) going through. I found some of those posts a bit extreme and thought if I ever got around to posting here I'd have something a bit more advanced and positive to share than that. Nope. Took a good look at myself and realized I'm pretty much in the same boat. I'll agree that while individual reasons, conditions, and details vary, these feelings and issues are archetypal stuff that like you said, is a common condition shared by many individual consciousnesses.

My reasons for laying it all out on the table and how I proceed from here is what will differ from some of those who posted these issues here before. I'm coming from the perspective of wanting to change, and I know the changes I need to make are with myself. I am not here to endlessly rant and spew resentment, or to argue against any and all help and input I receive here, as I saw in a couple situations in my lurking days. I'm here to heal, even if I have to move a bit out of my comfort zone to do so. I PM'd RitaJC and took her up on the offer to chat, leaving a huge wall of a backstory. This thread lays out what I feel, but the information I gave her goes into the why part as far as my life experiences, both inner and outer. At the same time I'm engaging people on here, I'm finding my own ways and methods to help with healing and shadow integration work. Since these are such archetypal themes and there are a lot of people either here now or who have posted in the past dealing with the same problems, I feel that healing these issues in myself will help create openings for them to do so as well.

[Minyatur]

Well the first thing I'd like to point out is the Law of One. You seem to be separating beings a lot and in the idea that this would be a paradox of some sort then it is somewhat a dead end in resolving things. The other thing is that you seem to make a whole lot of assumptions about beings you probably know very little about. While I don't think it is inexcusable per say, it does seem to me somewhat insincere in addressing one's own anger. It might be easier to release it if you address it as being just your own anger, rather than justify it to remain through external actors.

Regarding unconditional love, I am not sure if this is a suggestion you will like, but I would recommend trying MDMA. Not ecstasy/molly/whatever, but the actual white as-pure-as-you-can-find-it MDMA. There is a lot of information about it on the web, so you can read about what it can enable you to experience.

Having experienced it, this article seemed not bad in explaining things about it:
https://thedea.org/mdma-ecstasy-molly-us...-the-high/

First time users often say that MDMA was a lot of fun, as expected…but it also left them changed in some small way. They viewed the world with a little more optimism. They viewed themselves and their lives with more compassion. They were more able to be open and trusting of others. There is, of course, a good neurological reason for this: Part of MDMA’s effect is to enhance learning mechanisms in your brain (or, as the animal behavioralists might put it, “MDMA enhances the acquisition of conditioned responses.”) Almost every experience we have in life becomes part of us, recorded in our brains as algorithms and weighted variables about who and what we are and what the world around us is. A traumatic experience can profoundly damage that sense of self and perspective on the world. By the same token, an ecstatic experience (to use the religious sense of the word) can elevate and expand it. For someone who doubts whether they deserve to be loved, what is it worth to know with every fiber of your being that you are loved? For someone who has suffered horribly, what is it worth to find a moment of perfect peace and grace?

MDMA can be a religious experience without the religion. It doesn’t tell people what to think or believe or do: It shows them a glimpse of what the human experience is capable of being like. MDMA can bring out the best in the human soul.

That feeling of rightness and peace will fade over the coming days and weeks, but that doesn’t mean it has to go away completely. An ecstatic experience will always be a part of you in some small way, regardless of how it was produced.

To me MDMA really opens the heart ray and enables a deep sense of empathy toward both yourself and others. If you try this approach, I would deeply suggest that at some point you try to empty your thoughts and just deeply focus on your breathing/heart, this might very well be the nicest thing you will have experienced in your life and might just be what you are looking for. In this state, it's like breathing sanctifies and purifies your being.

[AnthroHeart]

I don't have access to MDMA, but I can resonate myself with the energy of it.

