Help...

[Glow]

On the puke/cry thing you asked how we kept doing it.
First... what was the alternative? There really isn't one. I used to talk myself forward one foot in front of the other just keep going. Even now I rationalize and say Ive done this a decade I can do that 2 more times(20 years) just to encourage the one foot in front of the other attitude.

The embarrassing part for me was I was running my own business and sometimes I'd be crying/dry heaving right up till I got out of my vehicle at my clients. Here I was supposed to be confident and professional and I'm pretty sure my eyes were always puffy and red.

I think it really helped me when I admitted it to another business owner and she admitted she was like that the first 7 years of her business.
I thought "Well crap I guess I'm not doomed" because I knew she was pretty skilled and we both 9 years later are still running our businesses. Much less puking and tears. lol

Not contributing isn't exactly good for the mental health or ego, even if you don't think it effects your self esteem when you start accomplishing things that overwhelm you it builds you up.
Fear paralyzes but the fear isn't generally an accurate estimate of how things will go. Trust yourself. It effects me too but when I actually accomplish what scares me its a good feeling.
Courage is being scared but doing it anyways, not the absence of fear.

If you have one friend it can be a life line to get you through. Like Jade I had crap parental providers as a kid. I had a job by 8, and by 11 I was being charged for fuel if I wanted a ride anywhere. lol They actually made money when the drove me places as gas did not cost much 29 years ago. It makes me laugh in retrospect. I was paying $600 a month rent to my mother at age 18, and had to buy my own groceries, all her 3 kids did. Now knowing how money works I know her kids paid her mortgage but whatever. Life isn't free and I guess I found that out early.

Bosses are not your friends and you cannot expect corporations to treat you or their customers with integrity. Wired like we are in the short term you suck it up and in the long term you build a business so you can treat your clients with care and only work for people you can respect and show respect too. I'm 9 years in and have fired the last of my negative energy clients. It sucked getting here I admit but what was the alternative. Two feet and a heart beat, one foot in front of the other.

You aren't alone vent here and just make it through the day out there.

[Glow]

I want to remind you of what you already have to offer.
Those chakra readings are very helpful. You have service to provide, these are just hurdles to getting to the place where you can provide that service.
I provide much of my STO service to my clients not through my product but through the love I show them and the nonworldly perspectives and care they enjoy getting from me as we talk. The puke/cry was part of the hurdles of getting me to where I could provide my actual gift to these people.

You can do this.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I can do it, just need to stop being scared and making excuses and hiding behind my issues and philosophies.

I'm aware I have potential, it's like this little ember in the back of my mind reminding me that I have something that can start wildfires of value in my life, I just need to stop trying to put it out and give it some air.

I don't understand how you all can just suck it up and muddle through, guess it's just something I need to learnt to do on my own.

I highly doubt I'll ever own my own business anywhere anyhow anyway unless it's off the books and under the radar, I mean I really want to start up a hookah bar one day, but I doubt I'll ever be able to between the debt and economy.  I'd be content to just be a programmer, writer, graphic artist, and a spiritualist.

Just need to do it, huh.

[Glow]

I was eventually on anti anxiety stuff for a while, im not sue it did anything to be honest, even with that it still was touch and go. Other people it does help.
You know those motivational gifs people love to mock? Most of them are true.

"it always seems impossible until its done" Nelson Mandela

Look at your third statement in your last post. The first two you are acknowledging your worth, considering owning your power/self belief then the third statement is all doubt and darkness and hopelessness. Stop giving those thoughts words. Doubt is poison. It might be part of your ego(fear) but try not to reinforce them by practicing them.

Your debt, you will be surprised how quick you can pay that off if you put everything you can on it. Its a big number no doubt but dont allow a mistake in your past to steal your future. You will need credit to start a hooka bar or even get an apartment so you have to face that mess. We all make messes, we all get chances to clean them up. I'd find a free first visit lawyer and see if its viable to renegotiate those loans. Generally they will reduce the total to get something back vs nothing. please consider this option. You are way to young to have this issue become permanent.

20 years from now things can look very different.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I honestly don't see myself paying off all of that debt unless I manage a really good paying job or service.  Or at least it won't be paid off anytime soon. I don't even know what its at anymore but I can imagine its pretty high up now, 100k wouldn't surprise me...

And my credit has been shot since I was evicted. Though that debt I feel is illegal as that complex didn't even verify our income and the people told us to lie about our income anyways.

...What's that about renegotiating a loan anyways??  I thought they were a set in stone kind of thing.

[Glow]

I honestly don't see myself paying off all of that debt unless I manage a really good paying job or service.  Or at least it won't be paid off anytime soon.  I don't even know what its at anymore but I can imagine its pretty high up now, 100k wouldn't surprise me...

And my credit has been shot since I was evicted.  Though that debt I feel is illegal as that complex didn't even verify our income and the people told us to lie about our income anyways.

...What's that about renegotiating a loan anyways??  I thought they were a set in stone kind of thing.

Nope my ex- sister inlaw worked for a collection agency and they will reduce the debt to ensure they get something back. I do not know the process but conglomeration loans work off this principal. You can always file for bankruptcy and have everything dealt with, it is a process though. Trump has done it dozens of times. No shame if its what you need to do, and it sounds like it might be. I could be wrong but I think if you are considering filling for bankruptcy the loan people will negotiate even quicker because they would rather get something than nothing, which is what happens if you file for bankruptcy.

If your credit is done already, and you have no assets, I don't know of a down side to this. Im sure SOMEONE who knows more could advise you. Then in 7 years its off your credit history and you start building credit anew. That's why its better to deal with it now instead of hiding from the dept. Dealt with eventually you have a chance to rebuild FRESH and do anything.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

For real?

You see I've been told that my debt is permanent and will stay with me until the day I die, but you're telling me if I file for bankruptcy and wait 7 years I'll get a fresh start?!!  Or if I negotiate with them they'll let me pay less?  What is it like one of those 'this much per dollar' deals or...  I need to stop listening to people, I am apparently living in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REALITY, because I'm sitting here in belief that my debts are permanent and will only keep rising until I start paying them off.

What does it even mean to file for bankruptcy?  I mean, I only know of the term from Monopoly and as far as I understand it, it just means you're flat out broke.  What does that entail?

Sorry, I'm going to be researching it myself but I kind of feel more trusting of what people here have to say now after finding out so many things I thought were true AREN'T. -scoffs-

Man...  I hate lies so much right now...

[Glow]

The creditor aren't going to tell you they will take less. Generally you need an intermediary to deal with them. They are there to scare you and bully you not help you. I know the USA has lots of smart nice people. I keep thinking a church but really any group of nice people might be able to extend some guidance for you. I think that is the main benefit of a church, people gathered together supposedly in service. How old are you again? In Canada youth services offer some guidance till 30 I think. Of course I didn't know that till I was 35.

Google bankruptcy your country will have slightly details (its 7 years in Canada)but yeah bankruptcy is to free you from debt you have no way of paying back. You have no assets to lose so better to deal with it than let it weigh on you any longer.

[Aion]

For real?

You see I've been told that my debt is permanent and will stay with me until the day I die, but you're telling me if I file for bankruptcy and wait 7 years I'll get a fresh start?!!  Or if I negotiate with them they'll let me pay less?  What is it like one of those 'this much per dollar' deals or...  I need to stop listening to people, I am apparently living in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REALITY, because I'm sitting here in belief that my debts are permanent and will only keep rising until I start paying them off.

What does it even mean to file for bankruptcy?  I mean, I only know of the term from Monopoly and as far as I understand it, it just means you're flat out broke.  What does that entail?

Sorry, I'm going to be researching it myself but I kind of feel more trusting of what people here have to say now after finding out so many things I thought were true AREN'T. -scoffs-

Man...  I hate lies so much right now...

My Mom declared bankruptcy in order to escape credit card debt. From what I have heard it's something they actively try to discourage people from doing because it is a way out of debt. The only thing is you will kill your credit, but ironically being in debt does the same thing anyways so for something in your position it may be a viable approach. If you have student loans with the government I don't think bankruptcy can clear those.

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/27684203/ns/bu...SIr7GjyvIU
http://www.uscourts.gov/services-forms/b...tcy-basics
http://www.arizonabankruptcylaw.com/process.html

If you do have student loans with the government I also found this:

https://www.studentdebtrelief.us/forgiveness/
https://www.studentdebtrelief.us/forgive...rgiveness/

Sucks you got bitten by the Art Institute as well, much worse than I did. I was lucky and saw the mouth of the beast before I fed it too much. I went to the Art Institute for Game Design but ended up dropping out during my first term and only paying the first portion of my tuition, so I am only stuck with about 8000$ debt at this point. They f***** me too, they changed my whole program and told me with a package a month before I was supposed to start and way after I had already paid my enrollment fee. Schooling for profit is messed.

