Wanderers and relationships/sexuality

[Major3rd]

I've been thinking of this topic a lot lately, reflecting on my life and my troubles with relationships.

I have never really been able to fall in love in the sense that other people in my surroundings have. Have felt the sexual attraction and at the same time liked many of the girls I met but never been interested in having a serious relationship with them often "panicing" when getting too close. This has always led to an imbalance and often led to the other person getting hurt because I could never commit. When I got a little older I began to think that "Is it really worth it?" being sexually active at all? And since then I've perhaps become more isolated, at least for longer periods of time.

On the other hand I've become a much more loving person and interested in really getting to know girls better as friends, having more female friends these days. I feel that I'm more interested in the person. I can feel love much more clearly but it is more a kind of universal love most of the time and I have a hard time to relate to the kind of romantic love that I see among friends. Another thing is that it is harder to meet girls these days as most of my close friends are in relationships and many of them also have children. I have a hard time finding someone that I can really connect to and maybe that is the real problem. I think this is because I feel that I am very different than most people I meet and sometimes I can relate to being a wanderer.

When it comes to sexuality, I've perhaps been a little distorted to the feeling of being dominant, or feeling powerful because of the attraction or pleasuring someone, never had the kind of sexual relations that is mentioned in the Law of One, though I have been at the same time very "giving". I have felt like love and sexuality have been two separate things. When reflecting on this and the writings in the Ra-material I have begun to question if this kind of sexuality is depolarizing and that has made me insecure about what sexuality really is and what it can be for me. My libido at the same time is very low right now but I think it is partly related to a lot of stress and other things going on in my life. 

I read some about Don Elkins, about him and other wanderers not being interested in the kind of physical sexuality that we have in 3rd density.

So do any of you have similar experiences? Can a wanderer be in a deep relationship with someone who is not a wanderer? And how have sexuality changed for you along your spiritual journeys?

(Sorry if this post is hard to follow  )

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I was just going to make a thread on sexuality!  Must be a energetic theme floating around B4 right now.

To answer your questions with my own opinions.

I do have similar experiences.

I think wanderers can.

My sexuality during this rollercoaster of kundalini awakening for me has become confusing.  My libido goes from insatiable to shut down.  Some days I'm so needy I'm willing to try and hookup with strangers, others I'm so put off that I don't want anyone to even look at me.

I explored anal experiences, and found I needed to be 'in the mood' to enjoy any of that at all and even then my physical health pushes me away from there due to hemmorhoids.
Alongside that I explored oral experiences, and have found them to be much more 'satisfying' to perform and receive than anal penetration or vaginal sex.  I'm not sure why though as I don't get to explore sexuality with others very much at all.

It's lead me to appreciate gentleness and empathy towards skin contact.  I don't want sex to be like porn, I want the experience to be slow and gentle and passionate rather than hard and rough.
Albeit my few sexual experiences with women have led me to believe being rough feels better sexually, I don't operate at a purely sexual level in sex anyone...  If there's a lack of deep connection, my penis won't rise for the occasion, I think this is good and as it should be as I personally feel that society abuses the entire sexual act and sexuality.  Women get objectified, men must be tall, strong, and a good f***, clothing is made to accentuate the body more so than the personality, and overall everyone is supposed to fit into the narrow generalization of masculine and feminine, otherwise insult occurs.  Gay men, gay women, transgender people, all still are not safe in the world, from people who've been brainwashed to see such as unnatural and wrong, denying the humanity of the person because of how they are.

I went from straight to possibly transgender to bisexual, and now I just don't know what I identify as...  I don't find women or men attractive anymore.  I find men selfish brutal liars and women manipulative underhanded liars.  I find the mind so attractive but the body rarely reflects it accurately.  Sure I am still pulled towards instinctual attraction, sure I'd sleep with Jennifer Aniston or Kevin Spacey, but I wouldn't be all there.

The sex act for me has evolved to requiring a kind of full body experience that also entertains the mind.  So that the body isn't to be used but pleasured and loved and worshipped with sweet touches and caresses and great attention, rather than assaulted with forceful thrusts, from either party, by the male penis or the female hips.

