[split] Understanding and dealing with catalyst

[Black Dragon]

It seems to me that you've taken on the challenge of carrying into this lifetime highly charged energy, and every time you move this way or that, you get zapped by it.  Is that your fault? 

You hit the nail on the head with "highly charged energy". I mean, that much was probably obvious from early on, but...I have recently been able to discover something(by making myself available to be helped, as you say, but in this case by other members of the community here) that is a key, a large piece to the puzzle In my quest for self-discovery, healing, shadow integration, and so much more. It is actually a bit like a Rosetta stone that puts a lot of my experiences and distortions into perspective, and begins to clear up some cognitive dissonances. This is information that my higher self and guidance system had given me many hints to in my life, and has been in a long process of preparing me to accept and make proper use of.

As for "The power that I am and heir to" and learning what that is, that is at the crux of the issue. The nature of this power is a complex issue. I was told once by a psychic and channel that "my gift isn't what I think it is. It's here(she pointed to my chest). This is very true in regards to the awakening and conscious choice of STO I've achieved in this lifetime(in which I have been able to, at many points and as a general rule of thumb, open my heart chakra at quite a high level of affinity). This potential with my heart chakra is quite intense, but it is a bit brittle and untempered, prone to inconsistency and fluctuation. Probably because it is the hard earned product of monumental effort in only the last couple of incarnate lifetimes.

The other side of it is what has been making my integration process difficult. The older side, the "wisdom" side...the much more vast portion of the sum of my experiences in this octave, I guess you could say, the accumulation of previous skill and adepthood, are of a different nature entirely.(So yeah there are some ways in which a portion of this is very directly "my fault"). Fighting this, not realizing it, and not accepting it were part of the subcoscious hang-up and cognitive dissonance. All of this can be of a beneficial nature, but only when transmuted through the lens of the newly awakened heart chakra, a bit like a polarity "currency exchange", but not until I'm ready to use it properly...in other words a "tall order". Or a fun and unique challenge, depending on perspective.

The post you quoted was made I believe a night or two before I had attained the new perspective. That doesn't erase those feelings completely over night, but they are more like background noise. They do not dominate because there is more clarity, and less of a blind spot for them to operate. In this way, I can begin "getting a grip" on the tools that I have, and also open myself up to help by reducing all this inner noise and gaining the clarity and perspective I have. This was the first step that made the difference that you noticed when I was able to express those things honestly to you in the other thread. Thank you though, for highlighting this post of mine and for sharing your perspective.

I will probably be less busy around the forums for a week or so, because I'm sort of burnt out and need to recharge/process/assimilate all this new stuff properly, and I don't just mean with my meat computer. This involves some of the stuff you said: nature, quiet time, opening up to help and guidance. Those are all excellent suggestions and I agree that those would be helpful.