12-21-2011, 05:52 PM
Okay, so, I feel.... interesting.
I feel like I have been in THIS moment (as in, the moment I am in now) in the past and all of my past was just a sidetrack, a lie, or some kind of dream that I am now waking up from, at age 27, and I sort of feel like I was a child that dreamed the last 20 years because they would have been filled with such crap that the child wanted nothing to do with it.
Now that I am focusing again on what I WANT as a spiritual entity, my inner child comes back and screams with glee.
It is sort of "I want to hug that lady on the bus there, i want to talk with her, i want to hand this person my contact info, i want a connection with that, i want..." and so on.
I havent given into my "I want" personality for nearly 20 years and it literally feels like my heart chakra spinning open and marveling at everything.
It isnt a want that i would categorize as "I want that from out there to stop being out there as well and instead move to within me" (devour, i think)
More of a "Oh, The creation that this entity has made for itself looks marvelous and makes this creation that I have made for myself experience this, I dont know why but it makes me feel good! So, I will proceed towards that "good" feeling regardless of what it means."
This has resulted in me randomly giving away my possessions to people I meet and then just smiling as I walk around and talking to quite a few random nice people and complementing random things about them every day.
Sometimes I still get scare and fear for social acceptance as some acts would invariably cause a huge commotion.
Example of this would be the following:
I saw a fairly young girl (11-13) on a bus and instantly knew that she seeks the attention of older men who abuse her because her sex chakra is intensly open and this society in general does not tolerate women with open sex chakras, as any women probably knows. I felt a tug at my heart so that I should say to her that she doesnt need to do that, that the world is full of nice older men too. That there is no need to debase her for the amusement of others if she feels it is the only way to trade for something that she really wants, which is based on her energies, sex. That if she really is determined to do that then any relatively good psychcounselor or spiritual person can tell her simple pointers on how to separate those that seek to devour her energies from those that just enjoy being close to her energies.
It is something she would learn on her own but just the deep almost painful urge she had for the sexual approval of older men was such that I had to tell my heart that while I could say to her that I see it and then say that she doesnt need to seek it constantly would probably help her, it would not help her to do it in a public and potentially very scarring way.
While I did realise that just saying it to her would get quite a few very queer looks from others, the pain that she projected was so immense that literally it grabbed my heart and pulled me to the situation. I could walk away but only by saying that saying anything to her would be both too painful for me, and possibly, too public for her.
So i felt the energy go
and then dissipate and then she looked a bit sullen.
It is, in many ways, a huge burden to see jus thow much people hurt themselves and just how little they are really willing to heal themselves.
A another similar situation was a chick in a train reading a book that i bumped into and decided to randomly tell her that she looks pretty and has a nice smile, then i continued talking with my friend about metaphysics while most of the people on the train occasionally glanced at the two of us. She laughed and smiled and i could see from the corner of my eye that even whiel reading her book she couldnt help but have a little wiggle-smile on the corner of her mouth!
Made me feel happy!
Stuff like this, in general, is something I have utterly refused to do as I have considered self centered manipulation (I see what others want and return it via energy in a way that they want)
But that has changed. Only thing is that every now and then there ARE times that I could say something but let my fears or something stop me and then the whole situation goe sbad quickly.
Good example of this was making candles and failing and then becoming intensly angry with myself for a failure and proceeding to rip myself to shreds emotionally for it. Which is a echo from past failures, i think.
Also, on the downside, I cut like 15 cuts into my left calf/thigh for some reason repeating to myself "never ask for help, you'll never get it anyway, never ask for help, you're not worthy of it" and so on. I felt like I wanted to do it, didnt feel that painful when i did it nor did it provide the relief that it used to, it just felt like 5 seconds of "oooh yeah" then nothing, and i felt a bit silly about the whole thing. Then i proceeded to show it to one of my students/patients and explain that every human being has their own issues and no single authority no matter how good or bad by their subjective experience should EVER be trusted with everything. So always ground your personality in your concept of "I want X" so you can change it easily, and if you want to trust, then you can trust 100% but trust through yourself to others, not through the other self to you. So, build on your own desire and expand from there creatively, not from the otherself and from there in a re-creating way.
Make your own adventure, dont just live through the adventures of others. So dont idolize or mimic.
I FEEL i understand why i am here, and was here, and was there... and so on.
It is because as a child I decided to start manipulating others and myself for some reason. Best explanation I can give is a sense of wanting to help other sby becoming more like the image of what others want of me, and through that becoming what the strongest image wants of me, and through that becoming negative. But only becasue I desired to be and experience the negative.
Now, i think, i've had enough of it. The negative that only seeks to re-create and reflect the creation of others with no sense of from self-to-others.
I feel I want to resume my creative work and seek to create worlds, adventures, artifacts and things. I feel I want to create from what the universe provides things and experiences that I enjoy making.
By my definition that is positive, but I suppose its a matter of definition as always.