In fact so drastically did my sexuality tastes change during my kundalini awakening that I discovered I had a massive fetish for consensual tentacle porn and hentai mangas that portrayed the female protagonist as enjoying themselves from full body stimulation or experiencing enough pleasure to disassociate.

Although I was also exposed to that stuff before I hit puberty so it might just be another sexual oddity acquired from being exposed to such things at a young age.

I am now much more kinky than vanilla, preferring ideas of bondage and fulfilling the desires of others over the typical sex act.

Some find this gross and perverted.  I find sleeping with people based SOLELY on their looks to be gross and perverted, ignoring their mind for their flesh.  I find it disheartening how so many people are alone because they were born a certain way and because society has a stigma on dating ugly people.

Overall I tried for a while to explore by myself the sexual energy of sexuality but found it to be hard to do without another.
Further I found sex is no longer pleasurable in a lasting or fulfilling way like how it used to be if the other person has no interest in exploring philosophy or spirituality with me.

And sadly all of this has led to mostly sexual frustration and disappointment.  My life experience with sex is summed up majorly with one exception as giving without receiving.  All but one woman I've been with did not reciprocate any sexual act but would still attempt to entice me to do stuff with them.

Only the mother of my son reciprocated in full, in many ways she's the bulk of my experience in receiving, just her of the 6 girls I've been with in my life.

It's from all of these things that I am mostly put off by sex, portrayals of sex, sexual innuendo, and 'sexy' stuff like lingerie or advertisements.

I am put off by sexualization of women, especially younger teens and some children (look at what they wear...), I'm out off by the use of women in advertising, buy this car, look at the hot chick on it, eat this burger, she enjoys it!  Buy this insurance, she won't be happy with you otherwise.

I am equally put off by the lack of sexualization of men, no sexy clothes, no manners of behavior to be sexy, we're expected to be smooth, cool, and hot, or to die alone laboring away.

Similarly all of this has opened me up to the sexual identities portrayed on men and women and how we are all supposed to be.  A wife is supposed to cook and clean and care for the child, the husband is supposed to make a living and teach the child lessons.

It's all so strange to me now whereas before my spiritual awakening it was 'normal'.

In regards to your comment of depolarizing sex, I think rape is the only time such exists.  Even in a sub/dom relationship both parties are consenting and giving the other what they desire.  When the act moves beyond consent (such as harming the sub in ways they didn't agree to beforehand) is when you move into depolarizing movements.

Thanks for the post and sorry for being TMI, just trying to be honest...

[Glow]

I don't know if you will find parallels here or not.

I am a wanderer. I am always high libido but only with people I have a strong connection with. I would have trouble being single because I only want to be with people that can connect on all levels. I'm 40 and there has only been 2 and you know how they always say the passion dies, I think that's just because most people aren't connecting deeply enough. Its never died for me, or my mates.

I think the "giver" thing very likely is a wanderer trait and one we can get stuck in vs mutual giving and receiving. One of my mates I am no longer with due to marriage conventions he would likely describe his experience exactly as you have except he connected extremely deeply with me to the point he as he state "ran like a scared cat".

Anyways prior to our getting together we had both been in a giver never receiver position but that changed after we connected.
Now it feels unhealthy not to mutually receive and give.
I think the instinct is STO and that is ok when you are trying to love someone that has nothing to share but would give if they did.

When in other cases it is just you giving and the other taking with no connection if you pay attention to how it makes you feel, even if it just reinforces your detachment from your heart for a time or from the act you will figure out if it is healthy for you or not.

In my case and the previously mentioned mates it definitely had an undercurrent as Don Elkins described as being possessed, it was under the surface but there and had effected us both emotionally as a result. The sharing of mutual service open heartedly during sex no matter how kinky was transformational and neither of us will ever be the same.

My current mate is also a wanderer and in life is a giver but is still learning to open his heart during sex. I think our society trains people not to do this. Painting only casual sex as hot. Open hearted sex isn't boring it can be as kinky or exploratory or playful as you want Id say more so as you can truly drop your guards and be totally yourself in the moment.

This is just my experience, quickly typed out at midnight so not gospel, your mileage may vary.

[Major3rd]

Thanks for the input guys! Interesting to hear your perspective on this.

