I need help :(

[lost_squirrel]

I love your username, lost squirrel.
Sometimes human company leaves much to be desired, and from your post, you seem to have a calling to the woods. My only advice would be to go to the woods, let your thoughts subside, allow yourself to really be in the woods, hear every sound, smell the forest floor, feel some mud. The part of yourself that you are at odds with is more than likely your human ego, the judgemental, never satisfied, self depreciating voice that prevents us from connecting with others and prevents us from accepting ourselves. I find the woods have a way of breaking down the ego and returning us to a simpler state, the now, our instinctive roots. Even just a minute outside of our ego and in the now can break down those walls.
I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time. I too have a lot of trouble connecting w others and at times deal with suicidal thoughts. Nature reserves and patches of woods around my various dwellings these past few years have been a sanctuary from humanity and the ego that continues to save me from myself. You are loved by creation, it can be so hard to feel it from humans, but you are loved.

Thank you for your thoughtful and caring response. Everything you said makes sense to me. Intuitively, I know that it is true as well--that my identification with the ego is what is causing me so much distress. It is just hard sometimes to keep this perspective, since I often begin comparing myself to others my age who appear so well-adjusted and so connected with each other.