[Black Dragon]

Well the first thing I'd like to point out is the Law of One. You seem to be separating beings a lot and in the idea that this would be a paradox of some sort then it is somewhat a dead end in resolving things. The other thing is that you seem to make a whole lot of assumptions about beings you probably know very little about. While I don't think it is inexcusable per say, it does seem to me somewhat insincere in addressing one's own anger. It might be easier to release it if you address it as being just your own anger, rather than justify it to remain through external actors.

Regarding unconditional love, I am not sure if this is a suggestion you will like, but I would recommend trying MDMA. Not ecstasy/molly/whatever, but the actual white as-pure-as-you-can-find-it MDMA. There is a lot of information about it on the web, so you can read about what it can enable you to experience.

Having experienced it, this article seemed not bad in explaining things about it:
https://thedea.org/mdma-ecstasy-molly-us...-the-high/

First time users often say that MDMA was a lot of fun, as expected…but it also left them changed in some small way. They viewed the world with a little more optimism. They viewed themselves and their lives with more compassion. They were more able to be open and trusting of others. There is, of course, a good neurological reason for this: Part of MDMA’s effect is to enhance learning mechanisms in your brain (or, as the animal behavioralists might put it, “MDMA enhances the acquisition of conditioned responses.”) Almost every experience we have in life becomes part of us, recorded in our brains as algorithms and weighted variables about who and what we are and what the world around us is. A traumatic experience can profoundly damage that sense of self and perspective on the world. By the same token, an ecstatic experience (to use the religious sense of the word) can elevate and expand it. For someone who doubts whether they deserve to be loved, what is it worth to know with every fiber of your being that you are loved? For someone who has suffered horribly, what is it worth to find a moment of perfect peace and grace?

MDMA can be a religious experience without the religion. It doesn’t tell people what to think or believe or do: It shows them a glimpse of what the human experience is capable of being like. MDMA can bring out the best in the human soul.

That feeling of rightness and peace will fade over the coming days and weeks, but that doesn’t mean it has to go away completely. An ecstatic experience will always be a part of you in some small way, regardless of how it was produced.

To me MDMA really opens the heart ray and enables a deep sense of empathy toward both yourself and others. If you try this approach, I would deeply suggest that at some point you try to empty your thoughts and just deeply focus on your breathing/heart, this might very well be the nicest thing you will have experienced in your life and might just be what you are looking for. In this state, it's like breathing sanctifies and purifies your being.

A thoughtful reply, much appreciated. The rant was sort of to get the worst of the feelings out on the table, and no, some of them are not very rational and are perhaps willfully ignorant in some ways, and terribly incongruent with my higher self and genuine truth, but emotions don't need a rational basis to feel a certain way about things. The purpose about that post was to be honest about the nasty feelings, however irrational, ignorant, or unbecoming they might be. The comment about making assumptions about beings I know very little about, and not being fully sincere about my own anger by blaming external factors? Fair enough in a lot of regards, when I self-examine closely. I've had what were most likely positive contact experiences early on, but it sort of stopped around age 10-12 and some of what I experienced a lot from then on seemed like psychic attacks and possibly psychotronic weapons.

There are feelings of abandonment and betrayal and being thrown to the wolves with no protection or guidance. I think my higher self knows a lot about different beings, but my small mind is indeed quite ignorant. I was quite the "alien enthusiast"(and still am at heart) in the beginning flowery/honeymoon phases of my seeking and at earlier points in my life, until the dark night phase where all the shadow crap started coming out. I admitted that I'm probably passing blanket judgements and throwing all of these non-human entities in the same box, but the part of me that's resentful says "well maybe I know so little about them due to their profound absence and lack of support in my own life. Maybe if they engaged me more and didn't abandon me I'd know who they really are and wouldn't have to question their love, their character, or their own sincerity. Maybe if they are just sitting back and not helping, they are as bad as the ones that would do me harm, because they are all the best of chess club friends together in the higher densities and I'm just a pawn on the board." Is there not some rationale behind how a person could feel that way, as distorted as it may be?

