My Dark Night of the Soul

[Tenet Nosce]

The problem with shrinks is that most are trained only to make you "function" in society again, and that will often include giving you prescription meds, that have lots of harmful side effects.

I had what could be termed a "mental breakdown" at the age of 28 / 29 and going to the shrink only aggravated the problems I had, by their method of focusing on the negative only. Besides no one of them could relate to the metaphysical aspects and my paranormal experiences.

Thank you for sharing this sensitive information about yourself. I acknowledged the difficulties you described in my previous post to yossarian without having even read yours first! How is that for synchronicity?

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i haven't even got a job, i'm 28 and have never had a real job because of my self esteem and developmental and mental issues. if you're able to work that's already a step up, i think you're doing great. you have your own place. stoves are a luxury not everyone has. independence is a luxury too. i need to work on my own issues somehow, from where i'm looking you seem to be doing great. not that going homeless is great but so far you have at least kept your head above the water, i wish you luck in figuring it out. i believe in you. try to be creative in what brings you joy, try to get out of survival and into doing what you want. is there anything you could have fun doing? are you artistic? or interested in engineering? or what? what is it you wanted to do before you got sidetracked? maybe you could do it now, this could be that opening. maybe you have to work a menial job for a while but at the same time somehow figure out how to get a nice job, and find your joy.

You shared some wise words above. Particularly this: i believe in you. It would bring me joy for you to accept the same wisdom which you so kindly offered to GreatSpirit.

Or rather, if it will aid you in this realization. I, Tenet Nosce, believe in you, Oceania.

I suspect you will find you had the answer all along.

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Going homeless should be a freeing experience, not a depressing one. Family is important, even if they are all b******. You have the freedom to let go and roll with the punches. Accept the punches that are coming. Honestly, it sounds very liberating and not enslaving. Humility is better than pride. For instance, show up in court just for the sake of showing up. Walk in and take your punches. You must at least be here. If it all doesn't matter, then show up anyone. Show up at court. Show up at your mom's doorstep. Show up at the soup line. Go sleep at the homeless shelter tonight. Experience that stuff.

You have given some very wise recommendations as to taking responsibility and being accountable to oneself. I suppose that living without a family would indeed leave one with nobody to be accountable to, however this is often heart-wrenching for the soul.

At the time I graduated from high school, I moved out of my parent's house and never really looked back. I was of the opinion that the environment was too negative and that my relationship with my parents was likely beyond repair. For many years I maintained a very strained relationship.

Long story short, I had actually left the U.S. with plans to live in South America hoping to avoid some of the insanity I was suspecting to break out around 2012. I had barely begun to settle in when I received three extremely vivid dreams. In each one a member of my immediate family was in grave danger. It was then that I realized that it was futile of me to expect to continue to spiritually evolve while these relationships remained damaged. Now that I have attended to these matters, things are much better for all, and as a bonus, both my financial and relationship situations have increased by orders of magnitude.

However, I can definitely see how the break was necessary at the time! If I hadn't been so bullheaded to do it all myself, I would have never learned what I am truly capable of.

But whatever you do. Whatever you do!!!! Do not turn to drugs or alcohol or you will be in pain you can't imagine. Don't turn to drugs or alcohol!!!!

This statement somewhat confuses me in the light that GreatSpirit shared that use of substances was the other key point of contention with the parents. I wholly understand that substance abuse can only contribute negatively to this situation. However, in my humble opinion, it is not a matter of "drugs are bad" and you "shouldn't" do them. Those who are caught in the cycle of substance abuse are frequently suffering from deep spiritual pain which I believe must be addressed in order to have a healthy relationship with mind-altering substances. I have observed that frequently it is not so simple as "Don't Do Drugs".

Here is the section from the above Q'uo session on marijuana use. I find it to be very insightful into these matters:

Questioner: I have a question, Q’uo, but I would first like to thank you for sharing that and sharing your love with us. My question is about the substance of marijuana, the chemical THC, and what effect it has on seeking of any given seeker. My question comes from my experience, which is that it has an impact that seems to be negative on my seeking. It lowers my energy in days following exposure to it. But at the time of using the substance I do feel a certain inspiration and a sort of freedom, so that’s my question. What is the nature of this substance and its effect on seeking?

We are those of Q’uo, and are aware of your query, my brother. Each substance has complex characteristics. Each food that you eat, each liquid that you drink, has those characteristics which are generally considered positive and those characteristics which are considered undesirable and therefore called something like “side effects.” The substance, marijuana, is no exception.

In general, my brother, if you want to obtain maximally useful results from your observations and your witness during incarnation, you are best served by a completely pure and this instrument would say “sober,” base. Every substance you ingest, every substance you drink, creates not just one, but several different effects within the body, and, as the one known as S has said, it is quite so that every seeker will have a different experience of apples or asparagus or marijuana. However, none of asparagus’s side effects impact the spiritual life whereas in the case of marijuana, its effect on the spiritual life is inconstant and untrustable.

The basic principle involved in this opinion is that principle which suggests that you will be able to open your mind, your body, and your spirit more and more as you become lit from within, as you become kindled by that spirit that yearns for the perfect devotion, the truly whole giving of the self to service. As you persist along this line of seeking the veil thins for you, little by little, in a way which is safe for you.

The difficulty that we see with the use of marijuana in the spiritual seeking is that it enables you to experience an environment for which you are not naturally prepared. Thusly, while the experience is a good one, perhaps, at the time, the side effects that come with the use of marijuana, mainly the damping of the energies that you would normally have in more abundance, create the sum total experience of a positive time that you could not fully use because it was artificially created, and the cumulative effects of the use of marijuana, which involve weariness and a lack of motivation.

