Caring/Compassion/Sensitivity/Tact vs Lying/Faking

[Monica]

I would like to present another situation. Lets say a child (lets say his name is Pablito Picasso) shows you a drawing he just made and you think "man, what a piece of crap". Now, you see, that will be your truth; so you tell the child using your well developed blue ray, "look kid, that is a piece of crap, I am just being honest".

Are you being honest? Or just dishonest by not realizing it is just what you think, (not the truth) exposed as truth? Your honesty was just the expression of a subjective feeling or opinion that was not deep enough to realize that a balance was required.

That's an excellent example! To this day, I still don't 'get' Picasso. The art just isn't appealing to me. I have tried, but still don't understand what his art is considered masterpiece.

These are obviously subjective truths. But let's say I had known Picasso as a child, and told him his art was crap, and then he got discouraged and never painted again. My 'honesty' would have deprived the world of one of it's most revered and loved artists!

This very thing happened to me as a child. At around age 10 or so, I started singing. It was one of the very few memories of child-like exuberance I can remember. I really got into it. I was singing nonstop, and really enjoying it, until I asked my mom how I sounded, and she told me I sounded terrible!

I was crushed. I never sang again. Ever.

When I was in my late teens, I had connections in the music industry and was actually invited to sing, but declined, since I knew I "didn't have a good voice." I knew this because my mom had told me so! Never mind that she probably just wanted me to shut up.

Who knows whether my voice might have improved and my entire life might have taken a different path, since music was such a love of mine. Or maybe I could have been one of those artists who took voice lessons and learned to sing properly, or maybe my voice just naturally would have gotten better as I got older...or even, I might have been one of those quirky singers who doesn't have a technically perfect voice but makes it work anyway. (There are lots of those!) Or my mom might have been totally wrong and my voice might have been really good, even at 10. I'll never know. Any number of possibilities could have manifested, if I had been allowed to blossom instead of being shot down.

My mom's 'honesty' affected me deeply, to the point of completely eradicating any possibility of pursuing music. Did she do the 'right' thing?

There are any number of things my mom could have said, that wouldn't have been lying or 'faking' but would have been less damaging.

"You sound very exuberant"

"Hey! I love your enthusiasm! Would you like voice lessons when you get older?"

"Well you know I'm not a very good judge of music, so I'm probably not a good person to ask. But anyway, if you are enjoying it, don't worry about how you sound. Just sing for fun!"

or, if I was really bothering her, she could even have said:

"You sound like a 10-year-old girl having fun singing! But I am busy so can you please go sing in the other room?"

Any of these responses would have avoided a direct lie, but at the same time, would have kept my self-esteem intact.

And I might have joined The Runaways at age 17 and then the band would have hit the big time!