What can cause holes in auric fields, LSD, Childhood sexual assult but what else?

[Cainite]

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[Glow]

I just want to thank you guys for posting about your experiences.

I have a friend who is very full of that exact anger(same one that was similar to you in another thread Cainite). I certainly don't judge him for it but I have no ability to go there with him to ease that feeling of being alone in it. At least hearing you guys talk I can sort of glean some insight as to what he is experiencing. He doesn't open up much about that part because he knows I lack the ability to sustain anger. I truly appreciate your service in sharing this experience with us.

BTW Im going to borrow 'hey look, the creator's being a douche bag again'' for times when the world gets to me. lol

[Cainite]

Glow, I don't know about your friend. but my anger is apparently because of a bad childhood as well as the kind of catalysts my higherself programs. but I guess it has sth to do with my inability to forgive myself for killing a hamster years ago too.

The roots to problems like this are not very obvious.. you're kind and understanding to your friend. i'm sure that helps him a lot.

[Glow]

Glow, I don't know about your friend. but my anger is apparently because of a bad childhood as well as the kind of catalysts my higherself programs. but I guess it has sth to do with my inability to forgive myself for killing a hamster years ago too.

The roots to problems like this are not very obvious.. you're  kind and understanding to your friend. i'm sure that helps him a lot.

Hey Cainite, Thanks for continuing to open up and share with me. My friend too had a really incredible youth, it has spiraled into a difficult adulthood. He has shared everything in that respect with me because we basically had the same life. My response to life was sadness and extreme terror to the point of inability to function and his like yours was anger. Both are a form of self rejection I think. My pit was very deep and dark and I'm sure the anger pit is basically its neighbor.

I really appreciate what you say about your root being inability to forgive yourself as I have been told by my guidance that his anger is turned inward as well as outward, and his is rooted in anger at self. I am so sorry you are dealing with that too.

Do you also push those that love you away? I am enduring the big push right now, even though he busys himself with distraction not to feel it I know he is suffering.

Can I tell you about the hamster thing? It doesn't matter.
I mean I know it does to you because you had to experience it, and to people who like to judge others on this planet thinking they can label good/bad but from outside that 3d view it really doesn't matter. Still so loved and judgement isn't really a thing outside our realm.
There is no devil because I am the devil and I am the holiest of holys. We all are. s*** is just a bit f***** up here with all the pain.

So not sure if it helps at all or not but know I didn't even blink at the hamster thing. I bet the light of god that inhabited the hamster would really like you to forgive yourself because pain does stuff to people and its all good. Hamster is exploring a different portion of creation now,... maybe with wings. Who knows.

Sorry if any of this reads in a way that bothers you. I always care and I always try but it doesn't mean I always get it right. ((((((hugs))))))

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Such inspiring words, Glow.  Thank you for sharing too.  I think it's a good way to process those experiences too, getting to see them in contrast to other's experiences.  Might reveal something of our life themes and plans.

Such as anger and anxiety in some of us being a major hurdle to deal with in life.

And perhaps our experiences with handling such hurdles.  You both seem to be doing quite well with handling such things.  It's quite inspiring.

I often feel regret about my deceased cat.  I feel like I did not pet him enough, and punished him too often, and didn't think about him enough.  So, I try to do better with my current cat.  I am doing better with my current cat, and that makes me feel a bit happier.  Sort of.  Just a bit, but I do have to admit, my first cat was awesome, he deserved more pets and attention, and that will sit with me for the rest of my life, reminding me that all cats deserve a lot of loving attention, often, at least weekly, just a few minutes of petting them.  Poor animals rely on us humans to survive, at least I could give them more attention.

It does make me want to understand how animals are though, so perhaps death isn't all bad, it drives us to be better, to understand more.

[Mahakali]

sometimes it sounds like past events and other times like its still happening.

"I am Ra. We refrain from speaking of correctness due to our understanding of the immense difficulty of absorbing the concepts of metaphysical existence. In time/space, which is precisely as much of your self as is space/time, all times are simultaneous"

Do you even Law of One, bro?

As someone who's had these thoughts before, I just want you to know Mah that I believe you're a kind and passionate guy underneath all of that anger.  And that you're awesome and you deserve to know that.

