I want to explore the negative polarity.

[Sacred Fool]

I have thought about the possibilty of being a wanderer. I have gone trough the questionaire in Carlas Book but I am still unsure. I think that that choice where one stand will reveal itself in the heart and for now I have made mine. I wonder what it feels like for the other people here? Have any of you ever felt the way I have and what came of it?
In a way I envy most people here.

I'm reminded of Ra's line about the picnic and how some prefer to play their games in the shadows and explore pain, etc.  This feels like a predilection of yours, however reluctant you've been to embrace it.  And yet you come to this website to share your feelings about it, seeking comfort and understanding.  It's as if you want both, triumph and caring.  Surrendering your pride hurts too much and yet soft connection feels good.

Have I ever felt this way?  Not precisely, but I recognize some of the hallmarks.  You might give this Q'uo session a squint, 14 April 2006.  The questions were posed to speak to those whose hearts are muted, but whose awareness is otherwise keen.  It might help you cut through some of the fog surrounding you in that it reframes the situation by looking at your journey in terms of consciousness.  That is, it shifts the framing away from a self-vs.-environment construct, and you might find that a useful switch for a little while.


BTW, I wonder if you're only one here who "envies most people here?"  We're all just doing the best we can under adverse conditions, in my view, and I can't say that I envy that, exactly.  Or, maybe you're not referring to our condition, but to....what, would you say?  Is it that we are not burdened with the sense of fateful doom which is haunting you?