[smc]

c -a parla tu italiano?

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I might be Italian and know how to speak with an Italian accent but I don't know italian...

A great shame too, its such a poignant language.

...I'm assuming you asked if I speak Italian?

[smc]

are you good at languages?

http://mymodernmet.com/italy-free-real-e...art-bonus/

"The Italian government is .....offering up 103 historic buildings free of charge for people who agree to renovate the structures for tourism purposes. Ever dreamed of owning a castle or restoring an old railway station? This may be your chance. In an attempt to stimulate tourism in other areas, the majority of the structures are along the pilgrimage trails and cycling routes.

The public call is open to individuals and groups made of members under 40 years old. Participants are asked to present a business plan on how they will revamp the site to generate a tourism or cultural service. In exchange, winners will be given a free 9-year lease, with an additional 9-year renewal clause, but are responsible for maintenance and upkeep of the space."

"And now, regular citizens can get in on the action. The Italian Ministry of Culture and Tourism http://www.beniculturali.it/mibac/export...52501.html has all the details and helpfully suggest activities that could fit the bill. From restaurants and hotels to bicycle rental and spas, the sky is the limit. Applications are open until June 26, 2017 and the government plans to replicate the process, releasing 100 buildings both in 2018 and 2019."

I went to the link and don't know enough Italian  and couldn't find a translate button- but you could use google translate... they also have a facebook page. People from America/Netherlands, etc are on that page asking for more info.....

https://www.facebook.com/mit.gov.it/phot...=3&theater

Ministero delle Infrastrutture e dei Trasporti added 10 new photos.
10 May at 02:08 ·

Da oggi parte la #consultazioneonline sul riuso di #immobilipubblici. Masserie, stazioni, castelli e ville diventano ostelli, piccoli hotel, punti di servizio per turisti, viaggiatori a piedi, pellegrini e ciclisti. Si tratta di #CamminiePercorsi, il nuovo progetto dell'Agenzia del Demanio con la collaborazione del MiBACTe del Ministero delle Infrastrutture e dei Trasporti.
(From today the #consultazioneonline on reuse of #immobilipubblici. Farms, stations, castles and mansions become smaller hotels, hostels, service points for tourists, travelers walk, pilgrims and cyclists. This is #camminiepercorsi, the new project of Agenzia del Demanio with the collaboration of MiBACT and Ministero delle Infrastrutture e dei Trasporti.)

[smc]

btw: this was the astrology report for about 2 hours ago _

"Pluto retrograde in Capricorn opposite Asteroid Persephone in Cancer. - There may be a powerful fear of moving into unfamiliar territory. The desire for control vies with the need to fly the nest. Sometimes it is necessary to walk the path that you fear the most to shatter restrictions. The tighter your grip on current circumstances the more life pulls you out of your comfort zone.

Whether it's your professional or personal life that requires a leap of faith, it's time to re-connect to your deepest desires. Take a long hard look at your motivation for change and the pay-offs for keeping everything the same. Consider whether the beliefs that have built your reality are in tune with the song of your soul. The more you follow what is in your heart, the easier it is to step confidently into the unknown. Reveal your passion. Trust yourself."

Degrees
Pluto 19°Cp09' R, Persephone 19°Cn09' D

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Heh!  If I could afford to renovate one of those places I'd jump on that offer!

Sadly I do not have a passport, and lack money to get one or a plane ticket to Italy.

...But I have a friend who I'm going to pass this on to, it's her dream to live in Italy.

As for languages, no...  I wish I was bilingual, I intend to eventually learn Spanish, French, and Italian, probably in that order, and maybe Portuguese if it overlaps with Spanish enough.  I keep telling myself I want to learn Latin, but I'm not sure if it'd be worth it, but to be fair Latin is pretty awesome.  I figure Spanish and Italian are already somewhat similar in a few ways along with Portuguese.

...I'll probably just stick to those first three.  Spanish because I live in Amerxico...  French because it sounds beautiful, and Italian because I just want to know it.  Gratzi mi amor for asking though.

Started a short regiment of detoxing with some spring water infused with lemon, lime, and cucumber, courtesy of Earth_Spirit, to help get the weed out of my system a bit faster so I'm not so anxious doing a drug test for a bigger department stores.

Muddling through...  I have a hard time doing so...So I might come back here occasionally crying all pathetic like looking for more encouragement to not give up.

I have to admit, doing things alone is exponentially harder for me than if I had someone to turn around to and talk with about the experience, even if just to vent..  The idea of being alone my whole life is kind of crippling, so I really need to stay away from those thoughts.

[smc]

you smoke weed?

that's a big money and energy drain right there possum...

excellent to take a break from it

to me - you have the problem of being gifted intellectually and verbally but the disadvantage of abusive childhood behavioural conditioning, resultant anger and low self esteem

you're in your 'head' so much that you're all analysis and emotion processing and 'overview'

but you're postponing forward movement with continual analysing

- write down a list of actionable steps

do them

breath take a break

do more of them

repeat

otherwise you're like an elephant that was trained to obey with a leg chain tied to a tree and when the chain is taken off - it keeps staying around the tree - unmoving - thinking the chain is still attached... I was like that - it's conditioning done by dis-empowering parents...

you can analyse your life until the cows come home.... or you can stop analysing and start doing.... momentum will build with each action you take

- you are gifted with a whole life to explore

take flight



ps: if you've been waiting for a sign



THIS IS IT

[Glow]

Started a short regiment of detoxing with some spring water infused with lemon, lime, and cucumber, courtesy of Earth_Spirit, to help get the weed out of my system a bit faster so I'm not so anxious doing a drug test for a bigger department stores.

Muddling through...  I have a hard time doing so...So I might come back here occasionally crying all pathetic like looking for more encouragement to not give up.

I have to admit, doing things alone is exponentially harder for me than if I had someone to turn around to and talk with about the experience, even if just to vent..  The idea of being alone my whole life is kind of crippling, so I really need to stay away from those thoughts.

Its hard for me too. I always thought I was supposed to have been a twin growing up, I've joked even a conjoined twin would have been fine. Likely it is a social memory complex thing hold over. However you can come here every day, and we will take your frayed nerves and put them back where they go.

Its hard for everyone though. I think Hollywood does a huge disservice portraying adult life/work as nontramatic. lol As you get older you see why everyone is so reactive, utilizing bad coping mechanisms(alcohol, affairs, manipulation, anger), most people are barely keeping it together.

I've known people for decades who made me feel defective because they had their $#it so together only to find out that behind closed doors they can barely function. I think that is partly why we are here. We go in "muddle through" do our best to be transparent, keep our light lit, bring that light among them.

It might be your path that when working you end up meeting those people or a person who makes you feel not alone. I mean don't count on it but its how most adult friendships are formed.

I met one of my immediate soul group through this business venture. I was 32 when I met him and had never met anyone who felt like home but he did/does. We have had a rocky rough connection that is teaching us both a lot about ourselves but to some degree we can vent and build each other up regarding the work stuff.

We discovered we had an opportunity to live in the same 200 people tiny small town when we were 17 so could have met then too but I had my Christ consciousness awakening at 17 so I was likely not ready for the awakening he triggered.

Anyways I'm off topic but the point was you are not alone, physically sure but we are here, and you never know what gifts(people or otherwise) will come along your path. Working together is a great was to build comradery and bond. You already know how to meditate so utilize that skill to not lose your cool when people behave without integrity at work. "Forgive them, they know not what they do" - big J

[Aion]

The great irony of human existence is that we all experience the same suffering together and yet seem to be alone in it.

[Jade]

I don't think it's unreasonable for an adult to expect a child to contribute.  I think it is unreasonable to never praise that child and scold them regardless of whether they do something or not.  I think my choices were well within reason considering the way my mother treated me.

My point being that now, at this juncture, you are choosing to cohabitate with her still, and contributing to the upkeep of the house is not an unreasonable expectation when you live/eat there for free. You can hold on to past grudges or you can try to move forward cooperatively. You say WERE well within reason considering the way she TREATED you (past tense), but can you still hold that position? Just an honest question, not even rhetorical.

I don't think you understand fully how this philosophy works, owning and enabling.  Being abused is enabling irresponsibility?  You seriously believe the Law of One is a valid excuse to do some of the things done on this planet, don't you.

