(11-06-2011, 02:21 PM)abridgetoofar Wrote: But we can't expect someone to change, especially for our own comfort. We shouldn't expect people to conform to our own ideas of appropriate behavior.
The husband in your example may take a closer look at his actions because of his wife and find that it is not who he wishes to be. But if yelling is how he communicates, even with someone he cares about, the wife can't expect him to conform to her feelings. If the particular situation is undesirable, it's up to her to change it, not him. She can either explore ways to not be hurt by his yelling or simply leave his company. His unwillingness to change would not be representative of a lack of care for her.
I agree that each of us must, ultimately, take responsibility for ourselves and it's useless to have expectations of others.
However, it's also true that we all provide catalyst for one another. When 2 people agree to a committed relationship, they are essentially agreeing to help each other grow, learn and evolve. If the wife left the husband just because he yelled, then there would be no growth. It would be wasted catalyst.
If a stranger in the grocery store yells, the appropriate response is to leave his vicinity. But if the husband yells, the appropriate response is to tell him that it hurts, and ask him to do some self-reflection and introspection. It would be a disservice not to.
In a committed relationship, each person helps the other see what they otherwise might not see.
If, after many years, the husband had not changed, then yes, the wife may very well choose to leave him. But most people will choose to stay in the relationship, as long as there is good progress being made by both parties.