my mental illness and medication are ruining my life

[AnthroHeart]

Yeah, my meds work for the hellish experiences, but they also remove all the heavenly experiences (bipolar).

Without them, I eventually have fear of my mind expanding.

[Ashim]

Yeah, my meds work for the hellish experiences, but they also remove all the heavenly experiences (bipolar).

Without them, I eventually have fear of my mind expanding.

Do you have regrets about taking meds?

[AnthroHeart]

Yeah, my meds work for the hellish experiences, but they also remove all the heavenly experiences (bipolar).

Without them, I eventually have fear of my mind expanding.

Do you have regrets about taking meds?

Not really. They leave me unable to perform work (as a programmer), and so I'm on disability.

[Ashim]

Yeah, my meds work for the hellish experiences, but they also remove all the heavenly experiences (bipolar).

Without them, I eventually have fear of my mind expanding.

Do you have regrets about taking meds?

Not really. They leave me unable to perform work (as a programmer), and so I'm on disability.

I let things take their natural course and have no regrets. I think that you will 'grow out' of this phase of your incarnation, but would advise strongly against any abrupt cessation  of medication.

[Glow]

I have bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and right now things are getting intense. Im always angry and pissed off at my two sisters and their kids i live with. I dont like it and i cant help it, i want to love them but i cant. I know im a good person its just something in the way.

Further one of my medications - seroquel causes extreme drowsiness and is sometimes used as a sleeping pill in low doses. But im prescribed it for my mentality, and i take obsurd high doses to mask my violent / psychotic tendencies. My family doesnt understand and refuses to do their own research and label me lazy for sleeping around ten hrs a day avg and being on disability. In fact, i just got physical with a sister because she said all i do is sleep all day and was outside my room, in living room talking about me negatively with her daughter. I was doing my best to ignore it but something took over and i started screaming nonsense about how i cant help it and whatnot at them and my sister tried punching me a few times because i was so angry and i pushed her really hard away and she fell down, but not badly. Now im sitting her verge of tears and dont know what to do. ..ive been suicidal for a long time and just want it now more than ever. I need my brother and sisters of sorrows help

Hi I'm not me. Sounds like your siblings lack compassion, and empathy.
I'm sorry to hear that with your current struggles those are the people you are around most.

The best way to love people such as those is to realize they truely cannot at this time grasp what you are going through. Maybe down the road they will have remembered/learned but for now at least know it isn't about you. It doesn't help what you are enduring but you mentioned you wanted to love them.
They aren't making it easy, so perhaps understanding them is an easier first step...

As to your struggles, I know from my own life generally things get worse before they get better. Sometimes better then worse then better then worse and you think you are getting no where when suddenly you realize you've arrived. Keep plugging. Your words send energy and I can feel a great heart is in you. Persever. Nurture yourself, take the time you have to put in place habits that will support you and help you manage so it isn't just the meds holding you together.
things like meditation, nutrition, and even light excersize for those endorphins they bring.

We all here reading your words add your plight to our consiousness, as a result all our hearts call for help on your behalf. It will come be patient and don't expect it to arrive the exact way you expect.
Likely you are in for some growth and healing. ((Hugs))

We are all glad you are with us.

[im_not_me]

Thanks everyone. Thanks for the video IndigoGeminiWolf, I liked it.
I feel a lot better and back to normal grounding now. It's hard to meditate, it can be a bad experience for me sometimes. My monkey mind feels under attack (There is a voice in my head telling me that I will shoot myself. That's its only message) I do want to quit drugs, and get back out of this but I'm on a train and jumping out isn't a means of survival. I could do worse off drugs, I could do better. I could do worse on drugs, I could do better. I've been down a fragile path, and I don't know where anything is going, I feel like a loser. I feel like the end is always near and I'm going to be far away from this any second now... I want to live long and be wise but nothing is ok in my head. Doctors only can prescribe questionable chemical complexes and listen, and they by law can't tell me about themselves or their life experiences so they legally can't even help me on things I say.

[Nicholas]

DO NOT STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION!

At least not for now (grrrrrr Isis! )

i said "i think" he/she should quit them if he/she thinks he/she can manage alright w/o...no need for grring at me. i didn't order him/her to do anything.

Of course, sister. But language is subjective and it could easily be interpreted as encouragement to go cold turkey on medication that "...mask my violent / psychotic tendencies."

I have personal experience of being on both sides of this coin, i.e. I have been both the sender and the receiver of violent/psychotic tendencies. Similarly to what INM has shared, in my case I grabbed my mom round her throat and, rather pathetically tried to strangle her. 24 hours later all was well. This is what can happen when we become possessed by our own shadow if we fail to cuddle and integrate it. Medication, although imperfect and to some degree experimental, can act like a collar, muzzle and cage for our inner wolf that has yet to be loved.