Your mother enabled you to be irresponsible. Yes this is a type of abuse. I'm not sure what this has to do with "the philosophy", but it's a common type of abuse these days to infantalize your children so that they are unable to participate in the complications of society without your help. It's a passive type of abusive, but it's obviously crippled you in certain ways.

That's highly, extremely disturbing to me.  I've seen you personally let your abused side get the better of you, I think it's only fair that you realize that I am trying, I'm not just sitting here doing nothing. I have an extremely hard time reaching out, and an even harder time finding motivation to even bother with half of the things I experience.

The Law of One exposed me not just to the higher workings but the lower ones too, you can say I don't take responsibility for my own actions but I'm the one who admits it was my own mind that deposited me in the hell I experienced, and that it is not my mother who ruins my life so much as controls it, and that I can only do so much about it realistically speaking beyond throwing myself onto the street and starting from the very very bottom.  That isn't irresponsible, it's being stuck.  I admit to being irresponsible in the fact that I don't even know how to be responsible beyond what I've already had to figure out on my own.  To being forgetful about things, to not understanding A LOT of things that many people take for granted in this world.

I think it's only fair to offer at least some benefit of a doubt.  I don't like my situation very much and if I knew how to leave it don't you think I would've tried that?  But instead I sit here trying to think it through, I make motions and then recoil because I change my mind because I don't know.  And I'm never going to know until I try, and typically when I try, I get shut down.

Do you really think I haven't given you the benefit of the doubt? I have not once implied that this is all your fault, that you're a failure, that your mom is innocent. I was trying to offer you practical solutions, hoping to see you willing to apply them, but instead your response to me was complaining about how she made you use the pool chemicals incorrectly and how she yells at you when you leave a dish out.

So if you're stuck, my attempts are just to help you get unstuck. Maybe it's like ripping off a bandaid.

If it's irresponsible to be conditioned to be the way I am, and if it's not acceptable to say I HAVE been conditioned by another to BE THESE WAYS, then I don't know what else there is to say to you other than not everything is on you.  You're not responsible for it all, only how you handle it.

I've handled it poorly, I accept that.  I failed to maintain my own place when I was kicked out.  I failed to maintain my status as a father.  I failed on a lot of fronts Jade, and honestly there's more of me than not that wants to just give up because it all seems to futile and pointless.  The entire system in the Law of One is honestly fuel for upsetting me and disturbing me.  I don't personally review it much anymore because very much of it I've let go of because very much of it does not sound like what I am used to, but rather like a close reflection of it.  I don't believe suicide forces you to repeat an incarnation if your free will as a soul truly chooses not to continue such a lesson.  I don't believe homosexuality is an infringement or unnatural, or that there are discarnate negatives going around filling our heads with thoughts that aren't our own.  I just don't believe half of the stuff mostly said about the negative polarity and a majority of the content looks like perfect cannon fodder to formulate a spiritual elitism.

Well, then I apologize for trying to help you through the system of the Law of One. It always is baffling to me when people post here, but then say they don't even care about the Law of One. It puts one who uses the philosophy in a position to be berated for no reason. Just because you are angry with the material doesn't mean you have to take it out on me.

So when you say to me, it's all on me.  I look at you and say you're me, so it's on you too.  If you saw someone like me on the streets, would you help me or tell me I'm responsible for my situation and to figure it out on my own?  How do you help someone with the mental issues I have?  Someone who's been abused and warped into disbelief of their self?  You've been especially helpful as have others so I'm not saying you're being irresponsible or unhelpful, just that the responsibility argument has gone through my mind well over a hundred times now and I always come back to the same thing.

There are exceptions to what some can be held responsible for.  I'm not saying my life is one, but I am saying my Mother is one.  I have tried my best to help her, to make her kinder, to make her happy.  I've sacrificed a lot for her sake and am realizing it was too much now.

I'm not saying any of this is all your fault. I'm trying to remind you that you are a CO-creator. You have a vote in these things. Yes, you've been conditioned to choose to vote for "helpless/taken advantage of Joseph" but you can choose to vote for something else. It just takes effort.

Obviously I recognize that you are also me, or else I would be doing something else do serve a different piece of myself with my time, would I not?

If I met someone on the street, would I treat them differently? Absolutely, they would be a stranger. You, dear Joseph, I have read thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of your own words describing your life, your situation, etc. I can't claim to truly know or understand, but yes, I treat you differently than I would a stranger because you aren't a stranger. I know a lot of what you've been through, and I know what you're capable of as far as critical thinking and applying yourself. As far as I'm aware, I've seen no hint as "mental issues" that need special handling. Your brain seems as capable as anyone's to me.

I forget to take out the trash because I'm busy trying to be happy.  I forget to clean the kitchen because I'm working on a book.  I forget to empty the pool filters because I walked out there to do it and got mesmerized by how beautiful the sun looks when reflecting on water.

I understand, I find cleaning to be a chore too. But don't you understand that cleaning is a SERVICE? It's a service to yourself, it's a service to the entity that is your house, and yes as unappealing as it might be it's a service to your mother. It's symbolic for how you care about the body complex... eh, sorry, guess I shouldn't use the Law of One.

In some ways I think the hardest part of my life is coming to an end now that I'm becoming more and more aware of how badly messed up I am.

This is your biggest hurdle, and you need to just learn to let it go. Beating yourself up, feeling guilty - these are purely wasted energies if you can't get past them. It's a total waste of one's energy to punish oneself in such a way. Be proud that you've made it this far, in spite of your difficulties. Earth is very hard. Take pity on yourself for a poor decision when you were backed into a corner, just as you would anyone else in your situation.

Still.  If you can offer any advice on what it means to be responsible, to not let yourself be caught up in fear and uncertainty, to make choices without neutralizing yourself, I'm all ears.  Because I'm looking to find a way, it starts with saving money and getting out of here.  I'm already trying to work through the anxiety of going through the job process to really get on my feet and jump as far away from this place as I can.

I have others so willing to help me, it is inspiring to make me help myself so their kindness isn't a waste.  To not get distracted by diversions from reality like reading or smoking or writing or games.

I do need help, Jade.  It's why I'm here and your words are greatly appreciated.  I just wish I didn't need them to be so sharp to get through my thick skull...

MEDITATE.

I don't care if you don't believe in the Law of One anymore. Meditation is proven to GROW BRAIN TISSUE. (Which means that you skull won't be as relatively thick) Just do it dude. No one can teach/learn for you. You have to learn that everything you need is within.

For what it's worth, very early into the Law of One Ra makes it very clear that by Don requesting information about healing, he was taking on a responsibility/honor/duty that he needed to ponder greatly. I think anyone who reads past that point in the book is making the same energetic agreement. So, I really don't think it's as simple as saying that you just disagree with some transient issues so the rest of it is worthless to you.

4.20: One item which may be of interest is that a healer asking to learn must take the distortion understood as responsibility for that ask/receiving, thus healing. This is a[n] honor/duty which must be carefully considered in free will before the asking.

I love you Joseph, and I am only taking a harsh tone because you have been enabled to not take responsibility for yourself so long. Giving you a space to vent about your mom until you feel better isn't going to help you get into a better situation, if that is what you truly want. Give a man a fish, teach a man to fish - I'm trying to show you that you're just as capable as anyone to co-create a reality for yourself that isn't misery. You're smart, you're sensitive, you're aware. I believe very strongly that you should get out of your mother's house. But if you can't, in the short term, I think attempts at cooperation might alleviate some of your misery - for instance, is it possible that if you learned how to make a proper compost pile, that your mother would let you help her with hers? Then you can both compromise and share space productively instead of constantly inhibiting each other's peace.

Now also understand that I moved out when I was 18, and just recently moved 1200 miles away from my abusers and have 0 contact with them. This is also an option. I'm not saying that you NEED to try to get along with your mother, the abuser - however, as your situation entails that you do currently share very close quarters with her, attempts at cooperation and healing might be in order - even if it doesn't significantly change the way she treats you, it might be able to help the way you treat yourself. Because the way you treat her, the way you treat your home, is the way you treat yourself. Even if she's set the poorest of examples, you can still rise above. You don't have to travel down the road that she created for you.

[smc]

If I may ask  (?) Do you have any addictions?

I ask this because you will not be of enough will and health and personal power if you are in active addiction.
I ask because I know the theft of energy and self belief that addiction causes.

You needn't answer if this is intrusive, incorrect, or not useful for you.

Otherwise:

1 - IMO you are so often venting to cope -  and will continue to vent to cope - as long as that gives you enough temporary relief; or s*** hits the fan and forces the radical change needed that you're resisting.