It is to be noted that all of these effects, both positive and seemingly negative, are temporary. The [chemicals in marijuana] are chemicals which have an effect, here and there and here and there, and then within a month’s time they are gone. Consequently, it is a relatively transparent, recreational mood changer. And as this instrument can attest, that particular substance has medicinal qualities that are very appreciated by those who have chronic pain and chronic nausea. There would be no reason for us to encourage people to think of marijuana as evil or as an agent that will lead people astray. However, in terms of improving the spiritual life, its uses are very limited.

When you wish to improve your spiritual life, turn within. There is no substance, there is no answer, there is no shortcut outside of the vast reaches of your heart. When we suggest that you go within, we truly mean to go within, to cross the boundary between the ordinary reality of everyday life and the reality that is the environment of your open heart.

Dear ones, your people have ingested and drunk and smoked and breathed in an amazing variety of natural and manmade substances through the years of your history, working with outer things to attempt to achieve a result. And no result is found that is satisfactory. Meanwhile, quietly, humbly, invisibly, person after person after person has gone within and walked through the deserts of the self, climbed the mountains of the self, sailed on the oceans of the self, lost, wandering, exultant, cast down, and in every weather and in every situation the limitless potential of consciousness awaits.

The most effective spiritual practice is to believe in the spiritual practice and to seek it as does a lover its mate. It may seem trivial or unnecessarily emotional to encourage you to have intense personal, even intimate, feelings about the spiritual life, yet it is very helpful and healthy for the spirit to yearn and to crave for the presence of the one Creator. You have that presence within you, yet it is a journey over desert and mountain and ocean, finally to come to that magic island at the center of your heart where lives love, unrestrained, wild and free. We therefore encourage you to enjoy yourselves as you will.
We do not condemn marijuana, my friends; we are simply saying that for the serious seeker, that which he manipulates shall be within himself.

In olden times and in some tribes of those who live in the indigenous way to your present day, there would be the time of dying to the self in one way or another, whether it was a case of physically being immured in a cave or [whether it was being] buried alive for a certain amount of time. There were rituals in which there was the experience of death. And when that individual arose from the sweat lodge or the shaman’s quest, for the first time there was the true appreciation of the gift of life.

To have a keener, freer, wilder experience takes patience if it is done properly. Yet when you have come into states of mind that are altered and you have moved into them naturally, you are ready for the wisdom of the experience to impress itself upon you and you are ready for the responsibility of what you now know. As the one known as Ra said, “There are no mistakes but there are sometimes surprises.” To create an environment in which your surprises are likely to please you, we encourage you to seek within.

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GreatSpirit - seems you've already had plenty of wonderful advice and encouragement here. I would only add that somewhere inside yourself you must recognize your true self simply because of the user name you selected GREAT Spirit.

Now I am curious to know why you chose Ruth as your user name.

Also, I understand your frustration with your relationship to your parents. What worked best for me was not to "stand up to" my challenging parent - but rather to step back and realize that he is just a person, like me, here to learn, and is doing the best he knows how to do. I just started sending him all the love and light I could muster. He is now one of my dearest friends.

These are some wise observations. Sometimes it is good to just take a step back and let the dust settle for a bit. I am intrigued that your father responded so well to your simply sending him love and light. In my experience with some negative entities, this has frequently backfired. It seems to me that one must be first express willingness to accept such love/light before it can actually have a positive effect.

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I was depressive most of my life and only thought that I was perennially tired or sleepy. I usually wore a neutral face or a frown. One day something clicked in me and I decided to smile to strangers and acquaintances. Most of them smiled back, even though many dropped the smile even before they were out of my view.

Thank you for sharing this experience. It is good to be reminded of the more simple things in life! I actually had a somewhat converse experience. One day I was in a foul mood and was feeling victimized because I had agreed to attend my girlfriend's (at the time) fencing class and didn't really want to be there.

Anyhow, as I walked through a room toward the studio, there were two guys playing ping pong. One of them had the biggest smile on his face you could imagine. He was thoroughly enjoying himself! And I, being so negative, felt hateful emotions toward him because I was jealous that he was joyful and I was miserable. I apparently had been shooting dagger eyes at him, because he looked over at me and the minute he caught me eye, I could literally see all of the joy flow right out of him as if a balloon had been popped.

Though I immediately realized what was happened, I was too shocked and embarrassed with myself to apologize to this man. Hopefully, he is like you and it didn't phase him much! But it is interesting to see how the same lesson can be learned in a positive or negative fashion. In the end, it is all about the lesson anyway!

So go ahead and pretend to be happy until you become happy. "Fake it until you make it!"

This is funny! I actually used to have a very negative reaction to this line. Until I realized how it worked, then I thought to myself... duh! But it is also somewhat difficult to grasp. I can think of many examples of entities I have observed who appear to be happy on the outside, but are deeply suffering on the inside. So there is more here than just a simple platitude.

I take supplements and meds for the depression, and am grateful for them. Side effects are minimal for me right now, thank One.

I am glad to here that you have found some balance on the physical side of things! Might I note as a word of precaution. This probably doesn't apply directly to you as you mentioned you are not experiencing too many side effects. But there are some schools of thought which suggest very high doses of certain supplements in order to treat depression. This can cause some problems with rebound effects and interactions with medications. It is a somewhat delicate balance, as I am sure you have learned.

Also, have you at all looked into the potential interactions between gut bacteria and mental health. It is a particular area of expertise of mine, and I find it fascinating! This is fairly new research so most practitioners probably have not heard of it yet:

Mind-Altering Microbes: Probiotic Bacteria May Lessen Anxiety and Depression