So I am sorry about the grrrrrr coment, miss Piano Fingers (an affectionate nickname I have for you relating to your unusually long and dexterous digits).   

If I could balance that insensitive remark with "prrrrrr isis!". Which would relate to hearing you play a melody on, for example, a piano (long fingered people make excellent musicians!). 

[Billy]

I often feel like a loser and like something is wrong with me too INM.  I resonate with you 110% about not knowing where one is going.  I'm scared that I will never arrive and will remain lost in the abyss forever.  I don't really have much advice to offer apart from saying that you are not alone and that many people in the world feel the same way.  I'm glad you are feeling better.

Here is a spontaneous poem:

When life is scary and hope feels far
Look inside and find a star
A star thats you and you are it
A star the shines, forever lit

Now realize that all you see
Is part of you, including me
If all is love and all is light
Then even night, is oh so bright

Perhaps a little cringe worthy, but maybe it will make you feel better  

[Billy]

So I am sorry about the grrrrrr coment, miss Piano Fingers (an affectionate nickname I have for you relating to your unusually long and dexterous digits).  

Isis has long and dexterous fingers?  I require proof of this.  It is of vital importance.  The fate of the world depends on it.

[Nicholas]

im_not_me,

Hopefully my wife, Heidi, (username Furry rabbit) will join in on this thread at some point, because when I explained just now that I need to go on Bring4th and interact with a member called 'i'm not me', she replied with "Yeah, that's how I feel too." Not a day goes by where she does not say at some point "I want to be myself again".

You are not alone, and you are loved (((   )))

P.S. As always, when I mention Heidi and her situation publicly, I need her consent before publishing it. She just said "yeah that's perfect". And, "Yeah I'll write a post". 

[Nicholas]

So I am sorry about the grrrrrr coment, miss Piano Fingers (an affectionate nickname I have for you relating to your unusually long and dexterous digits).  

Isis has long and dexterous fingers?  I require proof of this.  It is of vital importance.  The fate of the world depends on it.

Check out her blog and marvel at her defiant middle digit 

[Minyatur]

Thanks everyone. Thanks for the video IndigoGeminiWolf, I liked it.
I feel a lot better and back to normal grounding now. It's hard to meditate, it can be a bad experience for me sometimes. My monkey mind feels under attack (There is a voice in my head telling me that I will shoot myself. That's its only message)  I do want to quit drugs, and get back out of this but I'm on a train and jumping out isn't a means of survival. I could do worse off drugs, I could do better. I could do worse on drugs, I could do better. I've been down a fragile path, and I don't know where anything is going, I feel like a loser. I feel like the end is always near and I'm going to be far away from this any second now... I want to live long and be wise but nothing is ok in my head. Doctors only can prescribe questionable chemical complexes and listen, and they by law can't tell me about themselves or their life experiences so they legally can't even help me on things I say.

I'm not so sure this is what you wanna hear but do offer as I think it is both helpful and important.

It is important to monitor your thoughts, the subconscious mind works in a way that it impregnates what you entertain. So let's say a situation has a postive and nevative manner to interpret the event, if you go a few times for negative, it then create this pattern of interpretation of the situation which will "invoke" a way to feel about the event. Once that's done, you gotta resist the pattern (or more like let go), disidentify with it and make it into something that you are not in your perception of it, set within yourself the correct and more truthful to yourself way to interpret and feel about the event. (time before sleep is really a double-edged sword about this, being somewhat still in the dark allows to mind to go to it's root where it's easier to work the subconscious)

That's basicly standard medition, but that is very very important. You are the center of your unwellness and to move to a different configuration you need to let go of the facets that identifies with this unwellness. You need to see that it is not you and that you are defined by these bounds and shackles.

I know this is very hard but I know so long as you make 2 steps in the right direction for every step in the wrong direction, you will get better. All I can try to offer is tips and perspectives that might help you maximize steps in the direction of healing along your path.

This is hard and a good step would be to stop blamming yourself, and if you can't well forgive that you can't, and if you can't forgive that then forgive that you couldn't forgive.. Instill the positive perspective where you can and allow it to grow evermore.

Your state was born of love and will resolve itself with love. Walk forth being of love and light.

