My Heart's Own Devices

[Brittany]

I'm reachin' out for words when I can't feel my hands, into a primordial soup where the thoughts flow like sand, because tears aren't enough, and I can't take a stand with no cause to defend, with no words and no plan. I've got all of the fire but where is the direction? How do I smile for the world and then hate my reflection? I'm ripping out feelings and swallowing healings- I'm trying to run while my soul is still reeling from the pain and the shame and those things, all the same, things I can't even name while they drive me insane, and they rant and they rave, shouts from shadows and caves...the unending voices that cut down and calls names, and I'd like to shout DEMONS! and then beg to be saved, then I realize it's just my own mind playing games.

I stitched my heart closed then I ripped it all open, green light pouring out but I'm bleeding and chokin'. I keep climbing out then I keep crawling back. I forgive the whole world but can't cut myself slack when the black is a song and it pulls me along and I follow the music even though it feels wrong, but I just want to dance and to hide from the chance that I'll run into the Self I've kept hidden so long- that Self I've abused and that Self that I've used, the Self that wants to join one side and ends up on two...the self whose innocent face is so horribly bruised...can I look into those eyes and still have strength to Choose?

I see eyes lookin' up to me, and hands reaching out, and I want to save them all from their fear and their doubt, but what you're lacking within always shows up without, and how can I dare to lead others when the message I shout, it goes up and goes down and it swirls around town, and who I was yesterday's not who I am now, and tomorrow I could forget all the lessons I've learned, or run into the brick walls that always return, and my unstable mind might cause others to burn...so many things I drilled in that I need to unlearn.

How do I swallow my pride, reconcile all the lies that I told with my eyes for the ten billionth time? How do I come before people that I've come to despise and kneel down and fess up to my nebulous crimes? How do I bear the agony of "I was wrong, you were right"? How do I withstand the glare of my own judging eyes when the gaze is so piercing in the brightest of lights and there's nowhere to hide? I just want to forgive...am I dying inside?

I know that there's wisdom in the things that I've seen, in the paths that I've walked, in the wounds that still bleed, but where are the words and the cords and the seeds, to plant on new ground, to bind up and to speak? In All I see beauty and in All I see pain...in All I see nothing and in All I see gain. I could talk about any of All all the day, but without my head straight how much sense will I make? And there's ears ever listening, eyes still watching and waiting- there's seekers believing I've got something worth saying, and with trembling hands I keep taking the mic, praying to God and the Void I can say it all right.

I'm scared, unprepared in these lessons I share, yet there's no turning back- only faith and a dare...to believe there's more left of which I'm not aware...that there's things still inside me I have yet to share, that there's things that I'll see to reach things that I need, that there's still depths of strength left to help me to Be, and to stand up with courage and to Love and to speak, and somehow still wake up tomorrow as me. So I'll keep pushing forward and try not to look back, and reach out to others to help keep me on track...we'll walk it together as the sun sets and rises. I give all that I can to you...my heart's own devices.