Looking at Despair

[Plenum]

I had a bit of a rough day yesterday.

I was dealing with the emotion of despair.  This wasn't despair in the present; life is actually going pretty good right now.  So it wasn't something that was happening 'now'.

No, the despair was something that I triggered in myself as I was still doing some clearance and balancing work on myself.

I did make a post a few days ago to the David Wilcock thread, and talking about my williingness or desire to latch onto Hope.

I think this happened because I was unwilling to acknowledge or experience the full nature of the Despair I was feeling at the time.  And I have felt Despair in my life previously; and always tried to numb it or push it out, rather than being fully overwhelmed by it.

Part of that was defensive, so I wouldn't be traumatised by the Despair; part of it was that I didn't have the confidence or the means of dealing with this particular emotion.  I can recall two sharp instances of it, where it was numbed.  One was at my aunt's funeral, at age 6 or 7.  The other was my first year out of high school where I struggled tremendously in adapting to an adult world.

The despair spoke to a sense of - 'this will never change.  I won't ever be able to change or understand this'.  But I didn't truly allow myself the full experience of that Despair.  It was too much and too threatening.

so quite often the solution to suppressed Despair is a sense of future Hope; or somehow it will be better in the future.  

That is not a real answer though.  It never solves the root problem of the suppressed experience of that Emotion.

No, the answer, as I have found it in the last day, is to allow oneself to fully experience the depth of that disruptive emotion.  It is not pleasant.  It is highly destablising.  It is highly threatening to one's conception of the self.  But I am very much more experienced in terms of being able to navigate it.  For others, a counsellor or a therapist may be needed to explore emotions that one finds too overwhelming to confront by oneself; sort of like a guide in an unfamiliar country to interpret and translate what is going on for you emotionally, so that you can comprehend the experience in a more healthy way.

The true antidote to despair is the experience of it, and then a re-countering with the aspect of true Joy.  Despair can be renegotiated into a bright radiance of Joy and expression.

[Reaper]

I've had some pretty powerful experiences during ritual magic, in which I evoked the pure essence of various emotional aspects. In one I swam through what I can only describe as absolute, complete terror, in another a level of despair that likely would have driven me to suicide had safeguards not been in place. Probably the most powerful was when I stared down my own self-hatred, which manifested as a huge, scrutinizing eye that glared at me, unblinking, without the slightest shred of mercy. Though none of these experiences were pleasant in themselves, there was a fascinating, even giddy element to magically facing them- a displacement from the mundane perspective that makes certain emotions seem unbearable. Though I was purposefully making myself vulnerable, I also felt incredibly powerful and in control of my experience. Shifting one's viewpoint in place of the actual experience can have a profound impact on how the experience is perceived.

[Bluebell]

there's a gigantic sea of horror inside me. i guess that's wut i constantly run from w the aid of alcohol & self sabotage. it's like if i don't have a f***** up scary life filled w jagged edges, caused by subconscious sabotage, the true horror would find me & i'd drown because it's too vast. it's too much to face alone but i am alone. there's no fixing it. wut's the point anyway? there's too much evil to accept that & stay sane.

[Splash]

Bluebell, is the 'true horror' past life aggregate? past experiences in this life? horror undefined located within you..?

true horror (as it's in embodiment within 'existence')?

[Bluebell]

i don't know. but does it matter? there's always more to fear. whenever i've conquered one fear another appears to take its place. look at Maldek, Mars, Earth... look at God letting evil happen for curiosity's sake. is that not horror enough? it makes then sense to lose respect for rules, sanity & propriety. God itself has none.

[Splash]

what do you think of the idea:


"There's nothing to fear, except fear itself"

[Bluebell]

if it's true then only fear can take ur power.

[Splash]

yep

[Bluebell]

but is it true?

[Splash]

in my experience this is completely how it 'works'...

[Bluebell]

but u haven't experienced all

[Splash]

maybe not.. (though if I'm a (holographic) part of the ALL... then maybe I have...)

I've experienced fear so intense I could hardly breathe, and I felt I couldn't stay alive a second longer...

[Bluebell]

me too, but lets say u took a betablocker... if wut u feared would happen but u weren't afraid... wouldn't it still hurt u?

