Hiding From The Self

[Brittany]

So many people talk about about wanting to know "the truth". There are few who consciously want to live in delusion, and just as few aware of the delusions they subconsciously keep. I at least partially believe that it is impossible to hold a 3D existence without maintaining some form of personal delusion. Personal mythology is just a part of the program.

However, I had a startling revelation today. My tendency to create magical personalities as coping mechanisms for everyday crap I just don't want to deal with has been apparent to me in varying degrees for some time now. At some point I'll notice when a delusion/thought form has formed, take responsibility for it, and dissolve it, learn from the lesson and move on. The thing that freaked me out was my sudden inability to do this any longer.

I realized the delusion as I was creating it, and it crumbled to dust before it could be fully formed. Then I looked around and a lifetime's worth of pedestals, egoic projections and assumed personalities also crumbled. For the first time that I can remember, I was staring at myself with no strings attached. I've hit a point where that coping mechanism isn't effective anymore, and therefore just nonviable.

I suppose this could result in the creation of stronger, more complex delusions in the future, but my thoughts in the moment were those of being caught, unable to flee myself, to place the blame on outside entities or past life shenanigans...I have finally caught myself. There was the instantaneous realization of "This is MY dirty laundry." And then there was nothing to do but start up the washing machine.

The rock bottom lightning flash was in realizing that my shadow self is not some scary STS demon overlord. It's a miserable, apathetic, misanthropic, bitter woman who is tired of living. I've invested a huge amount of effort into not seeing that part of myself, and now there is nowhere left to hide it. All I can do it face it and begin the work that should have been done ages ago.

The "truth" is likely to make you fall before it lifts you up. Knowing it isn't a sudden ascension to godhood. It is realizing how far you have yet have to climb.

[Plenum]

good stuff Brittany,

after a point, you come to realize that every understanding is a self-understanding, and that there is nothing external to the self.

[zenmaster]

If you have not actualized self this "realization" of "nothing external" is just a potential attitude supported by an intuition which is circumstantually mustered and applied as a matter of convenience.

[Plenum]

yeah, the 'nothing external' part is a reference to those things which attracts one's attention.

[zenmaster]

"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child, joining B4th forums to indulge and to reinforce pathological fantasy escapism. But when I grew up, I put away childish things."

[AnthroHeart]

My delusions I have faced, the delusions of grandeur, are only my self.
Everything external is actually within.

I one time saw directly into my subconscious by way of a television that was turned off.
On it, I saw a picture of a man in a phonebooth, with two women outside trying to get in.
There was no sound.
And two tall buildings on the sides numbered 0 and 1.

That was fascinating seeing into my subconscious.
Another time I saw into it was a vision of flying over some mountains, and feeling exhilirated.

[BrownEye]

My view of delusion as reality - we are just dirt. If you think about every single device or thing you have ever seen or used, buildings, autos, other people, all came out of the dirt.

Except maybe water.

Pretty darn cool sandbox!

[Fastidious Emanations]

Ever looked around and laughed at how all the objects were made as devices of learning?
All the material garbage we heap up are ways of becoming enlightened lol.

[GentleReckoning]

Brittney, I'm just going to vent in your thread, hope you don't mind.

I've been worn out for the past year. Before that, I had been repressing just about all my major lessons. I'm not depressed. I'm not angry. I'm just SOOOOOO tired. Once or twice a week, I go through a cycle where I sink down and release, feel great, and then (what feels like way too soon, usually a couple hours, the next day if I'm lucky) move on to the next lesson.

And the crazy thing is, I'm honestly overall doing better each time I go through this cycle. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm constantly trying as hard as I can to choose love, and I'm completely exhausted.

And at the bottom of it all, I know that I'm the one that is pushing myself this hard. That I could just relax and let things flow to me, but instead I'm constantly looking for the opportunity where I change my life in an instant.

[Sagittarius]

Brittney, I'm just going to vent in your thread, hope you don't mind.

I've been worn out for the past year. Before that, I had been repressing just about all my major lessons. I'm not depressed. I'm not angry. I'm just SOOOOOO tired. Once or twice a week, I go through a cycle where I sink down and release, feel great, and then (what feels like way too soon, usually a couple hours, the next day if I'm lucky) move on to the next lesson.

And the crazy thing is, I'm honestly overall doing better each time I go through this cycle. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm constantly trying as hard as I can to choose love, and I'm completely exhausted.

And at the bottom of it all, I know that I'm the one that is pushing myself this hard. That I could just relax and let things flow to me, but instead I'm constantly looking for the opportunity where I change my life in an instant.

Every opportunity is one you can change in an instant. Gotta move your feet before you move your hands. Keep or kill it's your choice. Remembering you keep what you kill of-course .

[Marc]

Brittany, I share your view in this thread. Sometimes we need to deal with some very obvious psychological issues instead of projecting magical abilities around ourselves. It's a part of maturing to put away the toys of magical thinking and face the big scary shadow.

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Also, IMO, personal mythology is very necessary, as long as its literal veritability is not a matter of concern, just a focus on 'how does that story apply/effect me now.'

[Karl]

Good read.

[zenmaster]

The "truth" is likely to make you fall before it lifts you up. Knowing it isn't a sudden ascension to godhood. It is realizing how far you have yet have to climb.

Ultimately in that acceptance is granted more freedom and choice which is somewhat, ironically, "magical". As Ra said, "It is not for a being of polarity in the physical consciousness to pick and choose among attributes, thus building the roles that cause blockages and confusions in the already-distorted mind complex." Cause that's what identity without honesty tends to do.