[Glow]

Thanks everyone. Thanks for the video IndigoGeminiWolf, I liked it.
I feel a lot better and back to normal grounding now. It's hard to meditate, it can be a bad experience for me sometimes. My monkey mind feels under attack (There is a voice in my head telling me that I will shoot myself. That's its only message)  I do want to quit drugs, and get back out of this but I'm on a train and jumping out isn't a means of survival. I could do worse off drugs, I could do better. I could do worse on drugs, I could do better. I've been down a fragile path, and I don't know where anything is going, I feel like a loser. I feel like the end is always near and I'm going to be far away from this any second now... I want to live long and be wise but nothing is ok in my head. Doctors only can prescribe questionable chemical complexes and listen, and they by law can't tell me about themselves or their life experiences so they legally can't even help me on things I say.

Keep fighting for your healing you are worth it.
I think your thought process on the med situation is very balanced an sensible.

On that voice that says the shooting thing. Having recently experienced something simular I thought the advice I was given might also be useful for you.

i don't have thought that aren't in keeping with my personality so I assume I'm not hearing other people's thought in general, but about two months ago for a month I kept thinking about hanging myself. No reason, I'd be happy then suddenly this thought would come.

I suspected it wasn't my thought because hanging sounds horrible, even on the darkest day of my life I'd not be someone to hang, if i had to go I could pick something less horrible. Yet I felt deep preassure from this thought. It was bad enough I suggested we needed to move incase I was picking up something from a neighbor. I am super sensitive to energy so it's possible.

Anyways long storey short I got a phone call from a friend that someone he knew had hung themself, he mentioned that all month he had been having dreams about this person hanging himself, he even got the location correct. I said a prayer for the deceased and asked they cross over and find peace and healing.  The dreams and thought stopped because they were not ours.

I had never even met the man, didn't even know his name, had heard about him from my friend and I did think about this fellow frequently so I guess I'd formed a connection.

I spoke to a minister at a spiritual church via email and he told me it was telepathy and somehow we had energeticly been hearing this fellows thoughts. I was told that a way to deal with these thoughts if it occurs again was like Ra says "discipline of the mind". Meditation and bringing that discipline of the mind into life. Soooo I'm not sure that is any help at all but consider that shooting thought might not be yours. Had I known the hanging one wasn't me I'd have likely prayed that the source of this thought experience love and healing. No harm there. If it's your thought you are blessing yourself,    if it's someone else's you are turning that energy around and sending love back.

im not sure if any of that was helpful.    know I care. I'd like you freed from having to hear that. I only had my hitch hiker thought for a month and it was rough!!! You are clearly very strong.

I will pray for that voice if you do too. I will pray for it anyways. never give up.

[isis]

nic...shut up...my fingers aren't "unusually long"...

[Minyatur]

There's probably a ritualistic aspect to the pill too, from all the people that did this with an intent toward healing as their desired reality. So by desiring for the better you could potentially connect with others that had this desire while performing this same ritual within the planetary mind.

Doubts probably polarize the intake as one can feel about the pill.

[Nicholas]

nic...shut up...my fingers aren't "unusually long"...

That was intended as a compliment. My auntie had long fingers and was a very good pianist, hence why I made that reference. I guess that image does not accurately portray them, then.

[isis]

nic...shut up...my fingers aren't "unusually long"...

That was intended as a compliment. My auntie had long fingers and was a very good pianist, hence why I made that reference. I guess that image does not accurately portray them, then.

or maybe 'unusually long' is in the eye of the beholder?

i, too, am a pianist. you should hear how well i can play "mary had a little lamb"...not even joking. mastered that song.

[Bourbon Betty]

After you have an idea of what your society should be like you can take medicines under the supervision of a doctor to take you there. Or lacking an opinon of what is good one can take medicines to slow or speed one up so one stays at the same point in relation to the environment so that one can form an opinion of what is good. Without at least one of these conditions being fulfilled there is no benefit from most medicines, or so I've seen. Hard to know for sure though.

[Furry rabbit]

im_not_meI have bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and right now things are getting intense. Im always angry and pissed off at my two sisters and their kids i live with. I dont like it and i cant help it, i want to love them but i cant. I know im a good person its just something in the way.