But alas, you are probably right, and I don't think this resentment does me any good. Maybe their apparent absence in my  life isn't their choice but my own, that my own blockages, judgments, and fears are closing me to positive contact and perceiving love? A sobering thought, but one that takes responsibility, and with responsibility and ownership of the problem, or at least my part in it, there does start to come a feeling that the solution is also my own choice, and in my own hands :idea: . That's not such a bad feeling honestly.

As far as your recommendation of trying MDMA, I'm not in a hurry to rush out and get me some right now, but I am open to the possibility that it could help, definitely enough so to do more research and consider giving it a try. I would only use it sparingly for as long as I need it to get the perspective, but would not like to use anything habitually or become dependent, as I have with cannabis(which was good in the beginning, then I should have learned what it had to teach and stopped using the substance) and now only have the drawbacks and I'm trying to quit. This sounds like a whole different ballgame though. I'll have to do my research and be smart about it, but I'm open to the idea.

Thanks again for your perspective, I do recognize your username and recall having an appreciation for some of your posts back in my lurking days here. Like I said, I'm not here to endlessly rant, spew hatred, resentment, and/or anger, or be argumentative and shoot down all the help and advice offered here; I'm here to get the problems out on the table, look at them honestly, and do the work to heal, change myself(or more accurately get the f*** out of my own way and allow myself to be who I really am) and move past these issues. I appreciate any help and honest advice/perspectives I get.

[Cannon]

I prayed. Will pray again.

[Sacred Fool]

Just know that I'm facing my shadow self right now....

If you desire more feedback, amigo, I would say that "shadow" is the operative term, but that you are not facing it, you are enacting it.

Recognition that it is in play is a step forward.  Learning your relationship to it is the next step. 

Acting it out can feel important in terms of loosening the flow of pent up rage, but the more serious work, I would suggest, is done when one is past that particular stage.  It's done softly and graciously because at that point you have a lot more respect for all involved.  And I can say from personal experience that it can take decades or lifetimes to discover the meaning of softness and graciousness in this context.  Just look back on this in forty years and you'll see what I mean.
 
  

[Black Dragon]

Just know that I'm facing my shadow self right now....

If you desire more feedback, amigo, I would say that "shadow" is the operative term, but that you are not facing it, you are enacting it.

Recognition that it is in play is a step forward.  Learning your relationship to it is the next step. 

Acting it out can feel important in terms of loosening the flow of pent up rage, but the more serious work, I would suggest, is done when one is past that particular stage.  It's done softly and graciously because at that point you have a lot more respect for all involved.  And I can say from personal experience that it can take decades or lifetimes to discover the meaning of softness and graciousness in this context.  Just look back on this in forty years and you'll see what I mean.
 
  

Thanks for the feedback, this makes sense. I don't plan on ranting/acting out my shadow for 40 more years to come. If I do so, I don't think I'll be around for 20 more years, much less 40. I said that part of it and got the nasty feelings off my chest, now it's high noon for the "more serious work" to begin.

[Black Dragon]

Here's a link to something I find helpful for examining my situation at the moment and some of the influences surrounding it. Those versed in the Law of One may find this to be misleading and bashing on "polarity", but it's not really referring to STS and STO(all though I think the universe is changing and our relationship to those themes will change a bit and become a bit more heart centered/integrated, even in regards to lower densities like 3rd and 4th.). The type of "polarity" it's cautioning against getting caught up in lesser polarity conflicts; masculine/feminine, political right/political left, etc. It's cautioning against hatred and enemy patterning, basically.

http://www.crystalwind.ca/mystical-magic...tober-2018

Here's a funny and interesting tidbit; I actually conceived(remembered?) of this Black League organization, it's name, its symbolism, and its methods of operation, and thought it was something I had made up in my head before reading any channeled material or knowing anything about Orion and galactic wars. I was sort of surprised(but then not really), to find out it was an actual thing.

[Sacred Fool]

...now it's high noon for the "more serious work" to begin.

