embracing the catalyst

[Vestige]

So I am interested into what you all think about this.

Do you feel, did you experiment this, that a catalyst not embraced will present itself again in your life ?

For exemple, I was quite fearless physically as a child, feeling like a tomboy, climbing trees, able to to run forever etc… but I was socially incredibly shy, bordering on inept. At school I was pretty terrorized, had only one friend, etc.. then when I reached thirteen, just when other kids start to feel really awkward I definitely took the decision to just plunge into  the apparent ‘social life,’ talking to everyone, telling stupid jokes without caring of their effect. I still remember that moment, and from then on, I started to clearly see all the obstacles I would have to jump over,  what I saw as fears, weaknesses, lacks.   Before, I was just resolved to being inept, not that I would become brilliant, but I had made peace with ineptitude. Lol

Of course it took all these years to slowly cleaning the way, but I did notice that same situations that I would not have dived in, before, would come sort of gently  back.

I was wondering if any of you had similar happenings. 
Did you see particular catalysts coming right back ?

Thank you in advance if you wish to share something.

Thank you, my sister!

Yes, I definitely have found that unused catalyst will re-emerge.  

I have been most intrigued at their various forms, for I have read that catalyst becomes more "intense" with each repetition, while yet preserving the same "dynamics of feeling.  It is my opinion that this is somewhat of an exaggeration, or even an incomplete assertion, although I also believe the assertion was made properly.  I try to remember that Q'uo and friends, though they try their best to relate to us, do have a different perspective.  In a different reading they have said that they can see and hear our music, that is, our very being produces a symphony show for them!  Can an orchestra be intense?  Oh, yes.  On the occasions where I have been fortunate enough to hear a live band or orchestra, I have usually been rattled in my seat.  The bass seems to shake my bones, tremble my heart.
But - it is a good trembling. 

And, too, I surmise that, even if we have not learned whatever particular lesson has spiraled back into our life, we may have learned other lessons.  We have still become metaphysically stronger, so an increase in intensity may be of a fine (as in, thin) degree.  Perhaps Yom knows of a mathematical function to describe the intensity of catalyst in proportion to the velocity of the dynamic of feeling in proportion to the percentage of unused catalyst.    


Anyways, again, I certainly have observed that catalyst returns, I have been intrigued by their various forms, and this is because often the catalyst is crystal-clear yet also not at all upsetting.  Sometimes, I find it somewhat ... whimsical!  Like an Abbott and Costello or Three Stooges sketch - I might get a pie in my face, but it's all spiritual food.

For example, one pattern I have noticed is that all of the judgments I might make about a person or persons become a feature in my life ...  
I laugh at someone for dropping their keys, and the next day I find I am very clumsy! (As, in fact, I am pretty dexterous.)  
Or ... I recall that I had once been very hard on a good friend of mine for her snacking habits: I thought that she either ate too little, or only ate snacks, and that she should eat 'real food' or not at all!  (That one was definitely more harsh than laughing at someone dropping their keys, I am aware.)  For a few months afterward, I was struck with odd cravings for all kinds of snacks.  Now, I certainly had the option to just not buy the snacks - and anyone could easily say, hey, your snacking seems more like a coincidence.  And, on the surface, sure - the rational mind could explain the cravings pretty easily.  But - at one point, I looked at the empty bags on my desk, and I immediately thought of her.  I was certain at that very moment that my judgement to her about her snacks and my regret then about my snacks were in direct relationship, proportional, and, thus, instructive.


So, I resonate more with the "dynamics of feeling" component to repeating catalyst.  
I have another example, another major remedial lesson, this one about ... harmonious living.  Harmony is a core value for me.  I'm also really attracted to the concept of the "social memory complex," and I think that the authentic, mutually-loving, trusting insights that are made between two, then many, to create this complex, is perhaps the definition of harmony.  Each is understood, accepted, loved, and working together.  I'm told we can't really have understanding, per se, here on earth, though we can have acceptance and love and cooperation.