[ScottK]

The despair spoke to a sense of - 'this will never change.  I won't ever be able to change or understand this'.  But I didn't truly allow myself the full experience of that Despair.  It was too much and too threatening.

so quite often the solution to suppressed Despair is a sense of future Hope; or somehow it will be better in the future.  

That is not a real answer though.  It never solves the root problem of the suppressed experience of that Emotion.

I'm always fascinated by the use of the word "never" - and in this case, with respect to the shift or Wilcock.  In this context, it's a highly emotional word that speaks of great frustration.

Change is really going on all around you now, and it's massive change.  But the things you don't prefer about the world are now very much "in your face", so many (especially those who have awakened) feel a much greater urgency to see swifter and swifter change.  However, the change that is going on is not going on collectively at that faster speed you desire.  But the deception against mankind is consistently being flushed out and the veil is being lifted - and the darkside can't exist without deception! 

Wilcock has merely relayed what he has been told.  He relays what someone's plans are - probably someone pretty high level.  But if mankind isn't ready collectively, or if something goes wrong, it isn't gonna happen.  The other thing is that the disinformation plan of the elite has been to create this seemingly never ending cycle of hope-despair-hope-despair to wear you down.  The purpose of this being that when the takedown of the financial system occurs, the good people who will need to show the way for the rest will be so beaten down that they don't care anymore.  The darkside would then capitalize on the void by offering a brand new deception..

When you look back at the world 10 years from now, you probably won't recognize the place, but 1 month from now, it'll probably look pretty much the same.  Patience is a most difficult thing to learn and accept.

Using the catalyst you receive on a day-to-day basis is obviously a really good idea.  But to give up hope on a better outside world - I will "never" go there.

[Bluebell]

David really has no immediate patience. he gets seduced by easy solutions. this wouldn't be a big deal if he didn't have such a huge flock of lambs following his example.

[Splash]

me too, but lets say u took a betablocker... if wut u feared would happen but u weren't afraid... wouldn't it still hurt u?

had to google betablockers

I guess the answer is no wouldn't psychologically hurt you but if there was physical trauma you'd feel it unless you took painkillers

but a psychiatrist or psychologist would know more clearly (if they were a good one)...

I try to remove as much anxiety causing potentialities in my surroundings and my life, but also.. facing your fear (not being forced to by others.. but by gently slowly trying it by yourself) is also away to challenge them...

also some cautiousness and stress is healthy...
it's the whole balance "middle way" approach... avoiding extremes of sensation... and extreme emotions

[Bluebell]

to me psychological pain is worse. physical pain hurts but it's not damaging like psychological pain.

[Splash]

one time during a long stretch of clinical depression and a nervous breakdown.. I was attacked at a concert by skinheads.. I was so numb that the attack though awful actually helped me feel more 'alive'... because it was the outside physical world making a direct physical effect on me... the injuries were something I could actually feel

[Splash]

so I guess I'm saying it can go both ways... that's why we 'disassociate'.. to stop the psychological pain.. we become emotionally numb.. - it's a (temporary) protection ... that's part of what fainting is (for example)

[Diana]

there's a gigantic sea of horror inside me. i guess that's wut i constantly run from w the aid of alcohol & self sabotage. it's like if i don't have a f***** up scary life filled w jagged edges, caused by subconscious sabotage, the true horror would find me & i'd drown because it's too vast. it's too much to face alone but i am alone. there's no fixing it. wut's the point anyway? there's too much evil to accept that & stay sane.

I understand what you are describing and my heart goes out to you.

[Bluebell]

thanks Diana. do u have a black hole of horror inside u too?

[Diana]

so quite often the solution to suppressed Despair is a sense of future Hope; or somehow it will be better in the future.  

That is not a real answer though.  It never solves the root problem of the suppressed experience of that Emotion.

No, the answer, as I have found it in the last day, is to allow oneself to fully experience the depth of that disruptive emotion.  It is not pleasant.  It is highly destablising.  It is highly threatening to one's conception of the self.  But I am very much more experienced in terms of being able to navigate it. 