It is interesting to hear how different our stories are and all wanderers are of course as unique as everybody else. Some of us might be meant to work more alone, at least for certain periods of time. We might have the need for different things in our lives, different catalyst, things that we are suppose to learn. For me, I feel like I am not "suppose" to have children for one, even though I love children so much. Maybe I will run in to a wanderer one day, who is as crazy as me, and share the same ideas and that will be it

I have also been in a giver never reciever relationship, the only long relationship I had, which was pretty painful for me in many ways, so that didn't really aid my appetite for relationships.
I do like the open minded ideas on relationships, to be able to love anyone you want in anyway you want and not put any restrictions on each other, it feels like many people are trying to own each other and that there is a power struggle in many relationships.

Just thinking out loud for what it's worth

[Glow]

Thanks for the input guys! Interesting to hear your perspective on this.

It is interesting to hear how different our stories are and all wanderers are of course as unique as everybody else. Some of us might be meant to work more alone, at least for certain periods of time. We might have the need for different things in our lives, different catalyst, things that we are suppose to learn. For me, I feel like I am not "suppose" to have children for one, even though I love children so much. Maybe I will run in to a wanderer one day, who is as crazy as me, and share the same ideas and that will be it

I have also been in a giver never reciever relationship, the only long relationship I had, which was pretty painful for me in many ways, so that didn't really aid my appetite for relationships.
I do like the open minded ideas on relationships, to be able to love anyone you want in anyway you want and not put any restrictions on each other, it feels like many people are trying to own each other and that there is a power struggle in many relationships.

Just thinking out loud for what it's worth

I too didn’t and don’t feel like I was supposed to have children. I love all children like a momma bear but I love grown ups that way too. You are not alone in that.

I also don’t get monogamy. I do it but it makes no sense to me. I’m more a poly fidelity kind of person only because I like building deep bonds and I personally like to dedicate a lot of myself to those I choose. I don’t feel I could do that with more than 2, or 3 dedicated mates and I’d like that same quality of dedication.

Ownership doesn’t make sense to me with someone you love but spreading yourself among to many also would diminish the time and care energy devotion you can share with one another. The intensity and connectedness are important to me. Ideal for me would likely be 2 but everyone is different. I honestly think that’s why infidelity is so rampant. One person cannot supply our need for intimacy on all levels but those rules impose impossibility on anyone who wants to commit to anyone.

I know others don’t require the same level of dedication in their poly relationships so it seems like yet another mine field to find compatibile mates. My husband is open to the consept but just thinks humans are to selfish at this point to do it well. So we stay mono.

I think a quad would be amazing or even a less structured set up where everyone loves who they love but aren’t spreading themselves so thin anyone feels uncared for or taken advantage.

I always say I’m not coming back again till it’s like that. To me if you love someone why would you want to insist you are the only person who they are loved by... if anything I would love anyone who also loved my mate.

I just don’t get it. I do tend to be nieve and trust people not ready to be trusted so maybe next life or maybe that is home I am remembering.

Anyways just thought I’d reply.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Haha that makes me think of the Futurama episode A Beast with a Million Backs.  Where love between EVERYONE is as simple as not being so judgemental.

I'm very glad to know I'm not the only one who feels that way, I didn't say anything because I do think I'd be too jealous or scared of my mate leaving me for another they preferred to be with, or worse a group.

It's a very terrible feeling knowing someone you love is banging other people without a care about you in mind.  So, I think trust is a key component of a relationship, but I've always desired a monogamous relationship with dedication to each other in mind.

Not to mention I do honestly feel I will die alone (since I was around 7 I should add).

I always wanted a daughter, no idea why but I feel like I'd be a great father for a daughter.  Instead I had a son lol

I haven't seen him in over 5 years now though.  It's a very strange array of catalyst, having someone you love move away with your child.  I admit I could have tried to do more but I didn't see any point in trying at the time against the odds that were there.

Overall I regret having a child very much, and wonder very often if I was simply meant to be a sperm donor rather than a father.  In a way, I feel a great failure in not being there for my son, yet my friends have told me I shouldn't beat myself up over it because I had no control of the situation ever at all, that I shouldn't view myself as a deadbeat father because if not for the mother I would've been there.  And that I should just wait to start a relationship with my son later in life.