Just curious, what does that mean to you?  What do you see as the high value work?  Particularly as it relates to your raging, shadowed impulses?  How can you combine the beauty and the poison without killing yourself?

Do you have a real sense of the content of your dark side?
  
  

[Black Dragon]

...now it's high noon for the "more serious work" to begin.

Just curious, what does that mean to you?  What do you see as the high value work?  Particularly as it relates to your raging, shadowed impulses?  How can you combine the beauty and the poison without killing yourself?
  
  

There's beauty in the poison itself if I can do a little alchemy and transmutation here. Hate is just wounded love in a lot of ways. In the anger there's the grit to stand for my ideals and get stuff done...not stand for my ideals AGAINST anyone, but to embody and exemplify my ideals within myself, rather than raging at the universe for what appears to me as not being reflective of my own principles, or going on a crusade against perceived betrayals, monsters, and tyrants. I believe a quote from the material says one must acknowledge, love, and forgive the rapist, murderer(or freedom fighting space terrorist for that matter ) within themselves. This is a hard question to answer when put on the spot, because it's an involved process. Rationally I'm there, emotionally I'm trailing a bit, but I intend to bring that into balance(the left and right hemispheres or my brain don't always make a good team, so I need to work to get them on the same page, one thing I found so far is binaural beats), and intent is a strong thing. My intent and will towards honest self-reflection and change are already a starting point. Intent is a powerful thing. You just said it yourself, this shadow stuff is impulse, and intent is greater than impulse if I direct it towards good and act, speak, and think based on my true intentions rather than impulses. Part of that will involve sitting down and really understanding all my true intents, and likewise, my impulses.

"High value work" will involve acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, and a lot of self-honesty. It won't be easy, comfortable, or come over night, but I'm willing to do it, because I realize rationally, and emotionally at this point, that hate and resentment aren't doing me any good. The work will involve "practicing what I preach", and operating from my heart center first and foremost rather than the brain stem and/or intellect. It will involve me finding the aspects I hate and judge within others(such as human elite, ET's, and higher density beings, and all my perceived enemies) within myself, and forgiving and working on them, as far as releasing and integration. I have a better sense of the content of my "dark side" than one would think, but I'm not always comfortable looking too deeply or honestly at it, and that's another thing I intend to change. The stuff I don't already fully understand and/or am avoiding looking at, I will be exploring in contemplation and meditation(rather than ranting). It's late, and my human brain tends to fart sometimes, so if I'm leaving anything out it's not because I'm exceptionally ignorant per se, but because I realize there's a lot to this process that's hard to just put right into words.

[Sacred Fool]

Rationally I'm there, emotionally I'm trailing a bit, but I intend to bring that into balance(the left and right hemispheres or my brain don't always make a good team, so I need to work to get them on the same page, one thing I found so far is binaural beats), and intent is a strong thing. My intent and will towards honest self-reflection and change are already a starting point.

  
  
Um, yeah.  Well, you're still outmatched.

Your nice words are as nice as your mean words are mean.  I don't think the dichotomy is between your hemispheres.

It appears that you don't have a good map of the playing field.  And you don't really seem to have much of a sense of your opponent.  You seem to feel that this matter can be approached directly because you can see it all because you're so aware of what you can see and all of that is visible, and you just might be fooling yourself because you cannot yet really see into the darkness.  Although it can play you like a sock puppet, that's not the same as sharing intimacy, my friend.  Your opponent knows you far better than you know him, so whom do really expect will run the show?
  
  

[flofrog]

Black Dragon,

I dont know if that might interest you, this is how my somewhat feeble mind assemble some things..

Considering we are a fragment of the Creator, we are it All, I mean we are every facet, as we can name them, as dark, as grey, as pure white, as negatives, as positives, so we have, as a creator the will, the choice to exercise everything, every side, every facet..

I dont know if this helps but it works for me as I accept all the facets... just knowing that this facet I choose one day, in the end, ran its course and I shall choose another one

Anyway, best wishes Black Dragon you are a valiant human being, and... err... divine too, remember that !!

