EDITED OUT BECAUSE IT WAS A MISTAKE TO POST THIS

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I made a mistake posting this thread. So I'm deleting what I wrote in it. Thank you all for your support. I'm sorry I've been acting a dick lately. I love you. I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut. If there is a way to delete this thread, I would like to delete it. I apologize for lashing out against members of this forum. Not cool. Gonna try to find a way to delete this.

Until then, thank you all for your support.

[RitaJC]

I hate myself. And I am beginning to hate my higher self. I hate the experiences I've been programmed to experience, and whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn from this seeming "Kobayashi Maru" of a life (for those who don't get the Star Trek reference, Kobayashi Maru was a simulated program that was designed to be unwinnable so the trainee could learn to accept failure) I hate that too. I want to commit suicide, but I see no point in it, because I'll just inevitably be reborn with the same issues and experience the same humiliations, defeats, losses and rejections. I feel like I've got no way to lash out against this universe for putting me in a situation I can't win at while others around me succeed without even having to struggle for it in the ways I want to succeed. I recognize in theory that I AM those people and they are me, but I can't appreciate that in my heart, so I fucking hate them for the blessings they've been bestowed that I can't ever hope to achieve. I hate them for the winning hand they've been dealt in life. It feels like all the self healing in the world won't make what I want achievable and I feel like I am losing hope. I don't want to just heal and cope with the futility of life. I want to WIN.

I don't know what to do about this because I can't suicide my way out of it and homicide will accomplish nothing as well. I won't accept defeat. So what do I do? Do I just live every lifetime stubbornly striving to get what I want, like Sisyphus pushing his rock up a hill?

I don't know why I'm asking this here. I don't expect anyone to have any answers that are useful to me. I just feel stuck and I'm grasping at straws to get unstuck.

Side note: I am beginning to doubt more and more that I am a wanderer. Because I do NOT find the opportunity to serve this planet worth the personal suffering I've had to go through and the futility I've had to face in order to do whatever nebulous "service" I came here to do. And I can't think of a way to serve this planet any more than any 3d native jerkoff could. Nor do I feel any more inclined to be of service than any native 3D jerkoff. I think most people who read the Law of One look at how different they feel from others (which is a normal thing for everybody) and thinks to themselves "I must be a wanderer! That's it! The reason I feel so unique and different and isolated is because I'm not of this dimension, not because I AM of this dimension and these feelings are just part of the human condition" If I am wanderer, f*** myself so much for choosing to incarnate here. I doubt I'll be graduating this harvest. And I doubt I'll be of much service to humanity. And honestly at this point, I feel like I'm running out of fucks to give.

Can we talk NOW? Or as soon as you wake up if you are sleeping now?

[Merrick]

Phoenix, I can’t speak to what you’ve experienced and continue to experience. All I can say is that you are love/light and no hardship can ever change that.

As for Wanderer or not, does it really matter? Whether we graduated from second density on earth, were Martian souls transferred to earth, or are Wanderers, we still have growth, change, experience, and soul evolution ahead of us.

I hope you find the love/light inside you soon.

[Louisabell]

I hate the experiences I've been programmed to experience, and whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn from this seeming "Kobayashi Maru" of a life (for those who don't get the Star Trek reference, Kobayashi Maru was a simulated program that was designed to be unwinnable so the trainee could learn to accept failure) I hate that too.

And why do you despise failure so much? What is so wrong with it? Why do you care? Do you see others around you not doing so well as failures? For example, do you harshly judge people on this forum or are you only harsh on yourself?

The soft approach can only go so far. We are forged in the fire. Embrace your anger, this pain of separation, without judgement, without trying to escape it, without resistance... accept the futility in it and allow it to burn away that which is no longer needed in your soul.

You're right though that there is little others can say to help. This must be done by the self, for the self, so that you may come face to face with the self that is found within.

Please seek professional help if you are suicidal. There may be meds out there that can help stabilise you until you are in a better place. Take care of yourself. We care about you.

[breakingties]

I was in the same place you are, full of hate, wanting to commit suicide. I lost my physical breathing, then the passion that i made money from, then my dream job, just to find the truth about who i am. Where we go one we go all bro, just hold on there, and your win will come, faster then you can imagine. Surrender you will to the creator and you will find that all you have to do this life is to accept your thoughts and emotions, this is the only cross you have to endure. You have to accept the motion of frames in the movie of your life and then it's super easy then to accept what life brings you to your experience. You are the director in the movie of your life, but that doesn`t mean you can control everything. Imagine that you as God already directed the movie, and know you have to watch it.

