When I read the three things that L/L wants to tell you if you think you are a wanderer I began to cry, and I don't cry often. I'm not used to telling people the truth about what I experience, how I feel, and my past. I tell them a learned response because I know from experience the confused look on someone's face when they encounter a foreigner ... a wanderer. I started life out in a family that wasn't mine, in a place I didn't belong, and I didn't know where I was or how to get home. I did belong because I chose it, but you know what I mean I hope. I knew this at a young age. I have memories from 6 months old and I remember being pretty clear about things as early as 2 years old. By the age of 3, I was a happy and easy child, but a little dismayed by how bleak things were. I wasn't depressed, just not home. I've always felt that I had accomplishments that I couldn't quite access ... I learned things easily and quickly, so it took a long time for me to learn to apply myself. I didn't fit in at church or school, although people seem to like me well enough. Church is fine, but religion is not for me personally. I didn't get the social hierarchy or have the same interests and I didn't believe what they were telling me in church - at least not all of it. I've always had a feeling that something major was going to happen and that I needed to be here to help everyone through it - I've had that feeling since I was about 7 years old. I have no family now so I'm just waiting for whatever comes next. I have friends, some who are wanderers also, although we are far apart and can't see one other often.
My parents were ill and I pretty much raised myself. Consequently, I had to learn everything on my own, sometimes the hard way and sometimes just my way. Everything seemed a little odd to me and I wasn't a materialistic child or adult. I have a strong connection to nature and some people think I'm a little eccentric by the things I'm excited about - like finding a wild bee colony that is healthy. I'm tired of physical life - cook, shop, eat, sleep, work, although I like celebration, good food and a nice glass of wine, the daily grind is old and has always been challenging for me. I was and am definitely on the Hero's Journey. I'm trying to figure out what comes next where my home is, if it is even here in this time and space. I feel like a fractured Earthling with no tribe, no elders, no community because I have so much mixed blood. I do feel better reading that I don't have to do anything but be here. I still feel I need to do something, but I haven't found the right thing. I haven't found the confidence to be a public mystic. So, I'm concentrating on making herbals and healing energy garments/art-to-wear and hopefully going from a professional consulting business to a artist/counselor will be more satisfying. I moved to the woods where it's quiet, dark, and I can see the stars without light pollution. I like people, but my neighbors aren't just across the driveway and I don't have to pretend to want to do all the things they like and do or pretend to want to be glued to my TV to catch the new or the latest episode of Survivor ... friends have learned to tell me when something happens, but I've missed the obsessive fear of it all and that is fine with me.
When I met my psychic/therapist (he's both) he told me I had attachments and when he spoke with them and showed me how to keep myself clear he replied to their query "Yes, she is a light, but she is not 'the light". I had a dream 30 years ago that is still sooo vivid "You are the keeper of the light." I have flying dreams, see pranic energy, I've seen elementals in their natural state (a window opened and they showed me air sylphs because I asked them to, and was I surprised it lasted about 10 minutes and I was wide awake). I've received messages through birds ... I had a 3 year relationship with a mockingbird after my husband died and finally when I understood and accepted the message, it left for a week and then came back one morning to confirm the validity of my understanding. Among other things, it was time to move on with my life - after losing both parents and my husband. The economic downturn and my business wer next. Try telling a mockingbird story to the neighbors. LOL
I am lonesome sometimes and always have been. I don't think I've ever been truly loved, and I"m not saying that for pity, but it is what it is. When people are distracted with their own crisis, they aren't fully present and that was the case with my parents as with my husband. I had a long version of this post, but I deleted most of it. It doesn't matter anyway and whatever I've experienced, I weathered it, and it is what it was - I'm weary of it anyway. Everyone has a story, right? I may be a little cynical, or maybe just cautious of love these days. Everyone says it, but what do they actually mean by it? I haven't had the extraordinary experiences that I would like to have, but it's not over yet ... other people have, so maybe I will too. My worst fear is that nothing will happen or I won't have made a difference for being here. I'm tired and I've learned I'm not the inexhaustible resource I always thought I was. I've recharged somewhat, but I'm looking for a home where I can do my thing and live peacefully ... aren't most of us? I just have to figure out how.
~K
My parents were ill and I pretty much raised myself. Consequently, I had to learn everything on my own, sometimes the hard way and sometimes just my way. Everything seemed a little odd to me and I wasn't a materialistic child or adult. I have a strong connection to nature and some people think I'm a little eccentric by the things I'm excited about - like finding a wild bee colony that is healthy. I'm tired of physical life - cook, shop, eat, sleep, work, although I like celebration, good food and a nice glass of wine, the daily grind is old and has always been challenging for me. I was and am definitely on the Hero's Journey. I'm trying to figure out what comes next where my home is, if it is even here in this time and space. I feel like a fractured Earthling with no tribe, no elders, no community because I have so much mixed blood. I do feel better reading that I don't have to do anything but be here. I still feel I need to do something, but I haven't found the right thing. I haven't found the confidence to be a public mystic. So, I'm concentrating on making herbals and healing energy garments/art-to-wear and hopefully going from a professional consulting business to a artist/counselor will be more satisfying. I moved to the woods where it's quiet, dark, and I can see the stars without light pollution. I like people, but my neighbors aren't just across the driveway and I don't have to pretend to want to do all the things they like and do or pretend to want to be glued to my TV to catch the new or the latest episode of Survivor ... friends have learned to tell me when something happens, but I've missed the obsessive fear of it all and that is fine with me.
When I met my psychic/therapist (he's both) he told me I had attachments and when he spoke with them and showed me how to keep myself clear he replied to their query "Yes, she is a light, but she is not 'the light". I had a dream 30 years ago that is still sooo vivid "You are the keeper of the light." I have flying dreams, see pranic energy, I've seen elementals in their natural state (a window opened and they showed me air sylphs because I asked them to, and was I surprised it lasted about 10 minutes and I was wide awake). I've received messages through birds ... I had a 3 year relationship with a mockingbird after my husband died and finally when I understood and accepted the message, it left for a week and then came back one morning to confirm the validity of my understanding. Among other things, it was time to move on with my life - after losing both parents and my husband. The economic downturn and my business wer next. Try telling a mockingbird story to the neighbors. LOL
I am lonesome sometimes and always have been. I don't think I've ever been truly loved, and I"m not saying that for pity, but it is what it is. When people are distracted with their own crisis, they aren't fully present and that was the case with my parents as with my husband. I had a long version of this post, but I deleted most of it. It doesn't matter anyway and whatever I've experienced, I weathered it, and it is what it was - I'm weary of it anyway. Everyone has a story, right? I may be a little cynical, or maybe just cautious of love these days. Everyone says it, but what do they actually mean by it? I haven't had the extraordinary experiences that I would like to have, but it's not over yet ... other people have, so maybe I will too. My worst fear is that nothing will happen or I won't have made a difference for being here. I'm tired and I've learned I'm not the inexhaustible resource I always thought I was. I've recharged somewhat, but I'm looking for a home where I can do my thing and live peacefully ... aren't most of us? I just have to figure out how.
~K