So! Here we are, My first thread covered this topic to an extent, but as suggested by another poster and agreed upon by me, I think this would be a good topic of it's own!
So without further ado.. let's see what we can uncover here!
I feel that just sharing and bringing this stuff to light is a great act of cleansing.
As most males in our culture, ( I assume anyways?) my introduction to porn must have been around the age of 12 or 13. Before this I had had sexual experiences of a much more innocent nature, so I feel, kissing my ex gf at a roller-rink for hours at a time and what not, anyways...
It must have taken me a few attempts to masturbating to finally achieve orgasm, sad to say my first time was indeed while focusing on pornography, I believe I was in my parents room, due to them having cable. I don't think It became "slightly" out of control until when I was about 14-15ish, I recall masturbating in class rooms, full of students, while focusing on girls. In the bathrooms, still focusing on girls. At home I would stay up all night to record porn from off cable t.v. for later use, and to share with friends. I actually had someone leave a copy of something a bit more hardcore, the first time I actually saw a vagina and penis, as well as anal sex being presented.
At first I found such things rather gross, but soon enough, that became quite interesting to me, for some reason things which initially grossed me out, soon became my topic of most interest. I visited some online sites when I was 13 or so, I think it wasn't until around the age of 15 I found actual video clips online, and started downloading random stuff off of kazaa, ( for those of you who don't know.. it's like napster.. or itunes, except it was free, and had software, videos, audio, online books, ect ect) anyways, they would name files things that they really weren't and I soon came across some.. very strange things, the pattern continued, I was initially disgusted by that which I found, but soon developed a taste for such things. Among these things, was beastiality, which for a good 3-4 years I would from time to time have an urge to view again. I also found some pedophilia, while I was around the same age as these girls when I did in fact find it, and there was no intercourse going on, I don't feel too guilty about it, aside from unknowingly supporting it, I didn't have many girlfriends from the ages of 13-16, in fact I had none. So seeing naked girls my own age was something I liked a lot.
When I was 16 I began dating a girl, and within a week we had had sex, and I had lost my virginity. We had a lotttt of sex, 3-4 times a day, for months, while definitely forming some somewhat unhealthy habbits, and sadly I enacted that which I saw on pornos, mainly thinking "the harder and faster I go the better" She seemed to like it, and would even compliment me for doing as such. We spent almost every day and night together, (she would spent the night everyday for months) after about 6 months of going out, my dad died, he was my for lack of a better word "soulmate" we could read each others minds, we had the exact same energy, we were one. anyways, this devastated me beyond what words can explain, I still struggle with the emotional damage it caused, I smoked a lot of marijuana in these days, as a coping mechanism, and even became quite addicted to it, contrary to popular belief I believe that it's possible.
She had come from a hard background, she lived on the street for a few years, had been doing meth since 14, and soon I started stealing pot from my mom, which doesn't quite belong in this thread, but it does pertain to the story seeing as how pot + sex = a new formed addiction during this time. This went on for a good year or so, before she couldn't handle our lifestyle any more, I was VERY depressed, when we first met, I was full of love and light, and helped her view life in a different way as she did me, but that had been lost, she was no longer enjoying the sex we had, it was pretty much all about me, and as I was the only one doing the "work" I felt that to be fair more or less, not to mention I had no idea what else could be done, making love to me didn't quite make sense. Altho we did share such an experience once. So I felt anyways. Anyways, my porn addiction continued during our relationship, and spun out of control once we broke up, I would masturbate typically 10 times a day, sorry to get graphic here, but my penis would almost always be COVERED in scabs from over use for a good year or two.
I think I'm mixing up dates now that I think harder about it, This was more towards the 14-16 age period, when I was about 18 I went to california, and read the yaqui way of knowledge, which began my transformation. My sexual habbits persisted once I got back home, roughly 2 months later. Eventually I decided I wanted to save my sexual energy for dreaming, which was after we broke up. It was a real struggle, by this point I was absolutely addicted to porn. I could last a week or two, sometimes a month, once I even went about 4-6 months. I couldn't smoke pot during this time, which was a great asset to me being able to quit, I had ingested a poisonous extraction of Hawaiian baby woodrose seeds, which contain LSA, closely related to LSD, also found in morning glory seeds, anyways, I had severe palpitations, which I struggled through, I didn't go to a doctor or er for 3 days, but it never went away, so I couldn't bear the stress any more.
