so many VOICES!, how do I serve the Creator best?

[Confused]

Do you care ?

I care, but with a qualifier. I should also be able to partake of the joy in creation at all times, which involves the integrity of my body, mind and spirit. I cannot accept unwarranted pain for the sake of others or even for my own self, like some of the great martyrs of compassion that we know.

Difficult to put in words as to what I feel on the subject of whether the One Infinite Creator cares. I, at the moment, feel there is injustice at the core of creation itself, which, I think, translated into the archetype of Envy.

I recently began the work of exploring my subconscious and find that dark power called Envy, which I have always held in me throughout life. I never was a spectacular person in terms of worldly achievements or recognition and still am not, which makes me resentful of the success of others. However, I used to pride myself on my sense of morality or what we call the 'holier than thou' attitude. That was pulled conclusively away from me as my family descended into chaos and I chose to use violent forceful behavior. My violent behaviors and attitudes has given me such a deep inferiority complex that I cannot look into the eyes of another person without strong stirring unease within me. Probably, those dark emotions in me have colluded to create the reality of the difficult fate of this life.

Back to the subject at hand -- at times, I feel like a slave to the One Infinite Creator, as there is no way of 'it' not being served by me. It is served whatever I do or whatever is done to me. I am not able to accept that, as that very thought spreads a map of the full range of human atrocities before the eye of my mind. All this for the One Infinite Creator to learn!! I choose to not serve the One Infinite Creator. But that is not valid in the scheme of creation, is it?

Incidentally, sometimes, to me, it feels that the very problem with free will is that it is free.

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My greatest fear/frustration is that whether the ultimate that we term as the One Infinite Creator even cares?

There is a very easy way to know. If you care then it does. The Creator acts on Earth through us.

Agreed. But why does the One Infinite Creator have to be partly and brutally sadomasochistic in the whole process as well is my greatest irritation.