OCD and letting the Universe do its thing

[Gribbons]

Last semester I made the decision to switch concentrations in my major so that I would qualify to study in London this semester. I was in acting, but I switched to theatre so I could still act but I work progress with other talents/passions, such as writing and directing. The other reason was so I could travel spend the semester with this girl I really like.

We had gotten to know each other only a little bit. I worked back stage for one of her musicals and she worked backstage for one of my plays. We really click together naturally, so much so that I want"ed" to marry this girl. I actually had it in the back of my mind to propose while we were overseas. While we were there, we got more comfortable around each other. She got to see what I was like in the classroom, not so nervous and all. Things were really looking good. They really were. But, it was one of those courting things where we were taking baby steps just to make sure. Me, having OCD, and already being sure that I wanted to be with this girl, I guess, got a bit frustrated that she wasn't on the same page/ not being as direct as I would have liked to have been with her. I got drunk one night to cope with the slow progress, blacked-out, and apparently started yelling in my flat at 1 in the morning. The GC's or Ra's as you might know them, came up and escorted me from the room. The next day, I was kicked out of the program. I am now back in the US, away from her. I never got to tell her how I truly feel.
Now, I learned from this experience. I'm not drinking anymore, and it truly opened my eyes to the necessity of having to be responsible, getting a job and occupying my time so nothing like that would happen again.

I guess the point of this post is that I fear I demonstrated that I can't make right decisions, and that I ruined anything we could have had because of it. I'm getting counseling and I've already met a few new good friends since I've been back. One of them being a girl whom I'm about to go have dinner with. But even though I'm most likely going to be spending a lot of my time with this girl I just met till I go back to school, the one I left in London is still in my mind. I know in my heart that she's the one. Even in London, we would 'coincidentally' meet/see each other in places outside of the study centre without any reservation of meeting each other. When one of my flat mates said, don't worry, I have a feeling you'll have better luck tomorrow, I woke up and went to the park, and she and her friend were there! So I talked to them for a minute and it was great. Whenever something good happened in a day with her, I saw her again, unexpectedly. I took it as proof that the universe was bringing us together.

But now I'm in the states, and for good reason, I trust. I know I'm here to get better, probably to develop an attitude/sense of responsibility that is more suited for her. But my problem is my worrying. When I'm alone, I think about her. What could have been. Will she read the letter I sent before I left confessing my feelings for her? Will she take it to heart? Will she tear it up without even reading? What if telling her in a letter how I feel was the wrong thing to do? Stupid worrying, because I can't do anything about it.

I'll see her next semester, but, what if she forgets the rapport we were building? Disregards it? Moves on? I feel, truly, that she is the one. But I could just be obsessed! And I know I could never force her into anything. It's just...anxiety in my heart. Knowing that if I were already a better person, we could be in class right now. Laughing and playing. Talking and learning. But I messed it up.

So I'm trying to forget. I'm trying to let the universe do its thing, 'cause if it's meant to be, then it'll work out, ya?

[Brittany]

I think you are projecting a lot here. If this girl is truly the one for you, then she will realize that everyone makes mistakes and value your relationship enough to make if work. If she blows you off, maybe she wasn't the right person for you to begin with. Worrying about something before it even happens never makes it happen any better. In fact, it usually keeps anything from happening to begin with. If you don't write that letter, I get the feeling you would regret it for the rest of your life.

I think it is wonderful that you've realized some of your behaviors are hindering your seeking and are making efforts to take on a healthier lifestyle. Just make sure you don't try to stomp out parts of yourself in the process. Even if you make mistakes, you are perfect. They are there so you can learn...all of you. I only say this because for many years I simply tried to ignore parts of myself that I found not up to par, denying that they even existed. They came back and bit me in the butt later.

BTW, I was diagnosed with OCD, too. The classic symptoms usually don't revolve around a fixation on one person due to a relationship. That's goes more into basic psychology. Some people display co-dependent behavior, relying on a single person to fill all their inner needs, but I don't think it counts as an unnatural fixation. Just about everyone obsesses about people they care about to some degree. Most OCD obsessions and compulsions have little to no relevance to everyday life (a constant fear that the house is going to catch on fire or lightning is going to strike your car). Thinking about a person you care about...that's a relevant issue in your life and it's what humans tend to do, so I don't think these feelings are just a side effect of a psychological condition. Just my opinion.

[Questioner]

Gribbons, I admire your honesty and courage in working on your personal growth.

Here are my own ideas. Please use your own discernment, work with the ideas you like and set aside the others.

Sounds like the switch of major will give you a more comprehensive understanding of all the activities, onstage and backstage, that help the show to go on.

A great producer or director would need to know at least a little bit about all of these areas. If the producer does not comprehend what can be done with sound equipment, they may dream up an impossible situation for the microphones and speakers so that nobody can actually hear the play without feedback. If the director does not know what it feels like to be an actor, their guidance about the characters will not be as strong.

Why not use this time in your life to become that strong and well-rounded in becoming a human being?

Discover the roots of the compulsions to drink, to obsess on one person, or to worry about things you can't change. Live your own life that is healthy, well balanced, happy and complete. Enjoy friendships and dating, but without any pressure to build relationships. After all, it is only fair if you ask someone to join you, you should be able to tell them where you are going! You don't really have a strong sense of that yet.

Become a person who does not require someone else to fill empty holes in your own being. Appreciate the infinite love of the Creator through the full range of human diversity. Be aware that God is not so stingy as to give you only one chance at sharing a life of love, then take it away from you. Choose a bigger faith than that. You can have any number of great friends. And there will be several people who could be wonderful partners for your life. But don't rely on them to build the missing ingredients that should come from your own spiritual growth. Become a confident, strong, mature, balanced person, and then an equal love will be available.

I also really like the advice to not try to develop a lifetime relationship before age 25, and before you are well established in the basics of your chosen career. Before then, life is changing too fast to build a stable foundation with another person.

[Biu_Tze]

I haven't yet read the other responses, because I have no time, I'm sure they mentioned this already buttttttttttttt:
What happened, happened for a reason, trust your heart, let your mind be at ease, take some good deep breaths, and you'll end up where you were always going, where you needed to be.