My Heart's Own Devices

[Brittany]

I think I know what you are saying, Shemaya. Polarity is hard for me. It is easier without it, but here we have to follow it, and making that commitment has been hard for me. I've realized I'm afraid of the massive responsibility that comes with Choosing. I'm afraid parts of myself will be ripped away, but then I realize that's because I've forgotten the true nature of my Self. This personality and all its biases and preferences is just the smallest fragment of my I AM.

I know that there is gain in the odd path I have walked. I took on particularly hard lessons in this lifetime- a balancing act that has led for the most part to a life of imbalance. But as the smoke clears I feel I have a firmer foundation under my feet than when I started out Through foolishness I gain wisdom. Through fear I have learned Love. The light is never so beautiful as when beheld by eyes that have seen in darkness. Due to my empathic nature I have always had a compassionate heart, but now there is a greater appreciation and understanding of Love in its true nature.

Now there are just those emotional complex things like pride and insecurity to deal with. I have always been my own worst critic, and while I can forgive mass murderers, forgiving myself for even the slightest misstep often seems like an impossible feat.

I've realized that I have the chance to deliver something beautiful to other people, not just through my own experience, but through Adam's words, which have helped a lot of people already. I have realized now how close I was coming to completely sabotaging that contact- to replacing Adam with something not of the shadow which defines the light, but something that simply dwells in darkness with no regard for it. If not for the tremendous love and devotion (and flabbergasting magical capability) of the rest of the group, my work in that area would likely have quietly drowned itself. When one begins to channel, they are responsible for living all that they say, or they discredit themselves and their work. I don't know how to handle people looking up to me in such a way, and having every aspect of my life under observance has frightened me near to death. Realizing how blatantly I have been flirting with utter disaster fills me with a shame that is hard to swallow. I fear for my reputation. I fear that I will say something sub-par and cause others to suffer as well. I fear that I've already done too much and it will never be the same again.

A lot of times I wish I had waited instead of going public with my very first individual channeling work. It is a process that takes years to refine, and I don't think it is ever perfected. Giving my own contact instead of piggybacking onto someone else's group is an entirely different experience, and it has been a severe learning process. I realize now how much of my own personality has shown through some of Adam's words, and how much work I have left to do in making myself transparent in the channeling process. My goal is to simply be the microphone the speaker talks through, allowing the message to come through completely pure and undistorted, but Carla has been channeling for over 30 years now and even she feels that she still has work to do in this area. There is always room for improvement.

But in spite of all that, I feel that Adam's message has been growing much clearer in the past several sessions. I am honing my tuning process and crystallizing my vibration and attempting to let as much of that undistorted light in as possible. I was shocked when the full amount of Love they possess hit me head on for the first time. At the time, a part of me even felt a bit disappointed. Were they just another fluffy entity giving the same message that a million others have given? But that was my own inner distortion- my own confusion within the darkness. For some reason I couldn't handle the fact that Adam is in fact the piercing Light of truth, if I will just polish my lens up enough to let it shine through. I think the next sessions to come up are going to be big ones, breaking down a lot of walls. I am simply afraid to leave myself before the understanding and forgiveness of others. I want it all to be perfect NOW...a personality trait I have carried for numerous lifetimes, I think. But it's time to let go of that arrogance- that feeling that for some reason I should immediately be able to perform in superior ways when I am human just like everyone else.

Thanks to you all just for listening to me, and for your love and support. It's time to let go of this fear and this pain, because I know that we are all stepping into something wonderful and amazing.