For the next 6-12 months I would try to smoke pot and have horrible anxiety attacks, heart beat rising to 180 bpm, my legs would twitch uncontrollably, I would shiver uncontrollably, while my skin felt afire. Anywayssss, Eventually I fell back into a negative loop, or more negative loop, I was sober for about 7 months without trying to do anything, focusing on the carlos castaneda books as my refuge. Than I'd relapse, start masturbating wayyy too much, and smoking small bits of pot, which always lead to my relapse with porn. For the last 16 months or so I can smoke pot without getting too uncomfortable, it helps to open my heart sometimes, others it just makes me crazy or uncomfortable or both. anyways, back to the sexual/pornography addiction! Sorry about how I trail off so easily, lol
The past two years I would focus on some pretty "bad stuff" fake rape fetish crap, girls which look quite young, but aren't, watched some youtube videos of teenage girls dancing about, gangbangs, double anal, you name it, the more f*ck*d up it was, the more I got into it for some reason. Half the time I felt guilty and detached , half the time I was VERY detached, with no sense of guilt I could discern, my guilt came from my desire to be pure and to keep my sexual energy for spiritual pursuits.
And the fact that I felt bad for the women I would masturbate to, what a sick form of corruption. It broke my heart, but at the same time I was massively detached, I would look at beautiful sunrises and feel nothing, I could see people being abused and feel nothing. I couldn't even cry, and still to this day have a fair amount of difficulty doing so.
My emotions opened up slightly a few years ago, compassion being the biggest one, it's very massive, for which I am very thankful for. Anyways, I've had a girlfriend for about a year, and while I was in love with her, my desire for porn was non existant, ( it started off as an out of state relationship) she ended up going back to her old boyfriend, which broke my fragile heart. We started going out again a few months after that. I sent her a video that touched my heart, and knew it would touch hers too, it was meant to be a goodbye, I love you and wish you well type of thing, but we ended up dating again. I didn't have the love any more, but It was nice to fill the void in my heart again. I went out to meet her last april, she was moving to texas, the plan was to eventually live together. I went out there, showed her as much love as I could. but Knew it just wasn't meant to be, it wasn't what I wanted.
I returned to minnesota, and she had fallen in love with me, she was VERY needy, calling me at all hours of the day, demanding that I wake up at 10am to call her, and goto by 2am with her, she wanted to be on the phone every second of the day, and was doing everything in her power to get me to come live with her in texas, I loved her and felt bad for her, but wanted nothing to do with her, I however let myself be bent to her will, and went back, her aunt was insane, and abusive, so I had her come back to minnesota with me to live in my house. My porn addiction pesisted every since my heart was broken the first time, she found out a few times, went ape s***, and I stopped for a week or two, or a month or two, anyways, about a month ago I ran across the some LOO related information, and it reawakened the spiritual side of my truth seeking, as opposed to just the conspiracy related stuff.
She caught me doing it again about a week before that, I have refrained since that date, I have done a fair amount of healing, and during this whole time with her, I have been trying to relate my spiritual truths to her, hoping to help her, and she has grown an enormous amount. I have a lot of love for her, but I feel more like a father/brother than a lover for the most part. She has been invading my space wanting me to be a lover and I have been telling her no this whole time, anyways.. we have finally set up some somewhat healthy boundaries, and are actively working towards making things better.
Theres a few other sexually addicted aspects of my life I haven't covered here, but this is already to jumbled about to try and add them in a way that would make a small amount of sense so yeah.. here is this much. I still have urges from time to time, had a couple dreams involving sex, one where I almost came, but stopped myself. and yeah. The struggle continues, but I'm in a much healthier place than I have been in since before my whole gf escapade started, when I was actively pursuing spirituality. I feel confident in my ability to surpress it, but I want to learn to accept it and explore it, without actually doing it? I don't quite know how to go about that to be honest. TLOO states, that accepting and embracing our "problems" is the way to heal, but I am at a loss as to how to do that in a healthy way.. I shall continue to seek answers!
