My struggle with the Choice, 2nd guessing.

[Ohr Ein Sof]

For all my life  I've fervently and  passionately dedicated my life and soul to the highest divine truth, God if you will. At first it started with spiritual struggle, then devout Christian following, then  a eureka and some years  of searching that  led me to the Law of One and the Confederation message which has now been  my reality for over two years as an ardent student. I would say that I'm definitely service-to-others polarized - I walk in the  open heart every moment that I can, Light and Love delight me, it fulfills me to bless others and radiate the Creator's Love. I feel that I  am well balanced in Love/Wisdom and have a good deal of spiritual, inner power, and that my  chakras are for the most part well balanced as well. I know that I don't like pain, fear, or suffering- either with myself or others- which are par for the course with the negative path. The problem though is  that  even though  I know these things, part of me  is still lured by the darkness of STS, it's promise of power, the experience of greatness, looking at painful, negative karma as sweet fuel to feed the fire of hatred  and anger to burn  away  all who oppose you or stand in your way. Part  of me wants to embrace  the  Lucifer  archetype- coming so close to God and the Light, knowing Him, being one with deity, only to turn your back on it all and use  what you've gained to become  a ruler of the darkness.  Part of me wants to believe that  I  could excel in this path, just as I have in  the positive, and end my evolutionary journey through 7th density having fully experienced both paths, not just one. I don't know if I could  take the heat, but part of me wants it.

I know this is a heavy topic, and I'm in no way trying  to tempt anyone else or put a stumbling block in  anyone's path, but  this is my reality, this is honesty, this is what I'm  wrestling with right now. I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through  this or if anyone has any thoughts.

Well, the first question that comes to me is, "why do you want or need the power that is ego fueled?"
When we look at the LHP, we are looking to obtain power supported by the illusion that one can be greater than all others (there are nuances to this but I won't get into them).
The LHP truly needs the illusion even though this path is based on it's own truth and contains truth within it but, nonetheless, it needs and depends on the illusion.
So again, why are you feeling you need power and in what areas do you feel powerless? You do not have to answer here as it can be a private conversation with yourself.

There is a time, when we know there is a power within that one could use to get anything it needs or desires and/or knock it's enemies to the ground. We are tempted to use this power in a negative way at some point in our journey. One that polarizes positively has access to the same powers as the one that is polarizes negative.
It helps to know why you are here and what you are here to do. Likewise, it is very helpful to know your desires, where it is you wish to point and concentrate the will, and who you truly are.
This is NOT uncommon for you to feel this way. It is what I would consider a temptation. Others may consider it to be something else.