Suicide

[AnthroHeart]

Back on October 28, 2011 I did contemplate it at one moment. I had spent most of my time building a universe within me that I very much loved. Then I lost control of it and truly thought I was being pulled into negative space, that I would be harvested negative.

I came to terms with that telling myself "that won't solve anything" and I demonstrated love by telling Ra that I would willingly go through the negative experience because I loved them that much. When I accepted my "fate" (being harvested negative for violating free will), the sensations eased. I was quite afraid because I thought I had violated the free will of my creation. I was emotionally hypersensitive, and it felt like the world around me was falling apart. I had already decided not to kill myself when the ambulance arrived to take me to the mental hospital. I still thought it was going to get worse as I felt like I was pulled more into negative space. I just accepted it because there wasn't physical pain, so I felt I could handle it.

It's one of those things where you think that the other people's job is to hurt you, but I loved enough to where I didn't freak out in the ambulance. I even thought them taking my blood pressure was a form of mild psychological torture. Only my love for others got me through it without breaking down. My solar plexus felt very dense, like a black hole, and I feared that because I remember how Ra says that the negative entities have an unusually dense solar plexus chakra.

Later after I had accepted it, it began to be fun. Because I felt now like I was fulfilling a purpose. Even when they put a catheter in me, I was laughing because I saw shapes of cute cartoon characters on the ceiling that weren't really there.