[Black Dragon]

Rationally I'm there, emotionally I'm trailing a bit, but I intend to bring that into balance(the left and right hemispheres or my brain don't always make a good team, so I need to work to get them on the same page, one thing I found so far is binaural beats), and intent is a strong thing. My intent and will towards honest self-reflection and change are already a starting point.

  
  
Um, yeah.  Well, you're still outmatched.

Your nice words are as nice as your mean words are mean.  I don't think the dichotomy is between your hemispheres.

It appears that you don't have a good map of the playing field.  And you don't really seem to have much of a sense of your opponent.  You seem to feel that this matter can be approached directly because you can see it all because you're so aware of what you can see and all of that is visible, and you just might be fooling yourself because you cannot yet really see into the darkness.  Although it can play you like a sock puppet, that's not the same as sharing intimacy, my friend.  Your opponent knows you far better than you know him, so whom do really expect will run the show?
  
  

I never said this would be a simple or necessarily straight-forward process. If your tone continues to be interrogative, condescending, dismissive, and worst of all discouraging, I don't know if continued discourse with you will be beneficial, or if I'll just be wasting my breath on somebody who judges the entirety of my knowledge and character off of a rant that came from my shadow side. It seems to me you've already written me off, have nothing constructive to say to me and nothing I say or do from this point forward will change that. I don't need your approval, I only need to do my work. If you are trying to get a rise out of me to make a point, you can pat yourself on the back, because it's working just a tiny bit, I am finding this aspect quite frustrating conversing with you. Maybe that's just the way I'm perceiving it due to my own issues, or maybe you do have a bit of a superiority complex. I think it's now time for you to be the one to clarify your own intent and sincerity. Are you here to help me, or to chide, condescend, and discourage me?

[sillypumpkins]

black dragon,

i went through a dark night after experiencing an intense, spontaneous awakening 2 years ago. it lasted over a year

what you are going through is perfectly natural. it's the way it goes. so with that being said, there's no need to worry, okay? i don't know if you're feeling worried, but if you are, know there's no need.

If you are practicing meditation, reading books that cover spiritual topics, or anything like that, put a hold on it for a while. for me, it only exacerbated the depression and all it's shadowy appendages

one thing i kept in mind during this time was the old cliche "the night is always darkest before the dawn." this resonated to me as Truth and it gave me strength in times of great darkness. it might resonate with you too in a similar way

know this advice stems from my experience. so it might not work with you. and das coo

have fun!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

No need to post your fucking life story.

Here's what I'm learning that Agua tried to tell me YEARS AGO and I chose to be too ruled by my fear to listen:

Until you come face to face with your deepest fears and PROCESS THEM by feeling them fully, you won't do much if ANYTHING about all that other crap. You only go through the STO motions until you get that kinda crap in order. Until I heal that, NOTHING ELSE I DO will really have much meaning for me, and the same goes for you.

Thia self pitying victim talk is EXACTLY what I am storing in MY OWN sacral chakra. I'm just hiding it from myself lately. That's why I got so fed up with the self I saw in Rinzler. Fact is, MOST PEOPLE have this problem: f***** up lower chakras, closing the heart, making the higher chakras mostly useless at best, making any REAL progress a wet dream and basically being ruled by fear, as their tiny comfort zone diminishes. Why? Because they refuse to process the emotions that traumatized them. I do nit need to really exoerience the initial truama I don't think. Just the emotions suppressed from it. Same goes for you and most other people. This WHOLE PLANET has been ritually tortured, broken and driven insane. Now is the tine to take our power back, and it starts by facing our fears.

Your solution, amd humanity's solution in general, is the same as mine: face your fear and then get rid of your sluggishness.

The fear comes first. Most likely a fear if death, faced and processed. Then the will to truly live.

There's your answer and mine as well. I just saved you time.