While I have been able to accept and cooperate in certain dynamics, it has been somewhat of a remedial lesson for me to accept and love and cooperate with each person in my living quarters, wherever that might be.  Fairly recently--a few occasions over the past two or three years--I have rented with friends, or at least peers, all with good intentions ... but then I would find things to worry about, like volume in the evening, or dishes in the sink--all small things, and usually things that I myself could work to make better for everyone.  Each time, the catalyst did indeed intensify.  

In an earlier co-habitation, we actually all--myself and three friends--had a wonderful time.  Yet, I had complaints!  I felt disrespected at how they used the fridge, at how we split the utility bills, even at the way they knocked on the bathroom door.  I did not communicate my complaints well or, perhaps, at all, and evidently I was not otherwise curmudgeonly... They had no bad things to say when I left and, actually, said it was "close to perfect."  I cooperated, in a sense, but I didn't quite accept, and that stifled the love I could have and should have shown my friends.   

Next, I was in a house with some fellow students whom I had not met before (in this life?).  The catalyst grew more intense.  Here, they had definitely been a little inconsiderate--some partying after midnight, or full sinks--but like I said, I could have easily asked them to cool down, or asked to join them (and in fact, they invited me several times); and I could have just cleaned the sink myself.  I became stubborn to the point of refusing to clean the common rooms, sending grumpy emails to our landlord, and just generally being a bigger nuisance than what I had really been facing.   

Then, in the same house, a few of the students moved out, and new ones took their place.  In fact, a friend of mine moved in!  Unfortunately, we had a heated argument that first night - I felt on the defensive already, wanting to 'get the rules straight,' and ended up being quite rude to my friend and to the new housemates.  The catalyst grew to be genuinely intense, mostly between myself and my friend.  Dour looks in the hall.  Indignant notes on doors.  At one point, actual yelling and screaming--the police were called (and gave the all-clear), and I literally barred myself into my room with a broom. 
Then, a real act of God: we got a heavy rainstorm, powerful enough to knock out the power for a day but gentle enough that no people or cars were banged up, and absolutely breathtaking.  I say 'act of God' because, truly, that storm was a majestic sight, and a gift.  The winds shook flowers from bushes such that petals adorned the streets.  Storm-clouds cast the sky, even all the light around us, in a soft golden-gray.  Raindrops let every leaf shine like emeralds.   
I had gone for a walk in the middle of the storm and returned to find my friend-turned-neighbor-turned-enemy admiring the sight from the porch.  We had a brief exchange about the glory of nature.  I admitted my faults and promised him that I would be better.  He did likewise.  And, actually, we become great friends.  Once we forgave each other, it was almost instant.  We would then go on day trips together, watch movies, grill hamburgers--everything we had hoped to do when we found ourselves at the same house at the start of that time!        

I don't believe my curriculum in harmonious living is complete, but, I certainly feel ready to handle whatever new lessons might come my way!

---

There are two reasons why things become more difficult as one goes along. Perhaps the most characteristic reason is that of the unlearned or incompletely learned lesson of love. Each lesson which comes to you, each challenge and difficulty and demand, holds a lesson of love for you. If you do not successfully work out this particular lesson through the aids of meditation, contemplation, inspiration and analysis, you may not learn the lesson in front of you. You may decide instead that perhaps you have a more glorious ministry, a more exciting gift to give to the world. You are impatient. Yet there is no room for impatience in timelessness, and, my friends, all of your spiritual growth takes place in the timeless present moment. Until you have removed yourself from today, yesterday and tomorrow, you have not contacted infinity, and it is infinity for which you yearn, for that is your birthright.


Any lesson, then, which was not successfully observed, analyzed, intuited and acted upon will in another way, but with the same dynamics of feeling, repeat itself in a more intense fashion so that you may hear more and more clearly the internal urgency of making the choice between the positive path and the negative path.

...

So any time there is between two entities an energy exchange that is genuinely and authentically mutually loving, without reservation or purpose of control or manipulation, any time that there is the achieving of a state of trust that is pure between two entities, any time there is that insight and awareness of the oneness of the self and another