2 - "Argue for your limitations; and sure enough, they're yours."
(Richard Bach)

3) - “There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk: Autobiography In Five Short Chapters” ~ Portia Nelson

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

[rva_jeremy]

Seriously, CA: meditate. Meditation doesn't require you to change one iota of your situation otherwise. You need take no other risk or put yourself in any sort of additional jeopardy.

Don't you think that if you could achieve a level of calmness, awareness, and clarity that even when you're faced with difficult situations you'd at least respond better? And not simply respond better but understand better how you fit into the situation, how exactly you contribute to it, how exactly you are don't contribute to it?

Nobody in this thread, I imagine, has any hope of telling you the one thing that makes all of this better. You and we both know that you are going to have to figure this out. Why not get to know your own resources better? There's no doubt that you're intelligent, but you clearly feel like your'e stuck in troubling patterns. Why not get to know those better, before you decide how to move forward?

We don't know you well enough to really give you exactly what you need. But you can figure out on your own how to proceed by knowing yourself better, and not in this abstract way we describe but in a direct way. Avail yourself of your own resources through studying yourself, which is all meditation really is in the end. Find out for yourself what the solution is; don't take our word for it.

I don't mean any of that as a criticism of you. You can learn a lot by continuing down your current path, too. When you're ready for it, know that you have other options on how to pursue this matter.

[smc]

"this abstract way we describe"

(@Jeremy6D) I disagree - this thread has lots of practical advice

I've noticed you often speak for an "all" (a "we") as a 'generalisation of replies' to a thread - but usually it's inaccurate and reductive.

[rva_jeremy]

Thanks for letting me know how I'm coming off, SMC. I certainly did not mean to denigrate anybody's contribution or imply that I speak for the group! I'll keep an eye on this tone going forward.

For what it's worth, I simply think there's a limit to the practical advice you can give to somebody in AC's situation from the distance of a message board. All I really wanted to do was reinforce Jade's advice, since hers has in my opinion the unique quality of not needing to know AC's exact situation.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Quick Note to Mods: If any of the below graphics are bothersome, please tell me and I will immediately remove them, otherwise I, uh, think they're actually really cute and more so sexy than sexual or inappropriate...Still, at your discretion.

Seriously, CA: meditate.  Meditation doesn't require you to change one iota of your situation otherwise.  You need take no other risk or put yourself in any sort of additional jeopardy.

Don't you think that if you could achieve a level of calmness, awareness, and clarity that even when you're faced with difficult situations you'd at least respond better?  And not simply respond better but understand better how you fit into the situation, how exactly you contribute to it, how exactly you are don't contribute to it?

Nobody in this thread, I imagine, has any hope of telling you the one thing that makes all of this better.  You and we both know that you are going to have to figure this out.  Why not get to know your own resources better?  There's no doubt that you're intelligent, but you clearly feel like your'e stuck in troubling patterns.  Why not get to know those better, before you decide how to move forward?  

We don't know you well enough to really give you exactly what you need.  But you can figure out on your own how to proceed by knowing yourself better, and not in this abstract way we describe but in a direct way.  Avail yourself of your own resources through studying yourself, which is all meditation really is in the end.  Find out for yourself what the solution is; don't take our word for it.

I don't mean any of that as a criticism of you.  You can learn a lot by continuing down your current path, too.  When you're ready for it, know that you have other options on how to pursue this matter.

Advice taken, meditation works well, there's just something...  Ah, ah...  Point taken, I'll meditate more.

If I may ask  (?) Do you have any addictions?

I ask this because you will not be of enough will and health and personal power if you are in active addiction.
I ask because I know the theft of energy and self belief that addiction causes.

You needn't answer if this is intrusive, incorrect, or not useful for you.

I dooo...  Weed and Porn.  The former IS an addiction albeit more psychological than physical as quitting it is nowhere near as hard as the ladder.  The ladder of which I have tried various times to give up, managing a couple of days before some stupid commercial filled with sexual energies or some person all dressed up makes me feel that urge.  It's a mixture of psychological and physiological too...   I've tried to supplement it with literature but I have a feeling this is one type of scenario where I'll need to cold turkey it and do everything in my power to refrain.

Weed isn't hard to quit mostly because I know that down the line I'll have access to more and further I don't want to perma-quit so much as seriously tone down the usage for spiritual and creative uses exclusively.

Porn, ALL porn, even amateur stuff, it's all bad.  Sex is addictive, whether engaged in or being observed.  Plus the porn industry is linked to everything from child sex trafficking to rape of women AND men to perpetuating pedophilia, sexism, racism, it's fooken evil, it just is and I need to quit it for good, need to stop going to 4chan's nsfw(red) boards, need to delete all the stuff I've saved to make hypno/caption gifs to post on 4chan, need to delete all the stupidly fun sexy games like Fobs or Peaches Untold Tale...  Or AT THE VERY LEAST, I need to cut down it's usage enough so to where my brain isn't wired to only get me physically aroused when a screen with naked people is in front of my eyes.

I have addictions, I'm predisposed to them genetically, my half sister Melissa actually died around 36 from OD'ing on heroin, So... I've never touched a cigarette to my lips, I'd be hooked for life.  It's why I will never try harder drugs like heroin or meth, and while I'm curious about cocain because Archer, Ghost Recon, and various other societal mediums perpetuating cocain use, I won't ever touch it because I'll probably like it too much.  I'm fine with my hookah and weed, the only other things I'd ever try out would be psychedelics, but mostly because I want to experience conscious exploration without inhibitions, and even then, I'm not going to jump into it like that one time I tried shrooms.  Very dark experience.

If I had to think of any other addictions, I'd say I'm addicted to Star Trek, Archer, Tea, Music, Games, and Sleep

Weed use has pretty much messed me up in that I've relied on it at times to help me calm down.  That's a fast way to grow dependent.  Further I've used it for a sleeping aid for so long that if I don't smoke before trying to fall asleep I may NOT fall sleep at all which exacerbates an already screwy sleep schedule that I've ALWAYS had.
Porn is time consuming and a massive waste of creative, emotional, and physical energy and time.  I pray I'll find the strength to quit it one day and not be so hooked to needing to be exposed to beautiful curvy bodies and sex each day.  Sorry if TMI, but when you're so addicted to porn you can masturbate to it 7+ times in one day for several days, then you REALLY have a problem (and a high sex drive).  I really have a problem and I need to QUIT ET.  I'd be fine with just sexy posters and softcore playboy magazines, anything but the hardcore weird stuff you inevitably move into from desensitization.  Even making sexy pixel art like:
or
or even would be preferable to indulging in it.  I know some of you dislike the sexualization of the female form though so I apologize if these were insulting to any of you...

Anyway, I Just gotta keep trying but I keep telling myself one thing at a time.

The great irony of human existence is that we all experience the same suffering together and yet seem to be alone in it.

The paradox created by the veil.  Paradoxes have different magnitudes though, so who's to say in some way we've created somewhere else an even more separated and veiled reality.  I mean if you look at our creative works of video and writing in fiction you have to admit, we've devised some very dark, and heavily twisted realities, or channeled them.  Either way, they exist somehow.

Or as a Nine Inch Nails Song called The Becoming goes, "even when I'm right with you I'm so far away."

you smoke weed?

that's a big money and energy drain right there possum...

excellent to take a break from it

to me - you have the problem of being gifted intellectually and verbally but the disadvantage of abusive childhood behavioural conditioning, resultant anger and low self esteem

you're in your 'head' so much that you're all analysis and emotion processing and 'overview'

but you're postponing forward movement with continual analysing

- write down a list of actionable steps

do them

breath take a break

do more of them

repeat

otherwise you're like an elephant that was trained to obey with a leg chain tied to a tree and when the chain is taken off - it keeps staying around the tree - unmoving - thinking the chain is still attached... I was like that - it's conditioning done by dis-empowering parents...

you can analyse your life until the cows come home.... or you can stop analysing and start doing.... momentum will build with each action you take

- you are gifted with a whole life to explore

take flight



ps: if you've been waiting for a sign



THIS IS IT

You feel like a sister hah, thank you for the encouragement.  Perhaps I do need to get physical more, go out and enjoy the park, play solitaire at a bench, or maybe take a plastic bag with me and clean up all the garbage everywhere.