Opinions as always accepted and sought for.
I feel like I have been in THIS moment (as in, the moment I am in now) in the past and all of my past was just a sidetrack, a lie, or some kind of dream that I am now waking up from, at age 27, and I sort of feel like I was a child that dreamed the last 20 years because they would have been filled with such crap that the child wanted nothing to do with it.
Now that I am focusing again on what I WANT as a spiritual entity, my inner child comes back and screams with glee.
It is sort of "I want to hug that lady on the bus there, i want to talk with her, i want to hand this person my contact info, i want a connection with that, i want..." and so on.
I havent given into my "I want" personality for nearly 20 years and it literally feels like my heart chakra spinning open and marveling at everything.
It isnt a want that i would categorize as "I want that from out there to stop being out there as well and instead move to within me" (devour, i think)
More of a "Oh, The creation that this entity has made for itself looks marvelous and makes this creation that I have made for myself experience this, I dont know why but it makes me feel good! So, I will proceed towards that "good" feeling regardless of what it means."
This has resulted in me randomly giving away my possessions to people I meet and then just smiling as I walk around and talking to quite a few random nice people and complementing random things about them every day.
Sometimes I still get scare and fear for social acceptance as some acts would invariably cause a huge commotion.
Example of this would be the following:
I saw a fairly young girl (11-13) on a bus and instantly knew that she seeks the attention of older men who abuse her because her sex chakra is intensly open and this society in general does not tolerate women with open sex chakras, as any women probably knows. I felt a tug at my heart so that I should say to her that she doesnt need to do that, that the world is full of nice older men too. That there is no need to debase her for the amusement of others if she feels it is the only way to trade for something that she really wants, which is based on her energies, sex. That if she really is determined to do that then any relatively good psychcounselor or spiritual person can tell her simple pointers on how to separate those that seek to devour her energies from those that just enjoy being close to her energies.
It is something she would learn on her own but just the deep almost painful urge she had for the sexual approval of older men was such that I had to tell my heart that while I could say to her that I see it and then say that she doesnt need to seek it constantly would probably help her, it would not help her to do it in a public and potentially very scarring way.
While I did realise that just saying it to her would get quite a few very queer looks from others, the pain that she projected was so immense that literally it grabbed my heart and pulled me to the situation. I could walk away but only by saying that saying anything to her would be both too painful for me, and possibly, too public for her.
So i felt the energy go
and then dissipate and then she looked a bit sullen.It is, in many ways, a huge burden to see jus thow much people hurt themselves and just how little they are really willing to heal themselves.
A another similar situation was a chick in a train reading a book that i bumped into and decided to randomly tell her that she looks pretty and has a nice smile, then i continued talking with my friend about metaphysics while most of the people on the train occasionally glanced at the two of us. She laughed and smiled and i could see from the corner of my eye that even whiel reading her book she couldnt help but have a little wiggle-smile on the corner of her mouth!
Made me feel happy!
Stuff like this, in general, is something I have utterly refused to do as I have considered self centered manipulation (I see what others want and return it via energy in a way that they want)
But that has changed. Only thing is that every now and then there ARE times that I could say something but let my fears or something stop me and then the whole situation goe sbad quickly.
Good example of this was making candles and failing and then becoming intensly angry with myself for a failure and proceeding to rip myself to shreds emotionally for it. Which is a echo from past failures, i think.
Also, on the downside, I cut like 15 cuts into my left calf/thigh for some reason repeating to myself "never ask for help, you'll never get it anyway, never ask for help, you're not worthy of it" and so on. I felt like I wanted to do it, didnt feel that painful when i did it nor did it provide the relief that it used to, it just felt like 5 seconds of "oooh yeah" then nothing, and i felt a bit silly about the whole thing. Then i proceeded to show it to one of my students/patients and explain that every human being has their own issues and no single authority no matter how good or bad by their subjective experience should EVER be trusted with everything. So always ground your personality in your concept of "I want X" so you can change it easily, and if you want to trust, then you can trust 100% but trust through yourself to others, not through the other self to you. So, build on your own desire and expand from there creatively, not from the otherself and from there in a re-creating way.
Make your own adventure, dont just live through the adventures of others. So dont idolize or mimic.
I FEEL i understand why i am here, and was here, and was there... and so on.
It is because as a child I decided to start manipulating others and myself for some reason. Best explanation I can give is a sense of wanting to help other sby becoming more like the image of what others want of me, and through that becoming what the strongest image wants of me, and through that becoming negative. But only becasue I desired to be and experience the negative.
Now, i think, i've had enough of it. The negative that only seeks to re-create and reflect the creation of others with no sense of from self-to-others.
I feel I want to resume my creative work and seek to create worlds, adventures, artifacts and things. I feel I want to create from what the universe provides things and experiences that I enjoy making.
By my definition that is positive, but I suppose its a matter of definition as always.
Opinions as always accepted and sought for.