Now my question is, you think you directed a movie in that you don't win ? So chill out. You are home.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

"you think you directed a movie in that you don't win ?" I'm beginning to think that, yes. And I refuse to surrender to that.

[speedforce131]

I hate myself. And I am beginning to hate my higher self. I hate the experiences I've been programmed to experience, and whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn from this seeming "Kobayashi Maru" of a life (for those who don't get the Star Trek reference, Kobayashi Maru was a simulated program that was designed to be unwinnable so the trainee could learn to accept failure) I hate that too.

I felt almost exactly the same as you did. I went through various depressive periods throughout my life. The first one was when I was younger, like pre-mid 20's. When I lost my job, I subconsciously knew it was over. I had nothing in terms of possessions, all I had was the TV that my family owned. Fast forward some odd years, I had finally gotten a job. I didn't work there for long but it was enough for me to get some possessions to keep me company. That eventually led to my next major job in which I managed to move out. I didn't stay long there either and I came back home. I worked online and at home for what's been 11 years. So for 11 years I've been holed up here. Still here by the way.

Believe me when I say that I understand what it feels like to be trapped with nowhere to go and no other winning paths. I developed another period of depression, this time with psychotic features, just last year. I'm in my mid 30's now. I'm 5'4, 214 lbs, Asian male and never had a girlfriend. You would think that even if I'm not physically attractive, that I'd at least be professionally competent and make good money but no. I mean I am very good with computers but with the extreme limitation on income, that can be suppressed as well. So by all respects, I'm completely down in the gutter.

The latest psychotic depressive episode taught me that there is nothing to hate in myself. I'm a good person who has always tried to do right by others but others take advantage of it like I was just another can of soda they drink and throw away. Even though at one point, I'd be enraged at the thought, today, I do not feel that way. Throughout my path in learning Law of One, I've come to understand the purpose of such harsh incarnation is to distill the love and wisdom from my experiences. It is those collective experiences that I can use to guide me in life, whether it be politics, relationships or whatnot. I can also use it to be here for you to help guide you in your pain.

Once you take stock of your life experiences, you'll realize that the pain you experienced made you stronger. This strength is unmovable by anybody. Once you activate your green-ray center (love) you will find that your love, and very presence, shines brighter than 1000 souls combined into one. I'm not going to pretend it's an easy path. I'm still walking it and on the path to recovery. But I did manage to reach green-ray despite the insane odds stacked against me. By all rights it shouldn't have happened. I have every bit reason to be angry at the world and the people in it. For their abuse of me is unspeakable.

I want to commit suicide, but I see no point in it, because I'll just inevitably be reborn with the same issues and experience the same humiliations, defeats, losses and rejections. I feel like I've got no way to lash out against this universe for putting me in a situation I can't win at while others around me succeed without even having to struggle for it in the ways I want to succeed.

Yes you're right. You'll just incarnate again and you'll be presented with the same lessons. It's better to learn them, distill the wisdom from them so that next life you can live a much better one.

I recognize in theory that I AM those people and they are me, but I can't appreciate that in my heart, so I fucking hate them for the blessings they've been bestowed that I can't ever hope to achieve. I hate them for the winning hand they've been dealt in life.

Don't hate them for them being dealt the winning hand. We don't know the circumstances of their life or why they were incarnated that way. Perhaps they earned it? That is not for us to know. What's helped me is to have positive role models. My role models are all successful but I don't hate them for it because I know the path it took to get them there was a difficult one yet they persevered and they are still amazing to this day.

The Rock is one of them. He had no money in his pocket and decided one day that all he had was his two hands and arms. He's now one of the top actors in the world and he was one of the most successful wrestlers of his time. This guy literally had nothing. He now has everything. So I believe that it's entirely possible to not only recover but do so good that it's beyond your wildest expectations.

I want to WIN.

You can win. The power is in yourself.

Side note: I am beginning to doubt more and more that I am a wanderer. Because I do NOT find the opportunity to serve this planet worth the personal suffering I've had to go through and the futility I've had to face in order to do whatever nebulous "service" I came here to do. And I can't think of a way to serve this planet any more than any 3d native jerkoff could. Nor do I feel any more inclined to be of service than any native 3D jerkoff.

LMAO it's good to have discernment in whether or not you are a wanderer. I wish more people actually did this to see that they perhaps are not wanderers but they're here to learn something and they should take that learning seriously. You've read the feminism thread. You've seen 1st hand how people twist, distort, sometimes even outright ignore the teachings. Your extreme alienation (just like me) is what makes me suspect that you ARE a wanderer.