Further one of my medications - seroquel causes extreme drowsiness and is sometimes used as a sleeping pill in low doses. But im prescribed it for my mentality, and i take obsurd high doses to mask my violent / psychotic tendencies. My family doesnt understand and refuses to do their own research and label me lazy for sleeping around ten hrs a day avg and being on disability. In fact, i just got physical with a sister because she said all i do is sleep all day and was outside my room, in living room talking about me negatively with her daughter. I was doing my best to ignore it but something took over and i started screaming nonsense about how i cant help it and whatnot at them and my sister tried punching me a few times because i was so angry and i pushed her really hard away and she fell down, but not badly. Now im sitting her verge of tears and dont know what to do. ..ive been suicidal for a long time and just want it now more than ever. I need my brother and sisters of sorrows help

[Furry rabbit]

Hi I am not me .
I am known as furry rabbit, on bring forth my husband who I think you know is nicholas he gave me the nick name ha . It was him who thought I could help,  as I'm the one with schizophrenia as well but I don't have bi polar, mine is labelled paranoid schizophrenia. I think it's sounds such a shame that you get so angry! That must feel really horrible, but maybe when you get angry ask yourself why? Then you might realise what the problem is , you could try to say to yourself stay calm and approach people with kindness , not judgementally. There are lots of people out there that care for you. If you get angry with your sisters you could try to apologise after,  or a calm down technique before raging. You Could sit and think all the anger is your own made up reality . I hope your sisters don't wind you up , I've got one and she could wind me up but I'm able to stay calm . I spend a lot of my life now listening to voices, the worst is that sometimes they are so annoying and won't go away when I ask then too,  so I have been very angry myself when they don't go after me telling them too (So frustrating), especially at night time. I'm sorry to hear what your going through, I hope maybe if we stayed in contact we could have helpful discussions . I'm lucky I think I'm very much recovered a lot since it first all started . I am lucky though I have a very devoted husband Nicholas, he's a bring forth member, as I've mentioned and he is very patient at times. Do you have any friends or anything to help out with a chat or understanding? Maybe you could just wait and be patient for some  thing good to come along, and start to realise what makes you angry and why , then once you've discovered that you could get a grip on your tantrums and start to reflect and want to attract good things into your life, instead of everything being wrong and upside down,  you need to turn your life around it will take time but if you want to be happy and back to normal you need to realise where it's going wrong . I've reflected back to my worst days and I'm having a great time at the moment I'm on an uphill climb as they say, but obviously dread that it could go wrong at any minute, my life could be taken from me and that's a fear because of the voices and what they say . But I love nick so that's what makes me happy and I do appreciate how lucky I am, and I am proud of being a good person x, maybe you could think about what you like about yourself and give yourself rewards to those bits of you, then the next bit will come that you like and that's how to get better, realise what you really like about yourself and think of the good bits in it, that could help a lot x x 

[dexter101]

hello
i know this thread is old but ive been on medication before and now am considering it again because ive gotten to a point where the anxiety is unbearable. i do hear voices and its horrible but ive learned to cope with it over the years and due to the fact that antipsychotic drugs are in a class of their own( they have horrible side effects) i think ill pass on them. you really have to do a cost to benefit analysis. for some people the antipsychotic are a real life saver for some it is overkill (like me) and others just need them once in their life for a couple of months if they have acute psychosis(lucky ones).

i really wonder about the metaphysical aspect of it. maybe there is some demon sucking the energy out of us but i really do wonder why positive beings would allow that. allegedly the higher self never allows something to happen that could overwhelm someone....and yet if we look at ourselves and the world.....
really makes you think about the whole spirituality thing. in my opinion for people like us we should just live life the best we can and not worry about spiritual things at all. it just makes it worse for me personally and ive observed that in others as well.

i forgot to mention. id strongly advise against meditation. yes it does strengthen the will and the focus but it also brings up past trauma. a lot of people are incapable of dealing with that. this is the reason why in some psyschiatric hospital meditation is actually forbidden. now a conspiracy theorist might say this is all by design "they wanna keep us down" but the current medical consensus is that meditation has a very strong effect on the psyche and the brain structure. it is well researched and for people who already have psychological problems it worsens their issues. i dont wanna go into all the detail and some foolish people might even go as far as to call that the "dark knight of the soul". just look up the "dark side of meditation". there are hundreds of studies involving thousands of people....
my advice is for anyone not psychologically healthy to abstain from meditation. there is a reason why shaolin monks are very few in numbers. just like not everyone is capable of enduring the extreme physical challenges it is the same with meditation.

consider it like weightlifting. you dont do deadlifting with a broken back do you? and certainly deadlifting wont fix your broken back even if you try lifting just 1kg you'll just make it worse.

[Diana]

Just a couple of thoughts:

I am wondering if trying to rewire and create new neural pathways in the brain would help. For example, if a person is mostly left-brained, then doing creative things such as painting may create new connections in the brain; and if a person is more right-brained, then doing things such as memorizing sequences or working with linear-type puzzles may help rewire and balance the brain.

Also, what about nootropics? Some mushroom or fungi-based supplements really do make a difference in clarity and brain functioning. It might be worth looking into.

[AnthroHeart]

You could look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). My therapist sometimes uses it to help rewire the brain.