Just sucks how it all turned out lol

Finally found someone I was ready to marry, we started a family, I was prepared to propose then she breaks up with me a week after our son is born and disappears into another state.  If you ever date someone, make sure their family or they themselves don't have lawyer friends willing to work for them for free...

In many ways I have felt great anger towards sex in general because of what all has happened to me in sexual situations.  As a child I had an older girl and boy use me sexually, as a teenager all sexual experiences were one-sided both with guys or girls.  As a young adult I got to be with a few people and then found someone whom sexually and mentally we were perfect together, she purposefully got pregnant, stuck out staying with me to take care of her then left me almost immediately after our son was born then pretty much blocked me from knowing him beyond Skype calls then even stopped with that...
And everything after that to the present has been majorly a lack of sexual experiences at all.

Overall I'd say sex sucks!  It just feels good, but the majority of people are so shallow, I'll never stand a chance, even obese girls can find dates, I'm sitting here like I know I'm not a 10/10 or even a 7 or a 6, but damn that is apparently all anyone gives a f*** for (pun intended).

I've a friend, he's clearly a 8, 9, 10ish, he's been with over 30 people.
I had a friend, she was around a 6 or 7, she'd been with over 50 people and lost count, basically banged everyone but not me lol.

So.  I just wanted the sexual experiences, to get to be with different kinds of people, to explore the joys of sexual interaction.  Sadly I was born less than attractive, I'll be lucky to break double digits lol...

Worse I'm a bit out there, weird and socially awkward.  No women would ever bother with me.  I'm just not attractive enough in physique or my life situation.

Try telling a date you're 25 still living with your mommy because your ex who's the mother of your son you haven't seen in years bailed on an apartment screwing you with an eviction and none of your friends want to be your roommate.

Can anyone say bye-bye? Haha.

I normally would be so upset discussing this, but looking back now, it's like a cosmic joke.  I just hope if the patterns are true and real... I'll find another person to be with in a couple of years.

I hope so extremely, I don't think I could handle this life all alone...

[Cainite]

Most females like complete a******s or like to be lied to. I donnu why negativity and evil attracts them most.
I know exactly how to for example make my hair, act, speak, ... for them to really become interested in me. but that's just not me and I rather be myself than impress ppl who have such blockages.

I see monogamy as Coordinate_Apotheosis and Glow do.

I used to enjoy watching female faces as they enjoyed. the more intelligent, stylish, and real they were the better.
I could've built a relationship or slept with many.
But I would rarely approach them or even seem approachable or not reject them even when I was very lonely.

For a while I decided to just try casual sex.
But then it turned out these ppl are not ready for it, and it would end up with my depolarization.
And of course less blockages in my chakras make my taste a lot different than them. they like to be belittled or they like bondage.. disgusting stuff.

Haven't been in any relationships for years and don't intend to start one. and I've recently rejected the girls who know me and wanted to come to my house to check out my cats (yeah.. lol. weaklings can't admit their true purpose).

I hate ownership. My ex (my current best friend) is now with someone else but still we speak daily and hang out once a week.
Her BF is also a very good friend of mine. we're a powerful triangle like Don, Jim, and Carla.    (of course I'm Don   )
She thinks she has two lovers. but my love for her goes beyond romance and is more brotherly.

Now I live like a monk, except with long hair and almost no desire for sex or a new relationship. except if the person is very awakened.
I just advise them and become like their shrinks. (good way to teach the Law of One)

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I wonder how sexuality and relationships are managed by wanderers.  It'd seem overall that we seem to have more trouble than success forming a successful healthy relationship, while some others seem to form such a relationship just fine.

It's interesting how it might be that all of, for instance, my experiences might have been planned out.

How the lessons behind them all might be to learn more deeply forgiveness of others in how they treat us.  Or wisdom in what not to do, or what to do, or how to respond.

I wonder often why having a mate is so important to me.  Perhaps I'm just afraid of being alone.

[The Traveler]

In fact so drastically did my sexuality tastes change during my kundalini awakening that I discovered I had a massive fetish for consensual tentacle porn and hentai mangas that portrayed the female protagonist as enjoying themselves from full body stimulation or experiencing enough pleasure to disassociate.