And that I think you know that following through with such thoughts won't bring you peace, and that I think you just want some peace.

And...  That I hope you find it~

But that's the whole idea here. If a bunch of dumb kids come after you, f*** one up nice and good and the others will leave you alone. You might still have enemies, but most people are weak and/or not emotionally invested enough in tormenting you that they'll be willing to risk their life. Following through with such thoughts are far more likely to help than not responding.

No, I'll probably never have true peace; internally, I'm too tormented, and it looks like nothing will ever fix that. But certain people have told me that they intend to torment me further, for whatever bullshit reason they pulled out of their ass to rationalize it to the slaves and the moralfags, and I'm not okay with that, and I think that they'd have a lot less puppets willing to fulfill their goal if I take a couple out.

......

To clarify, what I was talking about in that post had nothing to with anger, just efficiency. People are significantly less likely to mess with me if they realize that there can be consequences for doing so. Right now, people harass me because (1) thoughtforms and emotionforms (yes, I just made that word up) connected to me encourage them to do so, and (2) they think I'm an easy target.

Beating one of them within an inch of its life, or even an inch or two beyond, would go a long way towards solving both probems.

As for the people I actually do want to take revenge on, actually do feel hatred for, they've done a little bit more than take up some extra space on the bus, and murder would be too merciful for them. If I do end up killing them, it'll be because I want to get as many of them as possible, and I'll still try to find some way to trap their astral body at death so that I can continue to give my love and light to them long after their causal incarnation.

Oh, do the game admins try to make you stay in 3rd density again if you kill someone? Then I'll kill them, too. Rip their asses straight out of Heaven and make them scream "Rakshama!" over and over and over again until they are no more. They can't be invincible. My hate can corrode them with enough effort.

f*** that meek forgive and forget bullshit. There will be blood; I don't have anything else.

[Cainite]

Do you also push those that love you away? I am enduring the big push right now, even though he busys himself with distraction not to feel it I know he is suffering.

Now no one loves me . just kidding, my friend does. she nurtured me in my worst schizophrenic months everyday with her incredible energy that works on me best. every other friend left me.. suddenly I wasn't popular among them. cuz they thought I'm not cool anymore or sth. she says they couldn't handle my terrible energy cuz I was too messed up. but still I expected a lot more.

But thanks to that experience now I know who's my friend and who's not. and what/whom I should live/die for.

Although for about 4 years or more, I tortured myself and escaped pleasure and love. tried suicide. and there are so many cuts on my left hand.

Can I tell you about the hamster thing? It doesn't matter.
I mean I know it does to you because you had to experience it, and to people who like to judge others on this planet thinking they can label good/bad but from outside that 3d view it really doesn't matter. Still so loved and judgement isn't really a thing outside our realm.
There is no devil because I am the devil and I am the holiest of holys. We all are. s*** is just a bit f***** up here with all the pain.

So not sure if it helps at all or not but know I didn't even blink at the hamster thing. I bet the light of god that inhabited the hamster would really like you to forgive yourself because pain does stuff to people and its all good. Hamster is exploring a different portion of creation now,... maybe with wings. Who knows.

Sorry if any of this reads in a way that bothers you. I always care and I always try but it doesn't mean I always get it right. ((((((hugs))))))

Thank you so much, Glow about the wings thing and the kind words.
I really hope he has wings now!
Can't face the little guy and tell him how sorry I am for taking his cute, innocent life. the guilt won't go away anytime soon but it has lessened a lot since those years. at that time I couldn't think about anything else.. blamed myself for everything, departure of my family, ...

Nowadays I just numb the pain using morphine, which has darkened my world in another way. I require lots of healing.
It's middle of the night here. I wake up a lot during night. reading your post makes me go back to bed feeling better. tnx

[Cainite]

....blah blah, bs.

Mahakili, that bus thing was just an example to show you how easily my hatred surfaces now. not the root of my hatred of course.


And do you think about the consequences? prison would suck, u know.

[Glow]

I often feel regret about my deceased cat.  I feel like I did not pet him enough, and punished him too often, and didn't think about him enough.  So, I try to do better with my current cat.  I am doing better with my current cat, and that makes me feel a bit happier.  Sort of.  Just a bit, but I do have to admit, my first cat was awesome, he deserved more pets and attention, and that will sit with me for the rest of my life, reminding me that all cats deserve a lot of loving attention, often, at least weekly, just a few minutes of petting them.  Poor animals rely on us humans to survive, at least I could give them more attention.