-let's off a huge sigh- man that was a long stressful post eh?
MUCH LOVE!
So without further ado.. let's see what we can uncover here!
I feel that just sharing and bringing this stuff to light is a great act of cleansing.
As most males in our culture, ( I assume anyways?) my introduction to porn must have been around the age of 12 or 13. Before this I had had sexual experiences of a much more innocent nature, so I feel, kissing my ex gf at a roller-rink for hours at a time and what not, anyways...
It must have taken me a few attempts to masturbating to finally achieve orgasm, sad to say my first time was indeed while focusing on pornography, I believe I was in my parents room, due to them having cable. I don't think It became "slightly" out of control until when I was about 14-15ish, I recall masturbating in class rooms, full of students, while focusing on girls. In the bathrooms, still focusing on girls. At home I would stay up all night to record porn from off cable t.v. for later use, and to share with friends. I actually had someone leave a copy of something a bit more hardcore, the first time I actually saw a vagina and penis, as well as anal sex being presented.
At first I found such things rather gross, but soon enough, that became quite interesting to me, for some reason things which initially grossed me out, soon became my topic of most interest. I visited some online sites when I was 13 or so, I think it wasn't until around the age of 15 I found actual video clips online, and started downloading random stuff off of kazaa, ( for those of you who don't know.. it's like napster.. or itunes, except it was free, and had software, videos, audio, online books, ect ect) anyways, they would name files things that they really weren't and I soon came across some.. very strange things, the pattern continued, I was initially disgusted by that which I found, but soon developed a taste for such things. Among these things, was beastiality, which for a good 3-4 years I would from time to time have an urge to view again. I also found some pedophilia, while I was around the same age as these girls when I did in fact find it, and there was no intercourse going on, I don't feel too guilty about it, aside from unknowingly supporting it, I didn't have many girlfriends from the ages of 13-16, in fact I had none. So seeing naked girls my own age was something I liked a lot.
When I was 16 I began dating a girl, and within a week we had had sex, and I had lost my virginity. We had a lotttt of sex, 3-4 times a day, for months, while definitely forming some somewhat unhealthy habbits, and sadly I enacted that which I saw on pornos, mainly thinking "the harder and faster I go the better" She seemed to like it, and would even compliment me for doing as such. We spent almost every day and night together, (she would spent the night everyday for months) after about 6 months of going out, my dad died, he was my for lack of a better word "soulmate" we could read each others minds, we had the exact same energy, we were one. anyways, this devastated me beyond what words can explain, I still struggle with the emotional damage it caused, I smoked a lot of marijuana in these days, as a coping mechanism, and even became quite addicted to it, contrary to popular belief I believe that it's possible.
She had come from a hard background, she lived on the street for a few years, had been doing meth since 14, and soon I started stealing pot from my mom, which doesn't quite belong in this thread, but it does pertain to the story seeing as how pot + sex = a new formed addiction during this time. This went on for a good year or so, before she couldn't handle our lifestyle any more, I was VERY depressed, when we first met, I was full of love and light, and helped her view life in a different way as she did me, but that had been lost, she was no longer enjoying the sex we had, it was pretty much all about me, and as I was the only one doing the "work" I felt that to be fair more or less, not to mention I had no idea what else could be done, making love to me didn't quite make sense. Altho we did share such an experience once. So I felt anyways. Anyways, my porn addiction continued during our relationship, and spun out of control once we broke up, I would masturbate typically 10 times a day, sorry to get graphic here, but my penis would almost always be COVERED in scabs from over use for a good year or two.
I think I'm mixing up dates now that I think harder about it, This was more towards the 14-16 age period, when I was about 18 I went to california, and read the yaqui way of knowledge, which began my transformation. My sexual habbits persisted once I got back home, roughly 2 months later. Eventually I decided I wanted to save my sexual energy for dreaming, which was after we broke up. It was a real struggle, by this point I was absolutely addicted to porn. I could last a week or two, sometimes a month, once I even went about 4-6 months. I couldn't smoke pot during this time, which was a great asset to me being able to quit, I had ingested a poisonous extraction of Hawaiian baby woodrose seeds, which contain LSA, closely related to LSD, also found in morning glory seeds, anyways, I had severe palpitations, which I struggled through, I didn't go to a doctor or er for 3 days, but it never went away, so I couldn't bear the stress any more.