It's very interesting that you say this as I have had/have a similar thing going on with me right now which is rather uncomfortable to talk about, started about a year ago. I have at times these weird sexual fantasies of insectoid like creatures/aliens with humans, never used to have these thoughts before. Someone told me that I'm very new to Earth and the Milky Way in fact, this is my third incarnation here. The interesting thing is that in numerology my life path number is three and my favorite number is also three, I have always had a fascination with this number.

Anyways, I might be getting this odd fantasies due to past life energies coming through due to me being more receptive of them now after my "awakening" in 2015.

So try not to feel too weird or alone, cause you're not

[The Traveler]

Try telling a date you're 25 still living with your mommy because your ex who's the mother of your son you haven't seen in years bailed on an apartment screwing you with an eviction and none of your friends want to be your roommate.

Well I still live with my parents and I'm 26, I also happen to be unemployed too which makes it worse. It's been a difficult 2 years for me, losing a job due to the company liquidating and then the other due to end of contract and I thought they would keep me on cause my work was rather good, you know what they say about assuming...

I have no idea what job I want, all i know is that I want to be happy doing it. My dream is to build an expedition truck and live in it as my home, completely off-grid, I would like to travel and be out in the wilderness away from people and the disappointment that is everyday life on this planet, guess I'm looking for freedom.

So please don't feel too bad

[Glow]

Most females like complete a******s or like to be lied to. I donnu why negativity and evil attracts them most.
I know exactly how to for example make my hair, act, speak, ... for them to really become interested in me. but that's just not me and I rather be myself than impress ppl who have such blockages.

Most people are actively stuck in pain patterns and are constantly trying to recreate old wounds hoping it will be different this time and they will be loved. I don't judge but feel compassion, it must be horrible.

I see monogamy as Coordinate_Apotheosis and Glow do.

I'm not sure the way I see monogamy came across correctly. I love commitment, and have no interest in casual sex. I actually wouldn't be with anyone who wanted casual sex, even from others. Not a judgement, just our needs wouldn't parallel each other.

I love to go deep and explore my love for a person for a lifetime I just don't think it has to be just one person. I think its fear and control that drive that.

Pretty much the only thing I see wrong with current monogomous relationships is that its limited to just ONE. Which is ownership, having the same loving relationship paradigm just not so limiting is what is ideal for me.

I love the heck out of my husband all of him even his "flaws" the world would say exist, I just want more of that and think him having more would be a blessing vs a curse. Im not at all interested in shallow quick relationships or liasons where no one loves to deep, its flesh based or no strings attached, the sto part of relationships is the dedication, nurturing, care, protection and spoiling that show you see them as not a passing fancy but someone you will go the distance for. At least that is how it works for me, how I am wired.

Not sure I needed to clarify but I did. Because it sounds like both you and CA see casual sex as something you both see as preferable and I don't. Its the dedication of committed relationships that I love. I think though if we didn't have to pick only one person we wouldn't "fall out of love" when we met another we loved. There would be no need to abandon those we treasure, just incorporate more love in.

I used to enjoy watching female faces as they enjoyed. the more intelligent, stylish, and real they were the better.
I could've built a relationship or slept with many.
But I would rarely approach them or even seem approachable or not reject them even when I was very lonely.

just curious why? Is it ownership you are avoiding or commitment because the two are very different things, often blurred in this culture.

For a while I decided to just try casual sex.
But then it turned out these ppl are not ready for it, and it would end up with my depolarization.

This is the part I was referring to I'm not sure its a "not ready for it" thing. More what one seeks from relationship, physical sensation or emotional/spiritual which in this demension(without telepathy and total transparency oneness) require time investment to actually reach.

And of course less blockages in my chakras make my taste a lot different than them. they like to be belittled or they like bondage.. disgusting stuff.

Usually this stuff comes from pain and things yet resolved. I've explored some of these things and because there was/always will be a great deal of love between us there was no depolarization, done correctly it can actually help the one you love work through blockages. I certainly understand it not being what resonates. I considered it a gift of service to one I love/loved deeply.

Haven't been in any relationships for years and don't intend to start one. and I've recently rejected the girls who know me and wanted to come to my house to check out my cats (yeah.. lol. weaklings can't admit their true purpose).

