09-06-2012, 11:18 AM
My name is Nina and I've been reading a lot of threads on this website. I've finally decided to share my story because I feel I am in need of some assistance to further understand my purpose here on earth. I have read the Ra materials and it has been very inspiring.
For as far back as I can remember I have taken care of everyone. Even when I was an infant I was taken to the doctors because I never cried. My parents thought of my as a very strange child because I never asked for anything. By the time I was 5 I felt a sense of duty to those around me. When they cried I cried when they were upset I was upset. I could never separate who I am from other people. As I grew older it became harder to deal with because I started to develop a lot of indecisive tendencies. If you asked me what my favorite food was I'd say everything. If you asked me what I like to watch I'd say anything. No one really understood that I was everything because I am apart of everything. I also started to develop certain fears because of how sensitive I am to the world. My parents looked upon my sensitivity as a weakness which resulted in a lot of punishments. I have a younger sister who was really feisty. If she hit me I would just cry. I'm not a violent person. I hate negativity and I'm often angry at myself for being angry.
My duty of serving others knew no bounds. I was the parent in my family. I took care of everyone and everything because that is what I love to do. It became hard for me to tell if I was. Ring taken advantage of because I never meant any harm to anyone.
During college I had several nervous breakdowns and I'm often filled with anxiety. I would see things. Sometimes I couldn't tell the different between a human being and someone who was not of this earth. I would wake up with scratcheds all over my body. I've had a lot of outer body experiences, my dreams became scary because some nights I would have Positive encounters with entities and other nights I was petrified of the things I felt. I have negativity within me from all of my hurt that I have experienced but I love all regardless. When I tried seeking help they labeled me crazy. (you can't really tell a psychiatrist you have the ability to see things otherwise you're given medication and labeled crazy).
I am no 24 working at a temp job, can't afford to pursue my masters or do anything that makes me happy except reading, I love to read and I crave knowledge and growth. The problem I'm having is that I doubt my purpose here. Am I supposed to be everyone's doormat while they have no regard for my feelings or care how I'm doing. I guess my question is how do I maintain a balance of harmony when my current living situation is so destructive.
I've been told by many spiritual people that I have an important job to do on earth. Even in meditation I feel it. I feel the reassurance that I am a good person but sometimes I am so hurt by everything. I go through bouts of frustration and anxiety. I don't belong here. I feel how different I am from others yet I'm just like them. At 24 I feel so old it's hard to explain its a mixture of joy and sorrow. It also doesn't help that I am very hard on myself and expect a lot from myself because people are constantly looking to me for wisdom and guidance. I don't know how to love myself without feeling so selfish for doing so. If I tell someone no and decide to do something for myself I feel guilt. I always put others first but the minute I think of myself I'm overwhelmed with guilt and remorse. I would also like to know how to meditate. Clearing my mind sometimes is hard to do because I am consumed with so much energy. It takes awhile for me to stop my eyes from vibrating and often times when I close my eyes I'm overwhelmed by negative faces and thoughts. Not all the time since I'm learning how to welcome negativity with love. I'm just confused and lost and I feel I'm too young of a person to feel such heart ache for people. How am I supposed to help? What am I supposed to do? How do I stand up for myself without hurting others.
I apologize for all the questions. I'm happy to have come across this website that is filled with loving people.
Thank you for your time.
For as far back as I can remember I have taken care of everyone. Even when I was an infant I was taken to the doctors because I never cried. My parents thought of my as a very strange child because I never asked for anything. By the time I was 5 I felt a sense of duty to those around me. When they cried I cried when they were upset I was upset. I could never separate who I am from other people. As I grew older it became harder to deal with because I started to develop a lot of indecisive tendencies. If you asked me what my favorite food was I'd say everything. If you asked me what I like to watch I'd say anything. No one really understood that I was everything because I am apart of everything. I also started to develop certain fears because of how sensitive I am to the world. My parents looked upon my sensitivity as a weakness which resulted in a lot of punishments. I have a younger sister who was really feisty. If she hit me I would just cry. I'm not a violent person. I hate negativity and I'm often angry at myself for being angry.
My duty of serving others knew no bounds. I was the parent in my family. I took care of everyone and everything because that is what I love to do. It became hard for me to tell if I was. Ring taken advantage of because I never meant any harm to anyone.
During college I had several nervous breakdowns and I'm often filled with anxiety. I would see things. Sometimes I couldn't tell the different between a human being and someone who was not of this earth. I would wake up with scratcheds all over my body. I've had a lot of outer body experiences, my dreams became scary because some nights I would have Positive encounters with entities and other nights I was petrified of the things I felt. I have negativity within me from all of my hurt that I have experienced but I love all regardless. When I tried seeking help they labeled me crazy. (you can't really tell a psychiatrist you have the ability to see things otherwise you're given medication and labeled crazy).
I am no 24 working at a temp job, can't afford to pursue my masters or do anything that makes me happy except reading, I love to read and I crave knowledge and growth. The problem I'm having is that I doubt my purpose here. Am I supposed to be everyone's doormat while they have no regard for my feelings or care how I'm doing. I guess my question is how do I maintain a balance of harmony when my current living situation is so destructive.
I've been told by many spiritual people that I have an important job to do on earth. Even in meditation I feel it. I feel the reassurance that I am a good person but sometimes I am so hurt by everything. I go through bouts of frustration and anxiety. I don't belong here. I feel how different I am from others yet I'm just like them. At 24 I feel so old it's hard to explain its a mixture of joy and sorrow. It also doesn't help that I am very hard on myself and expect a lot from myself because people are constantly looking to me for wisdom and guidance. I don't know how to love myself without feeling so selfish for doing so. If I tell someone no and decide to do something for myself I feel guilt. I always put others first but the minute I think of myself I'm overwhelmed with guilt and remorse. I would also like to know how to meditate. Clearing my mind sometimes is hard to do because I am consumed with so much energy. It takes awhile for me to stop my eyes from vibrating and often times when I close my eyes I'm overwhelmed by negative faces and thoughts. Not all the time since I'm learning how to welcome negativity with love. I'm just confused and lost and I feel I'm too young of a person to feel such heart ache for people. How am I supposed to help? What am I supposed to do? How do I stand up for myself without hurting others.
I apologize for all the questions. I'm happy to have come across this website that is filled with loving people.
Thank you for your time.
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