I used to do the list idea back in 2014, it'd be something nice to bring back...I still have one of them tacked on my wall titled "Project: Services To Others" with some stuff written down about how to go about helping the homeless with care packages and portable homes, with a long-term desire to make an Homeless Center for Children and Young Adults Ages 0-23~25.  I even found the old plastic clipboard I used for writing them on my bed just yesterday!  Thank you for the advice, I'll take some time to write out a life route and options list.  ...I might actually ask for some input once I start it so I don't get ahead of myself or unrealistically assign goals like the above homeless center.

Thankfully I get free weed from a friend now and then, but I do need to cut down.  It's hard to believe I never smoked anything until less than 5 years ago...  I feel like I was born a stoner...Was mistaken for one my ENTIRE life lol...  Didn't become one until around age 20-21.  Didn't help my mom smoked when she was pregnant, and apparently drank a few times lightly in her third trimester (which if I remember correctly, is the worst time to drink at all).

Started a short regiment of detoxing with some spring water infused with lemon, lime, and cucumber, courtesy of Earth_Spirit, to help get the weed out of my system a bit faster so I'm not so anxious doing a drug test for a bigger department stores.

Muddling through...  I have a hard time doing so...So I might come back here occasionally crying all pathetic like looking for more encouragement to not give up.

I have to admit, doing things alone is exponentially harder for me than if I had someone to turn around to and talk with about the experience, even if just to vent..  The idea of being alone my whole life is kind of crippling, so I really need to stay away from those thoughts.

Its hard for me too. I always thought I was supposed to have been a twin growing up, I've joked even a conjoined twin would have been fine.   Likely it is a social memory complex thing hold over. However you can come here every day, and we will take your frayed nerves and put them back where they go.

Its hard for everyone though. I think Hollywood does a huge disservice portraying adult life/work as nontramatic. lol As you get older you see why everyone is so reactive, utilizing bad coping mechanisms(alcohol, affairs, manipulation, anger), most people are barely keeping it together.

I've known people for decades who made me feel defective because they had their $#it so together only to find out that behind closed doors they can barely function. I think that is partly why we are here. We go in "muddle through" do our best to be transparent, keep our light lit, bring that light among them.

It might be your path that when working you end up meeting those people or a person who makes you feel not alone. I mean don't count on it but its how most adult friendships are formed.

I met one of my immediate soul group through this business venture. I was 32 when I met him and had never met anyone who felt like home but he did/does. We have had a rocky rough connection that is teaching us both a lot about ourselves but to some degree we can vent and build each other up regarding the work stuff.

We discovered we had an opportunity to live in the same 200 people tiny small town when we were 17 so could have met then too but I had my Christ consciousness awakening at 17 so I was likely not ready for the awakening he triggered.

Anyways I'm off topic but the point was you are not alone, physically sure but we are here, and you never know what gifts(people or otherwise) will come along your path. Working together is a great was to build comradery and bond. You already know how to meditate so utilize that skill to not lose your cool when people behave without integrity at work. "Forgive them, they know not what they do" - big J

There's actually a study regards embryonic twins and how it affects the surviving embryo and thus fetus.  Since fertilized eggs sometimes divide into two separate entities formulating twins and one of them usually doesn't survive, the other retains this experience throughout their life.  You should see if your mother might have had potential for their to be twins cause you might be feeling that as one possible reason you feel those ways.  For me, I've felt more female than male since I can remember, to the point I was even embarrassed to get changed in a gym locker room in middle school because I didn't feel like I belonged there more so than any body shame.  I actually got written up for wearing my gym uniform under my clothes so I wouldn't have to change in front of others.  I didn't care, even when they forced me to call my mother and tell her what I was doing, I just looked at them like, 'why do you want me to get naked in front of other guys, what is wrong with you?'

I've noticed that almost everyone who is a worker has some kind of addiction or coping device.  I have a friend who's pretty much a full time worker and a COMPLETE recluse who only talks to me, or my/and his best friend, all he does is watch netflix, anime, porn, and play video games like he's not getting older.  He doesn't even try dating or going out to places anymore.  A lot of my coworkers at Einstein Bagels were drunks who's always be hung over when they came in.  Most people at McDonalds were complete weed addicts, they'd come in high, go home high, be late cause they're getting high, get high in their car in the parking lot, it's bad.  Circle K oddly enough had the most normal people I worked with, though they all were quirky and weird, or a hot girl cause my older married boss was a perverted disgusting person like that.

For a while, I did everything I could to please those bosses and coworkers, and for a while I was greatly appreciated for my hard work, then they just took it for granted, and then just stopped noticing and caring at all.

I have a very hard time losing my cool at random people, in many ways I treat others with more love and kindness than I do myself.  When I make calls to Customer Service the person on the other end usually end ends the call with a clear sounding smile on their end and a gentle grateful tone.  I used to apologize for my mother's behavior to retail clothing store workers when I'd go clothes shopping with my mom because she's just cruel and rude towards them as if it's default.  Back at Circle K, people LOVED me so much that when I got pulled over for making U-turn to head home the officer who pulled me over knew me and literally let me go without a second thought.  Sometimes people recognize me when I go out still to this day and they tell me they hate how I quit, because I was the only person in that place who seemed to give a crap about customers enough so to go out of my way to help them, whether it was checking security camera footage to see if they left something behind at the counter, or to going in the back to find items not stocked yet but shipped to us, to giving people free drinks if they come in looking depressed or are having a really bad day, and I'd usually know because I'd ask them and converse and not just be a robot.

In many ways, I miss that job because the opportunity to be of service was overflowing...And sometimes overwhelming.  One time, I had a woman walk in who was lost, she had wandered from Phoenix all the way down into Chandler and had no idea where she was going or where she even was.  I didn't ask questions as to how, she wasn't drunk or high, she was legitimately just lost, at 2 in the morning.

So, I gave her a free drink, let her sleep in my car, then drove her home up in phoenix after I got off work at 6am, she was quiet like she was terrified I was going to kidnap her, so I just talked to her, told her if I was in her position I'd want someone to help me, so I'm helping her, and she didn't seem to believe me until we got to her place.  She didn't even hug me or anything, just said thank you, and only thank you, and went along her way.

Another time, had a homeless lady come in, I gave her a free drink and some towels to use as pillows and told her to sleep in the back of the story where no one would notice her or bother her most likely.

AND ANOTHER TIME when it began pouring outside around 1am, a guy who was sleeping in the rocks came running in, another homeless man on a bike rode in, and ANOTHER person who was walking came in, I gave them all dry towels to dry off, and let them grab a coffee to warm up.

I'm no stranger to helping others, I'm more of a stranger to receiving help...  I'm no foreigner to forgiving people either, I'm more loving than I care to let out anymore, and in ways I'm too loving because I become hurt from being unable to help others, or from others not wanting my help.  You could say I need to balance the green chakra and only offer my loving service to those who ask, not everyone who appears in need.

I also give homeless people my spare change and a drink if I walk by them, back in Circle K I always gave them a drink and would even grab expired food that we took off that night (so it's not actually expired) and would give it to them.  Did the same with hot dogs I'd throw out.

I'm pretty amazing, it's probably why I'm in this situation, universe probably thinks I can handle it.

---

Jade, I just want you to know your tone comes off more motherly from a place of love than my own mother, if you don't mind, I'll regards you as a kind of spiritual mother.

With that said, I want to apologize, I got triggered and defensive, it very much sets me off when I'm told I don't contribute or do anything and I misinterpreted your post in saying that, I'm sorry.  Let me try again.

I clean the house to this day, I just don't do it every day like she wants.  I keep the kitchen clean, the living room clean, and since the guest bedroom is mostly empty I don't really worry about it.  I keep the backyard clean and the pool clean.  The only place that is somewhat really dusty and neglected is my room, mostly because I'm a messy liver, I'm what you'd call a messy organized, my room represents this totally.  I'm everywhere but somehow oriented, messy but tidy, pretty paradoxical in some ways.  As for upstairs and her bedroom, I don't touch that place.  I keep the bathroom clean (though I could clean it more often...), the ONLY thing I'd say I neglect cleaning wise is the tile floors.  And that is ONLY because she expects me to get on hands and knees and clean the entire bottom floor with a scrub brush, or if not that to use a chlorine bucket with ammonia and water in it and a dirty dry-rotting mop.  I'll sweep them, but there's no way in hell I'm taking a hand-sized brush to them.  On top of that I take care of the outside, trim the plants, I should really get back into watering the Lantanas out front and the rail cacti.  I cut the palm trees, I trim the aloes, I cut the desert grass...  Like...I do more than enough considering how she says I do nothing, Jade.  Just because I don't meet her stringent versions of clean doesn't mean I'm neglecting my living space, with the exception being under my bed.  I'm sure there's a dust bun-- monster under there right now lol...