Find a harmless way to completely engulf yourself in your fear. Public speaking works for most. For me, cold approaching a beautiful woman, for some it is a fear of the dark. s***, that's comparatively EASY. Whatever it is, find a way to put yourself REPEATEDLY in situations that make you wanna piss yourself but aren't actually dangerous. Right now, anything that involves breaking quarantine is a no-go. But that doesn't mean you can't find a way to do it at home.

That's my current number one goal. Make it yours as well. Might as well, because until quarantine ends, you're stuck inside.

[Black Dragon]

No need to post your fucking life story.

Here's what I'm learning that Agua tried to tell me YEARS AGO and I chose to be too ruled by my fear to listen:

Until you come face to face with your deepest fears and PROCESS THEM by feeling them fully, you won't do much if ANYTHING about all that other crap. You only go through the STO motions until you get that kinda crap in order. Until I heal that, NOTHING ELSE I DO will really have much meaning for me, and the same goes for you.

Thia self pitying victim talk is EXACTLY what I am storing in MY OWN sacral chakra. I'm just hiding it from myself lately. That's why I got so fed up with the self I saw in Rinzler. Fact is, MOST PEOPLE have this problem: f***** up lower chakras, closing the heart, making the higher chakras mostly useless at best, making any REAL progress a wet dream and basically being ruled by fear, as their tiny comfort zone diminishes. Why? Because they refuse to process the emotions that traumatized them. I do nit need to really exoerience the initial truama I don't think. Just the emotions suppressed from it. Same goes for you and most other people. This WHOLE PLANET has been ritually tortured, broken and driven insane. Now is the tine to take our power back, and it starts by facing our fears.

Your solution, amd humanity's solution in general, is the same as mine: face your fear and then get rid of your sluggishness.

The fear comes first. Most likely a fear if death, faced and processed. Then the will to truly live.

There's your answer and mine as well. I just saved you time.

Find a harmless way to completely engulf yourself in your fear. Public speaking works for most. For me, cold approaching a beautiful woman, for some it is a fear of the dark. s***, that's comparatively EASY. Whatever it is, find a way to put yourself REPEATEDLY in situations that make you wanna piss yourself but aren't actually dangerous. Right now, anything that involves breaking quarantine is a no-go. But that doesn't mean you can't find a way to do it at home.

That's my current number one goal. Make it yours as well. Might as well, because until quarantine ends, you're stuck inside.

Thanks, your answer is blunt and honest, but quite constructive. I appreciate your input and perspective.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks man. And good news too. Agua just tokd me the thing I can best do right now that will be modt effective to heal this issue and process my fear.

Can you guess what it is?

RELAX. Just let it come up. Process it as you feel it and as it comes up. Best way to do that is meditate, relax and practice mindful present awareness.

Doesn't sound too hard really, does it? LOL

Also, a great exercise by Eckhart Tokle he once tokd me about but I rarely ever utilized:

Get i to your body by meditating and as you meditate, FEEL your whole body and maintain your focus on feeling yoir whoke body. Feel your left or right ha d first. Then the other as well. Then one of your feet. Then both of your feet. Then your legs, etc. Etc. Until you are focused on feeling your WHOLE BODY. Just keep doing thay while you meditate. Simple, but powerful and effective.

We tend to resist this though because we don't like the feeling of being present and in our bodies. Because then these OLD emotions start to come up and we suppress them. f*** it dude, just let them come up. Instead of suppressing them, PROCESS them.

Best I can come up with so far. Also, when you get the chance, once the quarantine ends, if you got like 400 dollars on you, find a local Yogi that trains in a secret technique called Cobra Breath. It opens the 3rd eye just enough to help you clear your lower chakras at the first level of kobra breath. Second level I think works with them more intensely or something. I can't remember. 3rd level moves i to the heart chakra a d fourth focuses on blue chakra. I forget the levels adter that but at some point, you can only learn the rest in dreams. I thunk there's like 7 levels overall. Of course there are. Everything seems to be in 7s LOL

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Oh amd btw dude...

