Wanderers that are "karmically involved"

[Diana]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, Phoenix, and to hear how troubled she was, and for your own struggles not just dealing with her suicide, but with life in general.

I have felt very deeply before that this girl was part of my "soul group" so to speak. To give you an idea of this, when we met I found out her friendship group had been very close to my former best friend, he had sent her emails with his stories. This guy was one of those involved in the "social ostracism" I mentioned which seemed to be rampant in my twenties. Like everyone I met almost. It is uncomfortable to consider that you had someone be part of your soul group and then they killed themselves. So I am not sure where I go from here from that perspective. Like, can I have friends that I really connect with or is this just not that likely? Would I even want them? Will I even be able to connect after a friendship like this that ended like this? During lockdown we were each others only friends.

I agree with Spaced's ideas on SMCs and the individuals within one. We shift and change and regroup, our paths merge and diverge, but that does not mean we are ever disconnected from anyone or anything.

My brother took his life so I understand the depth and complexity of such circumstances. In my mind, whether one is a wanderer or Earth native or other configuration of incarnation here, and whatever lead to such a decision and act, it is heartbreaking to experience in any capacity of the scenario. But one thing that I feel might be considered is that another person's decisions can be respected—even a decision and act of such finality and seriousness as suicide. What I mean by this is accepting a decision made by another as theirs; that we cannot know the entirety of what lead to it; that we also accept our loss and go through first the grief then the pain which may always be there to a certain extent, but that does not have to be seen as a "bad" thing, because it just is. 

In my case, and I am not saying I know anything more than anyone one else, though my brother died many years ago time has not made anything go away; rather, I accept the pain and loss and that I miss him endlessly and I continue here with this experience. I don't question his decision to end his life because it was not my decision to make nor can I ever know the full story that was his journey and path; I can only accept what he did and who he was and honor those things. The catalyst of the loss is what I am left with then, and the memories and the gift of him in my life when he was here.

Also though, the girl screwed me, she treated me badly, she could have written to me and confessed all rather than going to Beachy Head but in every way she gave up on me. When I remember specific things in relation to this behaviour from them both, how I was suddenly left with no friends at a time of illness after all I had done for her, (I did not expect to see her as frequently necessarily, but I feel she owed me honesty about why her behaviour suddenly became so hostile, this really messed me up). When I remember this I do not feel that bad about her and I feel a sense of 'good riddance'. My grief has come down in intensity quite a lot since then and I feel good about meeting and chatting with other people. Less grief stricken.

This is very sad. I'm very sorry for all you are going through. I am also very very sad for your friend, and what she must have been going through. This world is full of suffering, and we all experience it to varying degrees. We all deal with it in different ways. 

In general I feel that we are kind of very stuck in society at the moment. From a political perspective with everything going on. Prices are rising and there are less and less options and more and more misery. In making my life plans it is difficult. Many times I have wanted to move forward with skills to increase employment but this is yet another example of having yet another personal crisis stop me from being able to do that kind of thing. Since 2015 I was unemployed, then I got a job in a fast food place, then I was bullied badly in an office for two years, two more years in an unpleasant fast food place, then had a bunch of friends turn on me (the best friend I mentioned earlier, and my half sister at this time), then another fast food place, then a sudden illness that had me down for six weeks recently, now this friend committing suicide. So efforts I might have to improve my skills and such. I just never seem to find the time past a personal crisis.

I have a friend whose life could be described above in slightly different details. This "hamster wheel" manifests I think in many lives including my own, where conflicts between survival vs. self-expression, dreams and purpose keep people in loops. It's difficult to deal with and can seem hopeless. One thing I have found that helps me is to have small successes and accomplishments. What I mean by that is whatever the general circumstances, I aim for getting even small things done such as completing a website revision, cleaning the house, getting something done in the yard. For me completing even a small project shifts the focus to success instead of frustration (at least in the moment). The underlying survival issues may still be there, but the balance of blocks and challenges with forward motion can be shifted a little, which changes the overall picture. 

So I am kind of hoping for a shift of the mass arrests sort of variety. Then things can take on their own momentum without me having to direct myself a great deal. Like I sort of alluded to I think in this thread I am starting to feel like the spirits are allowing all this to get too close to the bone and we are taking too many losses. If we had the mass arrests six months ago that friend of mine would still be alive, and people wouldn't be dropping dead for SADS and myocarditis etc.

The last two years of lockdowns and other results of the pandemic (whatever it really was) have certainly raised many questions about the way the human world operates. Things must come out into the light for them to be seen and examined, so in one way all of the suffering caused by the world's reaction (personal, societally, politically, and spiritually) may be a step in the right direction. It is very sad and there is a lot of rage about the injustice in the world and this is understandable. 

I agree with Scared Fool that drilling down into self is a good focus. Ultimately, in my opinion, it is perhaps all we can do.