I feel somewhat disturbed by the thought of being...  Infantalized.  That oddly mimics what Earth Spirit said a while back, it's really freaky how synchronistic it is you said that because it's a multi-tiered sync, which I haven't had since 2014.  On one tier there's E_S saying this is what (some) women do to their children to make them dependent upon them, and then now you're echoing this sentiment to me.  Freaaakky, wait, WAIT--
Spoo-o-o-okyy-y-y-y-y lol.

Still, point taken, just glad I don't have an age-play fetish from it or anything super embarrassing like that.  I'll have to make efforts to not be swayed and moved by her interactions.

Again, I got triggered at your post from misunderstanding, I'm sorry about that. Pull the bandaid away~

My issues with the Law of One as I've said elsewhere is simply put, many of it does not align with the concept of a caring universe, or a loving creation or creator.  A good portion of it in fact speaks about metaphysical issues and concepts in polarity related to the negative polarity, many portions can arguably be called 'detuned' and the entire back story behind the Ra Material's creation is somewhat obscured and shrouded in a suspicious way.  Overall, I'd say there's a noticeable 'spiritual elitism' that it rubs off on people.  Suddenly we're 'higher' and 'wanderers' and 'different' from the '3D/Real World'.  It's a perfect molding for someone to put their self into and say 'I know this, I am better' without ever needing to actually say such.  It's a subtle thing, and it hasn't escaped my notice, in many ways I struggled recognizing it for a while after joining this forum but then one day it just clicked between the insults some throw like 'yer sts!' and opinions held as truths such as how polarity works and opinions towards things associated with the Law of One.  We're a quiet elitism club, some pick up on it as sexism, others see it as inactivity, and others only notice it in the moderators, but overall while we're so open, we're still very closed as a community, and I would argue that this is because no one actually understand the Law of One as it was intended to be understood, rather we all took it away with interpretations and twists on it.  Like I myself for instance struggle with catalyst and polarity concepts because in the 'grand scheme' of them in my mind, the overall image conceived is closer to an indifferent universe teaching people like God taught Jobe in the Bible, I'm not cool with that because it doesn't sound right.  Or for instance the archetypes, it's even said by Ra, and I'm paraphrasing, that the Archetypes hold the potential to disintegrate the personality complex if incorrectly used.  I'm experienced that SLIGHTLY, and it completely put a massive crack in the mirror that was my shadow self, so that even Love can't fix what's been destroyed so finely.

Overall, the material also posits that we're all responsible for ourselves outside of discarnation for the choices we made while discarnate, and while this sounds somewhat proper, it sounds off, and overall I'd argue that the overgeneralized nature of many of Ra's answers has allowed their words to be skewed into it's own theology for many and it's own philosophy for many.  They told me to let go of the pieces that didn't fit, that I was stumbling over, such as in my case, polarity and catalyst, so that's what I did.  So when people bring it up to me, all I can think is, 'You don't know what you're talking about, and honestly, neither do I, we just think we do.' And I discard it as I was asked to do.  You can talk about it with me all you want, just realize in the areas of choice/responsibility, polarity, and catalyst, I feel the material is not accurate to the actual reality at hand, but reflects it closely with some well placed subtle slants in areas to lead some people down the messed up roads to madness like the one I was taking trying to make sense of how polarity and catalyst as they're given aren't contradictions to a loving creator.  I couldn't do it, it filled me with hatred and rage, I let it go and have been healing since.

Call me selfish, call me elitist, call me whatever you want, I believe in the Law of One, just not in the same way it seems most others do, and honestly, it's been working for me slowly.  I'm pretty sensitive to energies and people are blinded by the overall purity of light the Ra Material offers enough so to not notice the little blip of darkness sitting behind the light waiting to be let in alongside that light.  And while I don't think discarnate entities such as 4D negative astral beings are actively filling every person's head with bad thoughts, I do believe that it's possible, but not as prevalent as it was made to sound like, in such a way that others have said 'help me a negative entity is filling my head with bad things'.  All I see in that situation is someone who's mind has been twisted to not even recognize it's own thoughts.  That's more dark and effective than any thought insertion a 4D negative entity might perform and it's happening merely because someone read the Law of One.

You have to remember, here in 3D we cannot discern light from dark, dark is light but we see darkness anyways, and light in another perspective is dark and we just don't experience it that way, everything we experience here should be taken with a grain of salt, ESPECIALLY metaphysically heavily oriented information such as the Ra Material mostly offers.  Basically, if it feels right, it's worth considering, but the moment it effects you negatively in a lasting way, is the moment it should be discarded.

I love the Law of One very much, I won't give up because I sense some darkness in it.  In a way, I'd think any united 6D being has their feet (or 'light') in the darkness as well just as a matter of 'Unity', it doesn't surprise me there's darkness in the Ra Material, what does surprise me is everyone's reluctance to point it out.

That's my ONLY issue with the Law of One, beyond that I am greatly depressed by the fact I haven't had anyone to talk to about it in person...

...I can only imagine my word count on B4 LOL...  Lol...  Eh...  I didn't mean to be insulting towards you Jade, I'm sorry about that again...A-again.  I find sometimes discussing spirituality can be greatly distressing for me, stringently upsetting, puts me on edge because in my understanding, a large portion of spirituality includes many, what I see as excuses, to reasons why humanity is used like puppets and vehicles for soul learning, I am greatly disturbed by the manner of which Humanity is used and viewed from an afterlife perspective.  The detachment of souls from this place has clearly been a hand in why 3D is so screwed up and filled with what Ra called, 'insanity'.  WE created this, and WE, ARE responsible for it, however others don't seem to take that in as seriously as I do.  I am greatly distraught at the very idea that I personally helped create 3D, helped make this suffering possible, choose it even.  As a human I am so distraught by it I actually fear my own soul and the afterlife because I know when I die, I as Joseph am disappearing into nothing but a memory for some soul to use for it's own selfish learning at the expense of a decent life on my part.  How many lives are miserable and horrible because a soul choose to experience it without consideration for the being they'd be inhabiting/being?  So, then on top of this all, there's the anger deep down at 3D, at how it is, at the Universe/Myself for being okay with all of this.  I just don't see the reason when the Law of One itself posits that the only real reason is the perpetuation of the same thing in 'new' ways.

82.10 Questioner: Why does this partaking in the original thought have a gradient radially outward? That’s the way I understand your statement.

Ra: I am Ra. This is the plan of the One Infinite Creator. The One Original Thought is the harvest of all previous, if you would use this term, experience of the Creator by the Creator. As It decides to know Itself It generates Itself into that plenum, full of the glory and the power of the One Infinite Creator which is manifested to your perceptions as space or outer space. Each generation of this knowing begets a knowing which has the capacity, through free will, to choose methods of knowing Itself. Therefore, gradually, step by step, the Creator becomes that which may know Itself, and the portions of the Creator partake less purely in the power of the original word or thought. This is for the purpose of refinement of the one original thought. The Creator does not properly create as much as It experiences Itself.

With this 'plan of the One Infinite', I see no actual reason for anything except 'because my godly highest selves want to experience themselves' at the complete disregard for the entities they spawn and produce and their whims and sensations.  Human's are cannon fodder for spiritual evolution.  How many other 3D races are the same?  The possibility is literally limitless and that kind of freaks me out that they'd be fine with using me for their own spiritual gain.

Jeez, I can just imagine how messed up I'll be when I die and return, all these things I've said, I wonder how they will effect me as a soul.  I personally hope I don't do this anymore, this incarnation dealio, not if it's going to always be like this.  If human's were aware of how they were being used, would they participate consciously in this '3D game'?

...I'm glad you don't see any 'mental issues' that need special handling, but you've never seen me just shut down and walk away from someone without care for the responsibilities being left behind.  You didn't see me stunned when my ex called to break up with me and you didn't see how passive and submissive I became in that shock, just willing to let her take my son away.  That's an issue to me.  That if I reach a point, and it's sometimes a shallow one, where I shut down, give up, stop trying, surrender, break, and whatnot is to me a serious concern.  I have so little motivation and desire, I'm very low energy and in many ways I'd rather just roll over, be a doormat, and die, than struggle against some of the things I feel I must struggle against.  Still though, I'm not completely those ways.  Like I don't roll over for my mother anymore or for cruel employers, I don't put up with downright cruelty to myself or people who negate me anymore.  I just know that...I'm somehow different and I need to find out what is going to work for me and not drive me to roll over and die via suicide before meeting the catalyst I can see oncoming.

