Wanderers that are "karmically involved"

[Phoenix]

Your story touches me far more deeply than most I read here, Phoenix.  I recognise both the sense of deep connection and of deep loss. 

So, what now?  Personally, I would advocate for drilling in more deeply to find the essence of self.  If you can find a way in, it's simply astounding what you can find there: so capacious, so expansive.

Q'uo - May 18, 2005

We ask you to consider penetrating to the very center of who you are within incarnation as that goal to which you may bend every effort and serve with the greatest of joy and the feeling of peace that comes with knowing that you are on the right track. Let the being that you are being be your main concern, for as you refine and simplify your concept of who you are, as you breathe in the air and breath it back out and focus on essence, you will find that all of those things that you need in order to express a doingness will come to you very naturally, as if drawn to you magnetically.

Yes, what now? Thankyou for asking.


I have felt very deeply before that this girl was part of my "soul group" so to speak. To give you an idea of this, when we met I found out her friendship group had been very close to my former best friend, he had sent her emails with his stories. This guy was one of those involved in the "social ostracism" I mentioned which seemed to be rampant in my twenties. Like everyone I met almost. It is uncomfortable to consider that you had someone be part of your soul group and then they killed themselves. So I am not sure where I go from here from that perspective. Like, can I have friends that I really connect with or is this just not that likely? Would I even want them? Will I even be able to connect after a friendship like this that ended like this? During lockdown we were each others only friends.


Also though, the girl screwed me, she treated me badly, she could have written to me and confessed all rather than going to Beachy Head but in every way she gave up on me. When I remember specific things in relation to this behaviour from them both, how I was suddenly left with no friends at a time of illness after all I had done for her, (I did not expect to see her as frequently necessarily, but I feel she owed me honesty about why her behaviour suddenly became so hostile, this really messed me up). When I remember this I do not feel that bad about her and I feel a sense of 'good riddance'. My grief has come down in intensity quite a lot since then and I feel good about meeting and chatting with other people. Less grief stricken.


In general there are two basic points:


-) My faith in Christianity and my trust my life will grow positively. Hopefully I will find new friends. I have not even the slightest emotional desire or "pull of the magnet" to revisit and befriend any of the people, including my cousin, connected with this girl.


-) I do not have any particular problem with telling people the truth of what happened (but I won't volunteer it either, I know how to play the game), and if my cousin feels like jumping off a cliff too because he can't take scrutiny on his own disgusting behaviour, then best of luck to him.


-) In general I feel that we are kind of very stuck in society at the moment. From a political perspective with everything going on. Prices are rising and there are less and less options and more and more misery. In making my life plans it is difficult. Many times I have wanted to move forward with skills to increase employment but this is yet another example of having yet another personal crisis stop me from being able to do that kind of thing. Since 2015 I was unemployed, then I got a job in a fast food place, then I was bullied badly in an office for two years, two more years in an unpleasant fast food place, then had a bunch of friends turn on me (the best friend I mentioned earlier, and my half sister at this time), then another fast food place, then a sudden illness that had me down for six weeks recently, now this friend committing suicide. So efforts I might have to improve my skills and such. I just never seem to find the time past a personal crisis.


So I am kind of hoping for a shift of the mass arrests sort of variety. Then things can take on their own momentum without me having to direct myself a great deal. Like I sort of alluded to I think in this thread I am starting to feel like the spirits are allowing all this to get too close to the bone and we are taking too many losses. If we had the mass arrests six months ago that friend of mine would still be alive, and people wouldn't be dropping dead for SADS and myocarditis etc.


-) I may post on this forum occasionally.