I hate ownership. My ex (my current best friend) is now with someone else but still we speak daily and hang out once a week.
Her BF is also a very good friend of mine. we're a powerful triangle like Don, Jim, and Carla.  Angel  (of course I'm Don  Cool )
She thinks she has two lovers. but my love for her goes beyond romance and is more brotherly.

My first mate I love in a mate/sister/mother/bestfriend way. I think that is called divine love and is a sign of a strong soul connection. She sounds pretty lucky. I hope you find what works best for you and makes you very happy in the long run.

Now I live like a monk, except with long hair and almost no desire for sex or a new relationship. except if the person is very awakened.
I just advise them and become like their shrinks. (good way to teach the Law of One)

I think this would be me if I was single.
But you never know where life will take you, or what you are being readied for.  

[Glow]

Haha that makes me think of the Futurama episode A Beast with a Million Backs.  Where love between EVERYONE is as simple as not being so judgemental.

Never saw that but its funny how truth is hidden in some unlikely places. I love Bojack Horseman for that reason. Still a giant orgy sounds not at all like something I'd want. I really thrive on the dedication and getting to know people extremely deeply, you simply cant do this in 3d with more than a few people and lifelong dedication. A  "beast with a million backs" actually sounds like the opposite of what I would want in 3d, maybe in late 6d when we all are aproaching comlete oneness anyways but not in 3d.

I'm very glad to know I'm not the only one who feels that way, I didn't say anything because I do think I'd be too jealous or scared of my mate leaving me for another they preferred to be with, or worse a group.

 I think most people are conditioned this way. We evolved culturally in a paradigm of lack, so we seek to control resources and fear the loss of absolute primary access/ownership. Love is a huge resource. Its pretty great self awareness to admit this about yourself, most people cant look that deep.
fear drives most things vs love and that is why we are as we are.

It's a very terrible feeling knowing someone you love is banging other people without a care about you in mind.  So, I think trust is a key component of a relationship, but I've always desired a monogamous relationship with dedication to each other in mind.

I've been there with one in reality and the other it was just a could have been situation, but wasnt. In both cases I was moved deeply that they were being loved and cared for  in my absence.  Even more so knowing if I was no longer they would still be cared for nurtured and safe. The word is compersion. I think it will be more common in 4d.
compersion - The feeling of joy one has experiencing another's joy, such as in witnessing a toddler's joy and feeling joy in response. The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.

[Cainite]

just curious why? Is it ownership you are avoiding or commitment because the two are very different things, often blurred in this culture.

I have no problem with commitment.
And about ownership, I used to get jealous if my ex (gf at that time) liked anyone else or... but then I changed in time and now I'm not jealous at all and despise ownership.

My first mate I love in a mate/sister/mother/bestfriend way. I think that is called divine love and is a sign of a strong soul connection. She sounds pretty lucky. I hope you find what works best for you and makes you very happy in the long run.

Even she sometimes takes me for granted.

My expectations in people are quite low now, maybe too low to consider my self as not alone.. forever on this planet and specially in this vile country.

In whatever situation or relationship I feel very alone. but this loneliness doesn't bother me anymore, at least not as much as ''not being with a mate'' does bother almost anyone else.

[Glow]

In whatever situation or relationship I feel very alone. but this loneliness doesn't bother me anymore, at least not as much as ''not being with a mate'' does bother almost anyone else.

I think I know this loneliness. It to me seems to be separation from God. Humans can never really fill that longing. I had it disappear completely once because of a catalyst experience that allowed me to see only the creator in another wanderer. It was like having god in the flesh right by your side. Couldn't last due to circumstances, likely was never intended to or it would have.

I know I felt that lonliness before him but couldn't have named it, because I had never had that feeling absolved with the undeniable presence. Anyways I think we all feel it to greater or lessor degree. Glad you are getting better at handling it.
Some days are easier than others.

I think this feeling is what drives others to attain wealth, seek superficial relationships, have lots of meaningless sex, chase the golden carrot, busy busy busy always thinking this will be the thing that fills that place inside. I don't think its meant to be filled, just used as a beacon calling us back eventually home.