It does make me want to understand how animals are though, so perhaps death isn't all bad, it drives us to be better, to understand more.

I guess if your regret at not giving your last cat enough attention is fueling you to give the current one more then you are using that catalyst well. Don't let the guilt fester though. Same as goes for the hamster or deceased relatives we are all of god and so understand once we cross. We can even reach that understanding here so don't hold to tight to that self judgement, let it do its job at illiciting a behavior change you think is appropriate then let it go, the cat has. It doesn't need to fester, and you/god as that cat would like better things and experiences for you.

[Mahakali]

............

I guess we'll see.

On the contrary, I'm smart enough not to go running headfirst into every trap that's set for me. I've seen what happens to people who do that.

Nah, I'm plenty action. The people who witnessed my last outburst we too scared to go to the police. =D

A lot of it also has to do with the fact that I was being manipulated during said outburst by enemies, and I'm determined not to let it happen again. No shame in biding your time against an opponent you're not prepared for, and if they think I won't ever do anything, so much the better.

[Mahakali]

......................................................................................
blah, blah, prison

get caught, blah, blah
......................................................................................

If you're still thinking in these terms, then your opinion is probably pretty misinformed, anyways. You really couldn't understand.

Whining posts about "My country is the worst for morality, I hope people are better elsewhere".

They're not. The rules of the game might be different. You should come to Western countries and see how black magick is done here. Pick fights with the people I have and see if you survive anywhere near as long.

Go through situations where friends and family members actually are getting killed. Where it's not just a bad dream.

Even my enemies have been forced to admit that I'm intelligent, and you clearly aren't, seeing as you can't even see the anti-glamour veil they've placed around me... but that same veil, annoying as it is, might ultimately work to my advantage, too.

People like you who are more prone to groupthink and being influenced by those sorts of subtle-impressions - morality, anti-glamour magick, etc. - are nothing to worry about. I've met real sorcerers who are real problems, and dealing with those requires some thought.

Your one good point is that I talk much and do little, but I've already considered that myself quite a bit. And there are situations where I'm glad I did nothing; like I said, you should see how black magick is done here. With your mentality, you would not survive long against the big dogs.

[Glow]

Hey guys I really appreciate getting to experience the moments of camaraderie you guys shared.
It helped me a lot to understand myself and others.
No judgement and you guys can continue as is but I thought you might not have noticed you are being triggered and are triggering each other, surprise its coming out as anger.

I'm not sure how this works with these emotions so maybe this is exactly what you guys need to do but I thought I would just do the public service announcement. Its really not about either of you, you are fighting ghosts. Neither of you are the enemy of the other. Eeee not sure what to say if anything.

If we were in person this would be the time I would cause a horrible scene and distract you both.... where is DeltaB with those gifs? those are crazy distracting......

Be right back with some sort of diversion. Love you both!!!!!!!!!!!

[Cainite]

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[MangusKhan]

Hey guys I really appreciate getting to experience the moments of camaraderie you guys shared.
It helped me a lot to understand myself and others.
No judgement and you guys can continue as is but I thought you might not have noticed you are being triggered and are triggering each other, surprise its coming out as anger.

I'm not sure how this works with these emotions so maybe this is exactly what you guys need to do but I thought I would just do the public service announcement. Its really not about either of you, you are fighting ghosts. Neither of you are the enemy of the other. Eeee not sure what to say if anything.

If we were in person this would be the time I would cause a horrible scene and distract you both.... where is DeltaB with those gifs? those are crazy distracting......

Be right back with some sort of diversion. Love you both!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes young men simply need to let off steam, Glow. I was almost at fists with my dear childhood friend the other month. Can you believe he forsook my 21st birthday in order to stay in with his girlfriend!? You gotta laugh though because now we're back to being best mates. Such is the way of abundant red ray. Too much red ray. My diagnosis of this conflict: 90% superficial manifestation of the body complex.

Buy a punching bag and bare-knuckle that sucker (with proper form of course, I don't want the karma of that wrist injury).