Having been in a similar place as you, I can say that you are so close to becoming your ideal self and your ideal self is so unstoppable that you'll wonder why you were even jealous of those so called 'successful' people. You need to get to a point where your pain is transmuted into wisdom, then sharing that pain, coupled with your wisdom, and the love, you will be in a position to be of service to others. You will find that there is no other who could be of service to others like you can be.

I think most people who read the Law of One look at how different they feel from others (which is a normal thing for everybody) and thinks to themselves "I must be a wanderer! That's it! The reason I feel so unique and different and isolated is because I'm not of this dimension, not because I AM of this dimension and these feelings are just part of the human condition"

I agree. Did you read the whole feminism thread? I talked about LARP'ers and even exposed a few of them. Things like Law of One attract people like them because in doing so they can wear the mantle of 'wanderer' without having done the hard work that comes from being one. Lives like yours and mine are automatically HARDCORE mode so the difference between us and them are immediately apparent. A real wanderer and a fake wanderer is just as noticeable as night and day.

[ada]

(wrong thread)

[RitaJC]

"you think you directed a movie in that you don't win ?" I'm beginning to think that, yes. And I refuse to surrender to that.

This is 100% impossible [period]

The problem is not what you are feeling and thinking, the problem is that you are identified with those feelings and thoughts.

Please, re-watch this video when you get the chance and do as suggested.

I have lived years and decades thinking and feeling like you are right now. And I found the way through it to a constantly blissful and fulfilling experience without reduction

[speedforce131]

It's not impossible. Sometimes you have lives that spiral downward and you never recover. That being said, you should always try. The journey to recovery is just as important as the actual recovery.

[kristina]

I hate myself. And I am beginning to hate my higher self. I hate the experiences I've been programmed to experience, and whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn from this seeming "Kobayashi Maru" of a life (for those who don't get the Star Trek reference, Kobayashi Maru was a simulated program that was designed to be unwinnable so the trainee could learn to accept failure) I hate that too. I want to commit suicide, but I see no point in it, because I'll just inevitably be reborn with the same issues and experience the same humiliations, defeats, losses and rejections. I feel like I've got no way to lash out against this universe for putting me in a situation I can't win at while others around me succeed without even having to struggle for it in the ways I want to succeed. I recognize in theory that I AM those people and they are me, but I can't appreciate that in my heart, so I fucking hate them for the blessings they've been bestowed that I can't ever hope to achieve. I hate them for the winning hand they've been dealt in life. It feels like all the self healing in the world won't make what I want achievable and I feel like I am losing hope. I don't want to just heal and cope with the futility of life. I want to WIN.

I don't know what to do about this because I can't suicide my way out of it and homicide will accomplish nothing as well. I won't accept defeat. So what do I do? Do I just live every lifetime stubbornly striving to get what I want, like Sisyphus pushing his rock up a hill?

I don't know why I'm asking this here. I don't expect anyone to have any answers that are useful to me. I just feel stuck and I'm grasping at straws to get unstuck.

Side note: I am beginning to doubt more and more that I am a wanderer. Because I do NOT find the opportunity to serve this planet worth the personal suffering I've had to go through and the futility I've had to face in order to do whatever nebulous "service" I came here to do. And I can't think of a way to serve this planet any more than any 3d native jerkoff could. Nor do I feel any more inclined to be of service than any native 3D jerkoff. I think most people who read the Law of One look at how different they feel from others (which is a normal thing for everybody) and thinks to themselves "I must be a wanderer! That's it! The reason I feel so unique and different and isolated is because I'm not of this dimension, not because I AM of this dimension and these feelings are just part of the human condition" If I am wanderer, f*** myself so much for choosing to incarnate here. I doubt I'll be graduating this harvest. And I doubt I'll be of much service to humanity. And honestly at this point, I feel like I'm running out of fucks to give.

Your last words...If I am a Wanderer...you don't think your words are a service to someone? Already a few have responded and that means they are reading the words and hopefully utilizing your words for learning. I amof the One's you hate because I continually bless you. But, I swear to you, though you cannot see it now, you will be of service actively someday and by proxy right now as your self loathing teaches others how it happens, why it happens, how to recognize it, how to support and love another while this darkness is their spokesperson. Not all but most of us have suffered in some way so deeply that it caused a serious shift in insight and foresight. Many have never been the same afterward. I hated me and many have hated themselves and wanted off the planet by their own hands. How I stood still and I am still alive? I DON'T KNOW. Twice I wanted to die and the second time I was serious. You cannot believe that this is a process. The hardest of all learnings. It is like the Tower tarot card. But your feelings are like the 9 of swords. The fight against the feelings, the resistance of what is keeps you in darkness. Surrender. Surrender to life and not to the ending. I swear this is not all there is to this journey. And you're probably a Wanderer. Look, you don't want to hear this but I love you. And I thank you for putting it out there.