Maybe not

[GentleReckoning]

I find the loneliness to be more related to the complete lack of humans to relate to on an intelligent level. People that are aware and on the 'path'. Or any conscious path really....

[Cainite]

I find the loneliness to be more related to the complete lack of humans to relate to on an intelligent level. People that are aware and on the 'path'. Or any conscious path really....

Yeah.. this is exactly what I meant.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Why is quoting so hard on a phone x-x

In regards to casual sex, I was for a while very interested in the idea until I began being chances to do so.  I lost my virginity to casual sex.  I also only ever had two people I was casual with both of whom I'm no longer friends with.

Casual sex used to sound very appealing, now I recognize it as sexualizing others.  Women see the man as a penis to bang, men see the woman as a vagina to bang.  It's actually disturbing to me now whereas it used to be desirable.

I don't view monogamy as ownership.  When I think of ownership I think of dom/sub relationships, consensual sex slavery, sex pets, all that stuff.  Monogamy to me isn't about the singleness of having another only to yourself, it's about a commitment of dedicating yourself in love to working with making a shared life with another.  Not having the other all to yourself.

Some people make monogamy into that, into a 'I have you now' sort of thing.  That's not a healthy relationship to me.  When you're both using each other under the guise of a relationship.

I used to think open relationships were acceptable.  Glow, in regards to losing another, I speak from experience.  There was once a girl I came to really adore, her name was Anna.  Long story short Anna used me to get to my two best friends, began dating them after making me think she was going after me, then lied to them about me about some messed up stuff to them.

My concern is not their pleasure once they begin doing such things like having sex with others just to hurt me.

If it were an actual loving relationship where I know from experience that the other person just wants to have fun and explore, then I would let them sleep with other people.  I HAVE let that happen actually without concern or issue.

It's when they do so to hurt me that I'm not okay with it, and it's when that trust and commitment to each other is broken that I fear their infidelity basically.

That kind of pain and suffering has left a huge gash in my life, I have been cheated on and manipulated for a woman's gain not once or twice or even thrice but often enough.  I struggle to believe in the good intentions of women from it.  I struggle greatly with not judging women because of it.
None of those women have ever apologised or told me they thought about me and my feelings and how they used me.  Rather I often feel like I am garbage in their minds, just something to use then throw away.

It's one of the greater pains of my life how cruely women have treated me, contrasted to my kindness towards them.  It's why when I'm called an oppressor of women, I scoff from the back of my throat with disbelief that I, the abused one, am now the abuser for not being okay with being abused.

I was hurt but I am trying each day to not hold my hurt against others, and while I fail often enough, I succeed often enough too...

I just wish others would see that, especially women who've been hurt by men the way women have hurt me.  Don't blame the whole fruit basket as being bad when only a few bad apples were apparent.

I've now seen compassion fatugue and compersion, it'd seem compassion has many facets of being.

I don't condone cheating.  There's a difference between openly sharing with love and purposefully going behind someone's back.  If my love wanted to bang someone, I'd be satisfied to know they took my feelings into consideration.  I, however being a not the most attractive man, am still extremely cautious of others.

I have been throw away like garbage enough times to be wary of creating circumstances leading up to that occurrence again.  I think it's my right as well to be cautious of men and women who treat others like that.  I don't deserve to be left for another person, I'm not that bad of a person...

I find my jealousy is well had.  I hope none of you ever know the pain of someone you love purposefully having intercourse with another just to provoke a negative feeling from you.  It's a feeling on par with the misery I felt in 2015 thinking I was in Hell.

Loneliness to me comes in the form of misunderstanding and poor expression.  I'm bad at social stuff, I'm also weird and lacking in properly being raised.  I didn't even consider my clothing as an important part of meeting others until I was in my twenties.  I went through all of high school in a jacket and sweatpants.  Walked around in comfy clothes like the world was my home.  Even wore a trench coat to school a few times.  No one seemed to care, but I discovered it was more that I didn't know to care about my appearance.  My hair is a monster, it doesn't behave lol, and overall I usually look like a mess.
In some ways, my appearance reflects my inner being.  It wasn't until the Law of One was a part of my life that I discovered how to tend to my clothes beyond washing and drying them, but how to fold them, hang them up, how to keep graphics on them from fading.  Stuff like that.