This is very wise Plenum. A phantom future is like a Band-Aid on despair. The despair remains, though frosted over with hope for a while. There is no magic bullet as you say, the despair must be validated and experienced without suppression, or it is suppressed and will surface again. Anger is the same. The only healthy way to deal with these things is to actually deal with them with an open heart. That said, there is nothing easy about it. I continue to work on some of my really old stuff from childhood.

[Diana]

thanks Diana. do u have a black hole of horror inside u too?

I have the feeling of a black hole. I have met my 6-yr-old self in a dream years ago, sleeping under the house I grew up in, in a pristine room, and I was lead there by some spirit guide who dug it out. I asked her to come with me but she said she didn't want to wake up. I knew there was a room beyond with my 13-yr-old self. 

So yeah, there are some black holes in my childhood that I can't seem to emerge from yet. Little by little though, thin layers seem to get peeled away. 

[APeacefulWarrior]

The big problem with plumbing the depths of a dark emotion is that it's easy to get trapped in its depths. Despair can be a vile, tentacled thing, able to grab on and not let go. It can also easily lead to nihilism and solipsism, and the combination of those create a mental trap that few ever seem to break out of.

My own solution when I get into darker moods is usually to look for something -anything- I can improve a bit. Random acts of creation or improvement help remind me not of a phantom hoped-for future, but of my own ability to make things better... even just a little. That simple "magic" of being able to take what's around us and recombine it into new forms is the very essence of hope, because without changeability, hope would be meaningless. And that power to (re)create the world is within all of us.

So I find that exercising that power of change, even in small ways, can be a good ward for preventing negativity from getting grabby.

[Diana]

The big problem with plumbing the depths of a dark emotion is that it's easy to get trapped in its depths.  Despair can be a vile, tentacled thing, able to grab on and not let go.  It can also easily lead to nihilism and solipsism, and the combination of those create a mental trap that few ever seem to break out of.

My own solution when I get into darker moods is usually to look for something -anything- I can improve a bit.  Random acts of creation or improvement help remind me not of a phantom hoped-for future, but of my own ability to make things better... even just a little.  That simple "magic" of being able to take what's around us and recombine it into new forms is the very essence of hope, because without changeability, hope would be meaningless.   And that power to (re)create the world is within all of us.

So I find that exercising that power of change, even in small ways, can be a good ward for preventing negativity from getting grabby.

Yes, I agree with what you say and this is an effective solution I use. There is a difference between embracing and validating your triggers and feelings, and allowing yourself to spiral down where every horrible thing in the world chimes to add to the burden of despair. But there is also a line between accepting and expressing your feelings and doing something positive for change, and avoiding acceptance by shifting focus to something else and leaving those feelings unexpressed.

[anagogy]

I think that with emotions, such as despair and anger, we have to come to an understanding of why they are arising in the first place.  Certainly, we should not ignore our emotions anymore than we should ignore a gas gauge on a car when it reads empty.  Ignoring such an indicator would be counter productive.  But, in my humble opinion, just observing them fully is also not enough either.  There is salient spiritual work to be done in this situation.

From my perspective, an emotion, whether it be positive or negative, arises in response to something we are focusing on, or even *how* we are focusing on it.  It may be a negative experience, it may be an interpretation or judgment we had about how we acted in a particular situation, or it could just be the primal grief at the perception that a friend/family member/lover passing away and we have fallen prey to the illusion that they are gone forever.  Basically, a thought has caught the focal point of our consciousness and is distorting that pure light into what we translate as spiritual or emotional pain.

We have to find these thoughts, become aware of these negative interpretations of the universe at large, and *challenge* them, and exalt them to a more positive place of interpretation.  Once the new perspective as been properly established, the old negative emotional reaction will not arise, and we will experience a more balanced emotional state.

Emotions are the compass by which we chart our spiritual path to the One.  Truly they are one of the most powerful tools we have at our disposal for balancing our consciousness.  I have been in the pits of despair, and I have found my way out of it. I know how the universe looks from that place of observation, and it is not an easy path to walk.

[AnthroHeart]

My heart is trembling and I've become rather scared of life. The catalyst is hard to deal with. Even when I'm alone and nothing's going on I have a strong nervous energy.

[Splash]

“Everyone creates realities based on their own personal beliefs. These beliefs are so powerful that they can create [expansive or entrapping] realities over and over." ~ Kuan Yin

[Bluebell]

thanks Diana. do u have a black hole of horror inside u too?

