03-01-2022, 06:45 PM
(02-27-2022, 09:38 AM)Margan Wrote: Silly, is there some spiritual practice that you feel drawn to and that makes you feel good?
Yeah! I love the arts, specifically music. Funnily enough, this dark period I seem to be in, has highlighted how much I actually love creating art. Like the background of darkness has made the light brighter somehow, through contrast.
Playing/writing music is very soothing for me. I feel like a wizard when I play.....
(02-27-2022, 12:38 PM)seren88 Wrote: I've not managed to extinguish this anguish in myself, but thinking about it in terms of - enduring this pain is part of my service to others, because my very presence here does make a different regardless of whether I am consciously involved in that or not. That sort of sounds a bit arrogant reading it back, but I don't mean it to be.
I don't think it sounds arrogant. I tend to agree with that sentiment. It can be hard to remember that sometimes though.
(02-27-2022, 12:38 PM)seren88 Wrote: Accepting/realising that I am a wonderer (from where I don't know and it's sort of irrelevant), instead of doubting that, and accepting that there is so much I do not understand about my being, my energy, how it influences and interacts with others/nature outside of my understanding and conscious awareness, having faith that I am helping just by enduring, helps a little bit. It doesn't make it go away, but I bring my thoughts back to here when they get really dark.
I seem to exhibit "symptoms" of being a wanderer, however I have had a contentious relationship with applying labels to myself throughout my life, so I am in the process of being able to identify with that specific label without giving my whole self over to it, if that makes sense.
I suppose I feel like I can't ever 100% know anything too, and that includes whether I am a wanderer. So I just decide to not think about it altogether because it doesn't seem worth it.... *shrug*.
I agree with you though, it's just... sometimes I become very confused. Even when catalyst becomes difficult, in the back of my head I'm like, "there's something going on here that you don't understand", and yet I am still troubled by whatever catalyst it is. Perhaps I am just not at peace with not understanding it all? And I am basically thrashing about, trying to understand something I am not ready for yet? Maybe?
This kind of mindset, accepting that there are things that I do not understand, has helped me through my depression though. I used to get really bent out of shape about feeling so dark, but now there is a part of me that sees it as meaningful. So that's been helpful and sort of strange too. Psychedelic in a way
(02-27-2022, 12:38 PM)seren88 Wrote: I don't feel like I can connect with people fully either, I feel like most people feel that they can with me, but I've yet to share my self in it's entirety with another. I hope one day that will happen, but I also am wondering if this is a longing, a memory of home of how it truly feels to be seen/known and understood by another. It's painful, and as you've said, starting to form that connection with your self is part of it for sure.
Yeah! I feel this way too, like most people feel they can connect with me, but it's hard for me to connect with another.
I've been behaving pretty horribly with my partner lately. We're currently long-distance, both stressed and not dealing with our s*** very well. I feel lonely these days so I've started to subconsciously assign my partner the role of "my world" and so when I don't feel heard/understood by them, if they don't have time to talk to me, etc, I take it very very hard. Like, there are certain small things that bother me in conversation sometimes, then I blow it up into this big thing, my partner gets frustrated and doesn't want to talk, and then I just go into this dark place. This narrative of, "you always f*** everything up" surfaces, and then I just start beating on myself (sometimes literally) in a pretty bad way. This kind of mindset only reinforces the behavior though. Forgiving myself for these transgressions has proven difficult. Baby steps
(02-27-2022, 12:38 PM)seren88 Wrote: Not trying to lecture/offer unwarranted advice- sorry if I have. If none of this resonates that's cool, I have certainly not mastered this and it's not a constant for me.
It's okay, I appreciate your reply
(02-27-2022, 12:38 PM)seren88 Wrote: I find most people exhausting to be fair, and I don't know how to get past this.
For me, I think it can be so exhausting (especially in close personal relationships), because interacting with others can be such a potent catalyst. I already kind of hate myself these days, and so when I am interacting with others, it's like staring in the mirror. And I don't like what I see, so that can be really trying.
That's part of it at least.... for me *shrug*
(02-27-2022, 12:38 PM)seren88 Wrote: My DM's are always open if you just want to share how you are feeling, feeling heard and understood is such a fundamental need that people have and I think as a wanderer that's inherently difficult to achieve. This is partially why therapy works wonders, it's much more than that obviously but just feeling heard, feeling like you've expressed the depths of your self, and someone understood it, is so healing.
You're so sweet seren, thank you