My Dark Night of the Soul

[yossarian]

Don't know where to start. I've always been shy and introverted. Never had many good friends but plenty of acquaintances. I'm a conspiracy theorist so I naturally believe 9/11 was an inside job and that we are all controlled and that the global economy will collapse on purpose and World War 3 may start anytime now prior to 2012. I've seen the proof. I hardly go out anywhere and I'm pretty anti-social and I have a hard enough time going to the store just getting something to eat. I consider myself spiritually open and a Wanderer, but I admit I haven't been the most positive person I am supposed to be. I've made many mistakes in my life and I feel what I am going through is by far my greatest challenge. I've had challenges before, mostly emotional, but I just feel this is the most intense. In a nutshell, I'm about to be homeless with nothing and I've been feeling suicidal.

My whole family thinks I'm weird and I can feel they want to distance themselves from me. It's like they're ashamed of me for some reason because of my views (which are far different then theirs) and how deep I can think.

Right now I'm unemployed and appealing for unemployment which I definitely won't get but doesn't hurt to try. have nothing to loose really. I'm not even going to the hearing because I know I'll loose and I have no lawyer. I'm just doing it just to piss off the company and hopefully so they will drop it and not have to go to court but seems like an impossibility.

But make a long story short, I was laid off from my call center job of 7 years (JUST ME!!), but was offered a job in a different dept which I found out I was unqualified for and due to the lack of training, I got fired due to me walking out. Too many light bulb moments and I just couldn't take it. No one would help me and I was doing twice the work I did in my other dept for the same pay. I guess I'm still mad though because since they laid me off, I could've collected unemployment and got a severance pay. My parents told to just take the new job bla bla bla so I gave in and I did. Worst mistake I could've made (at least from one point of view).

I haven't even been motivated to find a job really after I left and I think to myself, why the hell should I even partake in this system when its corrupt to the core? Besides, paper money has no real value anyway. I'm 28 so you'd expect I would be fine and set in a career by now. Went to college for 6 years which turned out to be the biggest waste of time. I thought it was more karmic cleanser since the kids were pretty mean and I only ended up in debt. I went for Theology and wanted to be a teacher but my parents wouldn't co-sign a loan for me to go to grad school and I messed up my own credit.

But I guess I will be homeless shortly and I know my family will be just thrilled so I am not even asking for their help. They'll just look down on me as a lazy piece of s---. The most help I'll ask my mom is to just take my cat.

Whats really weird for me, is that I lost my job, and been through an earthquake and hurricane all in the same month.

You're describing paranoia, idealized self-image, you feel unwanted (especially by your family), you probably have always felt unloved by everyone, you see society as enemy territory. When you have to fend for yourself you feel mistreated, neglected, and left out.

You're easily discouraged, isolated, anxious, expect others to look after you, low confidence, and you overestimate difficulties.

These are classic mental health issues. What you need is a therapist.

I know how you're feeling. I've been there. I spent years in crappy jobs at the edge of homelessness, socially isolated, believing the government was pure evil and that I was in enemy territory, feeling unloved and unwanted, feeling mistreated and neglected. I was anxious and so could not perform up to standard.

What turned it all around for me is that I found a psychologist who seemed trustworthy and decided to trust him, at least to give him the benefit of the doubt and see what would happen if I trusted him.

Do yourself a favor. Get a job at McDonald's and spend your last pennies on a shrink. Ask the therapist for a discount since you're poor, they will oblige you.