I have the feeling of a black hole. I have met my 6-yr-old self in a dream years ago, sleeping under the house I grew up in, in a pristine room, and I was lead there by some spirit guide who dug it out. I asked her to come with me but she said she didn't want to wake up. I knew there was a room beyond with my 13-yr-old self. 

So yeah, there are some black holes in my childhood that I can't seem to emerge from yet. Little by little though, thin layers seem to get peeled away. 

fascinating. maybe ur a phantom future of this 6 yo... where she is, u evaporated when she woke up.

[VanAlioSaldo]

me too, but lets say u took a betablocker... if wut u feared would happen but u weren't afraid... wouldn't it still hurt u?

Try to answer your own questions with depth rather than upfront honesty.  Honestly, this world can beat you down.  Honestly, there is horror even I flinch at...  And honestly, there is Madness.

If you want to look at the face value of everything happening right here and now, you'll see a lot of things that don't actually make sense.  It's a trap in my opinion, one that I like to call the In-Plain Sight Issue.  Unless you look for something, it's hidden in plain sight.  I work at a gas station that has a microwave along one of its aisles at about 3 feet off the ground.  Most people just assume we don't have a microwave, when they ask I tell them where it is.  Blows their minds, it's within view within 40% of the store.  I know where it is, I know my store has a raised roof, and that the outer brick wall also makes the edge of the glass window.  A coworker who's been there for 15 years, never knew the ceiling was raised.  She never looked up, never looked further than the face value of the store.  For 15 years.  I mentioned it one day, blew her mind, she told my GM who also didn't notice it for the several years he'd been there.  I worked there less than a year and noticed all of these little things, because I looked.

So please, I don't think you, or anyone, deserves to suffer to such an extent as to make their own life hell.  You should tell me the answer to your own question, if what I feared did happen, but I wasn't afraid, could it still hurt me?

Personally, that's not a fair question to me.  Of course it can possibly hurt me, I could have a brain aneurysm without warning, yet I'm not scared of it, but it could very much so kill me.  I could walk outside right now and walk into dog crap and would it hurt me?  No, maybe my feelings.  Maybe I'd hurt myself more with how big of a deal I make out of it...I have done that before actually.

ACTUALLY, around last week I too was dealing with some very serious and severe negative emotions, Despair, Frustration, Hatred, Malice, Sadness, and Anxiety, I call it the Horror-core because I literally can feel pain when they're occurring in my chest at the green ray chakra.  I almost actually committed suicide over just trying to figure out why I was suddenly feeling all of this.  Like the OP actually said, it's almost like I was becoming lost in my own emotions as I tried to balance them.  A torrential current of incredible depth of just Despair alone almost made me do it.  Following suit with frustration, then hatred (tip: don't talk to certain people when you feel this...), then malice (tippitytip: REALLY don't talk to certain people when you feel this!) following suit with sadness.  I haven't actually fully gotten through anxiety though.  Where despair literally had me on the edge of a knife, Anxiety stopped me completely in my tracks.  Slowly moving towards terror, I just decided to forgive it all instead of fully understanding it.  That level of anxiety causes panic attacks in me.  I don't get those, never have until last week dealing with that one emotion attached to a 5 year old self.  I almost preferred Despair over Anxiety, it's not that the pain is different or more bearable, it's that with Despair I can still think and rationalize.  When the anxiety kicked in, it's like the Mind literally freezes up, and it's not easy thinking with a frozen mind.

I think the most important aspect of it all though was putting it into perspective about where it all came from.  Those emotions that were buried for 17 years resurfaced at my own call, and despite barely being ready for it, I got some help from a helpful guy named Garry (plenum healer ad on lawofone.info) who offered me some very helpful services in accepting the experiences and desiring for them to continue, who gave me answers that gave me the questions to find my answers.

When I'm in despair now, and I have been recently, I return to that furious and terrified and horribly depressed 5 year old.  I stand next to him and apologize for not being able to do more.  The fact that alone calms me down tells me I'm not too far from finally looking at that mirror and forgiving myself for not only bringing forth these very turbulent emotions at a very bad time, but also forgiving him and loving him for making it possible at all to experience any of this.  Forgiving myself for being powerless and useless at a time when I could have used it.  I offer mercy to myself basically, stop judging myself and start looking for a better Way!