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I used to own a punching bag.

I broke it with one punch.

I felt like one punch man lol, it is a story my best friend still brings up now and then lol

[Mahakali]

You're obviously the one with the bigger hole in the auric field. so I'll just leave.

Well... that much might be true, but I'm working on it.

Yeah, I got my ass kicked, but so does everybody. If I pull out of this one, I'll be strong.

They did admit that I'm intelligent, yes.

First world countries... Yes, someone like me would have done better in a country where there aren't programs designed to modify my etheric body from a young age and destroy esoteric development. I would rather had to grow up in economic struggle than have my spirituality stunted by chemical castration and techniques this refined.

No, I'm not forgiving those people. Yes, there will be blood.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I think the biggest surprise for you at the end of life, mah, will be just how much you've grown in spirit from all of these ordeals.  Soul's, they'll make a lifetime of suffering for a better existence afterwards.

I agree the afflicted life doesn't deserve to be used like that. I hope you find peace.

Why don't you start a thread describing everything going on? Maybe someone who can help will read it one day?

[Cainite]

You're obviously the one with the bigger hole in the auric field. so I'll just leave.

Well... that much might be true, but I'm working on it.

Yeah, I got my ass kicked, but so does everybody. If I pull out of this one, I'll be strong.

They did admit that I'm intelligent, yes.

First world countries... Yes, someone like me would have done better in a country where there aren't programs designed to modify my etheric body from a young age and destroy esoteric development. I would rather had to grow up in economic struggle than have my spirituality stunted by chemical castration and techniques this refined.

Yeah trust me, most wanderers here are bitchin all the time and their world is so much darker than others.

No, I'm not forgiving those people. Yes, there will be blood.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

American Dad is such a horrible, yet funny show.

I wonder how many auric holes Seth McFarlane has got going on lol...

[Cainite]

Btw I should be thankful of these holes. we should appreciate our holes for they are the reasons we seek to heal the self and get on the spiritual path.

So special thanks to the holes.. and the h**s who help us attain these holes, to learn forgiveness and stuff like that.

[Mahakali]

Yeah trust me, most wanderers here are bitchin all the time and their world is so much darker than others.

Well. I don't know about "darker", but I do think there's a point where human consciousness plateaus in misery, and once you hit that point, it's a singularity of unhappiness that you're never going to transcend; you can only go deeper, and anyone who reaches it, however they did, is at the same level as anyone else who has... there's no "more" or "less". I don't think many on this forum have reached that level.

I also think it can be used for purposes of demonic empowerment.

Mmmhmm.

But I can't believe I worried about your opinion at all to start with. You watch American Dad.

You're acting like some uber-tough guy troll on bring4th and invalidating everything I say, and I actually let one of your comments get to me a little bit, and you watch American Dad.

I'm beginning to realize that most people are just as bad as me or worse, and that a lot of them have even more insecurities and idiocy than I do. That most people are actually more impure and profane and puppeted by their hormones than I am. That nobody on this planet really knows what they're doing at all.

And that I have a lot of problems, but I'm actually interested in working on them and building something better. That I'm controlled by my emotions and psychological conditioning and human thought in general to some degree, but I'm beginning to see that and have the desire to work beyond it, and that's more than most people can say, including most of my detractors and even people I used to look up to.

You watch fucking American Dad. This has actually brought on some kind of serious epiphany.

American Dad is such a horrible, yet funny show.

I wonder how many auric holes Seth McFarlane has got going on lol...

It's horrible all right.

Drawn Together was Family Guy-style humor done right. Family Guy and its derivatives are Family Guy-style humor done wrong.

And hell, I even liked Family Guy when I was in the 12-15 age range, but even back then I knew that American Dad wasn't funny.

Seth MacFarlane is just some liberal douche who rehashed the Simpsons six times with more penis jokes and called them all different shows. And, I looked up to him as a kid, but s***, I doubt he's got all that many auric holes, walking around sane enough to function in society and make stupid cartoons.

Btw I should be thankful of these holes. we should appreciate our holes for they are the reasons we seek to heal the self and get on the spiritual path.

So special thanks to the holes.. and the h**s who help us attain these holes, to learn forgiveness and stuff like that.

I already knew forgiveness. I'm a very forgiving person.