[AnthroHeart]

I have felt suicidal before, but mostly it's when I'm freaking out.
Try counting slowly to 10, with a deep breath between each number.
Sometimes the counting is a distraction, but it releases I think endorphins.
Not sure though, but I've counted when I'm angry. Not saying you're angry,
but it helps. Hope that helps.

[RitaJC]

It's not impossible. Sometimes you have lives that spiral downward and you never recover. That being said, you should always try. The journey to recovery is just as important as the actual recovery.

Yes, it is. The one who directed the movie and the one who is resisting its unfolding can't be the same. If it appears so it's nothing but a confusion and mis-identification creating suffering and desperation.

BTW: The belief that this "game is unwinnable" is just a believed lie based in the same mis-identification. It's actually impossible to loose.

Who can't win the game are the delusional ideas like ego and other experienced distortions. They are experienced for a short while and dissipate as smoke as soon as they aren't needed any more. But the true Self (I AM) was never created and can never stop existing. It is the source and the substance of those illusory shadows.

[David_1]

To EvolvingPhoenix . . .
   Don’t give up.  Even if it seem hopeless.
   You are held in the gentle arms of a Creator that loves you with an everlasting love.
   Since I have not experienced what you have, I don’t know.
   Perhaps one of my experiences might help.  During the past 7 years I have rather often experienced quite a bit of physical pain.  My body has some issues.  I try to live in a way that will make a difference, but basically now realize that pain must be a lesson for me.  So, when I pray for help, my prayer includes helping me to accept what hurts.  There must be a reason for the pain for me, and usually I have the strength to do some positive things in life even with hurts.

[David_1]

Never think life is going to be easy.
Always think life is going to be worth it.

[unity100]

You push forward. That's what you do.

If there is so much pent up tension, blocked energy in you, you use them to move forward.

Pick a direction, and walk towards that direction. Whatever it is.

[Diana]

I hate myself. And I am beginning to hate my higher self. I hate the experiences I've been programmed to experience, and whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn from this seeming "Kobayashi Maru" of a life (for those who don't get the Star Trek reference, Kobayashi Maru was a simulated program that was designed to be unwinnable so the trainee could learn to accept failure) I hate that too. I want to commit suicide, but I see no point in it, because I'll just inevitably be reborn with the same issues and experience the same humiliations, defeats, losses and rejections. I feel like I've got no way to lash out against this universe for putting me in a situation I can't win at while others around me succeed without even having to struggle for it in the ways I want to succeed. I recognize in theory that I AM those people and they are me, but I can't appreciate that in my heart, so I fucking hate them for the blessings they've been bestowed that I can't ever hope to achieve. I hate them for the winning hand they've been dealt in life. It feels like all the self healing in the world won't make what I want achievable and I feel like I am losing hope. I don't want to just heal and cope with the futility of life. I want to WIN.

I completely understand your feelings. 

One way to handle these feelings for me is to imagine the moments after death. Imagine you stuck it out, your whole life, with all the pain and tribulations and human injustice—all the drama, which when here can cause so much suffering. You stuck the whole thing out, and now you have passed on. And there you are, saying something like, "Freaking awesome! I did it! I didn't give up. I did what I went to do (doesn't matter what that is) and I didn't give up."

I imagine what I would feel like if I'd given up because it can be so very hard here. And this gives me the motivation to go on, to be productive in some way.

[flofrog]

EP, you are strong, you will so get through this, think you ride it as you are doing, right now

[tamaryn]

You're on the path bro.

It is good to integrate these personalities that are bubbling up. They are all relevant to your higher purpose and are becoming one whole personality.

[tamaryn]

All of this is positive growth and these neglected parts are forcing themselves to the surface until they are perceived as relevant to the whole.

[BastionPath]

Hi. I am from the future. It was a mistake to post this. You should delete it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Hi. I am from the future. It was a mistake to post this. You should delete it.

LOL

[flofrog]

lol, we love you EP, you are so courageous...

[EvolvingPhoenix]

lol,   we love you EP, you are so courageous...

No, I'm not. I just don't have much choice but to keep living. Suicide's not much of an option. I don't feel like I'm doing anything courageous. I'm just wallowing in self pity and self loathing.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I completely understand your feelings. 

One way to handle these feelings for me is to imagine the moments after death. Imagine you stuck it out, your whole life, with all the pain and tribulations and human injustice—all the drama, which when here can cause so much suffering. You stuck the whole thing out, and now you have passed on. And there you are, saying something like, "Freaking awesome! I did it! I didn't give up. I did what I went to do (doesn't matter what that is) and I didn't give up."