Be aware of the methods you use to suppress it. Mostly methods of distraction from it by diverting present awareness.

For me, it's thinking. Ruminating on the past, pronexting i ti the future, fantasizing etc. As well as spending WAYY too much time on computers and gadgets and s***. All to stay out of the present momemt and out of my body. So beware of that s***.

[Sacred Fool]

I never said this would be a simple or necessarily straight-forward process. If your tone continues to be interrogative, condescending, dismissive, and worst of all discouraging, I don't know if continued discourse with you will be beneficial, or if I'll just be wasting my breath on somebody who judges the entirety of my knowledge and character off of a rant that came from my shadow side. It seems to me you've already written me off, have nothing constructive to say to me and nothing I say or do from this point forward will change that. I don't need your approval, I only need to do my work. If you are trying to get a rise out of me to make a point, you can pat yourself on the back, because it's working just a tiny bit, I am finding this aspect quite frustrating conversing with you. Maybe that's just the way I'm perceiving it due to my own issues, or maybe you do have a bit of a superiority complex. I think it's now time for you to be the one to clarify your own intent and sincerity. Are you here to help me, or to chide, condescend, and discourage me?

I'm purely focused here on the matter of encompassing one's shadow because that's a very high value matter for me.  I don't mean to discourage you, just to focus on the work, not on your emotional needs.  Maybe that's the wrong approach?
 
 

[flofrog]

Black Dragon,  do not worry, there's nothing arrogant or mean about peregrine. He is just very serious and dedicated to the ongoing process.  Something very pure here and devoid of any mean intent.  

best wishes black d.  

[888]

As someone who's been there, I found my way back by loving myself.

I already knew that everything was connected, but the more I journeyed, the more and more obvious it became.

Eventually you realize that not only are you connected to the universe, you are the universe. It sounds like a cliche, but if you dig deep enough, you realize why your life is the way it is, and why you, as The Creator, programmed this specific set of experiences for yourself.

It takes a lot of digging to get there, and after you get there, the frustrations don't all vanish right away. But you gain greater agency and interesting experiences along the way.

It's very difficult to love everyone when you don't love yourself, or anyone close to you. So, I recommend clearing up the first three energy centers before getting to the heart. Start with the self, then those close to you, then the group, then the universe. Things will progress naturally from there. It's okay to be honest with yourself and admit to feeling those dark emotions. If it's meant to be, they'll fall away along the journey.

[Black Dragon]

I never said this would be a simple or necessarily straight-forward process. If your tone continues to be interrogative, condescending, dismissive, and worst of all discouraging, I don't know if continued discourse with you will be beneficial, or if I'll just be wasting my breath on somebody who judges the entirety of my knowledge and character off of a rant that came from my shadow side. It seems to me you've already written me off, have nothing constructive to say to me and nothing I say or do from this point forward will change that. I don't need your approval, I only need to do my work. If you are trying to get a rise out of me to make a point, you can pat yourself on the back, because it's working just a tiny bit, I am finding this aspect quite frustrating conversing with you. Maybe that's just the way I'm perceiving it due to my own issues, or maybe you do have a bit of a superiority complex. I think it's now time for you to be the one to clarify your own intent and sincerity. Are you here to help me, or to chide, condescend, and discourage me?

I'm purely focused here on the matter of encompassing one's shadow because that's a very high value matter for me.  I don't mean to discourage you, just to focus on the work, not on your emotional needs.  Maybe that's the wrong approach?
 
 

No, not necessarily. I think is was me who took the wrong approach in evaluating your responses, because I was coming from the wrong perspective. I apologize for misjudging your intent. I will think deeper on the things you have said(and my own reactions to them), and try to come at them from a better angle. You have been most helpful, even in unintentionally triggering such a response in me, well....you are definitely helping me take a look at my shadow in that regard. Thank you. Your help is appreciated and valued.