But there are certain things that just crossed a line that I'm not able to forgive, and those people will suffer for it. I'm not thankful. They'll regret it.

They're just people who want to hurt me and think they can do it and walk away because I'm an easy target. But, hell, some of them probably even watch American Dad. They're probably not so scary once I figure them out.

They've still got fears and insecurities and egos that care what other people think and the ability to feel pain and goals/dreams that can be ruined. I have none of these things, which gives me the advantage. Nothing is a very dangerous gift to give someone.

[Mahakali]

I think the biggest surprise for you at the end of life, mah, will be just how much you've grown in spirit from all of these ordeals.  Soul's, they'll make a lifetime of suffering for a better existence afterwards.

I agree the afflicted life doesn't deserve to be used like that. I hope you find peace.

Why don't you start a thread describing everything going on? Maybe someone who can help will read it one day?

f*** that. I'm sticking around for a while. Every now and then I hear someone complain about how I'm still alive, and it just warms my heart and uplifts my soul.

I'll grow from it - what does not kill, makes stronger - and I'll use it here and now.

I've started enough threads. If there's one thing the edgy terrorist Forgotten Tomb fan with bad taste in TV has right, it's that I spend too much time talking s*** and not enough time doing s***.

[Cainite]

No I don't watch TV Shows. I used to watch ''a bit of Fry and Laurie'', the old ''Sherlock holmes''. a few episodes of ''House''.

[Cainite]

''If there's one thing the edgy terrorist Forgotten Tomb fan with bad taste in TV has right''

Terrorist? lol. you're as stupid as amercian dad. I should probably call you fatass american or sth too. maybe that way u'll like me.

Am I your only problem in bring4th?

And also you should check out some of FT's older works. I think they disbanded or the band changed. cuz I only like 2 old albums.

[Cainite]

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[Mahakali]

''If there's one thing the edgy terrorist Forgotten Tomb fan with bad taste in TV has right''

Terrorist? lol. you're as stupid as amercian dad. I should probably call you fatass american or sth too. maybe that way u'll like me.

Am I your only problem in bring4th?

And also you should check out some of FT's older works. I think they disbanded or the band changed. cuz I only like 2 old albums.

You judge too quickly, terrorist. Or maybe you should just learn to recognize sarcasm when you see it.

I legit wasn't criticizing you for liking Forgotten Tomb, though; I listen to them. I just couldn't think of another quip that matched the verbal rhythm I was going for.

Now go back to worrying again about my opinion, kid.
Cuz i dont watch american dad. )

You're lying. You "liked" that other guy's post about Seth MacFarlane (even if you unlike it now, inb4).

Either way, your inability to recognize that "terrorist" was a joke amounts to the same thing. The epiphany still stands.



EDIT: Also, yeah, you are. Nobody else here really engages me aggressively, at least not directly. But I'm hyper-aggressive myself and don't really mind it, anyway. Occasionally one of my posts gets edited or I get a lecture from the admins when I say something horrible enough, but that's about it.

[Cainite]

You're lying. You "liked" that other guy's post about Seth MacFarlane (even if you unlike it now, inb4).

Either way, your inability to recognize that "terrorist" was a joke amounts to the same thing. The epiphany still stands.

He said it's a terrible show.

And when did I act like a tough guy? I only come here so others who are willing to be of service to me, help me become a better person and heal.

What you helped me learn was that I should quit complaining. so I'm thankful to you because of that.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

It's so nice to see people getting along in their own ways.

It's weird how even being offensive can bring people together.

I find, in your case Mah, that you often are very VERY vague as to what is specifically occurring or has occurred.  In many posts with your anger showing you reference people and events, but provide so little explanation as to the specifics.

It leaves us... (...probably shouldn't speak for others...) ...Me, rather confused as to what has happened to you that you see no problem in your anger and murderous intent.

Quite honestly I see so much of my own hatred within you that I often feel I am at a loss to interact with you in a way that'll provide a good experience to you.

In my own exploration of animosity, pure malice, and hatred, I have found the root to be a lack of love being given to the person enacting such emotions.

I feel, from that personal realization, that the only true means to combat the purity of destruction in those emotions is to meet their intensity with gentleness, compassionate consideration for that person's life.