I imagine what I would feel like if I'd given up because it can be so very hard here. And this gives me the motivation to go on, to be productive in some way.

I have no idea what I came here to do. I doubt I'm doing it.

[flofrog]

keeping on is most courageous.

[speedforce131]

http://llresearch.org/transcripts/issues..._0318.aspx

The self, once realized as a metaphysical entity, is also realized as an ethical principle. And you can see yourself more and more clearly as one who truly can be responsible for doing her absolute best to do the ethical thing, to hold the highest principle, to hew to the road that seems the most beautiful, the most moral and the most right for the self. Often that which the world considers right and that which the inner self considers right will coincide. However, not infrequently issues looked at from the standpoint of Earth are looked at with an eye to the protection of the self and the maintenance of the environment, whereas looked at as a metaphysical issue, often the solution is transformed, and roads may be chosen that do not seem as practical, as convenient or as down to earth. For in the switch of universes there is the release of the forms of the world and the realization of forms that are higher in the metaphysical universe.

You are here as awakened beings to be, not to do. This is a terrifically difficult concept to receive within the context of incarnated life because life as you know it, as you experience it, as the culture teaches you to experience it, is about doing. You were taught to value yourself as a worker, as a producer, as an accomplisher of deeds. They may be many different kinds of deeds, but at the next gathering to which you go, you will be asked not, “Who are you?” but, “What do you do?” And you will be valued by many people according to how that answer goes. And yet we say to you that you are not here primarily as a doer, but as an essence.

Your plan as learning entities, interested in the evolution of spirit, was not to be here and be wise, but to be here and be confused. You are hoping, by coming into this very dense physical illusion, to become completely disoriented and to wake up in the midst of a true sea of confusion. And the reason that you hoped for this was that you had the feeling that you could come to a better balance of self, a more pure choice of polarity, and a more passionate desire to seek the truth.

Another aspect of being a wanderer, which is common to those from elsewhere and to those who are native to the Earth sphere, is the enormous yearning to serve. And we say to each that the main service of each of you is the service of being yourself. For when you are most truly and deeply yourself, when your heart is open and vibrating in its fullness, you become a crystal capable of receiving energy, transmuting energy and releasing energy into the Earth’s sphere.

Naturally, each of you gave yourself gifts to share, lessons to learn and outer services to perform. And we encourage each to move along those lines of talent and gifts as you perceive them, looking for ways to share those gifts. But realize that, more than those outer doings, the inner essence is the true and central gift of the life, which you have come to offer. It is a beautiful gift. It is a gift that will take you all your life to give, and our encouragement to you is to give this gift and do this service regardless of what else you seem to be doing in your life.

[RitaJC]

I completely understand your feelings. 

One way to handle these feelings for me is to imagine the moments after death. Imagine you stuck it out, your whole life, with all the pain and tribulations and human injustice—all the drama, which when here can cause so much suffering. You stuck the whole thing out, and now you have passed on. And there you are, saying something like, "Freaking awesome! I did it! I didn't give up. I did what I went to do (doesn't matter what that is) and I didn't give up."

I imagine what I would feel like if I'd given up because it can be so very hard here. And this gives me the motivation to go on, to be productive in some way.

I have no idea what I came here to do. I doubt I'm doing it.

Have you tried to ask the energy that you are mis-identified with right now what does it need and how can you help it?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I completely understand your feelings. 

One way to handle these feelings for me is to imagine the moments after death. Imagine you stuck it out, your whole life, with all the pain and tribulations and human injustice—all the drama, which when here can cause so much suffering. You stuck the whole thing out, and now you have passed on. And there you are, saying something like, "Freaking awesome! I did it! I didn't give up. I did what I went to do (doesn't matter what that is) and I didn't give up."

I imagine what I would feel like if I'd given up because it can be so very hard here. And this gives me the motivation to go on, to be productive in some way.

I have no idea what I came here to do. I doubt I'm doing it.

Have you tried to ask the energy that you are mis-identified with right now what does it need and how can you help it?

I came to a realization last night. I realized that I'm CHOOSING to suffer.

[Rhayader]

Yes! Everything is choice. I'm sure I've been where you are now before, you just have to choose to think, feel and live the way you want. For what its worth I often also feel useless and drained of motivation...I think at some point in the self loathing I decided well if everyone is going to abandon and ignore me then I'll love myself like no other, with a depth and richness they can only dream about..

Going back to the Kobayashi Maru, I think the point of showing it was about Kirk's response...don't believe you can lose and you wont- rig the game to your victory!