I remember as a child I had this...Memory in my head of some rule, and it was a simple one, 'Don't kill yourself, it's against the rules'.  It kept me pretty stable all the way up until my ex stonewalled me from my son.  Still, now that I know the Law of One and the whole 'after-the-fact' dealio, I'm pretty sure suicide is a SERIOUS concern in my life for me to have come into life with that memory already there.

So, yes, I need to find what works for me because I...I don't know what the term is, spiritually?  Emotionally?  I just can't handle muddling through, in many ways the backwards ways of reality make muddling through only exist because it's all backwards and demands we basically work against a permanent back flow of insanity, while being demanded to stay sane.  I'm resilient but only of mind, when it comes to body, I'm extremely fragile.  I hardly wear jeans because the material is so uncomfortable, my body is stupidly sensitive and if it's miserable, my mind is miserable, and if THAT'S miserable, I'm in serious trouble because I do shut down totally and get lost and stuck in looped circular thoughts that I have no will or motivation to struggle against.

So, doing everything alone...Is dangerous for me.  I need some emotional support.  I need some mental support.  I need some spiritual support.  I can't say if I know or not if I need physical support, but I have to say working out sounds much more viable and enjoyable being done with a friend than alone, but that's not as immediately important as needing others to help me stay oriented inside of my own mind and not just disappear to sleep and become lost and stuck.

I actually have come to thoroughly enjoy hand washing dishes and mopping floors, as well as dusting with a feather duster (a decent one, not a crappy cheap one that makes more of a mess than it cleans). I enjoy brushing the pool walls and floor.  Cleaning is nice.  What isn't nice is doing it all then being told I did nothing at all.  It really messes with your head after 10 years of hearing it...

It's sad but accurate to say I am punishing myself, I guess...  I've felt like I deserve to suffer sometimes, and perhaps this is manifested concurrently...I don't know what to do about that, I don't even know from where such desires come from except my perceptions of having failed my Son, and really that may be all that those feelings stem from.  I can't describe even in 100,000 words the feelings I feel for having a son and not being there for him in any way or sense.  It's probably the most painful thing in my life that is occurring and will be occurring for the rest of my life possibly.  I failed my son, I'm like my Father, in those lights, I hate myself and don't care much for my life because I think I deserve to be homeless and a failure for bringing a life into the world only to be unable to nurture or care for it or help it get through life, help it handle life, teach it, love it, I failed.  I really failed, and I don't feel like that's something I'm ready to let go of yet.  I always wanted a family, and now that I have one, I don't have one.  Not much more to say than I failed, and that's that.  Whatever comes of it, I accept, because I don't feel like I should get a say when I can't even take care of my son.  In a way I'm just glad I don't have a daughter, I've always wanted a daughter, I even tell myself if I ever have a daughter my life will change to support hers to the end of my days.  I don't know why the sex difference matters so much to me, I've just always wanted a daughter since the moment I understood I could have kids as a kid myself, I thought to myself, and it's pretty vivid a memory, "I'd want a daughter if I could choose."

Yes sempai~, I shall meditate.  Yet another activity I wish I could do with friends side by side but overall meditation for me is always such an interesting experience.  My mind is...Incredible.  Sitting still and letting it just be creates such interesting experiences.  I typically end up having auditory hallucinations that throw me out of meditations though.  I'll never forget the first time I ever heard a voice in meditation.  I was 16, in my bedroom laying down on my bed on top of all the covers and pillows, trying to cultivate my mind to better communicate with, of all things, a sexual spirit (specifically a succubus lol...)  I laid there for what felt like 5 hours just still and silent, when suddenly a feminine almost synthesized sounding voice spoke and said 'No Repair' and to this day I have NO IDEA what it means lol, or if it even means No Repair or No Re-Pair.  I wonder if that makes me a prime subject for channeling, easily experiencing auditory experiences in meditation.

I'm actually aware of that 'honor/duty' and in a way it was my self-perception at being unable to be responsible enough to be a healer that was the ultimate resolution to my coming to believe I was literally in hell.  It took me simply realizing that I didn't at the time have what it took to be a Healer to bring my vibration so far down as to think and believe I was in hell.

Jade, your tone sounds to me like the tone of a mother who cares and is trying to get through to a troubled child.  I thank you for your 'harsh' (Loving) words.  It's actually kind of...Nice because I've never known that kind of tone...

If I might correct a misunderstanding.  The compost pile out front was originally mine, and it was not a pile.  I was going to take the wood from my old bed frame, since it's been polished with lacquer or something that makes it somewhat water resistant, and turn those pieces into a Compost Bin.  When I told my mother this, she made it abundantly clear that I wouldn't be doing that, then grabbed a chlorine bucket and said to throw everything in it.  I told her that's disgusting because all the chlorine that's leeched into the plastic will get into the compost and hence all over any food we grow, she told me I was overreacting and then told me she had 'better ideas' for a garden and pretty much yoinked right out of my control MY PROJECT to start MY GARDEN.  A year later after the chlorine bucket was filled with compost, she threw it all out when I reminded her I thought it was gross because of the chlorine leeching.  She listened that time for some reason.  Then from there she pretty much just began throwing everything she THOUGHT was compostable into a trash pile on top of the dirt where the garden would be.  This included things like BONES and MUSCLE SHELLS, she doesn't crush the egg shells and throws coffee filters on top so the wind blows them into the pool.

I know how to compost, I'm aware of even the need for a carbon/nitrogen mixture depending on what I'm going to try and grow and what is carbon and what is nitrogen in terms of composting materials.  The problem is everything I do, she takes over away from me and then screws all up.  Right now in my backyard I have basically a landfill that she thinks is a 'compost pile'.  And I don't know what to do about it anymore!  My neighbors have these beautiful tomato plants growing over our 6 foot tall backyard wall...  I have a garbage pile...

In FACT, just yesterday she swept up a good portion of fallen flowers from our southern neighbors bushes that grow over the wall, those ARE PRIME PEEERFFEEEEECT compost material, she threw it all into the black garbage bin.  It composted so quickly the inside of the bin was dripping with moisture.  I was going to sweep up all of that stuff and compost it, she did it before me and threw it all away even though I TOLD HER I'm going to USE THOSE for the compost.

So, Jade, I tried looking at her and saying I want it to be 'my' garden, for only me to work on, she strong-armed me saying it's her house, her property, and HER garden.

So, now I don't touch it, if it's her's she can take care of it.  Instead of a garden, she's turned into a garbage pile, an apt metaphor regards her personality if you ask me...

And I don't know what to do about it.

Leaving isn't possible short-term it feels right now but only because I lack the money.

Could one of you guys reiterate on the dangers of sharing a bank account with a friend and how it might affect their finances tax wise?  I don't want to screw over any of my friends from their kindness.

[Aion]

Have you noticed how you are completely aware of your issues and at numerous times point out things you 'know' you need to do for yourself that you feel would make improvements, and yet, the cycle seems to perpetuate? It kind of blows my mind, to be honest. Not just you but I know others who are so perceptive and able to dissect their own selves and life around them but they cannot for the life of them see the forest for the trees, the solutions that they present to themselves. I used to be just like this until I kind of snapped and realized how much I was lying to myself.

[Jade]

If you'd like to meditate with other people, there are two weekly meditations in the chatroom that you are more than welcome to join.

I also bet that if you went to meetup.com you would find a plethora of spiritual/meditation groups that meet in your area. In fact, I did a search, and it actually exceeds my wildest expectations: https://www.meetup.com/topics/meditation.../chandler/

Otherwise, try to do it every morning when you wake up. I try to - I don't always succeed (if I don't make it in the morning it gets pushed to afternoon/evening) but I find the morning, starting the day off with a mood, is very productive.

[smc]

Late here must zzzzzzz

but

I'm exhausted from only reading the first quarter of your recent reply post... (let alone the waaaay 'too much personal info' sharing about porn and weed!) (*eeeeeouwww*)

I'd like to say (with a kind energy) - that maybe you might benefit from looking at just how enormously much 'talk' you've engaged in (like I was pointing out)... when what you and us all, have identified is that it's NOW time to put all the energy you use for that constant talk and analysis into ACTION !! 0_0

weed is a serious sedative.... sex addiction is an energy thief too - and at the rate you're "using" no wonder you have no energy!

I feel like I'm soon going to need to back away - I'm getting irked by having to repeat advice that' only met with talk and no 'walk'...

it'd be great if you show this to be wrong... but of course you need to go at the pace right for you - just be aware that the longer you hold to a habit the stronger it forms... if you were in a great life the issue of your addictions would still need confronting (imo) but at least you'd be independent financially and logistically.