Why are they so moved towards destroying? What has happened to them to do this to them?  Why must they suffer so much that they feel the need to spread that suffering?

I cannot just see this now, and walk away totally.  I could, but my heart says this person deserves to be heard.

What is the message under the scream?  What is trying to be truly conveyed in message through the spit and roars?  What is the intended underlying communication of one so willing to reveal their malice?

I mean no insult by this, but I think the message is simple.

"Why won't they love me?"

It's a bit of twisting logic, but I would describe it that a person whom is denied love, becomes cold, then isolated, then bitter, then enters a downward spiral, they grow aggressive, offensive, trying to remind people that they deserve love.  They want love.  They matter too.

In many cases of solitary confinement, the confined person WILL act out, sometimes violently, to garnish attention, to be attended to.  To attract 'care'. This is no different from 'troublemakers', this is no different from being alone and then exploding on, say, a store clerk when things accidentally go wrong.  There's no outlet so everything and anything becomes the outlet.

You deserve to be cared about and considered, your feelings and thoughts, your desires.

So, be angry at me, be offensive.  I will hug that crazed animosity, and tenderly remind you that I see your anger and while I may not be able to understand the depth of it, I will not just let it consume itself in rage.

I will try, to be a friend.

Maybe that's foolish of me, and stupid.

But if I don't try, why would anyone else?

I don't see a bad person when I read your posts.  I see a severely hurt person, and I'll be damned if I'll see that and do nothing at all.   That only seems fair.

I think the world is fair.  I think it's humanity whom is unfair.

I'd also just like to say to both of you, you'd probably have interesting conversations if y'all avoided personal remarks on each other.

I like American Dad, I watch that crap.  I'm a kid, and a (probably labeled in a CIA or FBI database as a domestic) terrorist of my own mind.  I'm a joke, and I am...  Sadly a fat ass American lol.  I talk crap and judge and do basically all that you've called each other.

You can fight, but must it be so personal?  Can't we exchange blows without going below the belt?

I don't mean to try and be a mod or anything, I just don't like seeing arguments turn into fights.  You both have a very sharp tongue, are very intelligent.  I think it'd be dangerous to not point out the power you each have in hurting each other.

Just, please be careful.

[Cainite]

I'm so used to being attacked by strangers for no apparent reason.. believe me. I no longer find it strange.

But on the internet? this has never happened to me. only once, and the person deleted his mean comments after I responded. then I found out some are threatened by me and spend so much energy trying to make me feel like a stranger.. even more.
It's still probably my own fault.. I may seem scary or sth.

How did I offend him? all I do on this forum is seeking help. by pointing out my ''embarrassing'' faults and problems.

I'm damaged and want to be healed as I said. that's why I'm here..
Is ignoring me so hard? does he want to hurt me or help me overcome my faults by pointing them out?

I know my own intentions. I seek to help those who are damaged as I am.

How can liking sth mainstream make you stupid? american dad or anything.. I dont watch it but I did actually find the ending of the video I shared very funny. now does that make me stupid?

I never thought I'm very intelligent cuz of sth like that. because I listen to good music made with instruments. now should I think less of somebody cuz they like rap?

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I think the best response to give Mah is forgiveness.  I can't speak for him but I think underneath his cruelty is an intent to provide care the only way he knows how.

Otherwise I think he would have been much more severe and scathing.

Your feelings matter too Cain, just know that I care about them anyways and hope you won't take Mahakali too personally.  He's offensive by choice for his own reasons, but I never once felt an intent from him to seriously hurt a forum member.

Perhaps the ladder is more true whether he means it that way or not, as regardless of what way it was meant, you may be better off just believing it was meant to point out your faults rather than to hurt you.

I'm sorry, my time on this forum was for a while very disheartening when I realized this isn't a completely safe and stress free place.  Still it is much better than most other places I've seen.

Please try to not let his words get to you.  I'd say the same to him but he wants us to believe he doesn't care so I'll respect that.

I don't think apologies will easily come here, but regardless I do want you to know I'm sorry for him for his words to you.  Hopefully that means something.

Other than that, I think some of our holes are showing in this thread now lol

Weird how we each sort of discussed our auric holes by showing them instead of talking about them.

Just another example of the magic of reality I guess