That was really all I was trying to ever tell myself, look back, discover why, and forgive.  Feeling it all in the present can really be a rough experience.  However, I find that we can always look elsewhere when we find ourselves feeling trapped, stuck, or like we're losing it!  Except in despair it took me a few times...
Recalling Ra's balancing guide, Session 10 Query 14

Exercise One. This is the most nearly centered and usable within your illusion complex. The moment contains love. That is the lesson/goal of this illusion or density.
The exercise is to consciously seek that love in awareness and understanding distortions. The first attempt is the cornerstone. Upon this choosing rests the remainder of the life-experience of an entity. The second seeking of love within the moment begins the addition. The third seeking powers the second, the fourth powering or doubling the third. As with the previous type of empowerment, there will be some loss of power due to flaws within the seeking in the distortion of insincerity. However, the conscious statement of self to self of the desire to seek love is so central an act of will that, as before, the loss of power due to this friction is inconsequential.
Exercise Two. The universe is one being. When a mind/body/spirit complex views another mind/body/spirit complex, see the Creator. This is an helpful exercise.
Exercise Three. Gaze within a mirror. See the Creator.
Exercise Four. Gaze at the creation which lies about the mind/body/spirit complex of each entity. See the Creator.

The foundation or prerequisite of these exercises is a predilection towards what may be called meditation, contemplation, or prayer. With this attitude, these exercises can be processed. Without it, the data will not sink down into the roots of the tree of mind, thus enabling and ennobling the body and touching the spirit.

Then they also made a remark (which I'm having trouble finding) regarding how the nature of balancing these emotions can be handled.  You allow the emotion to come forth, they used the word revving I believe, rev up the emotion that caused the blockage from an Open Heart to occur, let that emotion flow over you, then let it ebb away on its own, and it should if you aren't actively fueling the emotion with your mental activity (not stopping thinking about something that angers you) then from there you balance it with the opposite positive emotion by invoking that to put the opposite end in perspective.  (Actually I think it might have been Carla from her book Living the Law of One who used the word Revving, I'm drawing a big blank right now!)

Emotions are Energy in Motion (E-Motion)...The point here is emotions are--to me at least--also my responsibility to handle appropriately.  I need to find a way to look at myself, understand I feel these things for a reason, a clear and concise reason to aid me in spiritually evolving.  They're not fun or pretty, but they're still existent, still in Being.

And for that I love those negative emotions that drive me into the ground.  They might hurt me, but ultimately I am still Learning, Loving, and Being even as I feel detached, broken, and destroyed.  It's your perspective that creates your view of reality more than anything else at this very moment.  What's his name...Jobe?  The guy who God and Satan made a deal over to test his faith.  He should have been utterly, absolutely miserable by the time the two of them were done ruining his life to prove a point.  Jobe took it all with a perspective of faith.  He went through hell but maintained a bit of positivity (even as the extremes began, like his family dying, his livestock dying, losing his everything, almost dying...) and in return God rewarded him by giving him back everything he used to have and more (semantics, the story leaves room for much negative interpretation against God, I'm providing my own here).

I think the story tries to tell us that we should have faith in those moments where we absolutely question it (never thought I'd say that).  In the times of despair, seek Love in the moment.  Say it.  Whatever you need to do to get your Complex to begin searching for that Love, holding that Faith and Belief in that Love, even as it apparently slips away and abandons you completely and utterly without remorse or mercy, hold on to it.

The Creation is Love.  We suffer now, but to learn.  How much longer?  Is it really too long against the prospect of infinity?  Is the negativity really wrong, or do we just understand it as wrong?  All is As it Should Be.

I don't think anyone should be completely isolated when dealing with emotions like this.  Although I don't really feel like I have anyone close enough to reveal such personal feelings to, just not being the only one holding it all in is enough.

I imagine I'm not alone in feeling, that sometimes I want to just go away to another place and leave Earth far behind.  I imagine I'm also not alone in feeling, that I can't abandon my home.

...And I apologize for the lengthy post.  I always seem to have a lot to say.