When I keep deferring things I need to do, I remind myself of past times that procrastination has cost me and put me into a world of oppression and pain... it gets me off the couch fast - but I had to learn the most hard - by nearly dying - that's why I posted the 'Life in 5 chapters' by Portia...

what needs fixing - that we ignore/postpone - will come to bite us far harder the longer we leave it. Life starts the teaching with a whisper of what's wrong - and each time increases the volume to get through to us - don't let the message become a scream. You're still young - you have time to avoid disaster. Change sooner because the longer you leave it the more difficult it becomes.


That you smoke weed will make taking action even more difficult - I didn't have the actual energy to change my life till I stopped drowning in drinking....

and that first 12 months sober I was still living in a situation of severe psychological threat/fear/stress already with PTSD from earlier violence in my life (!)

there's a big difference between a relaxing occasional glass of wine/shared joint with a friend or partner on a weekend in your own place after a good meal and a happy productive week, all bills paid, no-one arguing or bossing you around; than the addiction you've got and the environment you're trying to block out with a weed/sex addiction. I see you analyse the destructiveness of sex addiction ... and you raise critical points... there's extreme toxicity in this area and you're psychically, psychologically embroiled with dark phenomena and blunting your sexuality, feelings around pleasure, emotions around loving, etc

but as I said I couldn't finish your reply - I hope you stop posting here and (imo) revelling in the analysis of all this - write a list of practical steps, put down your joint (and your dick 0_0)

and TAKE ACTION TO LIBERATE YOURSELF


I look forward to you setting up a blog or similar on B4 with daily 'check ins of positive actions you're taking and we can give support to changes you're making... and help brainstorm more practical help...

I will read the rest of your reply tomorrow... but seriously - until you change things - most of your posting (analysing your life over and over) is redundant

[earth_spirit]

-----

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Have you noticed how you are completely aware of your issues and at numerous times point out things you 'know' you need to do for yourself that you feel would make improvements, and yet, the cycle seems to perpetuate? It kind of blows my mind, to be honest. Not just you but I know others who are so perceptive and able to dissect their own selves and life around them but they cannot for the life of them see the forest for the trees, the solutions that they present to themselves. I used to be just like this until I kind of snapped and realized how much I was lying to myself.

I realize I'm like a dog chasing my tail, I wouldn't be here saying 'help me stop chasing my tail, damn it there it is, TAAILLL, COME HEEERE' if I hadn't.

Also I don't fully understand what you mean, could you enunciate or specify for me?

If you'd like to meditate with other people, there are two weekly meditations in the chatroom that you are more than welcome to join.

I also bet that if you went to meetup.com you would find a plethora of spiritual/meditation groups that meet in your area. In fact, I did a search, and it actually exceeds my wildest expectations: https://www.meetup.com/topics/meditation.../chandler/

Otherwise, try to do it every morning when you wake up. I try to - I don't always succeed (if I don't make it in the morning it gets pushed to afternoon/evening) but I find the morning, starting the day off with a mood, is very productive.

I would love to.  I just seem to always miss it from forgetting or sleeping.  I came close to making a thread to invite others to meditate with me but considering how inactive B4 usually is when I'm personally on or when I choose to meditate just kind of felt like I'd be asking the wind.

I'll see about your other advice though.  I'd like to actually have a quiet place to meditate that isn't a car or some place with headphones in.  Still, I try, just hard sometimes.

Late here must zzzzzzz

but

I'm exhausted from only reading the first quarter of your recent reply post... (let alone the waaaay 'too much personal info' sharing about porn and weed!) (*eeeeeouwww*)

I'd like to say (with a kind energy) - that maybe you might benefit from looking at just how enormously much 'talk' you've engaged in (like I was pointing out)... when what you and us all, have identified is that it's NOW time to put all the energy you use for that constant talk and analysis into ACTION !! 0_0

weed is a serious sedative.... sex addiction is an energy thief too - and at the rate you're "using" no wonder you have no energy!

I feel like I'm soon going to need to back away - I'm getting irked by having to repeat advice that' only met with talk and no 'walk'...

it'd be great if you show this to be wrong... but of course you need to go at the pace right for you - just be aware that the longer you hold to a habit the stronger it forms... if you were in a great life the issue of your addictions would still need confronting (imo) but at least you'd be independent financially and logistically.

When I keep deferring things I need to do, I remind myself of past times that procrastination has cost me and put me into a world of oppression and pain... it gets me off the couch fast - but I had to learn the most hard - by nearly dying - that's why I posted the 'Life in 5 chapters' by Portia...

what needs fixing - that we ignore/postpone - will come to bite us far harder the longer we leave it. Life starts the teaching with a whisper of what's wrong - and each time increases the volume to get through to us - don't let the message become a scream. You're still young - you have time to avoid disaster. Change sooner because the longer you leave it the more difficult it becomes.


That you smoke weed will make taking action even more difficult - I didn't have the actual energy to change my life till I stopped drowning in drinking....

and that first 12 months sober I was still living in a situation of severe psychological threat/fear/stress already with PTSD from earlier violence in my life (!)

there's a big difference between a relaxing occasional glass of wine/shared joint with a friend or partner on a weekend in your own place after a good meal and a happy productive week, all bills paid, no-one arguing or bossing you around; than the addiction you've got and the environment you're trying to block out with a weed/sex addiction. I see you analyse the destructiveness of sex addiction ... and you raise critical points... there's extreme toxicity in this area and you're psychically, psychologically embroiled with dark phenomena and blunting your sexuality, feelings around pleasure, emotions around loving, etc

but as I said I couldn't finish your reply - I hope you stop posting here and (imo) revelling in the analysis of all this - write a list of practical steps, put down your joint (and your dick 0_0)

and TAKE ACTION TO LIBERATE YOURSELF


I look forward to you setting up a blog or similar on B4 with daily 'check ins of positive actions you're taking and we can give support to changes you're making... and help brainstorm more practical help...

I will read the rest of your reply tomorrow... but seriously  - until you change things - most of your posting (analysing your life over and over) is redundant

I can agree, it's why I haven't watched any pornographic content with one exception (being pixel art porn to get an idea of anatomy in pixelation), and yesterday was my last day for weed for a while.  I don't understand the stigma with talking.  If you don't want me to express my problems in an honest open attempt to see them and get feedback from them, then I won't.

I'm going as best I can, for what I've been given, I'm faulty like the rest.  Please don't shame me or my artistic tastes.

That 'pornography' belongs to one of the greatest pixel artists out there, who isn't afraid of using male and female forms in his works:



A naked body does not mean Pornography...  A naked female form is NOT pornographic.  Please don't call me gross, I find it kind of unfair to immediately call my taste in an art form pornographic because there was a female form scantily clad or animated provocatively as it's subject matter.  Pornographic imagery is very clearly pornographic, nudity is not pornographic.

Some more works by that same artist:








It's not pornographic, it's an art form.

I'll never understand the issues with the human form.  Just because an image contains a naked form in it doesn't make it pornographic.  Sometimes, it's just art.

Either way, it's clear that people are sick of talking to me, so I'll just ask a mod to delete this thread. Thanks for the support, sorry to burden you all.

[Aion]

Ah that makes me think of Kings of Power 4,000,000,000%. I used to do spriting when I used to build games on RPG Maker, it's fun stuff and pretty much a dying art at this point. Good to see some are still using it for expression.

[smc]

I didn't think what you posted (art wise) was porn - though there are some major objectifications of the female form there...

also - I'm not 'telling you off'  I'm saying it how I see 'it'... things in moderation is my point

- smoking weed regularly and masturbating up to 7 times a day is a severe addiction, taking time, physical and psychic energy, and focus from all the of things you need to do to get away from an abusive environment

wallowing in metaphysical analysis and saying you're "not ready" (you'll never be "ready" - btw) is useless...

and, re your son - really - you don't have the luxury of taking your time to get your s*** together.. .

he's GROWING UP WITHOUT YOU.... become a father he can want to know

get it together for him if not for you!

when you reach out here, you involve our hearts and minds with caring about you and we give our time freely and make effort to think about how to help you....

you (and ES) declared a sort of 'state of emergency' regarding your home life and now you're rambling on about being supposedly told off about porn and posting more (cute/clever) animation art... like  - get it together... have some respect for yourself and for us helping (trying to)...

it feels like you're absorbing peoples energy when we make efforts to reply just to keep you in your holding pattern - arguing for your limitations - and now you become all defensive and self involved

instead of TAKING ACTION TO LIBERATE YOURSELF