So, for me, I'm mostly lonely because I was never raised to know how to attract friends, or even how to take care of myself, had to figure it out on my own and I still am.

It's just sad to me how much we all judge the looks of a person.  Maybe they're just having a bad hair day?

@Traveler, It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who got some weird fetish.  I can't imagine why I find what I do so arousing.

I can however say that it is my honest opinion that for some people, a weird fetish may be indicative of a well developed indigo ray.  Even Einstein and Tesla had a few weird preferences, amongst others of notable name.  But beyond that I can only say from my experiences reading chakras that people with fetishes usually have an interesting play of indigo/lower-triad interenergy exchanges.  Whether this is good or bad seems to not be the point, but rather I think some people just have fantasies they have taken to heart and mind in exploring.  Whether such manifest seems to be by the actions of the individual.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthread.php?tid=159

This thread is about the Futurama episode I mentioned, how funny haha~

[Cainite]

I had another dream that I was intimate with someone in, I had a mate in the dream. we kissed and everything felt very real. it's like I went on a date now.
I remember last time this happened, I was missing her the next day. it was someone else though this time.

I don't really know them but in the dream I do. this has happened five times at least. even once the dream friend was a male. and we got along really fine. we had those magical very funny moments.. our sense of humor was in tune. unlike the dreams about the females, there wasn't any sexual attraction between us though.

I think solitude has made me a freak who has intimate relationships only in dreams when asleep.

The people who think they're my friends.. I don't feel close to them. they have been selfish in the past and I can only appreciate most of them from afar now. when we hang out they don't act conscious and also shamelessly care more about my benefits more than myself. these people make me feel more alone. but still they have many times provided catalysts for me that helped change my viewpoints and get out of my fantasy world a little, the world which I live in.

[blackwanderer]

Hey, Major3rd, I feel the EXACT same way. You might be asexual, which is when one does not feel sexual attraction, also known as the "4th sexuality" after straight, gay, and bisexual. There's a website called asexuality.org that I think you will be very interested in. Tons of people on there who feel the exact same way you do. I know I do

*When it comes to sexuality, there IS a difference between SEXUAL attraction and ROMANTIC attraction. One may be asexual but still want to be in relationships, kiss, and all that stuff, and vice versa. People who aren't romantically attracted to others can be labeled as "aromantic."

Anyway, I think you're on the right track with what the Law of One says. Even Mandelker's "Are You a Wanderer?" Quiz has a question about being confused by hot passion and desire as a sign of having an ET soul. (http://www.scottmandelker.com/Articles/etquiz.html)

I'm almost 19 and I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, although when I tell people that I've never dated or had a crush they refuse to take me seriously. Mostly because of my age really. Like I can tell if someone has a pretty or handsome face, but my attractions toward people don't go much further than that. I like having close friends but relationships and sex don't make sense to my body.

Hopefully this gives you a little more understanding about your feelings and its relations to the Law of One

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Aromantic?

Well, guess I'll give that a look at lol

[blackwanderer]

Aromantic?

Well, guess I'll give that a look at lol

Yeah, it can be an odd concept because it's something that some people do feel but for the longest that feeling never had a word up until the last several years. That's why a lot of people think asexuality or aromantics don't exist or are being fake.

[Glow]

Aromantic?

Well, guess I'll give that a look at lol

Yeah, it can be an odd concept because it's something that some people do feel but for the longest that feeling never had a word up until the last several years. That's why a lot of people think asexuality or aromantics don't exist or are being fake.

I think that stuff is on a spectrum too, much like the hetro/homo sexual orientation.
I consider myself demi sexual which some consider asexual but honestly I have had sex multiple times a day, it the makings of a great day, its just to be attracted to someone sexually it has to be a deep connection then it trips the physical/emotional/mental/spiritual boxes and I'm pretty much always ready.
without that I have zero interest.
So yeah 2 men in my life I’ve had/wanted that with so I guess I understand it being classed as a form of asexuality.
Still very sexual but not interested in incomplete intimacy

[AnthroHeart]

I'd be happy just romanticizing my favorite beings, like my avatar. Maybe I'd do intimacy at a later date, but cuddling is always welcome.
I don't want children. That adds karma to your life.