For the next 6-12 months I would try to smoke pot and have horrible anxiety attacks, heart beat rising to 180 bpm, my legs would twitch uncontrollably, I would shiver uncontrollably, while my skin felt afire. Anywayssss, Eventually I fell back into a negative loop, or more negative loop, I was sober for about 7 months without trying to do anything, focusing on the carlos castaneda books as my refuge. Than I'd relapse, start masturbating wayyy too much, and smoking small bits of pot, which always lead to my relapse with porn. For the last 16 months or so I can smoke pot without getting too uncomfortable, it helps to open my heart sometimes, others it just makes me crazy or uncomfortable or both. anyways, back to the sexual/pornography addiction! Sorry about how I trail off so easily, lol
The past two years I would focus on some pretty "bad stuff" fake rape fetish crap, girls which look quite young, but aren't, watched some youtube videos of teenage girls dancing about, gangbangs, double anal, you name it, the more f*ck*d up it was, the more I got into it for some reason. Half the time I felt guilty and detached , half the time I was VERY detached, with no sense of guilt I could discern, my guilt came from my desire to be pure and to keep my sexual energy for spiritual pursuits.
And the fact that I felt bad for the women I would masturbate to, what a sick form of corruption. It broke my heart, but at the same time I was massively detached, I would look at beautiful sunrises and feel nothing, I could see people being abused and feel nothing. I couldn't even cry, and still to this day have a fair amount of difficulty doing so.
My emotions opened up slightly a few years ago, compassion being the biggest one, it's very massive, for which I am very thankful for. Anyways, I've had a girlfriend for about a year, and while I was in love with her, my desire for porn was non existant, ( it started off as an out of state relationship) she ended up going back to her old boyfriend, which broke my fragile heart. We started going out again a few months after that. I sent her a video that touched my heart, and knew it would touch hers too, it was meant to be a goodbye, I love you and wish you well type of thing, but we ended up dating again. I didn't have the love any more, but It was nice to fill the void in my heart again. I went out to meet her last april, she was moving to texas, the plan was to eventually live together. I went out there, showed her as much love as I could. but Knew it just wasn't meant to be, it wasn't what I wanted.
I returned to minnesota, and she had fallen in love with me, she was VERY needy, calling me at all hours of the day, demanding that I wake up at 10am to call her, and goto by 2am with her, she wanted to be on the phone every second of the day, and was doing everything in her power to get me to come live with her in texas, I loved her and felt bad for her, but wanted nothing to do with her, I however let myself be bent to her will, and went back, her aunt was insane, and abusive, so I had her come back to minnesota with me to live in my house. My porn addiction pesisted every since my heart was broken the first time, she found out a few times, went ape s***, and I stopped for a week or two, or a month or two, anyways, about a month ago I ran across the some LOO related information, and it reawakened the spiritual side of my truth seeking, as opposed to just the conspiracy related stuff.
She caught me doing it again about a week before that, I have refrained since that date, I have done a fair amount of healing, and during this whole time with her, I have been trying to relate my spiritual truths to her, hoping to help her, and she has grown an enormous amount. I have a lot of love for her, but I feel more like a father/brother than a lover for the most part. She has been invading my space wanting me to be a lover and I have been telling her no this whole time, anyways.. we have finally set up some somewhat healthy boundaries, and are actively working towards making things better.
Theres a few other sexually addicted aspects of my life I haven't covered here, but this is already to jumbled about to try and add them in a way that would make a small amount of sense so yeah.. here is this much. I still have urges from time to time, had a couple dreams involving sex, one where I almost came, but stopped myself. and yeah. The struggle continues, but I'm in a much healthier place than I have been in since before my whole gf escapade started, when I was actively pursuing spirituality. I feel confident in my ability to surpress it, but I want to learn to accept it and explore it, without actually doing it? I don't quite know how to go about that to be honest. TLOO states, that accepting and embracing our "problems" is the way to heal, but I am at a loss as to how to do that in a healthy way.. I shall continue to seek answers!
-let's off a huge sigh- man that was a long stressful post eh?
MUCH LOVE!
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